Nephi's Courage

by Rory McFarlan

  “Our Dear Father in heaven, on this Thanksgiving Day, we are thankful for all of our blessings. We thank thee for this beautiful country in which we live and the freedom that we enjoy. We thank thee for one another and the love we share and we thank thee for this food and for those who prepared it. Please bless that it will do our bodies good and provide us with strength. We thank thee for the opportunity to be together as family and friends. We ask a special blessing on Bradley Hanson at this time. Please bless him that he may recover and be well if it be according to they will. Please bless him with a desire to choose the right and follow thy ways after he recovers and please bless each of us here with a desire to obey all of thy commandments, even if it is hard for us. We thank thee for the gospel and our Savior, Jesus Christ and for our knowledge of the truth. Help us to always remember Him and to follow his ways. In the name of Jesus Christ, Amen.”

  Overall, it was a beautiful prayer, but the passive aggressive undertones were not lost on Nephi, or on Alex. Ammon and Chelsea offered to sit at the smaller table with the children to make room for Nephi and Alex at the big table. While Nephi would have preferred to eat with the children, he was thankful for his brother’s gesture and accepted the offer to eat at the table with his parents and other siblings.

  “As a chef, I am interested to know your opinion on the food,” Darla said to Alex.

  “Ma’am, this is the most delicious bird I have ever tasted and your mashed potatoes are divine. And I’m not just saying that. Everything I have tried is excellent.”

  Satisfied, Darla smiled and continued eating as the meal and the conversation carried on. They discussed Jacob’s job and Tiffany’s pregnancy. The baby was now past due and if it didn’t come on its own by Monday, here obstetrician would induce labor. Enjoying the conversation, Alex leaned over and rested his head against Nephi’s shoulder while Nephi extended his arm around Alex.

  Annoyed, Jacob stood up and shot Nephi a disgusted glare.

  “Why do you always have to throw the gay in my face?” he shouted.

  Alex pulled away and sat up straight in his chair.

  “What are you talking about? I’m not throwing anything in your face or anyone else’s.”

  “You said that you and Alex weren’t a thing the last time we talked, and now you’re snuggling with him at the dinner table?”

  “At the time, we weren’t a thing, but a lot has happened and we’re, well, I’m honestly not sure what we are, but we’re not… not a ‘thing’.”

  “We’re a thing,” countered Alex.

  “We’re a thing? Okay, I guess we’re a thing,” said Nephi.

  “Well, I don’t have to put up with this. They say “love the sinner and hate the sin,” but you make that awfully difficult when you throw around your gayness at the dinner table,” protested Jacob.

  “You cuddle with Camille in front of me all the time. How is this any different? And how can you love the sinner and hate the sin if you think the very essence of who I am is a sin? I don’t see any way you can love me,” said Nephi.

  “It’s completely different. When I cuddle with Camille, it’s totally natural and accepted in the sight of God.”

  “And putting my arm around Alex is what?”

  “It’s… it’s unnatural.”

  “I wish you would understand that God made me this way. It is my nature. It isn’t something I chose, it is just who I am, something I have no control over. How is it unnatural to be who God made me?”

  “You’re impossible, you know that?”

  Darla interrupted them, “That’s enough boys. I will not allow you to ruin Thanksgiving with your arguing. Jacob, sit down. Your brother has been through a lot in the last week and this conversation isn’t healthy.”

  “I will not sit down and I’m not dealing with Nephi’s blatant sin and flouting of God’s law. I’m done! Camille, let’s go. We’re leaving.”

  Jacob abruptly stood and grabbed Camille by the hand pulling her away from the table. They went to the children’s table, picked up Dallin and Crystal and carried them toward the door kicking and screaming.

  “I will not have you set an example of perversion for my children,” said Jacob as they exited through the front door, slamming it closed behind them.

  Their minivan sped away while everyone else sat there, shocked. The silence was broken by Darla who yelled, “Ammon and Chelsea, please bring Sophie in here. Bring your plates. There’s plenty of room at the table. What we need now is some pie.”

