How I Fall

by Anne Eliot

  I lean back and hold my breath, praying he can solve this because now, even with all the others staring, there is no way I can move. Not even my good side. I can only concentrate on the soft warm pressure of his hands at the bottom of my rib cage as he begins to lift me. His touch, my leap of reckless trust…has caused my knees to shake in a way I can’t even process.

  He takes my weight and moves me effortlessly like I’m some sort of dancer. He gets me up only just high enough to clear the step so it appears that I’ve done the move myself. I snap out of it and place my good hand on the hand rail, gripping it for dear life.

  Cam moves in close behind me to climb up next, and I can only hope his wide form is blocking everyone’s view from the fact that he’s shifted me even more and has taken my full weight up into his arms again. I relax some and let my hand slide along the rail and he gets both of us up the steps so smoothly. That’s when I know I’ve become someone else. I’m just a normal girl. One who’s coordinated and graceful and fast.

  I’m already sliding into my seat next to the window with my bag snugly on my lap as everyone else crowds up into the aisle. While Cam sits, I field a questioning and wounded glare from Patrick who’s taken the seat across from us to sit with Laura. Since I can’t face Patrick just yet, I stare at the back of the seat in front of me and watch Cam out of the corner of my eye. He arranges his long legs and all of his things next to me in the seat in a way that makes it seem natural that his arm is now around the top of my shoulders like it has somehow always belonged there!

  Laura’s saying something goofy and has caused half of the bus to crack up. Even the driver seems to be charmed by her accent and antics. In the midst of the noise and chaos of everyone settling in, I finally sneak a glance to see what Cam’s doing. His face is one inch from mine like he’d been peering down to scan my face the whole time I’ve been spacing out. My eyes go to his lips, then to the crinkles next to his eyes because he’s smiling. I swallow and shake my head so I can clear it. My cheeks flame and I hardly recognize myself reflected in his concerned, slate and navy eyes—because—who is that girl sitting next to Cam Campbell? Is it me?

  “Was that…okay? I didn’t hurt you or anything, did I?” He smiles hopefully.

  I shake my head and on a half-choking breath I say, “It was great. Perfect, actually. Thanks.” I sigh. “Just thanks.”

  “Thanks for what?” he covers, acting like what he did for me was some kind of normal, daily activity. And maybe it will be…now. Thanks to how genuinely nice he seems to be. Thanks to Miss Brown. Thanks to crazy Laura London, tiger beanies and possibly thanks to…fate?

  I look away, loving the warmth Cam’s arm is bringing to my forever-cold body and take in Laura’s laughing face again. I have to smile a little at the way Patrick keeps forgetting to look pissed off at me because his eyes are so lost on watching Laura’s every move.

  I wonder, are we…are we all now friends—just like that—just like this? Is it only a matter of time before someone throws a rude comment from the back of the bus? Or will they? I lean back on the seat, listening to everyone’s chatter with all of my might.

  Cam, like he’s kind of frozen and stunned too, is still looking at me, waiting for me to say something more. I can’t find my voice so I shake my head again. As if he knows I can’t possibly answer his question, he quickly turns away to joke across the aisle with Patrick and Laura.

  This has me working hard to resist what it is I’m hoping for right now. But as Cam pulls me closer and I listen to Laura’s bubbling giggles, my resolve crumbles.

  I let myself hope and wish that these new friendships, and this fun, and this arm appearing around my shoulders all the time, and the part where Cam Campbell seems to be able to read my mind—could somehow actually be for real.

  cam

  Miss Brown’s digi-photo room is pitch dark when I arrive for lunch. This is good because I’m kind of panting from running down here so fast. I managed to convince my comp-lit teacher to let me out of class before the lunch bell, and now my heart’s beating faster than how it feels after I’ve rushed the ball to make a touchdown.

  I ran for many reasons. First, because I didn’t want Tanner or anyone else from my normal lunch crowd to latch on and follow me down here. Second, of course, because I couldn’t wait to see Ellen again. And third, because I’m a dork, and I think running through empty school hallways is awesome entertainment.

  So what? No one saw.

  As I flip on the light, I’m surprised to find Patrick already sitting at one of the work tables at the back of the room, feet up. He’s been watching me this whole time. And he’s not smiling.

  Not at all.

  “Ellen didn’t tell me you’d be here,” I say, raising a questioning brow as I dump my lunch sack off near the door and cross the room to where he’s sitting.

  Patrick slams his feet down. “I didn’t know I suddenly needed an invitation to have lunch with the girl I have lunch with in here every other day. So you know, Ellen invited me, way back to help with her photo project. I’d told her no because of football commitments, but, as of this morning I’ve decided to sign on. If you’ve got time, I’ve got time.”

  “Why?” My dad’s face flashes in my mind. I hear him ordering me to get Patrick to work on the project with us. If he saw us both in here, he would pat me on the back and believe I orchestrated this.

  Way to work fast, son. That’s my little puppet.

