by Kelli Walker
I smiled as I leaned in and pressed my forehead to his. I stood to my feet and allowed my fingertips to dance up his arm. I could feel his breath pulsing against my lips. I could feel his gaze on my closed eyes. I slid my hand up his arm. His shoulder. His neck. I clasped the base of his head lightly, as if it were made of glass. As if at any moment, I could shatter it and all would be lost.
I’d wake up from some dream and still see Ryder lying there.
In a coma.
Unresponsive to medical intervention.
“I’m right here,” he said.
“I know. I know. Just… let me soak it in,” I said.
“Though I am feeling a little tired.”
“No!” I exclaimed.
I felt Ryder jump before his heart monitor skyrocketed. The nurses ran in and I backed away from his bed. The mere idea of him closing his eyes and drifting back off petrified me. The nurses checked him over and massaged his legs to calm his heart rate as she tossed me a nasty look. I turned my face out towards the window and cupped my hand over my mouth.
I was so tired, and so emotionally drained, and I wasn’t sure if it was good for me to be there any longer.
“Alicia.”
“I’m sorry. I’m so sorry,” I said.
“Alicia, turn around.”
“Please don’t go to sleep. I’ll leave and give you peace. Just stay awake a little while longer.”
“Alicia. Would you turn around, damn it?”
I slowly turned around towards him with widened eyes. He was sitting up in bed and his heart rate monitor had settled out. He scooted himself over, wincing as he did, and patted the bed next to him.
“Come sit with me,” he said.
And I rushed to his side and pressed my body into him.
I fell into the crook of his arm as he offered himself to me. I knew I was being selfish and I knew I wasn’t being strong enough. But feeling his muscles pressed against my body and feeling how his lips fell to the top of my head were all reminders that he was awake. Alert. Alive. I settled in close and draped my arm around his waist, then pressed my cheek into his chest.
“I’ll stay up a while longer,” he said. “But only if you stay with me tonight.”
“I’ve been here every other night. I’m not leaving now,” I said.
I felt his grip tighten around me as we both laid there in his hospital bed.
I tilted my head up to see him again and our eyes connected. His heartbeat was nestled against my cheek, drumming out the most perfect rhythm for my own to follow. I felt drawn to him. Drawn to the man who had almost given his life to make sure I was safe and protected. Drawn to the man I wasn’t sure I’d really let go of when he left me at his graduation ceremony.
I felt myself pressing closer. Pushing myself up with my arms until his lips were mere puffs of breath away from mine.
“Just here to draw some blood,” the nurse said.
I closed my eyes and heard Ryder’s chuckle drape over my ears.
The nurse came over and drew two vials before the doctor trickled in. His white coat was billowing behind his body and his clipboard was tucked underneath his arm. He waited for the nurse to leave the room, then he pulled up a chair and sat down.
His smile was kind, and his presence helped us to both relax.
“You look good for Rip Van Winkle,” the doctor said. “How much has she filled you in on?”
“Head. Three surgeries. Clot. Ribs.”
“Then that pretty much covers the damage you came in with. Now, I’m going to talk to you about where we go from here.”
“How much longer will he be here?” I asked.
“We have tests we need to run, but from the looks of things you haven’t suffered much, if at all, brain damage. Which I’m going to say right now is a miracle. I take no credit for it,” the doctor said. “I’ve got blood panels being run on everything from vitamin levels to hormonal levels to tests for infections, then we’re going to move onto things like EKG’s. I want to make sure your brain activity is normal before we release you. But, if all of those tests go well, we should be able to get you out of here in the next three days.”
I smiled up at Ryder as his arm tightened around me.
“But that comes with a condition.”
“I figured,” Ryder said.
“I have to release you into someone’s care.”
“What?” he asked.
“You’ve just come out of a four-week coma. I’m not releasing you from this hospital to go home without someone to look after you. If you don’t have anyone, that’s fine. There’s a halfway house for people with massive injuries who need time between the hospital and home to continue recuperation. But if you want to go home, someone has to be there with you.”
“That’s not a problem,” I said. “I’ll be with him.”
“Alicia, you can’t do that.”
“I can, and I will. You saved my life, Ryder Smith. I’m seeing you through this.”
“You don’t owe me anything,” he said.
“Except my life.”
I shot him a glance that told him to back down before the doctor continued.
“If you allow her to sign your release form, then you go home and follow strict guidelines.”
“Like…?” Ryder asked.
“No roller coaster riding. No ingesting of laundry detergent. You know, things like that.”
“Oh. So normal things. Got it,” he said.
“But in all seriousness,” the doctor said, smiling, “you’ll have dietary restrictions to cut back on inward inflammation and help your body’s healing process. And to prevent any swelling from kicking in around your brain again. Nothing that gets your heart rate above a certain level until those plates and screws have another couple of weeks to settle. Exercises for your leg that had the clot to make sure no lasting damage takes place. And your caretaker--whoever you designate-- will wake you up every four hours to make sure you can regain consciousness for the first week.”
