Nephi's Courage

by Rory McFarlan

  “Between Sophie and work, we really don’t have time for much else,” said Ammon. Mike nodded his head in understanding and then turned to face Nephi who sat in a chair across the room.

  “Nephi, how is Brower treating you these days?”

  “This week was interesting,” explained Nephi. “Mark Stone called me into his office on Friday to inform me that I would be released from my church calling. The conversation was awkward.”

  “How so?” asked Darla.

  “I had a conversation with Bishop Thompson on Thursday and brought up some concerns that I have and I was released the next day. The timing of everything was strange, and it felt odd to have a meeting about church when I was at work,” said Nephi.

  “You have been in that calling for four years,” said Jacob. “That is a long time and you were due to be released. Don’t assume the worst in people.”

  “I’m not assuming the worst,” replied Nephi. “I may have been due for release anyway, but I know that my conversation with Bishop caused my release. I just talked with him about it this afternoon. He even took away my temple recommend.”

  “Why? What did you do?” asked Jacob in an accusatory tone.

  “I asked questions,” replied Nephi.

  “Questions,” interrupted Jacob before he could continue, “are not enough to get your temple recommend taken away. You’re not giving us the whole story. You seriously need to stop acting so gay, Nephi. Come on, just tone it down a bit. If you wouldn’t throw it in everyone’s face, then you wouldn’t have to worry about issues at church or at work.”

  “Excuse me?” said Nephi, reaching the point of exasperation. “I am who I am and I don’t throw anything in anyone’s face. Yes, I am attracted to men but I have never even been on a date. How dare you assume anything about a situation you know nothing about?”

  “Oh, I know all about it,” said Jacob. “I grew up with you, remember? I know how you are and I can imagine what led to this. Nephi, you just need to humble yourself and repent and stop flaunting your gayness. Think about the family for once. Think about Mom and Dad, who go to the same ward as you. Imagine what people are saying.”

  Nephi did his best to calm himself before speaking. Jacob had always been embarrassed of Nephi, more so since he came out. Nephi and his brothers were all named after prophets in the Book of Mormon and Jacob always felt that he was best at living up to the name. Nephi began to open his mouth to speak before being interrupted by Darla.

  “Jacob Nehemiah Willard,” she yelled, “Don’t you dare speak to your brother that way. I am proud of him and I don’t care what in the heck anyone at church thinks or says about me or any of my children. People talk. Ain’t no stoppin’ it. What we can control is the way we respond. I’m proud of all of you and you should stick up for each other, not tear each other down. Now I won’t listen to another word of this.”

  When Darla put her foot down, that was that. End of conversation. Everyone sat in awkward silence with their mother staring them down, one by one, forcing their glance to the ground. She had a stare that could burn right through you and one could only bare it for so long.

  The uncomfortable moment was interrupted by laughter as Dallin, Crystal, and Sophie returned to the room carrying a story book. “This one, Uncle Nephi,” said Dallin. “Read this one.”

  Nephi took the book, and the children sat on the floor in front of him. He turned the book around so they could see the pictures while he read. They were captivated as he played every character in a perfect voice.

  After story time, Nephi’s siblings all said they needed to get going. Nephi gave everyone hugs, even Jacob, and they went on their way. Nephi was left alone with his mom and dad.

  “You know, Nephi,” said Darla, “your brother doesn’t really mean it.”

  “Oh, he means it, Mom,” said Nephi.

  “Well, Jacob has a point on some things,” Mike interjected.

  Darla gave him a light jab with her elbow and shot him an angry glare.

  “He’s a smart boy,” she said, “but he doesn’t know everything. He doesn’t understand people like Nephi does.”

  “Nephi,” she continued, “your father and I love you just the way you are. Do you know that?”

  “Yes, Mom,” he replied. “I best get going too. I have an early morning.”

