Duty At What Cost?

by Michelle Conder

  Without giving himself time to decide if it was a bad idea, he wrapped his arms around her from behind.

  She stiffened but he didn’t let go.

  ‘I’m sorry for yelling at you. I behaved like a jackass.’

  ‘Yes, you did.’ She sniffed. ‘Why?’

  Now, there was the million-dollar question. ‘I was jealous.’

  Her eyebrows shot up. ‘Of Baden?’

  ‘I thought you were talking to Lorenzo.’

  Her eyes softened and Wolfe felt more vulnerable than he ever had, even as a kid walking up to the front door of his house after school and wondering if his mother would be home.

  Her throat worked and he was sure she was about to say something soft and mushy. He wanted to hear it so badly he ducked his head and kissed her breathless. He wasn’t sure if she had been about to tell him that she loved him but he couldn’t have coped if she had.

  Because it wouldn’t be real. They had grown closer through forced proximity and sex, but that wasn’t love. And he couldn’t bear to hear her say it when she didn’t mean it.

  A memory of his mother tucking him into bed and kissing his forehead when he was about five punched him in the head. Her warmth...her soft touch...

  He felt a yearning open up inside him and doused it by slipping his hands beneath Ava’s baggy T-shirt and appeasing a much more basic need. He stroked her breasts until she arched into him.

  This.

  This was something he knew he could trust in.

  He lifted her onto the bench and yanked the shorts down her long legs, shifting her forward so that his erection was cradled in the notch between her thighs.

  ‘That feels so good,’ she groaned, wrapping her arms around his neck.

  Wolfe kissed her like a starving man and carried her back to his bedroom.

  * * *

  ‘After the bomb?’

  ‘Mmm?’ Ava felt Wolfe shift to his side and let her body collapse against him.

  ‘Ava, baby, wake up. I need to ask you something.’

  ‘Mmm? Do I have to?’

  ‘Yes, come on, baby. Back to the land of the living.’ She sighed, enjoying the way his hand stroked her hair from her face.

  ‘Okay, I’m back, General. What it is you want to know?’

  ‘You said before that Baden was checking on you after the bomb?’

  Ava frowned. The urgency in his voice was more than clear. ‘Yes.’

  ‘Did you tell him about it?’

  ‘No.’

  ‘You’re sure? Now, think, baby. I need you to be certain.’

  ‘I’m not a child, Wolfe.’

  ‘Don’t go getting surly on me again.’

  She arched a brow. ‘Me? Get surly?’

  ‘Okay, okay.’ He cupped her face in his hands. ‘This is important. I need you to be one hundred percent certain.’

  ‘Why would I tell Baden when he already knew about it?’

  Wolfe closed his eyes briefly, as if he was in pain. Which he might be considering his bruises and their recent lovemaking. ‘He shouldn’t know.’

  Ava pushed his hands aside, the nape of her neck tingling. ‘I don’t see how he couldn’t. It must be all over the media, and my father would have told him.’

  Before she’d even finished speaking Wolfe was off the bed, shucking into his boxers and jeans. ‘Dammit, where’s my phone?’

  ‘I saw it in the kitchen. Wolfe...?’

  ‘Stay here.’

  Ava stared after his departing figure and only paused to sweep up the T-shirt he hadn’t bothered to put on before racing after him.

  He was on the phone but speaking too quietly for her to take in more than, “Yeah...” and, “Get back to me.”

  ‘Want to tell me what’s going on?’

  Wolfe had his soldier’s face on when he turned to her. ‘You might want to sit down.’

  Ava did, but only because his intensity was starting to make her legs feel rubbery. ‘You think it’s Baden.’

  Wolfe pulled a chair in front of hers and sat down, his hands gentle as he held hers. ‘I know you don’t want to believe this, but your father just confirmed that Baden hadn’t been told about the explosion.’

  ‘But it must be all over the internet by now at the very least.’

  He shook his head. ‘No. I had it suppressed. As far as anyone knows a car ran into the front of your gallery.’