  My heart constricts and I feel slightly ill, wishing my dad hadn’t ever brought up the football scholarship stuff to me. “I wouldn’t sign on, dude,” I say, walking over to the windows. “This project is going to be a ton of work plus eons of time, and it’s going to seriously cut into your social life. Are you going to even get a grade for your time? At least the rest of us will bump our GPA’s if we do well.”

  I turn back and he eyes me with a steely-black gaze from across the room. “Are you trying to get rid of me?”

  I wonder if I could hold my own in a fight with this guy, because it looks like he wants to pound me into the ground right here and now. I switch focus back out the window and try to act all relaxed and bored. “No. But if you’ve got better things to do, then you don’t need to burn up your free time, that’s all. Miss Brown assigned me to Ellen’s project to make sure she doesn’t get hurt. If you were worried, Ellen’s safety is covered. That’s all.”

  “Is it? Well, guess what? I’d like to make sure of that.” He blinks, crossing his arms and leaning back in his chair. “You’re the one who’s outside your element, not me. So don’t expect me to just find a new best friend because you think you’ve got a little school assignment to do.”

  I shrug again, fronting hard now. “Whatever. I’m just here to get my grade and get on with my life.”

  “Really. Ellen told me you’re a better photographer than she is and that maybe you’re as invested in the WOA project as she is. Is it true? If you win, will you spend the summer in Ontario, living in the Western Ontario Arts dorms? With her?”

  I blink, surprised. “I’m sure you guessed she’s lying. No way am I more talented. I also really don’t care if I win the WOA, though it would be cool. My dad wouldn’t let me go off to live in dorms for a summer and miss football camp.”

  “I’m not sure what’s a lie anymore, but if you don’t care about the WOA project then you and I are about to have a huge problem.” He uncrosses his arms and leans across the table toward me, letting his severe expression slip. “Look. Dude. I don’t mean to be too much in your business but I’m going to let my guard down here and level with you.”

  “Okay?” I raise one brow.

  He stands up and walks over to the windows. “I need to know what you are doing. With Ellen. To Ellen’s head.”

  My heart twists and I let my guard down too. “I haven’t done anything to her, ot
her than try to look out for her—keep her safe, I guess. Did she say I was out of line or something?”

  He rolls his eyes to the ceiling. “No. She said nothing. Which is not like her. And she’s been sporting this secretive smile. One I don’t even recognize that’s hitting her face every few minutes. After what I witnessed at the bus stop today and on the bus, I think that is all because of you. If you aren’t into the WOA project like it’s your religion then…dude, are you…into Ellen?”

  “What if I am?” My breath catches, and I’m replaying his words all while trying to keep my face straight, wondering if it’s true. “A different smile? Really?”

  Patrick uncrosses his arms and leans against the window jam. “You can get any girl you set your mind to. Can’t you see Ellen’s about to get an unrealistic crush going on you? All the signs are there that she’s got one going already.”

  “You think? Really?” My heart soars. This guy knows her better than anyone.

  “Yes.” He draws his brows down into a menacing glare. “I’m asking you to take a step back before she gets interested…or her heart gets involved.”

  I shake my head. “Step back? Sorry, but no. If that’s the case, then I’ve got to keep going.”

  “Why? Truth. All of it.”

  “Truth? I’ve had my own unrealistic crush on that girl for years.”

  “You’ve never even looked her way.”

  “Yes, I have. She’s just never looked back until yesterday. You know how she is, always in her own bubble, doing her own thing.”

  He nods, but doesn’t say anything so I go on, “I’ve waited a long time to figure out a way to talk to her. Like since eighth grade. And now Miss Brown and Laura London have paved the way for me. I’m not backing down. Not now that it seems to be working. I suck at communication with girls who I actually like. I’m hoping this project is going to allow me to get to know her better so…”

  “So what? So you can hook-up?” His hands have fisted like he’s going to murder me.

  “No! I want…”

  “A girlfriend? Because that’s the only answer I’m going to accept from you.”

  “Dude. I don’t know. Okay? A friend at least. But yeah, if things go well…I’m hoping I can convince her to like me back—on that level.”

  “And if it works?” He frowns. “If she takes the bait, then what? Did you think stuff through? It’s not like Ellen can just run with your regular crowd.”

  “Why?”

  “Because she’s nicer than they are—because she doesn’t deserve to be made fun of—and your crowd has been making fun of Ellen since grade seven!” He throws his arms wide. “If she blows you off—and I think she should—are you going to ditch the WOA project? Because that project is more important than air to that girl. I can’t have you messing with that either. More than the teasing, you messing up that project, it would kill her.”

  I pin him with my own back-off glare and add, “I won’t let her be made fun of. That’s a promise. If I have to, I’ll run with a different crowd. Starting with Laura. And you. If you’re not a jerk, that is. And if you aren’t her dad. Which, by the way, you kind of sound like both right now…so…”

  “Please.” He snorts, obviously not intimidated by me. “Do you even know anything about her? Ellen can’t even run at all. Not one step. So running with your crowd or me or you is not an option.”

  My heart sinks. “I mean…I didn’t know….”

  “You don’t know a lot of stuff about her or about her CP.”

  “So what? I don’t care if she can’t run. I like her. Not how she runs or walks, not if she has or doesn’t have Cerebral Palsy! What does that matter?”