  Nephi hugged Darla tightly and then gave Mike a quick side hug before heading out the door and walking home. While he walked, he thought about the conversation with Jacob. He was frustrated and hurt by Jacob’s words but he didn’t really expect more from him. The night had grown dark and the golden leaves on the ground appeared dull in the streetlight. After arriving home, Nephi brushed his teeth, said a prayer, read a chapter from the Book of Mormon, and went to sleep.

  Chapter 6

  Darkness still cloaked the sky when Nephi arrived at work. He didn’t look forward to the coming winter months when he could count the daylight hours outside of work on one hand. Shift change brought a buzz to the office and Nephi smiled at his coworkers as he passed them on the way to his office. After reviewing the nightly reports, he entered Monica’s office.

  “How was last night?” he asked.

  “Same as usual,” she replied. “How was your weekend?”

  “Interesting, to say the least. I’ve been wanting to talk to you. I had a conversation with Mark on Friday after you left and just want to give you a heads up.”

  “I’m listening,” she answered, leaning toward him.

  “I told Mark what a great job I think you are doing, and he said some things that bothered me. Some misogynistic things about women in the workplace and how a lot of BYU grads tend to leave the workplace when their husbands get a better job or when they get pregnant. I just wanted you to know he has these thoughts in his head and that if you ever feel you are being passed over for a promotion or not getting the opportunities you deserve, I have your back. It is probably a good idea to document any interactions you have and talk to a lawyer if you feel the need.”

  “Thanks, Nephi. I wish I could say that I am surprised, but that is common in Utah County. Utah as a whole is dead last in gender pay equality. It’s not right, and I feel like I always need to be perfect and outperform men because the deck is stacked against me. I appreciate the information and the support.”

  “I just thought you should know,” he said. “I’ll let you wrap up and get out of here.”

  He walked the floor, interrupting a long kiss between Angela and Brock to invite them to his office for a discussion. Brock wiped his lips with the back of his hand, rubbing it back and forth to clear the lipstick before grabbing Angela by the hand and following Nephi into his office.

  “Please take a seat,” he offered, as he sat behind the desk. They sat down in the two chairs opposite Nephi’s desk, still holding hands.

  “We have discussed the need to remain discreet in the office,” Nephi said. “Making out on the floor and in the break room is distracting for your coworkers. I am also concerned about your absences. Last month, you both called in sick three times, always on the same day.”

  “We can’t help it if we get sick at the same time. I mean, we are always together, so it makes sense that we are exposed to the same germs,” retorted Brock.

  “Look,” said Nephi, “I like both of you. When you focus, you are among the best agents in the call center, but your performance has slipped lately. Your monitor scores are down and your statistics have regressed across the board. I need to see improvement. This is a verbal warning. The next time we meet, you will receive a written warning. When you are at work, you must focus on work. You can do whatever you like on your own time.”

  “Yes, sir!” said Brock, exaggerating a salute.

  “Angela, I need you to acknowledge that you understand,” said Nephi.

  “I understand,” she said with a nod.

  “Good, now both of you get to work, and please remember to be discreet. Everyone doesn’t need to see you with your tongues in
each other’s throats.”

  Brock and Angela made their way toward the call center floor, hand in hand, while Nephi documented the conversation.

  Even though Utah is an at-will employment state and employers can fire employees at any time for any reason, Nephi had to document all conversations carefully for HR and legal. He hoped that Brock and Angela would take the coaching well and it wouldn’t come to that. The at-will laws stack the deck against employees but don’t prevent them from suing for wrongful termination. While such lawsuits are rare, documentation makes it easier for the company if the occur. Brower required managers to meticulously document any disciplinary action.

  Nephi resumed his daily routine after filing away the verbal warning documents for Brock and Angela. He took a couple of escalation calls and conducted coaching sessions for Millard and Whitney, two relatively new employees with low scores on their last monitor. While making rounds on the floor, Nephi’s phone dinged. He looked down to see a text from Stacy.

  “Taco truck, 20 mins,” it read.

