Alice's Nightmare In Wonderland

by Jonathan Green

  And so Alice sets off on her way once more.

  Record the word ‘Bonkers’ on Alice’s Adventure Sheet and then turn to 216.

  377

  Snorting in rage, the Walrus tries to gouge Alice with its spear-like ivory tusks. Let battle commence! (The Walrus has the initiative.)

  WALRUS COMBAT 8 ENDURANCE 8

  If Alice is victorious, despite the seemly impossible odds, turn to 414.

  378

  Alice loses herself in the winding passageways of the Queen of Hearts’ Palace, hoping to do the same with the Red Queen. And her plan appears to be working, as very soon the vampire’s banshee screams of frustration fade into the distance, becoming nothing but distant echoes.

  Turning a corner, a panting Alice suddenly runs slap bang into a tall man, wearing the heraldry of the Queen of Hearts, a cold steely look in his unblinking black gaze. Alice’s first reaction is one of shock until she realises that a servant of the Queen of Hearts might prove an effective ally now.

  That is until a cruel smile spreads across the Knave of Hearts’ face, revealing elongated canines and Alice spies the two puncture marks at the villain’s throat.

  Turn to 196.

  379

  The Caterpillar’s call fading into the distance, Alice opens the door and goes in.

  The door leads straight into a large kitchen, which is full of smoke from one end to the other: the Duchess is sitting on a three-legged stool in the middle, nursing a baby; the cook is leaning over the fire, stirring a large cauldron which seemed to be full of soup.

  “There’s certainly too much pepper in that soup!” Alice says to herself, as well as she can for sneezing.

  There is certainly too much of it in the air. Even the Duchess sneezes occasionally; and as for the baby, it is sneezing and howling alternately without a moment’s pause. The only things in the kitchen that do not sneeze, are the cook, and a large cat which is sitting on the hearth and grinning from ear to ear.

  “Please would you tell me,” says Alice, a little timidly, for she is not quite sure whether it is good manners for her to speak first, “why your cat grins like that?”

  To which the cat replies, “We’re all mad here. I’m mad. You’re mad.”

  “How do you know I’m mad?” says Alice.

  “You must be,” says the Cat and starts to vanish, beginning with the end of the tail, and ending with the grin, which remains some time after the rest of it has gone, “or you wouldn’t have come here.”

  “Well! I’ve often seen a cat without a grin,” thinks Alice; “but a grin without a cat! It’s the most curious thing I ever saw in my life!”

  And then she is standing in front of a large house, with chimneys shaped like ears and its roof thatched with fur.

  There is a table set out under a tree in front of the house, and the March Hare and the Hatter are having tea at it: a Dormouse is sitting between them, fast asleep, and the other two are using it as a cushion, resting their elbows on it, and talking over its head. “Very uncomfortable for the Dormouse,” thinks Alice; “only, as it’s asleep, I suppose it doesn’t mind.”

  The table is a large one, but the three are all crowded together at one corner of it: “No room! No room!” they cry out when they see Alice coming.

  “There’s plenty of room!” says Alice indignantly, and she sits down in a large arm-chair at one end of the table.

  “Have some wine,” the March Hare says in an encouraging tone.

  The Dormouse slowly opens his eyes. “I wasn’t asleep,” he says in a hoarse, feeble voice: “Did you ever see such a thing as a drawing of a muchness?”

  “Really, now you ask me,” says Alice, very much confused, “I don’t think –”

  “Then you shouldn’t talk,” says the Hatter.

  This piece of rudeness is more than Alice can bear: she gets up in great disgust, and walks off.

  “I’ll never go there again!” she says. “It’s the stupidest tea-party I ever was at in all my life!”

  Just as she says this, she notices a tree in front of her with a door leading right into it. “That’s very curious!” she thinks. “But everything’s curious today. I think I may as well go in at once.” And in she goes.

  Turn to 389.

  380

  To go north, turn to 261. To go east, turn to 146. To go south, turn to 282.

  381

  Entering the house Alice finds herself in a gloomy entrance hall. In the half-dark she can make out a portrait in an oval frame, hung on the wall in front of her, of a proud looking hare and underneath it, on the frame itself, has been painted the name, ‘March Hare’.

  Making her way further into the house, Alice finds furniture overturned, plates broken, and pictures hanging askew from their hooks. These are clear signs of a struggle, but what has happened to the inhabitants of the house?

  If you think Alice should keep searching the house, in the hope of either finding its inhabitants, or at least more conclusive proof as to their fate, turn to 401. If you think she should get out of there as quickly as she can, turn to 194.

  382

  Taking a deep breath, in an attempt to avert total arachnophobia, deciding that the best form of defence is attack, Alice braces herself, just as the Spider springs at her. (Alice has the initiative in this battle.)

  SPIDER COMBAT 7 ENDURANCE 6

  If Alice overcomes the Spider, turn to 260.

  383

  “Think!” Alice bullies herself. “There must be a way out of this pickle I’ve got myself into.”

  Take a Logic test. If Alice passes, turn to 411. If she fails, turn to 275.