  Ava stared at Wolfe’s hands, absently noting how beautiful they were. Then her eyes rose to his. ‘Baden would never have hurt Frédéric.’

  Wolfe sighed. ‘I’m sorry, Ava. I know you won’t want to hear this but my team have been closing in on him for a few days now. He’s mentally unstable. Did you know that?’

  Mentally unstable? Ava shook her head.

  ‘He’s been diagnosed with schizophrenia. And his psychological transcripts reveal that he blames your father for the death of his.’

  Stunned by what he was telling her, Ava shook her head. ‘No. His father died in a boating accident.’

  ‘Your father was driving it.’

  ‘I know, but... You think Baden believes he should be the heir to the throne in Anders?’

  ‘That’s what it looks like.’

  ‘But why do something now? Why not get rid of me and Frédéric years ago?’

  ‘He might not have considered it. He might be off his meds. Or perhaps your father’s illness has made him panic.’

  Ava refused to countenance Wolfe’s ideas.

  ‘How could he expect to get away with such a thing?’

  ‘That’s the part only he knows.’

  His expression grew remote and she felt him mentally withdraw from her when he stood up.

  ‘All you need to know is that it’s over. You can go home.’

  CHAPTER TWELVE

  ‘IT’S OVER. You can go home.’

  Ava shivered. She knew Wolfe meant more than the threat to her life was over, and it made the four-hour flight to Anders interminable. She spent the whole time thinking about every way imaginable to tell him that she loved him and didn’t want him to leave, but came up empty.

  She’d nearly blurted it out in his kitchen, when he’d told her he was jealous, but he’d tensed up like a lone lion with a pack of hungry hyenas approaching and distracted her. She suspected that move had been because he had guessed what she’d been about to say and didn’t want to hear it. And why would he? It wasn’t as if she would be giving him some prized gift he’d waited his whole life to receive.

  And on top of that her period had arrived midflight. She didn’t know how she felt about that, having thought all afternoon about what it would be like to carry Wolfe’s baby. But she knew she hadn’t been relieved to find his bathroom well stocked with female hygiene products. Though that had been a timely reminder that he was a man who enjoyed women. And plenty of them. And knowing why, knowing that his mother had left him over and over and no doubt given him a healthy dose of abandonment issues in the process, didn’t make the reality of his choices any easier to bear.

  Still feeling torn about what to do when the plane finally landed, she moved to the open doorway and paused. A fierce wind whipped her hair around her head. She saw her father and, surprisingly, Lorenzo waiting beside one of the palace cars, and she wished she was wearing more than one of Wolfe’s shirts tied in a knot at the waist and a pair of his jeans rolled at both ends.

  She felt Wolfe come up behind her and turned, expecting that he would accompany her down onto the tarmac. As soon as she saw the remote expression on his face she knew instantly that he wasn’t going to. And, unlike the last time he had flown her home, she would have welcomed his support now.

  ‘You’re not coming,’ she said unnecessarily, straightening her spine as if his actions meant nothing to her.

  Wolfe hesitated and then shook his head. ‘No. I have another job to go to.’

  Oh. She hadn’t thought of that. ‘Where is it?’

  ‘That’s confidential.’

  A
nd dangerous. He didn’t have to add that.

  Ava gripped the inside of the open doorway, remembering all those scars on his body.

  ‘I won’t be back.’

  She nodded slowly, feeling as if her stomach was about to upend its entire contents all over his shiny shoes. He looked at her warily, as if he was expecting her to kick up a fuss and stamp her feet—beg him to stay, perhaps. And she wanted to. She wanted to do all those things. But she wouldn’t.

  For one thing her father was waiting with what looked like the entire police force in attendance, and for another...Wolfe was too closed. Too distant.

  Saying I love you seemed like too big a leap to make in the face of his implacable regard, and it wasn’t as if it would change the outcome in any way. He was leaving. He couldn’t make that any plainer.

  ‘I can see that.’

