Jamie knew she could not delay the inevitable so she screwed up her courage and said, "Ryan, I hope you're okay with this, and I really want you to tell me if you're not, but I'm....um..."
"What is it, Jamie?" Ryan asked gently as she crossed over to her chair and squatted down to look into her eyes. "You can tell me anything."
All of a sudden Jamie was unable to meet the penetrating gaze that seemed to burn into her. She was terribly embarrassed but she knew she had to get it out sooner or later so she decided to jump off the cliff immediately. "I'm not really ready to um…love you...ah…physically, or, well… at least completely," she stammered.
Ryan placed her warm hand on the even warmer cheek and leaned over to kiss her gently, "I think I'd be happy with nothing more than we had today, " she said with a winning smile. "I love you, Jamie, all of you, but I'm willing to wait for however long it takes for you to feel comfortable with sex." She sat back on her heels and regarded her friend for a moment as she asked, "You do want to progress to having sex eventually, don't you?"
"Oh, yes," she said sincerely as she nodded her head forcefully. "Of course I do."
Ryan leaned back in for another sweet kiss and asked, "Are you comfortable with me kissing you?"
"Very," she dreamily replied as she draped her arms loosely around her neck and kissed her back.
"Then I'm a happy girl. Remember that kissing is my favorite activity," the grinning brunette said with an eyebrow wiggle as she tweaked Jamie's nose. She got up and went back to sit in her own chair, noting with approval that her friend looked much more relaxed. "Are you sure you're not just a little bit tired?" she asked gently.
Her shy blush and sheepish grin were accompanied by a tiny nod of her blonde head.
"Do you want me to call the desk and have them send a roll-away bed up?"
"Um…do you think you could sleep with me and not…" Jamie stammered as she glanced toward the bed nervously.
Ryan slowly blinked her eyes trying to understand the implication of this question. As it became clear she looked at Jamie with a hurt look in her eyes and said, "God, I know I've got a reputation but I'm not a rapist!"
Jamie jumped from her chair and knelt down next to Ryan. She looked into her big blue eyes and hurriedly explained, "I was only going to ask if you could sleep with me and not be too uncomfortable," she insisted. "I am worried about pleasing you, Ryan, and I am really worried that you won't be able to be patient with me. But it would never cross my mind that you'd force yourself on me."
Ryan closed her eyes as she placed her hand upon Jamie's smooth cheek. "I'm sorry that came out like that. I'm nervous too, you know."
"You're nervous?" she asked in surprise. "What do you have to be nervous about?"
"Thanks," Ryan replied with a false smile. "Now I feel better."
"Well, I just mean that you've been with…you know…um…lots of…"
"I know, I know," Ryan admitted with an embarrassed scowl. "That's exactly what I'm nervous about." She took in a deep breath and blew it out as she admitted, "I'm worried about your opinion of me, Jamie. I know you've always considered sex to be a very big step and that it has to be part of a deep commitment for you. I'm worried about your opinion of me for having slept with so many women. Your respect means a great deal to me," she said as she looked up at Jamie with a fragile look on her beautiful face.
"Oh Ryan," she said softly as she reached up and wrapped her arms around her neck. "I respect you completely. You're one of the most moral and upright people I know." She sat back and added with a bashful smile, "I worry that you'll think I'm too inexperienced. Maybe we should get some of these feelings out in the open."
"Okay," Ryan said. "I'll start. This might take a minute though. Do you want to sit down?"
Jamie cast a quick glance at her chair but all of a sudden it seemed much too far away. "Can I perch here?" she asked, indicating the wide arm of Ryan's chair.
"Of course," Ryan said, as she turned a tiny bit to accommodate her friend. Jamie sat upon the arm and used the free space that Ryan had created to lean back against the back cushion. It was a little uncomfortable, but she wanted to be close while still maintaining a little separation.
When Ryan was sure the smaller woman was settled she began, "I think that one of your most endearing qualities is your devotion -- both to people and principles. I really admire that you decided you needed to reserve your sexual expression for people that you love and that you stuck with that decision through what must have been a lot of pressure. I didn't know Jack very well, but I can't believe he didn't pressure you to give in sooner than you wanted to."
