Don't Explain

by Audrey Dacey

  Plus, she could say she was near her aging mother without actually being close to her mother.

  “Anyway,” Caitlyn continued, “we lost contact like seven years ago. I’d email him. He’d send a two-line response. I called, but he was always busy. I stopped trying. We were both busy with our separate lives on opposite sides of the country. I don’t even know him anymore.”

  The opportunities for Michael to take a vacation during med school were lacking, and after med school she imagined he would probably want to go somewhere more interesting than Massachusetts. She could have visited him, but she never went anywhere without a direct invitation, and she had never received one.

  “What are you going to do?” Alexis asked.

  Caitlyn shrugged. “There’s nothing to do. He’s gone. I probably won’t hear from him again.”

  She had hoped during the first few years that Michael would come back into her life, but she finally let go of that hope and chose to forget about him the best that she could. Now that he had actually shown up in her coffee shop, she didn’t really want to have him back in her life, especially if he was going to take one look at her and run.

  Alexis let a long breath out of her mouth. “If he comes back, can I have a stab at him?” Caitlyn’s head shot up and her eyes narrowed.

  Alexis held her hands up in submission, “Okay, okay. I get it. Tell me how you really feel.”

  Caitlyn just ignored her. She dumped her dust pan, grabbed a rag, and started wiping down the formerly occupied tables, humming along to “Don’t Explain” as she worked.

  “So you did want to have sex with him, right? Tell me you tried at least once to take advantage of a late night study session.”

  Caitlyn opened her mouth to tell her that she wished she had, but there was a quick rapping on the wooden frame of the door. “Sorry, I’m closed for the day. I've already cleaned the equipment.” She shook her head and looked at Alexis. “How come I only get customers when I’m closed?”

  Alexis jumped down from the counter. “Hey, I'm going to take off.”

  Caitlyn looked up at her and saw Alexis's eyes were wide and that she was fiercely but discreetly pointing in the direction of the door. Caitlyn turned around, puzzled by her friend's erratic behavior. Her cheeks flushed when she saw Michael standing behind the glass pane. The brunette bounced across the room and unlocked the door, letting him in. Over his shoulder she silently indicated that Caitlyn must call her immediately after she was done there.

  Caitlyn’s heart pounded against her chest, and she was gripping the damp rag so tightly water dripped on the floor.

  “Caitlyn, I’m sorry.” Michael's voice filled her with a warm sensation.

  “Forget about it.” She pulled down a chair and offered it to him. Michael hesitated for a moment and then sat down.

  She grabbed a chair for herself and sat across from him. For a few moments they sat in awkward silence. She nervously offered everything on the menu, but he declined, smiling at her. Her need to please was strong. She hated to think that she couldn’t make someone more comfortable.

  “I was incredibly shocked to see you,” he admitted.

  “Me too.” She couldn't help but turn into a shy, meek woman. A woman whom she no longer thought she was. At least, one she hadn’t been since she left Arizona.

  “I acted like a jerk.”

  “Yeah, you did.”

  He gave her a bright smile. One that several years ago could have convinced her to do just about anything from skinny dipping to eating half of a large pizza at Zachary’s, which is equivalent to eating three whole regular pizza place pizzas. “I came back to see you when I realized it.”

  The words overwhelmed Caitlyn, stunning her into a brief silence. Back to see you. The feelings she had for Michael as a young woman flooded her mind. Inside the sleeves of her sweater her hair stood on end. The nape of her neck tingled. Her breath became labored, but only she would notice.

  “That's okay,” she covered the fib with a smile. “I understand completely.” She started wiping the table next to her again in anxious embarrassment. It was less awkward than just sitting there trying not to stare at him. Michael moved his chair closer to her; the wood floor creaked beneath him, emphasizing the silence.

  He moved his body so that he was leaning forward and looking slightly up at her, trying to grab her gaze. “Tu m'as manqué,” he whispered.

  His words stopped her repetitive movement. She sighed heavily to release her tension. “I missed you too.”

  They had taken French together in college and would often speak to each other to practice. It had always made Caitlyn feel a stronger connection between them. Caitlyn, however, was the only one who felt this connection. They were good friends, but she had let herself fall totally in love with Michael.

  “What are you doing here?” Caitlyn asked.

  Michael drummed his thumb against the table. He knew the question would come, but he was hoping it would come later. He paused, trying to figure out a way to avoid responding. After a moment's contemplation, he decided to turn it back on her.

  “Why haven't you called or written in six years?”

  His mouth slowly turned thinking he knew the answer. She's beautiful, he thought as he examined her conspicuously. Her jeans sensually hugged her hips, and her sweater hung freely from her shoulders, softly embracing her curves. The t-shirt beneath was loose at her waist but tightened around her breasts. A few strawberry strands had fallen across her freckled face, and she pushed them back behind her ear. Her pale eyes wandered from his face to the floor and back. Finally they froze on his eyes.

  “It’s been seven years, and it’s because you’re a terrible pen pal, and you don't slow down enough to have worthwhile phone conversations.” A bit of resentment accompanied her playful tone. Her eyes dropped to the floor again.