  His eyes snapped to hers, as if he was surprised by her lack of argument. ‘I can’t give you what you want, Ava. I’m sorry.’

  He was sorry?

  Ava shook her head at his pitiful comment. No way was she accepting that cop-out. ‘How do you know? You haven’t even asked what I want.’ She knew there was an edge of frustration in her voice but she couldn’t contain it. ‘The truth is, Wolfe, you don’t want to give me what I want because you have trained yourself not to need anyone. To be like that island you own. But you’re not, and if you’re honest with yourself you’ll realise that your mother’s actions hurt you just as much as they did your brother. Maybe more.’

  She glanced up quickly, wondering if her words had affected him at all. If he got just how ruthlessly he’d disconnected himself emotionally.

  ‘I’m fine as I am.’

  That would be a no, then...

  Ava sighed. He really was like an immovable rock, and she realised there was nothing left to say. The fact was Wolfe didn’t love her and, as she had so often had to do lately, she had to face the reality of her situation.

  Closing her eyes briefly against the quivering sensation in her bottom lip, she straightened her spine, marshalling her indifference to protect herself as she had so often done in the past. But it wasn’t easy. Wolfe had crashed through her protective walls with the force of a military tank and all she wanted was for him to take her in his arms and tell her he loved her.

  ‘Okay, then.’ She turned to go, her feet leaden.

  She hadn’t made it two steps when he grabbed hold of her arm and stopped her. Ava felt her heart soar and searched his face for some sign that he was about to—

  ‘You’ll let me know if there’s a child, won’t you?’ His voice was gravelly, strained.

  Right then her hopes and dreams were well and truly shattered. She knew he would have ‘done the right thing’ if she had been pregnant, and it was with some irony that she realised that while she had fought marrying someone else for convenience she had never considered that the opposite could happen. That someone would have to marry her for convenience.

  ‘There won’t be,’ she replied woodenly.

  He frowned and dropped her arm. ‘You can’t know that for sure.’

  ‘Yes, I can,’ she said wearily. ‘I got my period on the plane. Nice stash of female hygiene products, by the way.’

  ‘My staff stock my plane, not me.’

  Okay, that was something...sort of.

  When he didn’t immediately walk away she glanced up again and found his expression fierce.

  ‘Ava, I still want you.’

  She stared back at him while those words sank in and then she just felt angry. ‘I don’t know what you want me to say to that, Wolfe.’ Because apart from begging him to stay what could she say? That he should do what she wanted him to do? Be what she wanted him to be? Wasn’t that what she had railed against her father for her whole life? ‘It doesn’t mean anything. It’s only lust and lust fades over time. Isn’t that what you believe?’

  ‘Yes.’

  God, she hoped he was right. Because she felt as if her heart was being cleaved in half with a toothpick.

  ‘Ava?’ Her father materialised at her side. ‘Is there a problem?’

  ‘No.’ Swallowing hard, she braced herself to look at Wolfe one more time, her eyes tracking over his features like a laser beam, trying to trace every fine detail of his handsome face. ‘Goodbye, Monsieur Wolfe. I hope you find what it is you are searching for.’

  Turning away before he saw how painful it was for her to walk away from him, Ava let her father escort her from the plane, resolved to face whatever the future had in store for her with the same dignity and grace her mother would have shown.

  CHAPTER THIRTEEN

  WOLFE HAULED HIMSELF out of the sparkling blue sea and flopped onto the hot sand. The sun beat down on his head with relentless precision and a hermit crab scurried towards the ocean in search of safety.

  The only sounds he could hear were the languid ebb and flow of the incoming tide and the intermittent squawk of overhead birds as they dived for fresh fish.

  By rights he should have felt happy and relaxed, but he didn’t. He hadn’t felt that way for three days. Not since flying out of Anders and ordering his pilot to return to Cape Paraiso instead of flying him to the round of meetings he’d had to put off to guard Ava.

  Ava.

