Out of Left Field: Marlee's Story

by Barbara L. Clanton

  Marlee (mi vida),

  I hope I haven’t blown it with you. I’m so sorry about what I did to you exactly two weeks ago. This is my feeble attempt to explain myself. I owe you that much. Before I do, please know that I truly do love you. I know we haven’t really known each other for very long, but you’ve touched my heart in a way that no one has ever done before. I think about you all the time and I kick myself every day for hurting you and for letting Christy hurt you. Somehow, you just got caught up in the middle of things. The look on your face when I said I couldn’t see you anymore broke my heart and I’ve been miserable without you.

  Marlee’s chest tightened. She felt a lump forming in her throat. “Patches, she’s miserable. Hooray. She’s as miserable as I am.” She took a deep breath and read on.

  You know I don’t like to talk about Christy, but this time I have to. You see, Christy flies into rages when she’s angry. I’ve always been the only one of all our friends who could calm her down. But lately, as you know, her rages have hurt people, literally. You. Me. Marlee, the reason I broke up with you was because I didn’t think I could control her anymore. I figured if I just kept giving her all of my attention, like I always had, then she would calm down and not want to hurt you. She can’t handle me not being there for her. She can’t handle the thought of me spending time with someone else. And, like I said before, she and I are not going out. It’s not like that. It’s different.

  You see, I kind of feel responsible for her. Well, responsible isn’t exactly the right word, I guess, but I always felt like I was the only one who could help her. Probably because I was the one who found her. I’m the only one who knows. Nobody else was home (as usual). When I got to her house, I went upstairs thinking she was in her room. She wasn’t. I found her in the bathroom. There was a lot of blood. Thank God she hadn’t cut too far through her wrist with the razor blade. Honestly, I don’t think she had the nerve to do it all the way. I bandaged her up and I wanted to take her to the hospital, but I only had my bike. She begged me not to call anybody. I didn’t. That was my first mistake. The bleeding finally slowed down on its own. I was so scared. I was fourteen. She was fifteen.

  She made me swear to never tell anyone. Ever. And I haven’t. Until right now as I write you this letter. She also made me swear that I would stay with her forever and be her family since she had none. Her older sister, Lauren, practically raised her and then when Lauren left for college Christy ended up spending most of her time alone in that big house. I guess she kind of lost it.

  You know how her parents are, they’re never home. Shoot, they go away on three to four week vacations and don’t take her with them.

  But then, Marlee, you came along and I found that I didn’t want to spend all my time with Christy, keeping her safe, taking her rage. Marlee, I’m telling you all of this because she’s going to get help now. It seems that your coach called Coach Gellar and Christy is going to counseling for her anger. I don’t think anyone knows about her suicide attempt. Not yet, anyway. Her parents cut their trip to California short to come home. I stayed with Christy until they got home early this morning. It was funny. They thanked me for being a good friend to Christy, but I’m not so sure I was. I should have told someone back then instead of trying to fix it all by myself. Marlee, I don’t know what you said to your coach to make her call but I think you and your coach saved Christy’s life. She was spinning out of control.

  You were brave. I was a coward. I broke up with you because I couldn’t handle a face-off with Christy. So, Marlee if it’s not too late and I haven’t scared you off, would you give me a second chance?

  Marlee reached for the bear she had unceremoniously dumped at the bottom of her bed. She hugged the bear to her chest. “Patches, I’m getting nervous. I think she’s gonna leave it all up to me.” She swallowed around the lump in her throat. Marlee braced herself and read the rest of the letter.

  Chapter Fifteen

  The Verdict

  SOMEHOW, AND MARLEE wasn’t sure how, Clarksonville had drawn home field advantage for the North Country League championship game against East Valley. The winner of the game would be crowned League champion and represent the North Country in the New York State playoffs. Marlee, Jeri, and Lisa sat on the Clarksonville team bench getting ready for the game.

  Jeri retied her cleats, leaned over Lisa, and said to Marlee, “Coach’s speech was short, wasn’t it?”

