“I’m not mad at you Jax, and I’m not mad at Sam.”
He releases a deep breath that I didn’t realize he was holding; and looks so relieved.
He grabs my hand in his and says, “I’m so sorry.”
I’m not sure what he’s sorry about? Is he sorry for dating me? Sorry for not telling me he used to be in love with Sam; (or he’s still in love with Sam)? Or is he sorry for choosing to save Sam (instead of me) over and over again?
“For what, exactly?” I whisper. I’m not sure I want to know the answer.
“Probably everything that just ran through that mind of yours, Lucy… you are absolutely beautiful inside and out; I never meant to hurt you.”
I just stare at him, I know there’s more and he needs to tell me.
“Thank you. Why don’t you start at the beginning?”
He puts his head in his hands and stays there for a few minutes. I remain silent letting him start whenever he’s ready.
He tells me about meeting Sam around the age of 12 and instantly finding a connection with her. They were both thrown into the world of modeling and left to raise themselves. I’ve heard this part before so it’s nothing new. I’m glad they had each other because that lifestyle sounds sort of awful. I have a feeling I’m hearing the PG version and I’m going to be pissed if they’re going to play this game with me.
Finally he’s done beating around the bush and lets me in on the ‘not so secret’ information; they dated. They dated until Sam was kidnapped and Jax felt incredible guilty for allowing her to be taken and she felt the same guilt for starting to have feelings for Henry Travolt.
“We tried to move on in the relationship, but it became a friendship. I had this need to take care of her, and I was smothering her. She had this fear she held onto… she never let me back in.”
As he’s telling me this I watch his facial features and his eyes. I can see hurt and pain in them and it breaks my heart, for both of my friends.
“Friends, huh?” I ask. And he doesn’t say anything; only nods.
“So you’ve watched each other date other people for the past five years?” I ask him.
“No! I’ve watched her date other people for the past few years and you were the first person I dated since her.”
Immediately it hits me that Jax and I have this in common.
“Really?”
“You were the first person I wanted to date… since I dated her.”
It may have taken him two more years than it took me, but I felt the same way. I tried to date and never found any connection or spark until Jax. If I was in any way angry I’m no longer mad because I completely understand what he went through; and is still going through.
We stare at each other and I know we have an understanding.
“Have you and Sam discussed ‘us’ dating?” I ask him and quickly add, “Honesty Jax, I want honesty. I’m not trying to learn anything about Sam that she doesn’t want to share with me, I’m talking to my boyfriend, ok?” I know that sounded a little frantic, but enough already!
“Yeah we discussed it in the beginning once.”
I can see this is hard for him but he continues, “She told me to go for it, that you were a great catch and I agreed… and still agree.”
I smile at him, “I am!” I say with a wink. I can tell this is hard on Jax, and I’m beginning to understand how this has been for him.
We talk for over an hour and I understand that Jax’s feelings for me are real. I had a tiny doubt that he was dating me to make her jealous, but that thought is squashed after reliving the great memories we have shared and him being so honest.
He told me that the day we spent in Central Park was the best date that he has ever had and the worst date because that is the night Henry came back into his life, causing all those feelings to come back.
It hits me; that was really the start of our relationship heading somewhere and everything that happened that night ended us.
I look into his eyes and I can see the truth. He’s an absolutely wonderful man and he’s insanely perfect. He could be everything anyone needs him to be and he’s my boyfriend. I lean toward him and kiss him. I control the kiss and he opens his mouth enough for me to slip my tongue in. I hold his cheeks in my hand as I give him the most passionate kiss I think we’ve shared.
If that kiss would have gone on a second longer, I would have ripped off my La Perla panties.
“God, Lucy,” he breathes out, and I know exactly what he means. He takes my breath away.
“I’m so sorry I didn’t tell you about Sam before, but would that have made a difference?”
That is a question I’ve asked myself over and over again. Although I think I know the answer I don’t know for sure. In some ways I’m thankful I didn’t know; these past few months with Jax have been some of the best months of my life. I’ve loved every moment of this and I thank Jax for it.
I’m so glad I know we were a new beginning for him too. That was not expected, the knowledge gives me what I needed.
“Jax you know I can’t date someone who is going on a closed set for the next year with someone they used to be in love with, right?”
I’m shocked that a tear is rolling down my cheek when I say this, and even more surprised I see one roll down his cheek.
“Yeah, I never thought it would be fair to leave and not tell you; unless you come with us…”
I reach over and wipe his tear away. I see a man that I could have loved, a man that woke my heart out of a coma, and a man that has been there for me through thick and thin.
I take a deep breath and feel a loss enter my heart; I try to smile but I can’t.
“Do you love him, Lucy?” Jax asks me and I’m shocked he’s asking that. I look at him and his stare is almost intense, like he’s catching me in the act of something. I stare back, because all I can think is we’re sitting here because you love my best friend.
“Do you love her?” I ask him with the attitude one would expect in my situation. After a few moments we both realize neither one of us are going to answer the question.