  “Mom, I’m sorry,” started Nephi.

  “Nephi, let’s drop this. You have nothing to be sorry for and I will not have this Thanksgiving ruined any more than it already is. Mike, please slice the pie.”

  Mike did as he was told and soon everyone was eating pie and chatting. Sophie’s plate held more whipped cream than pie.

  Holidays always seem to bring out the worst in a family, especially adult siblings. Sometimes sharing a childhood together is the longest they can bear being civil to one another. Once they are adults and no longer fully intimidated by mother’s guilt trips and corrective glare, their claws come out and their true selves are revealed.

  Nephi was sad about the way it ended, and embarrassed that it happened in front of Alex but at least he had given Alex some warning about Jacob’s nature.

  With Jacob gone, the rest of the day was pleasantly peaceful, full of good food and good company.

  After they left, Nephi apologized to Alex for the incident.

  “Don’t worry about it,” he replied. “That’s the best Thanksgiving I have had in as long as I can remember. I love your family and of all the things I’m grateful for, having you in my life is at the top of the list.”

  “Aww, look at you, you sweet man.” Nephi leaned in and kissed him and then gave him a big hug. “I feel the same way. So, we’re a thing, huh?”

  “I didn’t intend for it to happen and truthfully I never thought it would turn into this, but we are definitely a thing.”

  They returned to Nephi’s apartment building where Alex gave Nephi one more kiss before getting in his Prius and heading home. In all, it had been a great day, but he had to work on Friday and needed to get home.

  After he left, Nephi went inside. On his knees, he thanked God for sending Alex into his life and prayed again for Bradley to recover. If anything, Thanksgiving had been eventful. Nephi was thankful for his many blessings and hoped that the future held good things.

  Chapter 18

  Friday morning, Nephi woke up feeling unusually anxious. He finished the steel-cut oats he had made Thanksgiving morning and ran on the treadmill to calm his nerves and then prayed for Bradley’s health. Long overdue for a talk with Stacy, he texted her asking if they could meet for lunch.

  Fully ready for the day, he went to the office. After shift hand-off with Monica, he started daily rounds and monitors. Keeping his mind on work was difficult with his friend still in a coma, but he did his best to have a reasonably productive morning, given the circumstances.

  Stacy returned his text, confirming she was good to meet for lunch. She would wait for him inside the Purple Turtle. When lunch arrived, he quickly headed to their meeting place. Both Chloe and Wyatt were there with Stacy. Wyatt lay in the car seat and sucked on his binky while they ate and talked.

  Nephi went into detail about Bradley, the hunting trip, Thanksgiving, and his budding relationship with Alex. It was a lot to take in. She was so excited for him on the Alex front. If anyone was deserving of a happy relationship, it was Nephi. She was more than angered by the actions of Bradley’s family and those of Jacob at Thanksgiving, and she was heartbroken about Bradley.

  “Don’t you dare go so long without telling me big things ever again,” she scolded. “I love you and I’m here for you through everything. Let me do that.”

  “I’m sorry. Things have been so crazy lately and everything happened so quickly. I have been so busy attending to Bradley and trying to hold it together, that I just didn’t
make the time.”

  She hugged him and told him that everything would be alright. The ringing of Nephi’s phone cut the hug short. It was Sister Hanson. She wanted Nephi to meet her at the hospital right away.

  “I have to get to the hospital,” he said.

  “I’m coming with you,” insisted Stacy.

  Nephi drove toward the hospital while Stacy followed. On the way from the parking lot to the waiting room, he called Mark and let him know there was an emergency and he might not be back in the office.

  Once inside, Sister Hanson approached him while Stacy stared her down with a soul-piercing glare. If she had super powers, it would have burned a hole right through the woman. Sister Hanson reached Nephi and took him by the hand.

  “The hospital called me this morning. They want to talk about Bradley and I thought you should be here. He needs you, and I think I need you too.”

  “What about Brother Hanson?”

  “He refuses to come. He’s not acknowledging Bradley’s existence at the moment.”