"Well, in his defense I have to admit that he never tried to talk me into it. He just gave me incredibly pathetic looks and sometimes he made a show of how he couldn't stand up after we had been kissing for a while."
"One more good thing about being a woman," Ryan said dryly, only her dancing eyes giving away her playfulness. "No obviously incapacitating signs of arousal."
"But your point is well taken, Ryan. There was an incredible amount of pressure put on me in high school. I never felt physically intimidated but one guy tried to force his hand down my pants after a party during my freshman year."
"And that didn't intimidate you?" she asked in amazement, knowing that it certainly would have intimidated her at that age.
"Nope. Just because I hadn't seen testicles didn't mean I didn't know where they were," she declared with a wiggling eyebrow.
"You didn't!"
"I most certainly did! And I acted like I had inadvertently elbowed him right in the jewels so he couldn't even get mad! But I've got to tell you, guys lose interest really fast when they're doubled over in pain."
Ryan crossed her legs exaggeratedly as she said; "Remind me not to make you mad!"
Jamie gave her a kiss on the cheek as she got up and returned to her own chair. "Are you done praising me?" she asked.
"Not by a long shot," Ryan replied with a brief shake of her head. "I could go on all night but I'll try to keep it brief." She shot Jamie a sweet grin and continued, "I feel really special that you want to share your sexuality with me. The fact that it's precious to you makes it even more precious to me. I guess that's part of my worry," she conceded. "I fear that you'll feel like I've demeaned or devalued myself by being so promiscuous."
"Okay, let's set some ground rules right now," Jamie said briskly. "I do not think of you as promiscuous. I don't think you're a slut, either. Have you enjoyed having sex with lots of women?"
"Yeah, very much so."
"That's my point. You were doing something that you enjoyed, and I assume you didn't feel guilty about it at the time, right?"
"Right."
"So, you chose to be very expressive, with consenting adults, you were up front with them all, and you didn't feel guilty about it. What's wrong with that? Just because that would not work for me doesn't mean that I judge you for it, Ryan. We're very different people with different sex drives. And I've got to admit that I'm pretty interested in tapping into some of your drive," she added with a slightly embarrassed grin.
"Are you really?" Ryan asked with her own little grin curling up the corners of her mouth.
"Well, yeah," Jamie said. "I don't know a thing about how to love a woman. I'll freely admit that I'm scared spitless about what to do with you when we get to that point. Knowing that you've done just about everything reassures me in a funny way. It's kind of like when you taught me to ride your bike. You were so confident and gentle with me, and I just have a feeling you'll be the same way with lovemaking."
"I'll always be gentle with you, Jamie," she promised, gazing steadily into her eyes. "Thanks for reassuring me," she added shyly. "I think I was feeling a little insecure about your opinion but you've really made me feel better."
"You're welcome," she said through a deep yawn.
"Still not sleepy?" Ryan teased.
"Okay, I am a little tired," she admitted, although she made no move
toward the bed.
"Do you want to sleep together?" Ryan asked gently. "If you don't feel comfortable I really don't mind asking for a bed to be brought up."
"I think I'd like to sleep with you, but I don't want to make you uncomfortable," she insisted.
"I'd be very comfortable sharing your bed," she said confidently. "But what should we sleep in?" Ryan asked as she looked around the room for ideas.
"That's a very good question," Jamie replied. "I don't have the slightest idea. The hotel didn't happen to send up any underwear did they?" she asked hopefully as she gazed at their wet things hanging in the bath.
"Nope," Ryan said as she walked over to the sink and delicately sorted through the toiletries. "Maybe we could cover ourselves with toothpaste," she said helpfully as she held up the tiny tube.
"Well, smarty pants, does your pledge of chastity still hold if we sleep in that bed naked?" she asked as she pointed at the inviting bed.
Ryan's eyes grew wide as she stared first at the big bed and then at her friend, "Um, I've always found that sleeping in a big, bulky terry cloth robe is very pleasant."
