Mother Be The Judge

by O'Brien, Sally

  Into the third week of Jocasta's month long holiday and Avram took Jocasta to a beach called Agios Ioannis after work. The sun was setting as they sat on the pebbled and sandy beach, Avram pointed out the island of Delos in the distance and explained that the beach they were on was the beach where Shirley Valentine had been filmed and it was one of the places in the world where the sun is brighter than anywhere else.

  "Just like my love for you." He said, "Brighter than the love I have ever felt for anyone else."

  Jocasta's breath caught in her throat. When he had looked deep into her eyes and uttered the words Jocasta had never hoped to hear, she was overcome with emotion and cried tears of joy.

  "Hey Jocasta, don't cry," Avram said, taking her in his arms. He began to kiss her and they lay in the sand for a long time kissing and touching each other until the sun went down. As the darkness came upon them Avram became more passionate in his kissing and began to pull at Jocasta's skirt. Jocasta knew this was probably the moment when her virginity was going to be taken and she pulled out of Avram's embrace when a strong fear arose in her.

  "What's the matter Jocasta, don't you want to?" Avram asked disappointedly. "It's time, yes? Come on."

  "I," Jocasta didn't know how to tell Avram that she was a virgin. "I've never done this before." She breathed. Avram gave a low chuckle.

  "Well I have," he assured her. "Don't you worry Shirley, leave it all to me." He said then began to reach for her once more.

  Jocasta realised this was her make or break decision. If she walked away now she would probably never see Avram again.

  "But... what if I'm not good at.... it?" she asked him to more laughter.

  "Jocasta, you don't need to be good at anything, that's my job." They began to kiss once again and she allowed herself to go with whatever Avram wanted. He pulled her skirt and underwear away from her and began to touch her labia, pushing at them with his fingers to reach her vagina underneath. Jocasta could only wonder at whether she had done a good enough job with her bikini line and whether Avram would think she was too hairy or her vagina was the wrong shape or size. She was grateful it was dark and she couldn't see his face; or him hers. Suddenly Avram pulled away from her and began to pull Jocasta up off the sand.

  "What's the matter?" she asked him, 'there's something wrong with me'; she thought.

  "Nothing," his voice was lower and more gravelly, "I just like it this way." He told her. He placed her on her hands and knees and pushed her head down towards the sand. She was almost taking in a mouthful of sand when she felt a sharp pain in her vagina. Jocasta bit her finger so as not to call out as she didn't want Avram to know that he had hurt her. He continued to pound into her, knocking her head into the sand until finally he gave a loud sigh and stopped. Avram moved away from Jocasta leaving her in the sand with her arse up in the air. She didn't know if she was expected to move so just stayed in that position as Avram began to get dressed. He looked at her in amusement.

  "You can get up now Jocasta." He said. She pushed herself onto her knees and took the skirt and underwear from the sand beside her then got dressed.

  "How was that?" Avram asked

  "Amazing," Jocasta said. She wanted to please Avram and didn't think her real answer of "Unexpected and painful," would make him feel good about his sexual prowess. Having learnt what sex was all about Jocasta was pleased that she didn't have any chance of a repeat performance when she got back to England. If that was what love was about, they could keep it.

  "Come on, I have to go." Avram said, he got up from the sand and began to walk away, ignoring the hand Jocasta had offered for help from the ground. She followed him quietly, feeling a growing sense that Avram maybe didn't like her as much as he had been professing over the last few days.

  "Avram," she called after him.

  "Yes my darling?" Avram called back without looking.

  "What's the matter, was I ok?" she asked.

  "Yes, fine." He replied then turned back to wait for her. "Listen I have to work tomorrow but you can come to the restaurant, we can go shopping in my break yes?"

  "Shopping?" she asked him, Jocasta couldn't think of anything else Avram could possibly want; she had already spent so much money on him.