  When he’d left her back in Anders he had somehow convinced himself that he would be fine. That he would get over her. Right now he felt very far from fine. And his sense of loss when she’d told him she had got her monthly period on the plane made a mockery of his assertion that he would get over her.

  ‘I hope you find what it is you’re searching for,’ she had said at the end.

  The trouble was he hadn’t been searching for anything. She’d been right in her first assumption that night at the gala ball. He was running. Filling up his life with work and activities so he would never have to face how empty his existence really was. So he’d never have to think about what he really wanted.

  But that was unavoidable now, it seemed, because he couldn’t think about anything else. He couldn’t think about anything other than Ava.

  He shook water from his hair and let his hands dangle over his knees.

  The fact was he missed her.

  She was everywhere on the island. In his kitchen in the morning when he made coffee, on his deck when he stood beside the pool and searched for the silver phone he’d removed a week ago, in his bed at night when he rolled over and found it empty, on the beach... He wasn’t sure how she had infiltrated every part of his mind so profoundly in such a short space of time but there was no doubting that she had.

  And if he kept up obsessing about her like this the next thing he’d think was that he was in love with her.

  Hell.

  He was in love with her.

  Why keep denying it? He’d known it for a long time—he’d just refused to face it. Fear had kept him immobile. Fear of needing her more than she needed him. Fear of ending up a lonely shell of a man like his father. Fear of facing the fact that, yes, he had been just as devastated as his brother every time his mother had done her disappearing act.

  ‘Understood what, Wolfe? That you were a child who couldn’t rely on his mother’s love?’

  Oh, hell.

  His heart had known the truth. His heart had kept pushing him towards her. His heart had wanted to protect her and care for her. His heart had insisted that he trash his dodgy rules every time he’d looked at her. It was his head that had come late to the party.

  But was it too late?

  Wolfe stared blankly out to sea. The way he saw it he had two options. He could take the risk, tell her how he felt and hope she didn’t have guards cart him away, or he could keep his pride intact, travelling the world by himself until he slowly did become that empty shell of a man he had spent his life trying not to be.

  He ran his hand through his hair. Hell, that wasn’t even a real choice.

  * * *

  ‘I think we should make the announcement about your engagement to Lo
renzo at the same time.’

  Ava paused in the middle of scanning the acceptance speech she would read after her father announced his impending abdication and stared at him. ‘I disagree.’

  ‘It makes sense to combine the two. It’s more efficient.’

  Ava’s lips pinched together. ‘That may be so, but I need to do this my way.’

  Her father made a grievous noise that sounded suspiciously like a snort of disgust, but he didn’t push it, fussing instead with his military uniform before heading off to the state room where invited guests and the media waited for their arrival.

  After double-checking her own outfit—a royal sash pinned diagonally to a satin gown—Ava followed him.

  In the past few days they had grown closer than they’d ever been, drawn together by the devastating impact of Baden’s actions and a mutual commitment to ensure that he received the best psychiatric care possible. Her father had shown great fortitude in the face of his nephew’s betrayal, and Ava wished that she could grant her father this last request of her. But how could she?

  Not only did it go against all of her hopes and dreams for herself, but her heart was so heavy she couldn’t imagine she’d ever be happy again.

  Wasn’t it only fair that she worked to get over Wolfe before making the ultimate commitment to another man? Even if that man knew she didn’t love him?

  But, really, she asked herself, did it matter? Her father’s illness had worsened with the stress of everything that had happened, and he was being forced to abdicate. Anders needed an heir... She sighed and came to a stop behind her father’s straight figure as he waited for the state room door to be opened. Her pining for unrequited love seemed trivial by comparison.

  And Lorenzo was a wonderful man. He would make any woman an excellent husband, and maybe if she committed herself to him the pain of losing Wolfe would start to fade.

  ‘Okay.’ She stayed her father with her hand on his arm just before he entered the room. ‘Announce it.’

  Her father frowned and swiped at the beads of sweat on his brow. Then he nodded. ‘You’ve made me very proud.’

  Ava gave a small smile. She hoped her mother had heard that.