Mother Be The Judge

by O'Brien, Sally

  "Yes Mrs Brown?"

  "It's Miss Brown you jumped up prick." Jocasta almost ran out of the door, she could feel her face getting hotter as she walked and knew it must be bright red. Although out of character for her to swear at anyone, Jocasta felt good; it felt right to defend her child.

  She went straight to the classroom she had seen Adrian standing in. Looking through the door she saw that indeed it had been Adrian and he was still standing where she had last seen him, sullenly looking at the class before him, not apparently taking part in the school day that played out before him. Jocasta opened the door and walked in, all the children stopped talking and the teacher also looked up at her as she entered. Jocasta walked over to Adrian, took him gently by the hand and walked him out of the classroom without a word. She led him back along the furnace of a hallway, out into the reception area and then out of the school without a backwards glance. Adrian's smile only grew bigger with every step that put space between him and the school he hated so much.

  Chapter 6

  'Being a mother is learning about the strengths you didn't know you had and dealing with fears you didn't know existed.'

  Linda Wooten.

  December 2000

  6am

  Jocasta woke before her alarm had a chance to wake her. Having given Adrian the biggest bedroom - well he had so much more stuff in the house - she rose from her single bed. The 'value' sheet she had purchased from Big Value had once again pinged its way off the corners of her bed. Jocasta carried out her morning ritual dance around her mattress, pulling at the corners of the elasticated sheet until finally managing to fit them onto the rectangle of sponge and spring at her knees. She laid her quilt carefully and plumped her two pillows up at the head of her bed before putting on her slippers and making her way to the bathroom.

  Turning on the shower, Jocasta noticed the ever present blackness on the grout between the once gleaming tiles. No amount of cleaning can compensate for wear and tear, and because Jocasta spent all her benefits on the things which Adrian required it didn't leave a lot for renovation. She let loose a sigh and allowed herself a moment to assess her face in the mirror.

  The mirror and tiles weren't the only things showing signs of wear and tear; Jocasta's face peered back at her through the mirror. Now 37 years old, she was aware she was no longer young and that middle-age was creeping up on her. Her once brown hair was now mostly grey; not such a loss, brown was hardly a colour to cling to. The same dark brown eyes stared back under the now wrinkling hoods and the unibrow had won the fight against hair removal long ago, Jocasta having realised that the only person who cared was her and actually she didn't mind it really. She wondered if her parents had the same feature on their face. If her mother could ever recover from her ordeal to accept her - even if Jocasta did look like her rapist father - then perhaps they could reunite and she would find out. Considering her age, she knew it was possible that both her parents were now dead and she may never have the relationship she used to dream of; her mother turning up at her door with her arms open wide waiting to embrace the daughter she could now accept as time had healed her wounds.

  Jocasta thought she actually looked better with a bit of age on her, almost as if she had grown into her face. She knew her body was back to being the lumpy potato; days spent waiting for Adrian to come home had made her reach for the biscuit jar regularly, but she felt her age meant that it was ok to be a bit bigger around the middle. There was no one to ask an opinion of so she would keep her own counsel and accept her self-assessed compliment.

  Jocasta had spent far too much time gawping at herself in the mirror; she jumped in the shower and quickly scrabbled at her hair with shampoo, allowing the soapy water to cleanse the rest of her body. She needed to hurry, it was nearly time to get Adrian up for school and sort his breakfast out. He was ten now but Jocasta still liked to help him get dressed in the morning, she knew her role on this earth and that was to be a mother to her son.

  -x-

  7am.

  Jocasta walked into Adrian's room. She knew he didn't like the light being switched on as it hurt his eyes so Jocasta walked to the Scooby Doo curtains and pulled them open for him. "Good morning sleepy head," she said and turned to tickle Adrian's foot which was poking out from the quilt at the side of his bed. Immediately she knew that something wasn't right, Adrian's foot felt slick with sweat and hot to touch.