“So I’m supposed to heal, but I can’t sleep.”
“Exactly. Welcome to being a coma patient,” the doctor said.
“If he abides by all that, how long until he can resume his life?” I asked.
“You mean get back out there and chase bad guys? Let’s just say he might want to stick behind his desk for a while. But give that lifestyle three weeks with no hiccups and he should be back at work signing off on projects in no time.”
“Thanks, doc. Appreciate it,” Ryder said.
“Regarding sleep tonight. Stay up as long as you can. Give your body time to be alert and awake and adjust to its surroundings. But when sleep finally takes you, don’t be afraid of it.”
The doctor’s eyes drifted to mine and I pressed my head into Ryder’s chest.
“Got it,” he said. “Anything else?”
“Eventually, you’ll have to recount that night to a nurse or myself. We need to know what you remember and what you don’t. That will be the true determining factor of whether or not your short-term memory’s been affected by all of this.”
“I remember what happened,” Ryder said. “Langley stuck me in the neck, cracked me over the head, hit Alicia, then fell down the stairs when I pushed that fucker off her.”
The doctor nodded as my eyes fluttered up to his. He was looking down at me and his thumb was stroking my cheek. The cheek Langley’s hand had found in a rage-filled effort to get me to stop yelling for him.
“I remember,” Ryder said, whispering.
“Then that’s one more step in the right direction,” the doctor said.
I heard him get up and leave the room, but I wasn’t paying attention. I was lost in Ryder’s worried stare. A coma. The man had sustained a severe concussion, a coma, and broken ribs, but he was concerned about a bruise that had faded a week ago. I brought my hand up and took hold of his, then brought his palm to my lips to kiss.
I closed my eyes and tasted his skin as my heart began to flutter.
“Wanna see what’s on the hospital television?” Ryder asked.
I heard it click on in front of us as my head panned over to the screen.
“Stay awake?” I asked.
His lips pressed against my forehead as a smile crossed my cheeks.
“For a movie,” he said. “Then, we’ll sleep together.”
And I found that I could tolerate that so long as he woke up in the morning.
Ryder
Much to my protest, Alicia rolled me out to her car in a wheelchair. I was insistent on the fact that I could walk just fine, but she claimed she wasn’t taking any risks. What risks? My damn test results came back just fine. I was fine. My head was fine. She didn’t have to push me around in some chair like I was an elderly man with two broken legs. But she helped me into the car and hopped in, then I drove the two of us back to my place.
The car ride was silent and my eyes were staring out the window. Everything inside of me wanted to reach out for her hand. To stroke my thumb against her skin and feel close to her like I had these past few days. I was worried her affections were simply because I was in the hospital. Feeble and drugged up and unable to fend for myself.
I was worried her affections would wane the second we left, and I didn’t want to risk the rejection of her slipping away from me.
So, I resisted the urge.
“I’m fine,” I said as Alicia opened the car door.
“Put your arm around my shoulder.”
“I’ve got it,” I said.
“You either let me help you or you let me take you back to the hospital. We can do this either way.”
My eyes locked with hers and she clenched her jaw in frustration. Fuck. She was always so damn cute when she was upet.
“Fine,” I said. “But just this once.”
“That’s what you think,” she said with a grin.
She helped me up to the front door of my house. I noticed my door wasn’t splintered, which meant the guys must’ve come by and repaired it. She pulled my keys from my pocket, brushing her hands dangerously close to my groin. I stifled a groan and tried to quell the throbbing of my veins.
Holy hell, her touch was electric.
She threw the door open, then led us both inside. I shut the door behind us and allowed her to lead me into the kitchen. I could hear his stomach growling. I hadn’t had a decent meal in well over a month, and food was exactly what I needed.
What I didn’t expect was for Alicia to plop me into a damn chair and cook herself.
I watched Alicia move around the kitchen as she tried to figure out what to do. Most of what I had in his fridge would be expired, at best, so there wasn’t much of an option readily available to us. I knew there were some chicken breasts as well as some hot pockets in the freezer, but that was it. The only vegetables that weren’t going to be disgusting and moldy were the canned ones in the pantry and the frozen ones I kept on hand for soups.
I watched Alicia check the cabinets before he pulled out some chicken stalk and smiled.
I watched her as she stood at the oven, cooking the soup in a massive pot. But then, my eyes fell out the window. Towards the edge of my property as the sounds of the road wafted up the hill. I was still on edge. Alert. In my mind, Langley was still fresh. A few days ago, at best. I was still struggling with the fact that all of it had happened over a month ago. That Langley had been caught, charged, and jailed before I’d even woken up. That Robert Martella had been the one keeping tabs on Alicia so Langley could stay out of fucking sight.
I couldn't believe I didn’t see that one.
It took almost an hour to throw a simple soup together, but I didn’t care. The smell was decadent and I was ready to devour the entire pot. I heard the cracking open of a bottle of water and turned my head, watching as Alicia sat the meal down in front of me.
“Compliments of the chef,” she said with a smile.