  “Yeah, really,” Marlee agreed. In her best Coach Spears’ imitation she quoted, “You’ve worked hard all year, ladies, and now it’s time to show East Valley that you are the better team. This is the one game you’ve worked for all season. I’m sure our seniors would appreciate a trophy and a shot at States. It’s time to put up or shut up, ladies.” Marlee winked at her friends.

  Lisa laughed. “Good Coach Spears, Marlee. Nice wink. Now, let’s go over your strategy for the game. When you’re pitching, what do you do?”

  Marlee spoke in a monotone voice and repeated the memorized discourse. “I look at you and only you. I do not look at any batters, especially certain batters, and I definitely do not look at the other team’s bench. I only throw those pitches you call for because Lisa is the catching goddess of the universe.”

  “Good. Very good. What do you think, Jeri?” Lisa asked.

  “With you leading her around by the nose, she’ll be just fine.”

  “Hey,” Marlee protested. “I can think for myself, you know.”

  “We know,” Lisa and Jeri squealed together.

  “That’s been your problem,” Jeri teased.

  Lisa continued, “Now, what is your strategy when you’re up at bat?”

  Marlee sighed. “I don’t know how I’m going to pull this one off, but,” she switched back to her monotone, “I’m hitting against that Northwood pitcher, the one who serves up better meatballs than D’Amico’s restaurant.”

  Jeri feigned outrage at the slight. “You insult my family! I’m willing to let it go under the circumstances, but only if you tell us about Susie’s note again. She wants you to give her a sign?”

  Lisa leaned forward, eyes wide. “What kind of sign?”

  “She said that if I took off my hat today and nodded my head yes that’ll mean I’ll give her another chance. Otherwise, if I don’t give her the sign, she’ll just stay in East Valley and leave me alone.”

  “What are you gonna do?” Jeri and Lisa said breathlessly. They leaned in closer, anxiously awaiting Marlee’s answer.

  “Oh, c’mon, you guys. Honestly, I really don’t know.” It was the truth. She didn’t know. Susie’s rejection had shaken her so much that she didn’t know if she could ever trust her again. And she hadn’t made a decision yet. Her heart and her head were still battling it out.

  Jeri kicked the dirt with her cleat and said, “Fine. Don’t tell us. But I think...nah, it’s your decision.” She stood up. “Gotta throw. See ya.”

  Marlee smiled. She thought she knew how her friends felt, but she wasn’t there yet. And right then she had to put her energy into the game. She would imagine the Northwood team getting off the bus, not the East Valley team. Since she didn’t know any of the Northwood players there would be no reason to look at them. None at all.

  Her heart lurched when she saw the big luxury bus from East Valley pull into the parking lot. They were early.

  “Breathe, Marlee, breathe,” Lisa said. “It’s just the Northwood bus.”

  Marlee smiled in gratitude at her catcher.

  Lisa added, “Uh, nice weather we’re having, isn’t it?”

  Marlee laughed. “Yeah, it’s a top-ten spring day.” She was grateful for the warm weather, with hardly any wind to bother a pitcher, but couldn’t help remembering that this was the kind of day she had envisioned for the first time her team played Susie’s team.

  She deliberately ignored the flow of East Valley players as she ran through her warmup pitches with Lisa. Marlee mentally thanked the field designers for forcing her to face away from t
he East Valley team’s bench as she warmed up. She fought hard to ignore Susie, but knew she’d have to look at her sooner or later. Susie had to bat, after all.

  An overwhelming number of Clarksonville and East Valley fans filled up the bleachers. She even thought she saw a newspaper reporter. Today’s a big day. I’ve got so much more to worry about than my love life. Marlee, with all her might, commanded her stomach to remain calm. She forced a smile and waved to her mother in the stands. For some reason no captains’ circle was called. Marlee thought Coach Spears had something to do with that decision.

  “Home team, take the field,” the umpire yelled.

  Marlee threw her five warmup pitches. Her shoulder felt good. Strong. Now if she could only get her nerves under control.

  “You’ve got a no-hitter going, Marlee. Perfect game. Keep it up!” Lisa called to Marlee. This was their private joke because every pitcher had a no-hitter/perfect game before a game started.