"I really appreciate your patience, Ryan. I mean I know you have a strong ah...drive and I know this won't be easy for you."
"Well, I think I've done pretty darn well for myself this winter. How about a little appreciation for that?" she asked petulantly as she strolled back to her chair and flopped down.
"What do you mean?"
"I haven't had the companionship of a woman in ...let's see...two months," she stated proudly. "And aside from that one little pressure release it was three months before that."
"What?" Jamie gawked, a bit incredulous. "I mean I know you and Tracy didn't, but what about after her?"
"I told you about the night I went to visit Ally. But right after that, you told me how you felt about me. If there was any chance in the world that I could be with you I wasn't going to blow it."
"But I wouldn't have known if you just had casual sex, Ryan. And besides I didn't have any claim on you."
She leveled her gaze and stared deeply into her friend's eyes for a long moment. "I would have known, Jamie. Casual sex didn't have any interest for me once I thought I could have a real relationship with you. Actually, Ally called me the week after our little chat about being together. I had dinner with her but I told her all about you and explained that I couldn't have sex with her or anyone else until I knew where I stood with you. And let me correct one little thing, Jamie, you've always had a claim on me," she said as she crossed over to her chair and kissed her soundly. "You just didn't always know it."
"Whoa," Jamie said as she pulled away from Ryan's smiling face. "I think we need to set some ground rules for the physical side of this relationship, because that kiss almost made me forget my principles!" Ryan returned to her seat as Jamie began, "Let's start with tonight. Will it bother you to snuggle in bed?"
"It'll bother me if we don't!" Ryan said with wide eyes.
"You don't know how relieved that makes me," Jamie said winsomely. "Part of the reason I eventually decided to sleep with Jack was just so we could lie in bed and cuddle. But even though he did it, you could just tell it wasn't his idea."
"You are in luck, Ms. Evans. I am a certified cuddle-a-holic. I absolutely, positively love to cuddle and I do it with every person who will let me. And it doesn't have to be connected to sex either. I cuddle Caitlin when we nap together, and I've even been known to snuggle up to Duffy when I'm feeling touch deprived."
"Excellent," she gleefully replied. "Since we're not going to have sex right away I think we need to stay away from each other's umm…erogenous zones," she said with a fierce blush. "Is that okay?"
"Jamie, do you really think I could touch your erogenous zones and stop there? That's an obvious rule."
"How about hugging?"
"I'm in favor of as much hugging as I can get."
"Done," she agreed. "What else should we cover?"
"How do you feel about indirect hugs, say for instance, sitting on my lap?" she asked with a crooked grin.
"Don't you mean sitting on each other's laps? Shouldn't this be an equal partnership?"
"That's a very good point," Ryan said as she walked over to the chair and climbed aboard Jamie's small lap. "Umm, I like this," she enthused as she tried to ignore the strangled breath Jamie was trying to take. "How about you?"
"HELP!" she finally cried, much to Ryan's howling amusement.
"I'm not putting you down Jamie, but I weigh a lot more than you do. It just makes sense that I'll be the sittee and you'll be the sitter. Let's switch."
As soon as they did so, Jamie enthusiastically agreed that lap sitting was not only allowed, it was a clear requirement. "God, this feels good," she mumbled into Ryan's terry cloth-clad shoulder. The rhythmic trailing of Ryan's hand through her hair, the clean sweet smell of her skin and the warmth of the fireplace were combining to relax her so thoroughly that she feared she would fall asleep right where she lay. "We could just stay right here," she sleepily suggested.
"I could do that," Ryan agreed as her fresh minty breath ruffled the blonde hair hanging over Jamie's eyes.
"I've never felt safer or more secure," she said softly. "I just don't think you could make me any happier."
"Mind if I try?" she asked with a dangerously raised eyebrow.
Jamie felt most of her sleepiness leave her body as she cautiously shook her head.