Too much time passes as we stare at each other. I look him up and down and he’s just spectacular to look at. He’s everything I would ever want in a man. I have to remind myself why I’m breaking up with him. Sam is my best friend and after what I’ve learned, I think there still may be a chance for the two of them.
And let’s face it; there’s another reason why we need to break up…
Chapter 33
Being back at work in my old routine feels great. Sam left to do some pre-work for the movie they start shooting in two weeks and today is the day I get to watch the entire show I worked so hard on the last few months.
I gather in the show room with Rebekka and some suits I don’t know very well and it starts. It’s so weird sitting there watching these interviews that I put so much of myself into. I have to say, I’m impressed! I see the heart of the game in these interviews and I can’t help but remember the road of memories that flood my mind about each of these players and our brief time together.
Jax and I parted on good terms. I can’t help but think of him. I owe him so much but knowing he felt like he owed me the same thing gave us this bond that can’t break. I don’t know what lies ahead but I definitely have feelings for him.
After ‘the’ talk, we laid in bed cuddling and talking all night. He and I have been so comfortable with each other and have made so many good memories together. We’ve promised to be good friends.
Jax held me the entire night. I slept well knowing he was there with me and content knowing we ended our relationship on good terms. In the morning we parted with a kiss full of passion, but it was very clearly a good-bye kiss. I cried when he left, knowing that chapter was done, or at least closed for now. Jax left for California but we’ve still been texting every day.
Sam came home after Jax left. She spent the night at her parents trying to work through the words that psycho wrote about us. I think
she’s also thinking of Jax and how he rescued her two times. I told her Jax and I broke up and when she asked if I wanted to talk about it; I declined. I hope that doesn’t hurt our relationship, but I think I want to keep that part to myself.
I’ve woken in a panic state the past few nights and I’m feeling a lot of anxiety over someone trying to hurt me. I try to hide it with how busy I am with work but being at home alone is scary. I work late not looking forward to the endless hours at home spent thinking about what I would do if someone breached security.
Ana isn't in NYC or I would have asked her to stay with me. I have a lot of time to sit and think and I keep replaying the last five years in my head, over and over again. I haven’t heard from Chase in the past week and was feeling pretty hurt that he hasn’t reached out to me.
It hits me like a ton of bricks; I don’t need him to reach out to me, I can initiate the effort. I grab my phone and send him a simple text asking how he’s doing. I put my phone away as I don’t want to be caught with it out during the premiere of the show.
The interview with Chase is the last one and it brings tears to my eyes. It’s this interview that brought us back together, it’s this interview that may have given him the ability to recognize me at Club 6 that night he saved me, and it’s this interview that helps me to know I have 100% love and respect for this game.
There are outtakes of all the interviews that they are using on the web and at the end of this program when it finally runs; we’re watching some of them now and they are hilarious. Most of them are of the players, not of me, but some of them are of Chase and I and it’s interesting to see the way we looked at each other when we thought no one was watching.
They bring in champagne to toast the ending of us all working together and the success of this project. It’s a very nice reception and I feel sad this is over, but excited about what’s next. I’m getting a little anxious for that analyst job now. Talking to the players made me feel more a part of the game and now I need that in my life.
It’s 8pm and I’m ready to leave for the night so I have James come and get me. I didn’t think I would still use all of the ‘extras’ the Renaults give me, but they insist I use them so I graciously accept. I pull my phone out of my bag and see a text from Jax.
3:08pm
Jax: Hey Lucy, I just wanted to say hi and hope you are having a good day.
8:22pm
Me: Hey, good to hear from you. I’m having a good day thanks. Hope you are too.
I decide to text Sam, it has been a little weird and I want to get back to normal as soon as possible.
8:24pm
Me: Hey Sam, how’s it going? Miss you so much. It’s not the same in NY without you. Xoxo
I’m sad that Chase hasn’t texted me back but I tuck that thought away. When I get home I go straight upstairs and wash my face and put on some yoga pants and a tank top. I’m just going to lay in my bed and read.
My phone beeps, but I ignore it; the book has caught my attention and I like to read a whole book in one night. It beeps again and again so I grab it to look. Sam is texting me that she misses me and life isn’t the same without me either. I text her back and smile. I love her so much.
I pick my book back up and it beeps again. I smile thinking of Sam and grab it again.
10:35pm
Chase: Hey Lucy, It’s good to hear from you. I’ve been thinking of you, how’s it going?
10:37pm
Me: It’s going good. Definitely different, but ok. How are you?
10:37pm
Chase: Sorry for the delay, I forgot my phone at home today and it’s been a hell of a long day.
10:38pm
Me: Oh that sucks, sorry to hear. My day was pretty good, I finally saw the entire program and I’m quite proud.
I expect a text right back but he calls instead. I answer the phone and he immediately wants to hear about the program. I go right into telling him about his section and how good it turned out.
“Great, glad to hear that, but tell me about the whole thing.”
I smile and talk him through the whole program telling him about the entire experience. We’re both laughing and caught up in our talk about baseball.
“Well, the only sad part will be not seeing you on the road now that you are done with these interviews.” Chase says and I instantly frown.