  "Yes, I really need some new shoes." He said, "Maybe I buy something nice for you, yes?" he reached out to stroke her hair then gently planted a kiss on her face. Jocasta found herself blushing, to kiss her like that he must love her, she was just being silly thinking she was being used.

  "Yes ok Avram, I will see you tomorrow. How are we getting back?" she wondered.

  "Oh I have to go and see some family in the hills so I can't go back with you, but you can get a taxi from over there." Avram pointed out a line of cars on the road in the distance.

  "Sorry Jocasta but I really have to go." He said then kissed her once more before walking quickly away.

  Jocasta walked towards the taxi rank, once more alone but she had a hot feeling in her vagina where Avram had been and it throbbed as she walked. It may not have been the way she had read it in books - rolling on a sea of hot emotion, climaxing together, transported into a world of love - but it had still happened; she was no longer a virgin, somebody loved her and that was good enough for her.

  -x-

  Avram had introduced Jocasta to a sex life where she accepted roughness as passion and friendship as foreplay. She decided the clitoris was a thing of fiction as it never did anything for her and Avram paid it no attention; he took her whenever or wherever the feeling came over him, often from behind and in silence. Jocasta was so enamoured by Avram that she acquiesced to his sexual urges, but knew sex was not something she would miss when she returned home.

  The month went by so fast and she had loved every day. As the third week ended and the fourth week began, Avram had cooled in his affections towards her. Jocasta's now dwindling pot of money prevented them from shopping and she was no longer able to bestow gifts of clothes and aftershave upon him. She had nothing more to offer Avram other than herself and she could see he had shifted his focus onto new arrivals to the restaurant, rather than on soon to be departed Jocasta.

  It hadn't mattered; it was only ever going to be her one wild moment of her life. Jocasta was pleased her holiday had brought her love, even if it was momentary; she was happy to return to her boring safe life and was looking forward to returning to her work. Jocasta wondered if the other girls who worked in the surgery would notice her glow or suspect the loss of her virginity; she knew that was highly unlikely as they would probably continue to ignore her. She consoled herself with the fact that she would know and would always have her memories of Avram even if she had no one to share those memories with.

  -x-

  The seatbelt signs went off and Jocasta stood up to collect her overhead baggage, only to find herself stumble as she was overcome by dizziness and nausea. She hoped she hadn't caught a bug; that was not the memory she wanted to end this holiday of a lifetime on.

  Chapter 3

  'The moment a child is born the mother is also born. She never existed before. The woman existed but the mother, never. A mother is something absolutely new."

  Rajneesh

  19 August 1990

  "Ok, I can see the head; just one more push when I say."

  The midwife looked up at Jocasta who was silently praying that this final push was actually the one which was going to bring her little boy out into the world. What a nine months it had been; after realising that the 'bug' she had picked up in Greece was going on for a bit too long and that her period had never come on its allocated date, Jocasta was shocked but delighted to find that she was pregnant.

  Although it had never been her intention to bring back this kind of souvenir, actually Jocasta realised that this was what she had been longing for all her life. A little person of her own, a family member; someone who would love her as much as she wanted to be loved and someone whom she could love back.

  The next nine months were a time
of wonder and amazement, reading books about how the little fellow was growing. Parenting manuals, ante-natal classes, yoga, shopping and decorating the nursery in her two bedroomed flat consumed her time. Jocasta had never been so busy. She went from being a bored, lonely workaholic into a busy workaholic who was soon to never be lonely again.

  Watching her body changing was astounding. Every day Jocasta looked at herself in the mirror. She was nothing to look at; she knew that; mousy brown hair always in a ponytail pulled severely off her face. Dark brown eyes under hooded eyebrows which were tirelessly fighting to become one, full nose and thin lips and quite a thick chin, even Jocasta didn't find herself attractive. Her body was much the same as her face; hairy and thick, small where it shouldn't be and large everywhere else. As the months went on her body blossomed, breasts grew and the largeness of her stomach now seemed right as there was a reason for the ever present bump.