  "Adrian, are you alright my darling?" She pulled down the quilt to find Adrian's hair also wet with sweat. Heat emanated from his whole body, it was a tangible extra layer on his skin.

  "Adrian?"

  "Mummy I don't feel well."

  "I know darling, where does it hurt?"

  "I don't know; down here," he said, indicating to his lower stomach by rubbing at the bottom of his belly. "I think it's my willy." He was lying on his side in a foetal position, pulling his legs up and rocking as if to relieve a pain.

  "Your..." what? That didn't sound like a plausible place for Adrian to have a problem. "Let me see Adrian, let mummy see where it hurts."

  Adrian rolled onto his back and weakly pulled at his pyjama bottoms. Jocasta could see how weak he was and realised this was no time to afford Adrian his privacy. She grabbed at his pyjamas and hurriedly pulled them down. Adrian's testicles were swollen; they were turning black as Jocasta looked at them. She held onto a scream, not wanting to scare Adrian.

  "Ok Adrian, we need to take you to the hospital."

  "Why mummy?" he began to whimper, "What's wrong, why does it hurt?"

  "It's going to be ok, they are just a little bit sore and are making you ill darling, I am going to get you some medicine and call an ambulance, you would like a ride in an ambulance wouldn't you?" Jocasta was sure that had Adrian been feeling better he would have protested at the very notion of medicine considering his ability to projectile vomit at the first hint of it, but his quiet acquiescence made her realise this was bad and Adrian desperately needed help. She rushed to make the phone call which would save her baby's life then retrieved the medicine from the cupboard in the bathroom and returned to Adrian's side, pouring the medicine into a spoon, her shaking hands causing more of it to fall on the floor than remain on the metal disc.

  Jocasta climbed into the divan bed which had Scooby Doo sheets to match the curtains and the rug on the bedroom floor. She brought Adrian towards her and sat him up as much as she could, stuffing pillows and teddies behind him to prop him up. "Here Adrian, take this." She said as she offered him a spoonful of the pink sticky mixture. She had to push the spoon into his mouth as Adrian hardly seemed to be able to move. His body was actually burning the very parts of skin which Jocasta was touching him with, she realised she would have to let go of Adrian as her embrace would only make him hotter.

  -x-

  An image of Adrian's funeral played itself in Jocasta's mind as she sat and waited for what seemed like forever. She wouldn't let the funeral parlour dress him, she would do it herself. Jocasta imagined going into the mortuary with Adrian's favourite clothes, no, not clothes, his pyjamas; he was going to sleep for a very long time. She imagined going to the table where he lay and seeing him before her, perfect in her eyes and again she felt the warm enveloping love his appearance evoked in her. Jocasta reaches out to touch her son and he feels hard and cold. Not the warm squidgy loveliness of Adrian but the frozen shell of what he used to be. Despair and a feeling of complete loss makes its way from Jocasta's stomach and works its way up her body causing her to catch her breath. She feels her face beginning to tighten and her eyes to well up. "Stop." She told herself and shook her head to rid the image from her mind.

  Looking down on her not dead, still with the living son, she focused on keeping him cool and grabbed a book from his overflowing toy shelves to begin fanning him with.

  -x-

  A knock on the front door spurred Jocasta into action; she ran to open the door and was met by two men in green. Jocasta let in the two men, who came through the door nonchalant
ly.

  "Hello, what's the problem; we got a call about a child with a temperature?"

  Jocasta, even though realising it was a very important factor in Adrian's illness, had not been able to tell the operator about Adrian's testicles; she just could not bring herself to mention it to a stranger over the telephone.

  "Yes," she said, "But he also has another problem I need to show you." She led the paramedics to Adrian's room. He still lay on the bed, now naked as Jocasta had been trying to keep him cool. When the first paramedic entered the room and saw Adrian his whole demeanour changed. This wasn't a run of the mill child with a temperature, this was something much worse.