Ryan pulled her in a little closer and effortlessly stood. Jamie's arms tightened reflexively around her neck as they crossed the room to stand by the bed. Squatting down just a bit Ryan reached down with her free hand and deftly pulled the covers back. She leaned over and softly deposited the small woman right in the middle of the bed. As Jamie released her hold she kissed her lightly and ordered, "Don't go away." Dashing around to the other side of the bed she quickly got in and drew the covers over both of their bodies. She adjusted her robe and scooted over to the middle of the bed, enveloping Jamie in a tender full body hug. When it became obvious that Ryan was only planning on hugging her, the smaller woman felt all of the tension leave her body as she relaxed into the warm, reassuring hug. After a moment she gave Ryan a sweet smile and said, "Now I really don't think you could make me any happier."
As Ryan bent to taste her lips she lightly rubbed noses and threatened, "Don't tempt me!"
They luxuriated in the tender embrace, soaking up the sensations of warm, clean, relaxed bodies, and gentle kisses.
Feeling a bit emboldened, Jamie slid her hand behind Ryan's head and pulled her close for a number of mind-numbing kisses. Ryan could feel her control begin to slip so she regretfully pulled away and gasped, "We need some kissing rules, and we need them quick!"
"Okay," Jamie agreed with a giggle. "What do you have in mind?"
"I think we need to stick to fairly chaste kisses," Ryan said thoughtfully. "I have lots of self-control if I don't get started, but it tends to fade away once my motor gets running."
"I can live with that," Jamie replied. "Let's make it a rule. Chaste kisses only," she said with a giggle as she practiced on a willing Ryan.
The first rule was shattered approximately three minutes after it was instituted. Ryan pulled back from a searing kiss and tried to focus her eyes. "What happened?" she asked groggily.
Jamie smiled up sweetly at her, "I got carried away?" she said by way of explanation.
"Do we try to live by the rule or would you like to make a friendly amendment?" Ryan asked with a definite leer.
"I think we had better try to live with the rule, much as I hate to. I really don't feel ready yet and I want it to be special when it happens."
"Oh, I guarantee it will be special," Ryan said with an even bigger leer as she broke the rule one last time.
After the lights were turned off they moved around a little trying to get comfortable in their bulky robes. It was tough to find a good position but they finally settled down with Jamie lying on her left side with Ryan
spooned up against her back. Ryan's right arm was tucked around her waist and their heads rested on the same large fluffy pillow. "You have the sweetest smelling neck," Ryan murmured sleepily as she felt some of the tension of the day draining from her body. "You're the first person I've ever met that could give Caitlin a run for her money."
Jamie smiled at the compliment but Ryan couldn't see her face so she added a little squeeze of her hand to make sure she knew it had been heard. "This is an awfully nice way to sleep, isn't it?" Jamie asked a few moments later.
"The best," Ryan agreed as her warm breath tickled the back of her partner's neck. "The first night of many thousands," she pledged.
Ryan felt her eyes grow heavy as Jamie's slow, deep breathing caused her to relax even more fully. But just as she was about to drift off she got a stab of anxiety in her chest, causing her to flinch perceptibly. "Are you okay?" Jamie's now alert voice asked.
"Yeah, just had that falling sensation I sometimes get when I'm half asleep," she said, in a partial truth. As Jamie settled back down Ryan tried to slow her racing heart. Yeah, Ryan, she said to herself. This is about falling. Only this time the falling sensation is falling in love! She reassured herself as best she could but a nagging doubt was burrowing into her subconscious. God, I know I could make love to Jamie a million different ways—and I'm sure that I won't have any problem pleasing her physically. But this isn't about that! I've been with so many women…but none of them really mattered to me. I tried to please them but I concentrated on my sexual prowess to do so. I can't rely on that with Jamie, though, she acknowledged. She's not going to base her opinion of me on how many orgasms I give her. She's going to love me based on the real me—on how open and connected and intimate I can be with her. She sucked in a deep breath as her stomach did a little flip. This is scary! She tightened her hold a little and nuzzled her head against Jamie's neck, willing the sweet smell to help calm her racing heart. It's okay, she repeated again and again. She loves you and she'll work with you to be more intimate. It will work out if you try hard enough, Ryan. She loves you enough to take that risk. She was still reassuring herself 15 minutes later as she drifted off into an exhausted slumber.
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