  The umpire called for the first East Valley batter. Marlee tried hard to imagine Northwood batters instead of East Valley batters, but the red and black East Valley uniforms made her self-deception difficult. She knew that if any one of these first three batters got on base she would have to pitch to Susie. One line in Susie’s card came unbidden. Please know that I truly do love you. But then, just as quickly, Marlee remembered Susie saying, “I can’t see you anymore.” Marlee inhaled deeply and exhaled forcefully. She looked at Lisa for the sign to start the North Country League championship game.

  Marlee struck out the first batter of the inning. The next two batters, including Sam, grounded out. So much for Sam’s theory that Marlee would strike her out every time. Marlee was relieved that she did not have to pitch to Susie that inning. Out of the corner of her eye, she had seen Susie in the on-deck circle warming up. Marlee’s willpower was waning, but she held on and didn’t look.

  Jeri, Clarksonville’s lead-off hitter, was up and Marlee took a quick breather on the team bench. The pull to look into left field was strong, very strong, but Marlee did not look. Not looking at Susie was one thing, but not thinking about her was another. Marlee couldn’t stop the memories bursting through the dam. She remembered the first time Susie kissed her behind the shed. Her face flushed at the thought. But then she remembered what Sam had said about Christy and Susie. “They were practically inseparable until you came along.” Were you thinking about Christy when you were with me? She groaned out loud and forced herself to focus on the game.

  She looked at Christy and anger boiled in her gut. Christy had hit Susie. More than once. And, oh yeah, Christy had taken Marlee out the last time their two teams met. Marlee took a deep breath and turned the heat down on her anger. Now was not the time. She focused on Jeri instead. Jeri always had trouble hitting against Christy, but Marlee kept her fingers crossed that the tide would turn in her favor. It did. Jeri blooped a single just over the first baseman’s head.

  “There goes her no-hitter,” Lisa and Marlee yelled out to Jeri simultaneously. Marlee breathed easier.

  Julie, their number two batter, was up next. Jeri stole second base on the first pitch. On the pitch after that, Julie popped out to left field. Marlee did not watch the ball as it traveled. The Northwood left fielder is out there, she thought, nobody I know.

  “Good girl,” Lisa said.

  Marlee usually hit in the number three spot, but Coach Spears said she wanted to change things up a bit and moved Marlee to the number five batting spot. The Cougars’ current number three hitter smacked a single to center field. Coach Spears could have waved Jeri in to score, but decided to play it safe and stopped her at third base. The Clarksonville Cougar fans roared their displeasure at Coach Spears’ decision.

  Christy must have been rattled because she walked Lisa in four pitches. Marlee thought the walk was intentional, but either way, Marlee was up with the bases loaded. She couldn’t believe that the first time she had to face Christy Loveland after the “accident” would be with the bases loaded. She adjusted her helmet and hoped she wouldn’t need its protection. A granite pebble settled in the pit of her stomach, but she took a deep breath and stepped up to the plate. She tried to look strong and confident. It’s the Northwood pitcher, she reminded herself, just the Northwood pitcher. She concentrated on the Northwood pitcher’s release point.

  Marlee squeezed the bat tight. She had already decided that she wasn’t going to swing at the first pitch. She wanted at least one pitch to steady her nerves. This was, after all, the pitcher that had sent her to the hospital. Marlee watched the first pitch land in the dirt.

  “Ball one!” the umpire barked.

  Marlee was proud of herself. She hadn’t even flinched. She held her hand up for time. She stepped one foot out of the batter’s box and took a deep breath. She pulled her foot back in and readied herself for the next pitch. She was ready to swing this time, but the pitch was so far outside, the catcher had to dive for it. “Ball two,” the umpire said.

  “Ducks, batter, ducks. You’ve got ducks on the pond. Hit us in, #3. Hit us in,” Jeri yelled to Marlee from third base.

  The East Valley coach called time out and went to the pitcher’s circle for a conference with Christy. Marlee could hear Christy whine to her coach that she was concentrating and that she was trying to throw strikes. Marlee grinned and met Coach Spears halfway up the third base line for their own conference.

  “Marlee, she’s way behind in the count,” Coach Spears advised. “A walk is a run, but you know what I’ve always told you. If she throws you a sweet one, you’ve got the green light.” Coach Spears winked and patted Marlee on the helmet. “Oh, sorry. Broke my own rule.”