  "Get the bed Tony; we need to get him back to A&E quick." As he said this the paramedic was already picking Adrian up in his arms and moving him out of the flat. "Ma'am we need to get your son to the hospital as soon as possible, please come along with me." As he was saying this, he grabbed Adrian in his arms and walked out of the front door, Jocasta followed, forgetting to collect her belongings as she left and only just managing to remember her door keys so she could let herself back into the flat on her return home. She just hoped that she would be bringing Adrian back with her.

  -x-

  Jocasta sat, stood and paced in the hospital waiting room, she knew it was twenty steps from one side of the room to the other, there were fifteen blue plastic chairs and they were screwed into the floor. She also knew that it hadn't been cleaned in some time as dust bunnies played amongst the legs of the chairs as she caused a breeze with her constant pacing. Jocasta remembered when Adrian was born here at West London hospital, how he seemed to be dealt with so quickly and returned to her, problem solved. Not this time, this wait seemed to go on forever and was interspersed with terrible recurring images of Adrian cold and dead on the mortuary slab. Jocasta had never felt such terrible grief; it was painful and felt as if claws were tearing at the very heart of her.

  Just when she felt she could take no more, the doctor came through the waiting room door.

  "Mrs Brown."

  "It's Miss."

  "Sorry, Miss Brown, Adrian is going to be fine."

  "Oh thank god," the rush of relief was giddying in its intensity.

  "Yes he will be fine, health wise, but I am afraid I need to discuss his operation with you, please sit down."

  They both sat in the cold blue chairs of the hostile waiting room and Jocasta learned that Adrian's testicles had to be removed; the medical term was 'Testicular Torsion', they had strangulated once again and could not be rescued this time. It was necessary, if his life was to be saved, to remove them. She was told Adrian should be able to have a normal sex life when he was older but obviously could never have children. He would need testosterone injections as he reached puberty and beyond and when he reached adulthood they could implant silicone testicles so his appearance was 'normal'.

  "Well that's alright then isn't it?" Jocasta used her sarcasm often as a defence. Actually she thought it was alright. Adrian didn't need to have children when he was older. He had her, they had each other, she would love him no matter what. Everything was going to be fine.

  Chapter 7

  'All women become like their mothers; that is their tragedy.

  No man does; that's his.'

  Oscar Wilde, The importance of being Earnest, 1895.

  October 2003

  Adrian had recovered well from his operation with no emotional scars as far as Jocasta could tell. He continued to be educated in the special needs school which was tucked away in Bustle Corner, Elisworth. You wouldn't know it was there unless you had a child in the school, there were no signs to advertise that this was a place the undesirables were educated.

  The school seemed to understand Adrian's needs; he had been diagnosed with Attention Deficit Disorder but Jocasta was still of the belief that it was the Education board's way of ensuring Adrian would not be allowed back into mainstream education. She believed that calling Mr Cross a prick had been a huge mistake and he had obviously planted his poison wherever was necessary due to his bitterness towards her.

  No matter, Adrian seemed happy where he was. He was not the brightest child; Jocasta knew that; she was no Einstein herself. This didn't worry her; she was managing perfectly well on benefits. Her rent was paid, her house was clean and they had food in their bellies. Holidays only led to trouble; she was a good example of that, so daytrips to the park, free museums and walks around London were holiday enough for them. If Jocasta could support both of them on her benefits then Adrian would easily cope when he left school. It's not as if he had to leave home, Jocasta was prepared to look after him for all of her living days.

  -x-

  10:22am

  The cheap mobile phone Jocasta had purchased from the local supermarket interrupted her daydreaming. It rang with the tone it had been programmed with as Jocasta did not have the internet or any desire to 'download' a new tune onto her phone. She looked at the phone and pressed the button Adrian had shown her she would need to press if the phone ever rang.

  "Hello?" she enquired in her best phone voice.

  "Hello Mrs Brown?"

  Jocasta winced at the mistake but decided not to correct the caller.

  "Yes."

  "My name is PC Judd calling from Olinsbury Police Station."

  Adrian was safely in school so Jocasta knew the call could not be about him. Living on the Fern Bridge it would be no surprise to her if this was another courtesy call advising her to keep her doors and windows secure at night.

