Nephi's Courage

by Rory McFarlan

  Right before conference, they always showed Music, and the Spoken word – the weekly Tabernacle Choir program. Nephi loved the choir. He often felt the spirit and received inspiration through music. He listened and prepared his heart while he enjoyed the music. Once the choir’s program was complete, it was time for General Conference to begin.

  Familiar organ music played while a man’s voice announced that the General Conference of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints was beginning. The choir sang “We Thank Thee O God for a Prophet,” and the meeting started.

  President James E. Snead, second counselor in the First Presidency, who conducted the Saturday morning session, stood at the pulpit. He announced another song by the choir, “Praise to the Man,” and an opening prayer, after which, the Prophet would address the congregation. Nephi always loved to hear the Prophet speak. The choir sang a lovely rendition of the hymn. The prayer was a bit flowery for Nephi’s taste, but he appreciated the sentiment. Then came time for the Prophet to speak.

  President Maxwell L. Johannson, the President and Prophet at the church made his way to the pulpit. He was an elderly man, ninety-six years-old with snow white hair and intense blue eyes. A cane assisted him as he walked. Despite his age, President Johannson had a sharp mind and strong voice. He welcomed the congregation with a warm smile and announced that six new temples would be built. Nephi always loved to hear about new temples. He wished he had the time and means to visit them all.

  President Johannson spoke about personal revelation. He told the members of the church that if they lived worthy enough to be in tune with the Holy Ghost, God would provide inspiration in their lives through the Spirit. It was a short talk, but powerful. It touched Nephi’s heart as he fervently took notes. He needed direction from God right now and he knew that He would provide it if he prayed with a pure heart and real intent, just like President Johannson said.

  Sister Michelle Blackburn, first counselor in the general Relief Society Presidency spoke next. There is typically one or two token women speakers in each conference session. Nephi loved to hear them speak and wished they gave women more opportunities to speak. He always watched the women’s session since the speakers in that session are mostly women.

  Sister Blackburn spoke about loving our neighbor as ourselves and finding opportunities to serve others. Service and love for others was a topic that Nephi was passionate about and he enjoyed the talk as he took notes.

  The conference session progressed with talks from two members of the quorum of seventy, and two from the quorum of the twelve apostles. Nephi took notes of every talk and felt uplifted. The last speaker of the session was President Michael B. Westover, first counselor in the First Presidency.

  President Westover began his speech talking about love for our fellow man. He shared stories of Jesus showing love to others. Sharing the stories of Christ feeding the multitude, healing the blind man, and blessing the Nephite children. He talked about His love for others and compared it to the way we should treat each other. President Westover then focused his talk specifically on the LGBTQ community. Nephi was glad to hear a leader of the church paying attention to his concerns. He had prayed for this.

  President Westover instructed the members of the church to show kindness, love, and compassion to members of the LGBTQ community. He scolded them for mistreatment of their LGBTQ brothers and sisters and told them to be loving and accepting of everyone. Nephi was beaming as he continued to take notes. He began to tear up as an apostle of the Lord instructed church members to be kind and accepting. As the talk continued, President Westover turned his focus to the Proclamation on the Family.

  “While we must show love and acceptance to all people,” he said, “we cannot allow ourselves to accept their sin. There are many who wish us to declare that because we obey the laws of the land, we will accept those laws even when they are contrary to God’s commandments. God decreed from the beginning of time that marriage is between man and woman. It is not in the power of men who are God’s prophets and apostles to change his eternal law.”

  “While governments may recognize marriage between same-sex couples, such marriages are not recognized by God and those who enter such a marriage are in violation of God’s law of chastity, just like a heterosexual couple who engages in premarital relations. God’s law of chastity is eternal. Marriage between man and woman is also an eternal concept essential to God’s plan. God created his children as male and female with traits and identities according to their gender. No man can change that.”

  “While we must all show love and respect to our LGBTQ brothers and sisters, we cannot accept an ideology that flies in the face of God’s eternal laws. To my LGBTQ brothers and sisters, I want to tell you that God loves you. He wishes you to keep his commandments and return to live with him again. If you keep all of his commandments, including the law of chastity, I can tell you that you will enjoy the same eternal blessings that all God’s children may enjoy.”

  “I must say that I don’t understand how everything will work in the hereafter. I don’t know the exact details of the nature of family relationships after this life for our LGBTQ brothers and sisters, but I know that if you follow God’s commandments, you will be full participants in his blessings. You must trust in the Lord with all your heart as the writer of Proverbs instructs, and lean not unto your own understanding. Follow the commandments and trust in the Lord, brothers and sisters, and you will be blessed.”

  President Westover carried on but Nephi’s note taking trailed off. Deep in thought, tears were streaming down his face, but not for the same reasons as before. It felt like a backhanded compliment, a passive aggressive slap to the face. Doctrine-wise, nothing had changed. The church has maintained for a long time that gay individuals can be in good standing in the church as long as they remain celibate but to start the talk by giving Nephi hope, by scolding church members for their treatment of the LGBTQ community and then to turn it around by giving more fuel to their fire rubbed him the wrong way.