  384

  The Cook tugs a large cleaver from a chopping block on the kitchen table, and it is then that Alice catches sight of the hunks of bloody meat that are in the process of being butchered upon it. There is something distinctly unsettling about the shape of those pieces of meat.

  The child finds her eyes drawn to the bubbling copper over the fire as something bobs to the surface. It is a human head, its hideous features locked in a permanent state of shock. The look of shock on the dead woman’s face is mirrored by that of Alice’s appalled expression. (Add 1 to Alice’s Insanity score.)

  Alice has seen little since tumbling down the rabbit-hole to match this house of horrors. If you want her to use the Curiouser and Curiouser ability in the hope of saving her sanity, turn to 374. If not, turn to 148.

  385

  “Curiouser and curiouser,” says Alice, meeting the Frog’s bug-eyed gaze. “I have never seen so large an amphibian.”

  The surface of the pond heaves again and a second huge Frog leaps from the pond to land on the path beside the first.

  Alice is hopping mad at this change in circumstances. Arming herself, as best she can, she prepares to fight both the belligerent bullfrogs. (Alice has the initiative.)

  COMBAT ENDURANCE

  First FROG 7 6

  Second FROG 6 7

  If Alice defeats both of the greedy Frogs, turn to 395.

  386

  The Guards drag Alice down to the deepest, bat-haunted dungeon of the palace and there throw her into a cold dank cell, with moss creeping up the wet walls, slamming the door behind her. There is the sharp click of a key turning in the lock, followed by the sound of retreating footsteps, and Alice is left alone in the near-dark of the prison cell.

  But Alice is a resourceful child and does not intend remaining a prisoner any longer than she can help it, and, fortunately for her, the simple-minded Guards did not think to search her before locking her up in the cell.

  If Alice is in possession of a Skeleton Key, turn to 396. If not, but Alice still has a tot of Shrinking Potion left, and you want her to drink it now, turn to 457. If Alice has neither of these things, turn to 416.

  387

  Since the bottle is not marked ‘POISON’, Alice puts it to her lips and takes a sip. The liquid, which is now a pinkish-red colour again, tastes like cherry-tart.

  “Delici
ous!” says Alice and takes another swig. It has the most wonderful flavour, like a mixture of cherry-tart, custard, pineapple, roast turkey, toffee and hot buttered toast.

  “What a curious feeling!” the child declares as a curious feeling overcomes her. It feels as if her organs are contracting inside her, her skeleton shrinking in response, followed by the rest of her. “I must be shutting up like a telescope.”

  And indeed she is, as the table soars above her, its glass legs growing to the size of tree trunks. When she is only ten inches high, Alice finally stops shrinking.

  Curiously, the bottle has shrunk along with her, as have her clothes, and it still has one measure of the potion left inside. (Add the Shrinking Potion to Alice’s Adventure Sheet.)

  What should she do now? If you want Alice to continue trying the doors around the hall, turn to 406. If you want her to open the glass box (if she hasn’t already), turn to 260. If you want her to use the Curiouser and Curiouser ability to resolve this reversal of fortunes, turn to 141.

  388

  Knowing that not only her life but her very soul depend on her getting away, Alice runs from the throne room, hoping to lose the Red Queen within the labyrinthine passages of the Palace.

  Take a Logic test and an Endurance test. If Alice passes both of these tests, turn to 245. If she fails either test, turn to 378.

  389

  Alice finds herself standing in a most unremarkable drawing room. It least it would be unremarkable but for the white-haired, uncommonly fat, old man performing acrobatic stunts. One minute he is standing on his head, the next he is turning back-somersaults, and before Alice knows it, he is polishing off a platter of roast goose, bones, beak and all!

  Alice is so amazed by his antics that she cannot let what she is seeing pass without remarking upon it, but what should Alice focus on asking about?

  The old man’s ability to stand on his

  head? Turn to 412.

  The way he can turn back-somersaults? Turn to 432.

  His ability to devour the goose,

  including the bones and the beak? Turn to 442.

  390

  A little further on the path forks again. Should Alice go east (turn to 400), south (turn to 410) or west (turn to 370)?

  391

  “How strange,” says Alice, as she regards the sundial, for rather than the hours of the day, around the rim of the circular brass dial plate are marked the letters of the alphabet. Standing on tiptoe so that she might see better, Alice rests a hand on the triangular gnomon and feels it move at her touch. “Curiouser and curiouser.”

  Around the rim of the plinth on which the sundial stands Alice can make out the words of an inscription, half-hidden by patches of orange and white lichen. It reads:

  A sundial is the timepiece with the fewest moving parts,

  So what, pray, is the timepiece with the most moving parts?

  Take a Logic test and if Alice passes, turn to 409. If she fails, turn to 429.

  392

  “Did I hear you say you used butter to grease your gears?” Alice suddenly asks the three-headed Automaton.

  “Yes, but some crumbs got in as well,” replies the Hatter.

  “And treacle,” mumbles the Dormouse.

  “Treacle?” exclaim the Hatter and Hare together.

  “Well I think they’re clogging up your steam regulator,” says Alice knowingly.