  "We need you to come to the police station please Mrs Brown; we have your son Adrian in custody."

  "In custody, why, what has happened?"

  "It's best if we speak about it when you arrive at the station Mrs Brown."

  "It's Miss Brown and please, tell me what's wrong? At least tell me if he's alright, has he been fighting?"

  "No Miss Brown, not fighting, all I can tell you is it's been alleged he has assaulted a young girl. As he's only thirteen we can't progress with any legal matters until he has an appropriate adult with him. Can you read and write Miss Brown?"

  "What sort of question is that, of course I can read and write."

  "You would be surprised how many people can't." PC Judd paused, Jocasta thought he may want her to react to that statement in a jocular fashion but she did not find it funny so remained silent. "When can we expect you at the station?" PC Judd enquired.

  "I can be there in half an hour, but I have to catch the H24. If it's late then I will be longer."

  "Ok no problem, in order to save time and reduce Adrian's waiting time, may I ask, do you want us to call a duty solicitor for you or do you have one of your own?"

  "Why on earth would I have my own solicitor? I'm not a criminal PC Judd."

  "Just doing my job Miss Brown, I'll call you a duty solicitor shall I?"

  "Will he need one?"

  "It's his right to have one and considering his young age and the seriousness of the offence it would be advisable."

  "Fine, then yes please phone one for him. I will be there as soon as I can."

  "Thank you, bye."

  "Bye." Jocasta fumbled with her mobile phone, not sure if she had pressed the right button to finish the call but there was no sound coming from the earpiece so she assumed she'd got it right. She could feel the beginnings of a headache making its way up her temples. This could not be happening again surely?

  A young girl assaulted by her son?

  Serious enough for the police to be called and with no prior warning from the school either; it surprised her that they hadn't contacted her first, surely anything that had happened could have been dealt with in the head master's office?

  Dazed and confused Jocasta went through her usual motions of leaving the flat; she turned off the television, retrieved her coat and her handbag, made sure all the doors were closed in the flat in case of fire and then went out through the front door, double locking the door as she left. She went down the two flights
of stairs and out into the car park, through the children's playground, then walked around to the bus stop on Summervale Road. All the time she was doing this she was thinking, 'Not Adrian, not again, why do they hate him so much? Fucking people, why can't they just leave us alone?' Nothing in her mind made her believe that Adrian was capable of assaulting anybody; he was a sweet and gentle child, persecuted because his face wasn't handsome and his mother wasn't pretty or socially acceptable.

  -x-

  11:05 am

  Jocasta arrived at Olinsbury police station. Although she had walked past it many times whilst shopping in the area and had a quick glance through the window; Jocasta had never actually been inside a police station before. She walked laboriously up the ten or so steps wishing she had made the longer journey up the cement slope which snaked its way up to the door alongside the stairs. Now short of breath and perspiring Jocasta felt she looked a wreck where she had wanted to march into the station calm and dignified. Thankfully the reception area was quiet and Jocasta walked up to the counter, presenting herself in front of the bored looking Asian officer who lounged on a chair, feet up on the desk. When the officer saw Jocasta he removed his feet from the desk slowly and greeted her with a sigh.

  "Yes madam, what can I do for you?" he asked.

  "I'm here to see my son." Jocasta stated.

  "Has he been arrested?" The officer enquired.

  Feeling a bubble of shame creep inside her, Jocasta meekly confirmed that her baby boy had been arrested.

  "Well I'm afraid they're not ready for you yet madam, you are his mother I presume?"

  "Yes."

  "Name please?"

  "Miss Brown."

  "Miss Brown." The officer's face was screaming 'typical' at Jocasta only adding to her shame. This was probably one of the only times in Jocasta's life where she wished she did have a husband who could come and support her, she felt bad that Adrian was being tarred with a brush that she could not clean. Having no response to his gesture and not knowing what to do next, Jocasta stood meekly waiting for the officer to lead her.