  Nephi knew the church’s position. He understood it. He accepted it and lived by it for years. He had accepted that to return to live with God, he would need to live a lonely, celibate life with no spouse or children. He wished for as long as he could remember that the church would at least recognize his sacrifice. That they would acknowledge that what they ask of the LGBTQ community is a hard thing – that it isn’t fair. No such acknowledgement ever seems to come.

  They offer glimmers of hope. They support measures to prevent discrimination in housing and employment based on sexual orientation, but then they turn around and fight a bill that would ban conversion therapy and fight hard against same-sex marriage, which is the very mechanism by which many rights are secured. There isn’t another mechanism in our society that ensures health care benefits to same-sex partners, or rights of survivorship. Nephi could understand the opposition to religious marriage, but why must it apply to civil union? Why so many mixed messages from church leadership?

  Depressed and confused, Nephi didn’t even listen to the final number by the choir. Instead, he kneeled and prayed. He sought guidance from Heavenly Father, the guidance that President Johannson said that he could receive. He needed it now more than ever.

  After praying, his mind turned to the conversation with Evan last night. He wondered if Evan was right. Could he ever reconcile the two sides of himself? He was Mormon, and he was gay. President Westover’s talk gave him a lot more to think about.

  The train of thought was interrupted by the ring of his phone. He really didn’t feel like talking to anyone. Glancing down, he saw that Stacy was calling and he picked up.

  “Hey, Stace, what’s up?” he asked.

  “I just finished watching the first session of conference and felt like you might need to talk,” she said.

  “Honestly, I’m struggling with it. I mean, nothing he said is new, but every time I hear it, it gets me all over again.”

  “I know. I’m worried abou
t you. You know that I love you no matter what, right?”

  “Of course I do. After my date last night, I just have a lot on my mind.”

  “Wait! What? Date? You never told me you had a date. Tell me everything.”

  “Yeah, I guess I haven’t talked to you since Monday. I met a guy on Snuzzle and went over to his apartment last night. We had planned to watch Netflix and chill but it wasn’t what I expected,” said Nephi.

  Stacy began laughing uncontrollably. Nephi was annoyed at the laughter. “Netflix and chill,” she said. “You had no idea what that meant until last night, did you?” She continued laughing.

  “Ha, ha, ha. Very funny,” said Nephi. “I assumed we would watch a movie and you know, maybe cuddle a little, but he had something else in mind.”

  “You can be so naïve sometimes, Nephi. Maybe if you would get on social media more, you would know about these things. I swear you were born in the wrong decade.”

  “Social media just never appealed to me,” he replied. “I mean, I really don’t get it. Why would I want to know what the bullies from high school had for lunch or where they are spending their fabulous vacations? You know that half the stuff you see on there is exaggerated, and the rest is flat out made up, right?”

  “I know, I know, but you do have to admit that you could have saved yourself some embarrassment if you knew what Netflix and chill meant,” she retorted with amusement in her voice.

  “Well, maybe. I’m still not ready for social media, but I should probably at least run my dates by you before meeting up with anyone else.”

  “You definitely should and we need to talk about basic online safety. You don’t just go over to some random guy’s place without meeting him first. You need to voice verify to make sure you aren’t getting catfished and your first meeting should always be in a public place. Don’t you know anything?” she asked.

  “Apparently not. The more I see lately, the more I understand that I know absolutely nothing. When it comes to dating, that is the honest truth, and apparently it’s the same for the church too. Not to mention being gay. I know nothing.”

  “Well I’m not sure I can help you know anything about being gay, but I’m sure you will figure it out and you have me to help you with dating stuff,” said Stacy.

  “Stace, I don’t know what I would ever do without you,” he said. “Thanks for calling. I feel better already.”

  “Hey, would you like to watch the afternoon session of conference and the women’s session with me and Roger? His famous chili is cooking in the crock pot and I’m making grilled cheese sandwiches. I know you like to watch it alone, but we would love to have you.”

  “I would love to come over. I honestly don’t really feel like watching conference at all right now and seeing you and the kids will give me something to look forward to.”

  “Great!” she said. “We will see you a little before 2:00.”

  “Sound good. I’ll see you then.”

  The short drive to American Fork gave Nephi time to think. He loved the church and believed it to be true and also knew that God created him just the way he was. He believed that God did so for a reason and that a loving God would not exclude so many children from salvation. God must have a plan for him. Trust in the Lord, he thought. That’s good advice. God is the Father of us all. He created each of us the way we are and he loves us.

  Thoughts and questions circled in Nephi’s head until his truck rolled into Stacy’s driveway. She lived in an old red-brick home with one floor at street level and a basement. The fallen leaves from two mature trees in the front yard had blanketed everything in color. A patchwork quilt of orange, red, and gold covered the ground. Nephi made his way onto the porch, opened the screen door and knocked on the wooden front door.

  “Welcome! Come on in,” said Stacy, giving Nephi a hug. He walked through the door which opened directly into the living room. Roger sat in the rocking chair holding Wyatt while Chloe played with princess toys on the floor. When she saw Nephi she ran over to him. He scooped her up and gave her a hug. College football was on TV. Roger was a fanatic. He loved BYU football. Although they don’t play on Conference Saturday, he was keeping tabs on the other teams. Nephi didn’t care for sports. He was reasonably athletic for his size and enjoyed running but watching other people run around a field chasing a ball didn’t appeal to him.