  He sighs and leans back against the window sill, pausing to put his hands into his hair like this whole thing is giving him a headache. “What about how she’s all slow and fragile and what about how she falls?”

  “How she falls is why I can’t stop myself from wanting to be near her. I feel like I can protect her.”

  He nods slowly. “She doesn’t want or need a protector. Say that in front of her and you’re sunk.”

  “I already figured that one out, thanks, but at this point, I couldn’t stop myself from watching over her even if I tried.”

  “Tell me about it. Welcome to my whole life.”

  I manage a wry smile. “As for her project, I’ll do anything she wants for that. I’m not going to let her down. Even if she’s not into me, I’m solid to do the work and do it well.”

  He nods. “But you’ve said you’ve got a crush. How do you imagine all of that part is going to go?”

  I sigh and turn to lean on the window jam as well. “Who knows? Maybe once we know each other better—maybe then—she will decide she likes me back, or maybe we will hate each other. Or, maybe we will never bring up the topic of how I’ve got a crush on her at all—unless you blurt out something stupid.”

  “I won’t. I don’t want her having her hopes up unless it’s for real.”

  I blink. “I can’t predict that. Worst case, we will end up friends. Isn’t that how things should go once you’ve got your heart tied in knots with wondering crap like how things are going to go with a girl you like? Honestly, dude. I have no clue.”

  He lets out a long breath. “I’d back off if all things were normal. But you know things just can’t be normal with Ellen. You’ve got no idea what and how hard she battles every minute of her life to just get through the day. Just to walk down one hallway in this school.”

  “Is it a crime if I want to know? If I want to understand her? Know her?”

  He shrugs. “Maybe not. Even though she comes across tough as nails, she’s not. Ellen hasn’t grown an inch or put on one pound since her last surgery two years ago. She’s all of 100 pounds. To keep her weight up is really hard. The PT she endures and Botox shots she gets to keep the left side of her body and her hand flexible are extreme. And that’s just her physical stuff. She’s got other stuff going on—stuff about how she’s really stubborn, and stuff about how her dad left her and her mom years ago and he sucks. She’s still facing surgeries on her bad leg and arm that she’s refusing to even do! So much stuff that is not even my right to share any of this information with you but I am because for some messed up reason I feel like I believe you.” He lets out a long sigh. “She needs to stay strong and focused and happy to get through to the end of senior year. I can’t let you just show up and get inside her head because you’re curious. Not even a little.”

  “But if I’m more than just curious? And if she liked me back, do you think she and I would be anything good together?”

  He meets my gaze dead on. “Do you? With your football future—your schedule—your life? With your father who is not the nicest person? Do you really think you and your situation will bring anything but stress and more heartbreak to Ellen’s life? Because, no offense, I seriously wonder.”

  “I—I don’t know. Don’t you also have a dad who’s a jerk and yet you seem to be a great part of Ellen’s life.”

  He shakes his head and smiles with an air of apology, appearing to relax some. “Yeah. True. Shouldn’t be a life sentence to have dirt bag family members hanging around, I guess. If we count Ellen’s father into the equation, then that factor seems to have made the three of us into cool enough people.” He goes on, “Just know, her CP, her exhaustion, her whole everyday life that we take for granted hurts her way more than she lets on.”

  I nod. “I swear I won’t let anything bad happen to her. I couldn’t. I like her too much.”

  Patrick moves closer until he and I are standing eye-to-eye. “Give me one reason to trust you with Ellen Foster’s heart—her soul. She thinks you have some kind of magic talent that has her stuck on this idea you guys can win. So give me one reason, and I’ll back down and give you—and your ide
a about your crush on my best friend—a chance.”

  “Fine. It’s more than a crush. It’s something bigger. It’s taken me this long to even speak to her because every time I’ve even thought about it, I’ve bombed. It’s because I think I’m somehow in love with her, okay? I think I’ve always been in love with her.”

  “No. Way.” Patrick blinks. “Just. No. Way.”

  “Yes. Okay?” I glare at him. “I don’t know what it means or where that’s going, or even if I’m ever going to have any sort of courage to tell her. Because you’re right, I’m a mess and so is my whole life. Now that I know her better, I get that she’s so far out of my league that I’m pretty sure I don’t deserve her.”

  He nods. “Go on. I agree with all that you’ve said.”

  “I only know how I’ve felt for a long time, like she and I are supposed to somehow be at the very least friends. All I can do is hope for something more. The feeling’s so strong, and so inescapable it’s all consuming. I actually feel like I’m losing my mind when I think about her.”

  He blinks and steps back, letting out a low whistle. “Do you feel crazy? You don’t sleep at all? And you have this ongoing sensation like you’ve become a stalker and you’re mostly freaked out all the time?”

  “Exactly.” I blink at him. “How do you know?”

  He laughs and runs a hand through his hair. “We are so doomed.”

  “What?”

  “That’s how I feel about Laura London.”

  I laugh. “No. You and the glitter girl? No.” I shake my head, laughing more while trying to picture it. “Really?”