  “Okay, I’ll do anything I can for Bradley. Where do we go?”

  “The doctor is waiting for us in a consultation room around the corner.”

  Stacy stayed in waiting room with the kids while Nephi followed Sister Hanson to the room where the doctor waited.

  “Thank you for meeting with me,” she said.

  “We have been constantly monitoring Bradley’s condition, and it has not changed. The machine is breathing for him and he had a strong heartbeat, but there is no brain activity. I’m afraid that the most likely outcome is that he will remain in a persistent vegetative state.”

  Tears began flowing down Nephi’s face as he listened.

  “Are either of you aware of whether Bradley has an advance directive in place?”

  “Not that I’m aware of,” Nephi choked out.

  “I don’t believe so,” replied Sister Hanson.

  “In that case, as his mother, I will leave the decision to you about how to proceed. I strongly believe that his condition will not change. If we turn off the machine, there is a chance that he will breathe on his own for some time, but the most likely outcome is that he will pass away quickly. I want you to think about it for as long as you need and let me know what you would like to do.”

  Sister Hanson lowered her head in thought. Uncomfortable silence permeated the room. She was at a loss for words. She turned to Nephi.

  “What do you think?”

  “Sister Hanson, this has to be your decision. I love Bradley and would give anything to have him back. In this situation, I just can’t, the decision is yours.”

  “I haven’t been a very good mother lately,” she confessed, “When I think of him, I still see my sweet little boy. If you were in his place, what would you want?”

  Nephi considered it carefully before replying, “I wouldn’t want to stay like that forever, lying helpless in bed, unable to move or enjoy life.”

  “I agree,” said Sister Hanson. She turned to the doctor. “Let’s unplug the machine and leave him in the Lord’s hands.”

  “Alright,” said the doctor. “Would you like to say goodbye?”

  “Yes,” replied Nephi. “I want to be with him until the end.”

  “I want to remember him as my sweet little boy,” said Sister Hanson. “I don’t want to see him stuffed with tubes like that.”

  “I understand,” said the doctor while giving Sister Hanson some paperwork to sign.

  She signed the papers and headed out to the waiting room to await the outcome.

  “Please follow me, Nephi,” directed the doctor.

  Nephi followed her into Bradley’s room. He kissed Bradley on the forehead and took his hand.

  “Ready?” asked the doctor.

  Nephi nodded. The doctor turned the breathing machine off and removed the tube from his nose and mouth. Bradley’s chest continued moving up and down for a few moments and then slowed as Nephi observed the numbers on the monitor drop, eventually resting at zero. The machine unleashed a continuous monotone beep before the doctor turned it off. She checked his pulse.

  “He’s gone,” she said. “I’m sorry for your loss.”

  Nephi continued holding his hand as he sobbed. Bradley’s passing devastated him, but he was glad to be there so his friend did not walk into the next life alone.

  “God be with you until we meet again,” he whispered.

  “Whenever you are ready,” said the doctor.

  “I’m ready,” replied Nephi.

  He released Bradley’s hand and gave him one last kiss on the forehead before following the doctor back out to the lobby where she informed Sister Hanson of her son’s passing. A single tear glistened in Sister Hanson’s eye. She shook the doctor’s hand and thanked her for her help and gave Nephi a nod before walking out of the hospital.

  Stacy embraced Nephi as he sobbed on her shoulder.

  “I’m so sorry, Nephi. There aren’t any words.”

  He continued sobbing while she held him. He eventually collected himself.

  “Come to my place,” she suggested. “You shouldn’t be alone right now.”

  “Maybe you’re right,” he agreed.

  He followed her to her house a quarter mile away, having difficulty remaining composed enough to drive. Once at her house, they watched a movie while Chloe colored at his feet and Stacy nursed Wyatt. Not feeling up to cooking, Stacy ordered pizza. Roger was pleased to see dinner waiting when he walked through the door.