  He felt ashamed and aggressively kneaded his hands. He knew what she said was true. Med school was a busy time for him; residency was even busier, and struggling to get his practice off the ground left little time for anything more than immediacy and proximity. He knew she was a great friend, but his impatience for long distance relationships of any kind had thwarted all of her attempts to remain in contact. Watching her sitting there, he knew he had to reconcile.

  “Well, I am here now. I want to make it up to you.” He paused and flashed the sweet smile that he knew generally completely disarmed those around him.

  She gave him a slight smile in return. “I thought you were just passing through?’

  “I can stay a little longer. So tell me, why are you working in a coffee shop? Last I knew you were in Lunenburg teaching English at the high school. What are you doing here?”

  “I asked you first,” she said as she crossed her arms under her breasts and stared directly into his eyes.

  He was stunned by her aggressive forwardness. The Caitlyn he knew in college was compliant and avoided conflict. She never would have turned this back around on him. He was impressed.

  “I came here to get away.” He hesitated. “I decided that I needed a vacation, so I took the first flight out of Sacramento and landed in Boston. I drove around until I got tired and ended up here.”

  The omission was necessary; she shouldn't have to deal with his problems. Showing up in someone’s life only to dump your problems on them was wrong. He looked down and took a deep breath to prevent himself from crossing an emotional line.

  “Teaching wasn't what I thought it was going to be. I wanted to make a difference, and all I did was drive myself to the edge. The high school snuffed out any fire I had left in me. So, this spring I got the idea to open this coffee shop.” She blurted it out, speaking quickly and without censorship.

  “It’s really nice.”

  Her cheeks flushed and she smiled. “Thanks, but it better be. The town was a month away from tearing down this building when I bought it. It was an old one-room schoolhouse and then a craft shop until the late nineties. I paid in full for the buil
ding, borrowed some money to fix her up and fill her with stuff. And now it’s Fine and Mellow. I’ve been open for almost three weeks, and you were my fiftieth sale. So we’ll see how long this lasts.” Caitlyn looked around and admired her work. She glowed and her eyes were bright until her gaze met his. Then she wrapped her sweater around herself tightly and bit her lip.

  “I think it’s funny you quit your teaching job to open a coffee shop in a schoolhouse.”

  “Everyone does.”

  Their gazes met for a moment. Michael’s leg bounced wildly, and he had to set his hand on his thigh to stop it. He felt that he had fulfilled his friendship duties for the moment. This back and forth was making him uncomfortable, and he feared that any more conversation would lead to the thing he least wanted to talk about.

  Besides, he found that he couldn’t stop wondering what she looked like underneath her t-shirt and jeans. If he was not careful, he would do something that he would regret. Caitlyn didn’t deserve to be on the other end of angry rebound sex. He needed a few hours to regain a sense of normalcy. He stood up quickly, immediately putting his hands in his pockets.

  Caitlyn followed his lead and smoothed out her apron.

  He looked at her and said, “I have to go, but is there any place where we can grab dinner tonight?”

  He watched her fiddle with the bottom edge of her apron. She bit her lip, tempting him further.

  “De Luca's. It's Italian.”

  “Meet me here at 7?”

  “Sure.”

  “I'll see you then.”

  He stepped right in front of her and wrapped his arms around her. Her fingers ran up his back to complete the embrace, and the softness of her touch sent a tingle of desire through him. He patted her on the back to try to make it friendlier and pulled away quickly.

  “Bye, Murph.”

  “Bye, Fitz,” she said as she opened her eyes and gave a small wave goodbye.

  This is bad, he thought after she closed and locked the door behind him. I should have stayed away. Caitlyn Murphy was anything but trouble in college. He practically had to force her into the college experience. Now, without realizing it, she was going to be nothing but trouble for him. At least he wasn’t going to be here long. He just needed to cool off.

  CHAPTER 3

  Caitlyn's emotions overwhelmed her. She couldn't figure out how she felt about the events of the day. She attempted to work it out on the phone with Alexis while walking home, but all that her friend could offer were fashion tips and strategies for seducing Michael. Alexis begged Caitlyn to allow her to come over, but Caitlyn was resolute in being alone for a while. She wanted to avoid telling Alexis that she didn't want her help getting ready.

  When she got home she attempted to watch television to clear her mind, but the voices and images only served as a background to her racing thoughts. After realizing that her distraction was failing, she turned the television off and started getting ready for her date.

  Is it a date? she wondered. She was completely unaware of his intentions for this encounter. “Encounter” was the word she had finally decided she would use to label it, but even that felt awkward.

  She scrubbed herself hard with a loofah in the shower in an attempt to get the scent of roasted coffee and baked goods off her skin. Most days it was okay, even kind of comforting, but today it made her feel homely and unappealing. She worked the shampoo in her hair into lather and washed and rinsed three times just to be sure not a trace was left.

  Her imagination ran wild, but she dismissed all the scenarios as ridiculous and farfetched. Reality could never live up to the least fantastical of her expectations of what the night would bring, so she tried to stop guessing what would happen.