  And sure enough, the workings of the Automaton do appear to be jamming shut the pressure release value. The whole contraption starts to vibrate and rattle about furiously, so much so that Alice fears the boiler might explode at any moment.

  “I want a clean cup!” shrieks the Hatter, as the Automaton appears to lose control of its actions, its arms flailing in all directions while it struggles to remain on its feet.

  Darting past the rattling Automaton, Alice dashes away along the corridor.

  “Oh my ears and whiskers!” she hears the Hare say, and the Palace is rocked by a splintering explosion that sends pieces of twisted metal and shards of hot pottery skimming over Alice’s head, causing her to duck, lest she lose her head altogether.

  Turn to 402.

  393

  “I wonder if that’s the reason insects are so fond of flying into candles,” Alice says after she has taken a good look at the insect with its head on fire, “because they want to turn into Snap-dragon-flies!”

  Suddenly a shadow falls across the garden as a cloud passes in front of the face of the sun, and the rain starts to fall. The shower does not last long but leaves Alice’s clothes and hair soaking wet. The Snap-dragon-flies do not get off so lightly, however. The sudden downpour has doused their flames and now they lie on the gravel path struggling to take to the air again as their plum pudding bodies dissolve around them.

  Wringing the worst of the wet from her hair and shaking out her dress, so that it might dry more quickly in the sun, Alice is able to continue on her way at last, no longer troubled by the troublesome insects.

  Turn to 146.

  394

  Suddenly the Walrus gives a gruff bark and falls flat on its face in the sand. Alice watches for any sign of movement but there is nothing, not even a twitch of the big brute’s moustache.

  Alice decides to try calling out to the Walrus to see if that garners any response. “But what to say?” she muses. And then it comes to her.

  “The time has come,” the damsel says,

  “To talk of many things:

  Of shoes – and ships – and sealing-wax –

  Of cabbages – and kings –

  And why the sea is boiling hot –

  And whether pigs have wings.”

  After several moments Alice dares to take a step towards the Walrus and prods it with her foot, but there is no sign of a response.

  “I suppose the greedy creature must have eaten something that didn’t agree with him,” she remarks, taking in the numerous oyster shells strewn about the beach.

  Turn to 414.

  395

  Alice covers up any sign of her latest struggle by making sure that all the incriminating evidence ends up in the pond.

  Not wanting to linger here a moment longer, she hurries on her way, but does she go east (turn to 210) or west (turn to 510)?

  396

  Her heart pounding with the rush of adrenaline, Alice puts the key in the lock of the cell door and turns it. There is a click and the door swings open. Having checked that the way is clear, Alice heads off into the Palace.

  Turn to 342.

  397

  As Alice enters the forest she passes from daylight into a sinister, twilit gloom. As she moves deeper into the preternatural darkness, she realises that the trees are giving way to towering fungal forms that appear to be taller than the trees themselves. Alice starts to wonder if she has changed size as she has followed the path through the forest.

  Finally, the path she is following between the looming fungi forks. If you want Alice to follow the path the left-hand branch, turn to 407. If you want her to follow the right-hand path, as it disappears into the mist, turn to 285.

  398

  The Red Queen lies dead on the floor of the throne room. Perhaps now Alice’s nightmare will come to an end.

  But as she stands over the vampire’s body – her hands on her knees, gasping for breath – the Red Queen rises once more, apparently able to shrug off injuries that would have proved fatal to any mere mortal, her brutalised flesh knitting back together.

  “And now, Alice dear, it’s my turn,” says the vampire, offering her a cruel smile.

  If Alice hadn’t already seen what horrors the harridan was capable of, witnessing the life-leech’s resurrection might just have sent her mind plummeting over the edge into the abyss of insanity. As it is, all she knows for certain is that she doesn’t have the means of defeating the Red Queen and must simply try to escape. But how can she outrun an opponent who is faster and stronger than she is, not to mention capable of healing from what should have
been lethal wounds?

  How should Alice try to escape the Red Queen?

  Run away, as fast as she can? Turn to 388.

  Use a Gryphon’s Feather (if she has one)? Turn to 356.

  Alternatively, if the word ‘Phantasm’ is recorded on Alice’s Adventure Sheet, you will also have a number associated with the word; turn to the paragraph with the same number now.

  399

  Alice remains exactly where she is as something huge and hideous emerges from the cave. It is vaguely humanoid in form but is clad only in animal skins. One strong arm is dragging a massive club, made from a whole tree branch, and its muscular, malformed body is covered with a host of healed scars.

  But what has attracted Alice’s attention, and has her shaking in an apoplexy of fear, is the fact that the lumbering brute has not one, but two heads, growing from lumpen necks upon its shoulders. Four eyes fix on Alice and a pair of malevolent smiles spread across the Ogre’s two faces.

  “Tweedle-dee and Tweedle-dum, I smell the blood of human scum,” growls the head on the left.

  “Tweedle-dum and Tweedle-dee, what d’you want with him and me?” rumbles the head on the right.

  Thinking fast on her feet Alice suddenly says, “I have come to challenge you!”

  “What sort of a challenge?” asks the second head, suspicion creasing its ugly brow.

  How should Alice respond?