  He worked on a slice of pizza and asked Nephi how he was doing. Stacy explained what happened with Bradley. Roger offered his condolences and gave Nephi a hug. Nephi knew that Alex would be working, so he sent a text asking him to call when his shift was over.

  After they had watched a couple of movies, Stacy could see that Nephi was still upset and in no condition to drive so she invited him to spend the night there on the couch. He accepted the offer. After family prayer and scripture study, Nephi gave Chloe a hug and a kiss goodnight and kissed Wyatt on the cheek before they went to bed.

  Stacy and Roger stayed up talking with Nephi until about 10:00 when they headed to bed themselves, leaving him alone in the living room with the TV and his thoughts. Nephi had prayed so hard for a different outcome but it wasn’t in God’s plan. He knew that God always hears prayers. For whatever reason, he had chosen not to answer this one, at least not in the way that Nephi wanted him to. He had to learn to accept God’s will and in this case, it wasn’t easy. He distracted himself with some Bonanza reruns while he waited for Alex to call.

  A little before midnight, his phone rang. It was Alex.

  “Hi Alex.”

  “Hi, am I calling too late?”

  “Not at all, I’ve been waiting for your call.”

  “Is everything okay?”

  “Not really,” he said. “Bradley passed away this afternoon.”

  “Oh, sweetie, I’m so sorry! I don’t even know what to say. How are you holding up?”

  “I’m hanging in there. Stacy was at the hospital with me when it happened so I spent the afternoon with her family and I’m spending the night at their place.”

  “I’m so glad you’re not alone.”

  “Sorry to spring this news on you after work. Are you okay?

  “Bradley was a great guy and I’ll miss him, but I had kind of prepared myself for this outcome. Unfortunately, it’s not the first time I have lost a friend like that.”

  “I’m so sorry. Do you want to talk about any of it?” asked Nephi.

  “Not right now. What can I do for you?”

  “I think I’m okay for tonight. I just wanted to let you know. I would love to see you tomorrow morning, though.”

  “Oh, I would love that. I work in the afternoon, so we can spend more time together if you come to Salt Lake.”

  “No problem. What time do you want me there?”

  “Be at my place around 11:00.”

  “Sound good! I’ll see you then. Bye, baby.”


  “Goodbye.”

  Having spoken to Alex, Nephi drifted off to sleep. Deep sleep provided his mind some time to process his loss. He was distraught, but not to the point where he could not function. Stacy got up early and made Belgian waffles for breakfast. Nephi didn’t feel much like eating but at the insistence of Stacy, he forced down half a waffle and some strawberries.

  He thanked Stacy for everything and went home for a run and a shower before seeing Alex. Clean and refreshed, he felt he could move forward. The truck was nearly out of fuel so he made a quick pit stop on his way to Alex’s apartment.

  Alex opened the door and gave Nephi a tender hug and a sympathetic smile. To this point, they spent most of their time together in Utah County and this was Nephi’s first time inside Alex’s apartment. The front door opened into the space between the living room and kitchen where the dining table sat, with the living room to the left and the kitchen to the right. Bookshelves lined the living room walls in a zig-zag pattern which intrigued Nephi. He had never even considered that anything but straight bookshelves existed.

  He noted that most of them were cookbooks with a spattering of historical fiction, biographies, and thrillers mixed in. In the corner was a functioning traffic light with the green circle illuminated. A sectional sofa lined the wall opposite a large flat screen TV. The coffee table was made from wooden planks supported by wagon wheels.

  “Pardon me while I stand here and fawn over your decorations,” stated Nephi as he gazed around the room.

  “I’m glad you like it. Have a seat. Can I get you anything to drink?”

  “I’m good for now, thanks,” replied Nephi, taking a seat on the sofa.

  Nephi noticed that Alex was wearing a black hoodie that said “Amsterdam” on it with a dragon crest. He complimented Alex and let him know how much he liked it.

  “Oh, thanks,” said Alex. “I got it on my trip to Amsterdam. It’s my favorite hoodie. A bit big for me, but very comfortable.”

  “I love it! When did you go to Amsterdam?”