  She applied her makeup twice. The first time she thought it looked too whorish and figured Alexis could have done a better job. She wanted to do something subtly dramatic, but it turned out those words are contradictory for a reason. The second time she did some research on the internet and found something that was just subtle. Though she was a little disappointed in the ordinariness, the neutral colors and soft strokes accented her natural beauty.

  She went through her closet several times, nervously pulling out and trying on various outfits from casual to formal. Clothes were piled on her bed and hangers were strewn across the floor before she found the perfect outfit.

  Caitlyn moved back to the living room and sat on the couch. She was ready three hours early. She tried the television again, and then her go-to novel, Pride and Prejudice; but within moments of an attempt to relax, she was on her feet pacing the living room and kitchen.

  Finally she decided that she would be more content waiting at the coffee shop, but when she got there she realized that there was nothing to distract her and all she could do was sit and soak in the whirlpool of her emotions.

  First she felt angry. How dare he come in here and discount me so readily, she thought. He was the one that didn't call me or write me back. He's the one that showed up at my business, in my town, on my side of the country. She kneaded her hands apprehensively as she transitioned into sadness.

  It seemed to her that their friendship had not meant much to him. It faded rather quickly after graduation. She became tired of holding up the relationship on her own. She felt as though he did not value her, and that was enough for her to stop trying.

  The emotions that hovered above the rest were love and wonder. She realized that she was angry and sad because she had loved him for so long, and he had taken that for granted. While she hadn't thought of him and how she had felt for him for years, the moment he walked through the door the emotion braided itself into her again. It wasn’t that she loved him again; she didn’t. But being around someone that she did love for a long time was overwhelming.

  Michael had always inspired awe in her. He was humorous and strikingly handsome. He could have an intelligent and interesting conversation with anyone, and most that had met him considered him a friend. She never saw these qualities in herself; plus, she didn't have the courage to attempt intimate connections with people. At this point in her life she could only think of Alexis as a true friend.

  Fourteen years ago Michael made the first several efforts to construct the basis for their friendship.

  As the time drew closer to Michael's arrival, all of Caitlyn's emotions were muted by anxiety and fear. She felt sick. Her head ached and her stomach was turning.

  Her thoughts soon turned to excitement, and personal pride, and power. He didn't know what he was missing, she thought confidently. Now that he's here he won't be able to resist me. I am remarkable and strong. Caitlyn shook her head in confusion. When the hell did she become a walking brochure for women’s empowerment?

  Of course he could resist her. They were friends for four years, and there hadn’t been the slightest indication that he had any interest in her. It didn’t matter. She didn’t want him anyway. Well, she did want him, but, “Damn it!” Caitlyn yelled into the empty room. She almost never swore, but if her thoughts didn’t stop running at a pace that was impossible to keep up with and exhausting her, she was going to challenge a sailor to a cursing contest.

  Caitlyn took a deep breath and pulled her phone out of her clutch.

  “Hello?” said a gruff voice.

  “Hi, Ma.” If anyone could get her mind to stop racing, it was her mother. People who didn’t know Cat Murphy well called her a bitch. Everyone else knew to take what she said with a grain of salt, but when someone is constantly insulting you, it was difficult.

  “Ooh. I’m glad you called. I need you to do me a favor.” This was the typical beginning of conversations with her.

  “What is it?”

  “I need you to pick up a prescription. It’s a new one for my bones. Ortheopeiapoda-something. I don’t remember, but I need it.”

  “You realize that I live 45 minutes away, right Ma?”

  “I figured you could come visit me tomorrow morning and pick it up on the way.”

 
; “I have to work. You know that. Maybe on Sunday, but I can’t guarantee anything.” Caitlyn silently hoped something would come up.

  “But I really need those pills, so you need to come tomorrow.”

  “I’ll call Mrs. Duncan. She’ll pick up the pills for you.”

  “You know that this would be much easier if you moved back to Worcester. You could have your old room in the house.”

  “I’m thirty-three years old. I don’t want to live with my mother. Besides, I told you before that I am happy here. I don’t want to live in the city.” Beyond that, it was likely that her mother would put her in an early grave if Caitlyn lived within 20 minutes of her house.

  “But I need the company.” What she needed was the help, but she wasn’t willing to admit it. That stubborn Irish streak was working against her. Ever since Caitlyn’s father died, her mother was quickly deteriorating. Caitlyn was 99% sure that her mother only ate things that could be cooked in the microwave. She wasn’t that old, just over 60, but no one would guess it.

  “Did you look at the brochures I gave you? There are all sorts of activities and social events.”

  “You’ve lost your mind if you think that I am going to live in a nursing home.”

  “It’s not a nursing home. It’s a 55+ community.”

  “Same thing. You can forget it. Did you call me just to badger me into living in a dormitory for old people?”

  “Nope. Just wanted to say hi.” And to stop her mind from racing, which she had done successfully.

  “You should really call with a purpose. What if I was doing something important and you interrupted just to say hi?”

  “If it’s that important, you probably shouldn’t pick up the phone.”

  Headlight beams passed like a spotlight through the front windows of the shop.

  “I gotta go, Ma. I’ll talk to you later.”