  "Aaaah, please, please let this be the one." Her fanny actually felt as if it was being pushed off of her body, she wanted to reach down and hold onto it to stop it falling off. "Please, is he coming?"

  "Yes, yes, don't worry, his head is coming out, just pant a little bit for me Jocasta, there's a good girl."

  "Pant, what do you mean pant?" The notion seemed ridiculous to Jocasta, even though she had heard it in the ante-natal classes the reality of the situation didn't come close and panting was the last thing on this earth that she felt she could do.

  "Just little shallow breaths, we don't want him to come out too fast, you're doing really well Jocasta, keep it up."

  Well it's not like she could actually stop doing what she was doing was it? This whole scenario seemed as though it was happening to somebody else and Jocasta suddenly found it hilarious bursting out into uncontrolled laughter.

  "That's great panting, keep it up," the midwife stated, "Here he comes, one final push."

  Suddenly just when Jocasta thought that she was going to be the first woman ever to explode giving birth, there was an immense feeling of release from her vagina, a tidal wave of water and body parts landed on the bed in front of her and then a little mew of sound from her son. Her son, he was here.

  The midwife quickly grabbed the baby and put him onto Jocasta's belly, he felt hot and slippery and looked like he had just been daubed in a tub of grease but oh my, here he was, Adrian, a name she found in a book of Greek boys' names and instantly fell in love with.

  "Congratulations, he's lovely," smiled the midwife.

  "Thank you, yes he is lovely. Thank you."

  Adrian was taken away whilst Jocasta was washed and stitched, then helped to sit up so she could give him his first feed. Suddenly there was the sound of a panic alarm and what Jocasta thought must be a doctor ran into the room; going straight to Adrian. Jocasta realised there must be a problem. She felt a large lump rise in her throat and the urge to scream overtook her,

  "What's wrong?" she cried, "What's wrong?"

  Once again in her life she was being ignored, all eyes were on the small baby lying in the cot. She couldn't see if his chest was rising, he was very quiet but still a nice colour she thought. He couldn't be dead could he? Why wouldn't anyone tell her what was going on? She heard Adrian give a little cry again which appeased her worrying, she knew that he was alive at least, but she didn't think it was normal for a baby to need so much attention from doctors when it was born.

  "Please tell me, what the matter is?" she asked once again.

  "Your baby has a strangulated testicle," the doctor said to her. "It's causing a problem in his groin area and we need to act fast to stop the problem. Don't worry, once he has had a small operation he will be absolutely fine. We just need your consent to take him away and get it sorted."

  A clipboard was shoved under her face and Jocasta signed it without reading it; she wouldn't have been able to take it all in as she was so worried.

  "Please make him ok." She said.

  "Don't worry, it's a very quick operation, he will be fine."

  -x-

  Jocasta was so tired from her long labour that even the worry of Adrian's operation couldn't stop her body from shutting down. She lay back, closed her eyes and instantaneously fell asleep. She was awoken by the midwife just an hour later and Jocasta found Adrian was back at her bedside in his plastic crib, dressed in one of the yellow baby grows she had bought him. He wasn't ready to feed yet as they still needed to monitor him after the anaesthetic; she had expressed milk for him which she was asked to put down a tube in his nose. It didn't feel right that she should just be holding a syringe in the air and watching milk flow down a tube into a baby, how was she meant to bond with a syringe?

  It was hard for Jocasta to now feel like a mother. She was sore, tired, shocked and worried about Adrian. No book or class had prepared her for this feeling of emptiness now that Adrian had left her womb; she missed his presence there and couldn't equate the bump with the baby. What was she supposed to do now? Who was going to come and tell her how to look after Adrian? When was he supposed to be fed? How did she actually change a nappy when there was a living breathing soul inside it? What if he didn't like her? What if he saw her as the boring, ugly, ignorable person that everyone else in this world seemed to? What had she done? This was not the picture Jocasta had put in her mind for the time after the birth. She had visualised sitting on the hospital bed cooing over her bundle of joy swaddled in his blue blanket and him smiling - wind - up at her. She was going to take him home and put him in his crib and then they would live happily ever after. It was shocking to Jocasta that the reality was a sick baby, an extremely battered body and an overwhelming sense of fear.