“It smells good.”
“I have my moments.”
“You know you don’t have to do any of this, right?” I asked.
I watched Alicia backtrack to the refrigerator and throw the door open. The smell that filled the kitchen was revolting. I watched her recoil as she threw her hand over her nose, then her eyes began looking around the kitchen.
“I’m borrowing your trash can,” Alicia said as she reached for its edge.
“Alicia.”
“I heard you.”
“You don’t have to stay.”
“Doesn’t mean I won’t.”
“You can go live your life,” I said. “Langley can’t hurt you any longer.”
“I’m aware of that. The man’s been convicted and put in jail for quite some time.”
“You’re safe. Divorced. I’m assuming Brendan got you your money, so you have the ability to start again. You don’t have to be here.”
Alicia tossed the rotten vegetables and stale meat into the trash, trying to act as if she wasn’t hearing me.
“Why are you still here?” I asked.
“Are you trying to make me upset or are you really that thick-headed?” she asked.
I whipped my head up to meet her gaze and found her eyes growing stern.
“I’m taking care of you until you’re better. The only reason that hospital released you is because I was there to sign off on your release forms. Ryder, you almost died for me. To keep me safe. The absolute least I can do is see you through your damn recovery.”
“That isn’t your responsibility.”
“According to the doctors, it is,” she said.
“Is that the only reason you’re here?”
Alicia tossed another fistful of disgusting food into the trash before she pulled a tupperware container out. I didn’t want her to open up. I was sure there was something in there wiggling around and coming alive. I watched her toss the entire thing into the trash can with a thud, and I knew she was looking for a way to bypass my question again.
But I had to know.
I had to know why she was really here.
I watched her dip up her own bowl of soup before she sat down beside me. Her hair was falling in her eyes and her lips puckered as she sipped the broth. She hadn’t answered my question, and I wasn’t pressing forward until I had one.
“Alicia?”
“Ryder?”
“Are you going to answer my question?”
“I don’t know how to answer it,” she said.
“It’s simple. Are you here because of the doctor or not?”
“Or not,” she said.
Her eyes fluttered up to mine momentarily before she grabbed her bottle of water. She cracked it open and I watched her throat bob with her gulps. I knew that was the best answer I was going to get for a while, so I dropped the subject.
“Did it ever make you feel bad?”
“What?” I asked.
“Leaving me at your graduation like that.”
I took a few bites of my soup and slowly gathered my thoughts.
“No,” I said.
“So it didn’t make you feel bad that you broke my heart.
“Not what you asked.”
“I asked-”
“You asked if I felt bad leaving you at graduation. And the answer will always be ‘no’. I knew you were on to better things and I knew I would hold you back. I knew you would stunt every part of who you were to help me find my way, and you deserved better than that. You still do.”
“But…?”
“But knowing it broke your heart? Leaving things between us the way I did in favor of you finding a better life for yourself? I regret it every fucking day.”
Our eyes connected and I watched as tears welled in her eyes. She dropped her vision to her soup, blocking me out of the emotions she was feeling. I couldn't blame her. It took a toll on me to walk away from her like I had. But I’d do it a million times over if it meant she had a chance at finding her own way. Making decisions for herself instead of basing them on someone else.
/> “You never held me back,” Alicia said. “You still don’t. So don’t think that me being here is somehow holding me back from some fantastical life I could go live.”
“That isn’t what I-”
“You had your chance to talk, and now it’s my turn. You made a decision for me that day without consulting me. A decision that affected both of us. But you were judge, jury, and executioner of that plan. Like my opinion or say in the matter didn’t mean anything. That isn’t going to happen here. I have a say in what goes on between the two of us now. And every move I made in that hospital and every move I make now is because I’m making a choice. Not because I’m following out of some blind ambition to help you.”
She dropped her spoon into her soup when it started shaking. Her eyes rose to me and they weren’t the same eyes that had dropped to her food. They were filled with tears, yes. But also determination. Strength. A stubborn willpower I had only seen encased in the body of a sixteen-year old.
There she was.
There was my Alicia.
“I have reasons for staying, yes. Logical reasons. But that doesn’t make what I do any less my choice, Ryder. Answer me something. Do you like the sky?”
“What?”
“Do you like the sky?”
“Sure,” I said.
“Do you think it’s pretty.”
“I guess.”
“Can you tell me why you think it’s pretty?”
“Alicia-”
“Explain why you think it’s pretty, Ryder.”
“Because it’s blue. And… sometimes filled with stars. Because it reminds me of how small I really am, but also reminds me that I can still make a damn impact, Alicia.”
“Now, does explaining all of that make the sky any less pretty to you?”
I snickered and shook my head as a grin crossed my cheeks.
“You were always good at explaining things,” I said.
“Just because I have reasons doesn’t mean my ability to choose has somehow dissipated, Ryder. I’m staying with you until you are recuperated because it’s the choice I want to make with my life. So suck it up and deal.”
And I guess there was really only one answer I could give her.
“Yes ma’am.”