  “Batter?” The umpire requested Marlee’s presence in the batter’s box.

  Marlee dug in her heels and waited for the next pitch. A big fat meatball practically floated down the middle of the plate. Marlee felt like she was in slow motion. She swung hard and when the ball hit the sweet spot on her bat, she knew at least one run, probably two would score. She didn’t realize how well she’d hit the ball until it sailed over the left field snow fence. She had just hit a homerun with the bases loaded, a grand slam—her first ever. She slowed down to a homerun trot and punched a fist into the air. She saw Susie staring at the ball on the other side of the fence.

  Her teammates mobbed her when she crossed the plate. Lisa grabbed her in a bear hug, forcing her teammates to hug both of them. Once she extracted herself from the mob, Coach Spears came over, reached out to shake her hand, thought better of it, and wrapped her in a hug.

  Marlee found Jeri in the melee and asked her, “Hey, Jeri. ‘Ducks on the pond?’ I never understood what that meant.”

  “Me either,” she said and laughed. “It worked though, didn’t it?” They laughed about it until they had to take the field again. After one full inning, the Clarksonville Cougars led by a score of 4-0.

  “See this catcher’s mitt,” Lisa said as she walked Marlee to the circle for the top of the second inning. “I want you to think about why it’s called a mitt and yours is called a glove. That is all you will focus on. You will not look at batters. Understood?” Susie was obviously due up next.

  “Yes, dear,” Marlee answered subserviently.

  Marlee knew that Susie was waiting for some kind of sign, some kind of sign about their future together, but Marlee’s heart and head were still battling it out and Marlee couldn’t bring herself to take off her hat.

  Susie stepped into the batter’s box. Marlee struggled to stay focused on Lisa’s catcher’s mitt, because she knew that if she shifted her vision to the right slightly she would be looking right at Susie. Instead, she tried to read the brand name printed on Lisa’s mitt, but couldn’t quite make it out.

  Lisa wanted a fastball, low and inside. Marlee threw it. Susie swung and missed. The second fastball exploded into Lisa’s mitt for strike two. Normally, Lisa would call for a change-up, but this time she asked for the rise ball.

  Marlee shook her head at Lisa as
if to say, “She’ll expect that. I struck her out on that pitch last game.”

  Lisa shook her head and flashed the sign for rise ball again as if to say, “Yeah, but she won’t be able to hit it even if she is expecting it. Just throw it and stop arguing with me.”

  Susie swung so far under the rise ball that it surprised Marlee. It must have surprised Lisa as well since she almost dropped the ball, but hung on for the out. She sprinted out to the mound, gave Marlee the ball and said, “See? That wasn’t so hard. Now stop arguing with me while I’m trying to catch!”

  The next two East Valley batters didn’t fare any better than Susie had. The East Valley Panthers had still not scored after two innings.

  Luck ran for the Cougars in the bottom half of the inning because they did not get any runners on base and consequently didn’t score. At the end of the second inning the score remained 4-0 in the Cougars’ favor.

  Marlee jogged out to the pitcher’s circle for the top of the third inning. Since she had gotten Susie’s at-bat out of the way in the last inning, she could concentrate on simply pitching and playing softball. The first Panther batter popped up to Lisa in foul territory making the first out. The second batter popped up to Jeri in shallow center field for the second out. Marlee struck out the third batter, but needed eight pitches to do so. Marlee hoped she wasn’t getting tired. Three outs for the Panthers and the Cougars were up in the bottom of the third inning.

  Marlee got up to bat that inning and smashed a double up the left field line to score Lisa, who Christy had once again walked. Christy, it seemed to Marlee, didn’t feel like letting Lisa, an All-County batter, get any hits.

  “Nice hit, P,” Sam said from her second base position.

  “Thanks, 2. Feeling good today.”

  “I can see that.” Sam scurried off to her position, ponytail bouncing back and forth.

  The third inning ended with a score of 5-0 in the Cougars’ favor. The fourth and fifth innings proved to be unproductive for both teams and the score did not change. Both pitchers, it seemed, had found their respective groove.