  Fifteen minutes later, Nephi found himself in his truck rumbling down 1600 North toward the taco truck permanently affixed in the parking lot on the corner. It wasn’t much to look at, but the tacos were incredible and the flan, oh, the flan. Nephi didn’t even like flan but this flan was so sweet and fluffy that angels must have made it.

  Nephi recognized Stacy’s beige car in the parking lot with child seats in back. He parked next to her, and she waived as he got out of the truck. “I already have food,” she called through the rolled down passenger window. “Get in.”

  He sat in the front seat while Stacy rolled up the window and handed him a box containing a chicken taco and caramel drizzled flan. Fresh cilantro mixed with salsa and grilled chicken filled the car with a pleasant aroma. Glancing in the back seat, Nephi could see that Wyatt was asleep and Chloe’s smiling mouth was stuffed with a taco.

  “You didn’t answer my call over the weekend and I just needed to see you to make sure you’re okay,” she explained.

  Nephi enjoyed a few bites of his taco before responding, “Thanks. It was a crazy weekend. I spent Saturday morning in the temple praying and getting my head straight. On Sunday, they released me. I bore my testimony, and it felt good. After church I met with Bishop Thompson who took away my temple recommend.”

  “He what?” asked Stacy in disbelief. “No, he wouldn’t…”

  “He certainly did. He wants me to repent and prove that I align with the brethren before I get it back. After I met with him, I went to dinner with my family to break the fast and got into it with Jacob. He wants me to act less gay, but it’s not like I try to act in any certain way, I just am who I am and I don’t understand why I don’t fit anywhere.”

  “Nephi, you do fit. You follow all of God’s commandments better than any other Mormon I know. You are a really, truly good Mormon. I can’t think of anyone who fits better.”

  “But I don’t fit. On Sunday, Brother Hanson asked why I bother coming to church at all. Between the conversation with him and Bishop Thompson taking my temple recommend, it is hard to understand how I fit in. I am struggling with it. I have been doing a lot of thinking this weekend.”

  “You know I love you, don’t you?” asked Stacy.

  “Yes, I know. I’ll always have you and my mother,” he replied.

  “After thinking and praying over the weekend, where is your head?” she asked.

  “Honestly, Stacy, I am frustrated and sad and don’t know quite what to do. What I have been doing is obviously not working. I am ready to shake things up a bit. I am tired of being so lonely all the time. I think I am ready to start dating, but I have no idea how to get started. How do I even meet guys around here?”

  “Good question,” she said. “I’m not an expert and your options might be limited in Utah County. Some of my friends have had good luck with online dating. Maybe you should give it a try.”

  “I’ve thought about it but I don’t really know anything about it. I am totally clueless.”

  “My sister, Cindy, met her boyfriend on the Snuzzle app,” said Stacy as she pulled out her phone and browsed the app store. “It looks like there is a two week free trial. You should download it.”

  Stacy reached over and grabbed Nephi’s phone and handed it back 30 seconds later.

  “There,” she said, “I installed Snuzzle. Set up your profile today and see how you like it. Happy hunting!”

  “Um, thanks?” replied Nephi. “I guess I’ll get my Snuzzle on.”

  They chatted while finishing lunch in Stacy’s car. Nephi took his time and enjoyed every bite of flan. His nerves felt like fire from his heightened anxiety. He didn’t know whether to cry or shout for joy. Managing to swallow the anxiety with the last bit of flan, Nephi leaned over and hugged Stacy. He thanked her for listening and for her suggestions and wondered how he would navigate this new direction. With a blown kiss and a wave to Chloe, Nephi returned to his truck and went back to work.

  The office felt cold, which had nothing to do with the temperature. Nephi hadn’t changed his routine or the interactions with his team, but there was a different dynamic with Mark. The friendly watercooler conversations were absent. The only time Mark acknowledged Nephi was during a meeting. Mark wasn’t outwardly hostile or aggressive toward him, but Nephi sensed hostility just the same, and he didn’t like it.