  “Roger, it’s almost time for conference,” said Stacy. “Let’s change to the conference channel.” Roger picked up the remote and reluctantly changed the channel. A church documentary was just ending. It told of the humanitarian efforts of the church in response to a recent hurricane. Nephi looked around the room, noticing that Stacy had just decorated for Halloween. She was a sucker for craft projects. Little wooden ghosts, goblins, and witches adorned the mantle, end tables, and walls. “I love your cute decorations,” he said. “What is this year’s addition?”

  “I’m painting those flower pots,” she said, pointing to a stack of ceramic pots in the corner. “When they are all painted and glued together, they will make an adorable wizard for the front porch. I haven’t had time to finish him yet.”

  “She always has at least one unfinished project,” added Roger. “Sometimes I think she will never finish them.”

  “Just look around, Sweetie,” she said. “I don’t see many of these projects that are unfinished, do you?” That seemed to shut him up. He ignored her and turned up the volume on the TV. Satisfied, she smiled and nodded. The house smelled of chili. Nephi could tell it had been cooking all day. He also noticed a hint of pumpkin spice and realized that Stacy had potpourri boiling on the stove. The house was small, but it was warm, cozy, and full of love.

  Nephi sat on the couch with Stacy next to him. She took a piece of paper from the end table and handed it to Chloe along with a box of crayons. “Chloe, here is your General Conference coloring page. Whenever you hear them discussing a topic, you can color the picture that goes with it,” she explained.

  “I know how to do it, Mommy,” exclaimed Chloe, snatching the paper from her hand. Nephi smiled. Children were so sweet and innocent. He loved spending time with them and the feeling seemed to be mutual. Children were drawn to Nephi.

  Chloe happily colored while the adults watched General Conference. The Saturday afternoon session started with the sustaining of the General Authorities and other officers of the church and featured talks about prayer, the Book of Mormon, faith, fasting, temple work, gratitude, and service. All the speakers were men. Nephi enjoyed the messages even though it was difficult to keep his mind from President Westover’s talk in the morning session.

  After the session, they enjoyed Roger’s chili and grilled cheese sandwiches while Roger watched football. Nephi filled Stacy in on all the juicy details from his date with Evan and spoke to her about his growing concerns about his place in the world in general and his place in the church in particular. Recent events didn’t sit well with him and praying wasn’t bringing him as much peace as it had in the past. He struggled to find contentment in his loneliness.

  “Do you have any new Snuzzle connections?” asked Stacy.

  “I don’t know, I haven’t checked it in a couple of days,” he replied.

  “Can I see your phone?” she asked. He gave it to her. She opened the Snuzzle app and checked his messages. “It looks like you have a connection from a cute guy.”

  “Shut up, I do not,” he protested.

  “I’m not kidding. This one looks promising. After your experience with Evan, you need to be very open about who you are and what you’re looking for and you really should talk to him on the phone before meeting in person.”

  “Don’t worry. I’ve learned my lesson. I definitely won’t go jump right into meeting someone blindly this time. Now give me the phone.” He took the phone from her and looked at the new Snuzzle connection.

  Alex was his name. He was shorter than Nephi, about 5 feet, 7 inches with dark curly hair and deep olive skin. His big brown eyes drew Neph
i in right away and his arms seemed muscular as far as Nephi could tell from the pictures. The smile on his face was inviting.

  “It looks like someone is smitten,” said Stacy, noticing Nephi’s grin. Nephi blushed. “Send him a message,” she prodded. “Get the ball rolling.”

  Nephi decided that he would do just that.“My name is Nephi,” he wrote. “It looks like we have a connection on Snuzzle, and I would like to get to know you better. I am new to this and want to take things slow. I’m not the Netflix and chill kind of guy if you know what that is. I am just a guy who wants to get to know you and see where things go.”

  He handed the phone to Stacy for approval. She read his message and nodded. Nephi hit send. He was excited to hear back. He hoped it would go better than the Evan fiasco. He really just wanted someone to talk to, someone who could relate. He wasn’t sure if it would lead to love, or even if he wanted it to, but he no longer wanted to be lonely. Nephi craved connection on a human level. Stacy was awesome, but she had her own family and he needed more.

  After dinner, Stacy and Nephi watched the women’s session of General Conference in the living room while Stacy fed Wyatt. He was wide awake and ready to play. Roger watched football in the bedroom and Chloe played a game on Stacy’s phone. Every talk in the women’s session was given by a woman except for the last three by the First Presidency. Nephi really enjoyed the session. He spent the last half hour holding little Wyatt, rocking him to sleep in his arms. After he fell asleep, Stacy moved him into the crib.

  After conference, Nephi thanked Stacy and Roger for inviting him, gave everyone hugs, and headed home. Once home, he read scriptures and prayed and then checked his phone before going to bed. No message yet. He really felt something while looking through Alex’s profile and he hoped they would hit it off. He checked Snuzzle every ten minutes until he finally fell asleep.