  -x-

  After spending the next two hours waiting for a nurse, midwife, anyone, to come and take Adrian away or tell her what to do with him; Adrian woke up. He made an almost catlike sound and then his little arms began to stretch out whilst his head went back. Jocasta peered into the crib and saw Adrian's eyes for the first time, they were very dark, colourless, shiny orbs, moving independently of each other; Jocasta thought they were the most beautiful eyes she had ever seen. She reached in and picked him up as she couldn't wait any longer for somebody to tell her what to do. Instinctively bringing him into her body she looked down onto this child she had waited for, for so long. Love engulfed her; she could actually feel its warming presence begin somewhere at the top of her head and start to envelope her. Jocasta opened her eyes as wide as she could so she could drink in the very sight of this child, her child, her son. She couldn't say that he would be beautiful to others, in fact he was downright ugly in a baby sort of way; but he was hers and to her he was precious and beautiful. There was no one else anywhere in the universe that had an interest in looking after this child, no one who would love him like she could, no one who would show him the world and all its delights. Jocasta realised that this was the bond everyone speaks about. It had taken so long to happen that Jocasta was starting to question herself, but now here it was in full force. She never wanted to put Adrian down, never wanted to lose the warmth and the heaviness of his body. He was here, she had done it and she was a mother.

  Chapter 4

  'There is only one pretty child in the world and every mother has it.'

  Chinese proverb

  5 September 1994

  "Adrian it's time to get up; come on." Jocasta stopped dead as she entered Arian's bedroom. He was already out of bed and was studying what looked like the remains of a dead kitten on his bed.

  "Adrian, what are you doing with that?" she asked him, rushing over to his bed to pull him away from it. The kitten had blood coming from around its mouth and one of its eyes was now lying on the bed, still attached by its vein to the socket. Jocasta held her mouth and tried to avert her eyes so she wouldn't be sick at the sight of it.

  "I found it mummy." Adrian told her and reached out for the kitten, she pulled him further back and took him out of the bedroom into the kitchen where she could find a black bag to put the kitten in.


  "Where did you find it?" she asked him; Adrian was only four years old and restricted to the outside communal landing for playtime, she couldn't imagine where he could have found a dead cat out there.

  "It was in the landing so I brought it in." Adrian told her.

  "You found a dead cat outside?" she asked.

  "Well he wasn't dead when I found him." Adrian said looking at the floor. Jocasta was confused, how did he find a live kitten in the hallway and then somehow it became dead in his bedroom with its eye hanging out.

  "Well what happened Adrian?" she asked, "How did the cat die?"

  Adrian did not reply, instead choosing to look at the floor. He would not lift his head and look at Jocasta, she realised he must have done something wrong. Jocasta got onto her knees so that their faces were level and took his chin in her hand, lifting his face so that he had to make eye contact with her; even in these shocking circumstances she couldn't help but feel her heart melt as she looked into his beautiful eyes.

  "Adrian, mummy is not going to be cross but you need to tell me what happened ok?"

  Adrian started to sob, "I'm sorry mummy, I didn't mean it; I just wanted to play with it."

  He reached out his arms for her and her heart melted even more; she took him into her embrace and held him for a short while. Jocasta believed that Adrian must have had an accident with the kitten whilst he was trying to play. It was her fault for never having introduced him to animals before and showing him how to be gentle with them. Jocasta chided herself for not being a better parent. She brought Adrian out of her embrace to face him again.

  "Look Adrian, it doesn't matter, it was a mistake. But you mustn't bring animals into the house ok?"

  "Yes mummy."

  "And you must always be gentle with them ok?"

  "Yes mummy."

  "Now how about I take you to the farm on Saturday?" Jocasta asked. Adrian's face lit up and he said, "Yeah."