  Doing his best to ignore the cold wave emanating from Mark’s office, Nephi focused on his work. He told himself if he worked hard and his team’s numbers were good, things with Mark would surely return to normal.

  As shift change drew near, Nephi made the rounds, checking on each agent to make sure they were on task and asking if they needed anything from him. Seeing that everything was good, he wrapped up his work for the day and headed home to hit the treadmill.

  Nephi had a lot going on in his head and in his heart and running always helped him work it out. He bumped the incline to five to get his heart really pumping and allowed his mind to process his thoughts and feelings. The feelings overwhelmed him and he increased the speed to eight in an attempt to shift some emotional burden to the machine. It didn't work. Nephi gradually slowed the treadmill to a halt and sat on the end, head in hands. He had a good cry all alone in the small apartment complex fitness room. Conflict raged inside him. Faith and testimony engrained themselves on Nephi’s heart from a young age. They were part of him, yet they collided with who he was. God created him a gay man, and the church told him that was wrong and unnatural. Try as he might, Nephi could not reconcile the two sides of him and the tears flowed.

  All cried out, Nephi returned to his apartment for a shower before trying to learn what Snuzzle was all about. He opened the internet browser on his phone and searched videos about how to use the app. His search turned up more videos than he could possibly watch. There were reviews, walkthroughs and rants. One video featured a girl rambling on about her ten terrible Snuzzle dates and how they refused to refund her money after three months unlucky in love. The video was horrible but somehow intriguing and he couldn’t look away. By the end, Nephi realized that he would never get that half hour of his life back and decided that his search for ‘Snuzzle’ had returned too much garbage. He tried ‘snuzzle tutorial’ and the results seemed more promising.

  The top video featured a handsome guy in his mid-twenties walking through the Snuzzle account creation process and showed how to identify potential dates. Butterflies churned in Nephi’s stomach at the thought of putting himself out there. He wasn’t sure if the feeling was uneasiness or excitement.

  Following the instructions in the video, Nephi opened the Snuzzle app on his phone and followed the prompts to create an account.

  Name you want others to see: Nephi

  I am a: Male

  I am looking for a: Long term relationship

  With a: Male

  Hair color: Blond

  Eye color: Blue

  Body type: Slender

  Occupatio
n: Call Center Manager

  Education: High School

  Religion: LDS

  Race: Caucasian

  Children: Someday

  Nephi continued completing the long profile, specifying his hobbies, favorite music, and movies. He then described his ideal date and added a bio describing himself as an honest, caring gay Mormon who came out several years ago but has never been in a relationship. He wrapped it up by snapping a selfie for a profile pic. The hard work was done, now the Snuzzle magic could find him a man.

  A host of pictures now flooded his phone screen - all gay men looking for love in Utah. Nephi never knew so many existed. The tutorial video showed that he should swipe right if he was interested in the person and swipe left if he wasn’t interested. Others on the app would do the same when they saw him and before he knew it, he should have a date.

  As Nephi swiped through the parade of pictures, he built a pool of guys he found attractive that he just might hit it off with. He would just to wait to see if any of them had mutual interest. Browsing through profiles, a lot of the descriptions confused him. “Mature bear seeking bears and otters. No pups,” read one profile.

  “What on earth? Is this a dating app or a zoo?” thought Nephi, realizing he knew nothing about the world he was stepping into.

  Ding! A notification lit up Nephi’s phone. “You’ve been snuzzled,” it read. “Snuzzled?” he thought as he continued to read the message. Evan, one guy that Nephi swiped right on, had also swiped him. His mind raced and his heart fluttered in anticipation of a real connection. Although Nephi had come out years ago, he didn’t really have any gay friends. He had built his social structure entirely around church, work, family, and Stacy. Pushing down his nerves, he looked through Evan’s profile. Evan was cute. From his picture he seemed to have an average build. He had dark brown hair that curled in the middle of his forehead. Gorgeous brown eyes and a cleft chin highlighted his handsome face. Nephi was excited.