I was so lucky to see him a few times during these interviews. It’s sad that I don’t get to travel and talk to players anymore, but it’s just as sad to me that I no longer have a reason to see Chase.
We talk for almost an hour when I can’t stop yawning and Chase hears it. It was great talking for so long but it’s time for me to go to bed and that means I won’t be finishing my book tonight.
I make one last trip to make sure all the doors are locked and the alarm is set and crawl back into bed. My phone pings one last time.
11:10pm
Chase: I enjoyed our talk tonight, goodnight Lucy
Sleep doesn’t come easy and I toss and turn the entire night. I know I got some sleep but it wasn’t great and not a solid few hours like I was hoping.
I get up at 4am and go through my normal routine and I’m at work by 6am. I did a lot of thinking on the treadmill this morning and I’m lonely. I can’t imagine what I’m going to do for the next few months all alone.
My days start blurring into one another and I feel quite pathetic. I have no life outside of work and no real friends in the city anymore. I decide to go to the spa and have an entire day with Mary Poppins to try and pick myself up out of this funk.
Of course the spa works and I feel so much better. I walk out and start walking down the street thinking I’ll get some shopping done. I walk a block down from the spa when I get an uneasy feeling and too much has happened for me to just ignore it.
Knowing if I don’t call Luke and tell him I’m leaving the spa I’ll get an earful so I turn around and walk back.
Luke arrives within 5 minutes and I suggest we grab a bite to eat. Something that simple makes me smile; it’s been awhile since I’ve just walked into a café and had some lunch.
We walk a block and pick the first place we see; it’s a charming street café that Sam I usually go to after our spa days. We walk in and want to sit at the bar, but there aren’t two seats together. Just as we’re about to go find a table a man at the bar offers to scoot over one so we can sit together.
“Thank you very much,” I tell him.
“Anything for a gorgeous girl,” he says and I smile at the compliment. He’s attractive if you like that clean-cut All-American look. He has brown hair, piercing blue eyes, and is dressed very well.
I order a peach Bellini and Luke changes it to a bottle of champagne that he will cork for me and a new bottle of peach nectar that he can open himself.
I look back over at the guy next to me and he lifts his eyebrow and I smile. Luke just made what would look like a scene ordering like that. Although I know why he did it, no one else would and it’s kind of funny because he sounds like a ‘dominant’.
Once my bottle of champagne comes and my drink is made, we order a couple sandwiches and make small talk. We don’t talk about anything personal but the simple conversation makes me feel much more normal than I’ve been feeling.
When we’re finished and Luke is paying the bill he makes a phone call. The guy on my right is still sitting there and seems to just be just having some coffee and reading the newspaper. I thank him for moving again and he winks at me and tells me, “Anytime.”
Luke and I leave and I drag him to a few stores before we head back to my house. I’m not going anywhere so he feels good about leaving me for the night.
The quiet house is not something I’m getting used to; I miss walking in and hearing, ‘There you are biatch!’
I grab my phone and call Sam hoping she can talk. I see I have some missed calls and missed texts but I don’t check them before calling her.
She answers on the first ring and whi
spers, “I’m in a meeting. It should end in an hour and then I’m on a plane back to New York, I can’t wait to see you, I have to go.” And click, she hangs up.
I smile. The ‘biatch’ is coming home and life can be a little more normal.
Chapter 34
It’s Sunday, but I get up super early and jump into Sam’s bed.
She got home around 1am and we were both so tired we just went straight to bed. We plan on doing some major shopping and having girl time today; I’ve even been persuaded into hitting the spa, again.
Sam and I stroll hand-in-hand down the street doing our shopping. I love the exciting stories Sam is telling me about her movie and what she’s been learning.
She reminds me that Jack Sower is in the movie as well and I smile; I remember that fun dinner we all had a few months ago.
“Earth to Lucy! Earth to Lucy!” Sam snaps at me and I hop out of my mind. We laugh together and she says, “Come on, mama needs a new pair of shoes,” as we walk into the Jimmy Choo store.
Sam takes an hour but picks out three new pairs; two heels and the most fantastic boots I’ve ever seen.
“Are you taking all those shoes on set with you?” I ask her with a huge smile. Sam and I wear the same size shoes and I don’t mind borrowing her shoes at all.
She just smiles at me, “The boots are for you biatch! I saw the look on your face, you are in love.”
I greedily grab the bag from her and jump up and down. Retail therapy is very real and I decide I’m with the perfect person to blow my monthly salary with.
We spend the entire day shopping and don’t end up making it to the spa. We decide to go to a nice dinner so we make our way home to put all our purchases away and get ready to leave.
I decide to glam it up tonight and create a smoky eye that really makes my blue eyes pop and put my hair up into a sleek bun before adding a bright red lip.
As I’m looking through my closet thinking about what to wear, I decide on the perfect black mini skirt with a black top. I add a sexy pair of red strappy Manolo Blahnik’s and I’m just about ready to go.
Almost Lost, Never Forgotten Page 20