Who We Are

by Samantha Marsh

  “Well dear, we couldn’t have timed that better even if we tried!”

  The two busied themselves preparing dinner. Papa was coming home for dinner tonight and he liked his dinner precisely at six o’clock. When arrived, he seemed unusually chipper. Normally, he was stern and showed very little affection or emotion. Lately though, he seemed more relaxed. As uncharacteristic as it was to have her father so lighthearted, she was not about to do anything to jeopardize his good favour.

  “Good evening, Faith” he said and kissed Mama on the cheek. Turning then to his daughter, he said, “Good evening, my sweet Desire.” He planted a kiss on her forehead. “Did you finish your volunteer poster with your new coloured pencils?”

  Papa looked genuinely interested. Desire put down the spoon she was using to stir the gravy with and ran to get the poster. She brought it to him and stood there, feeling proud of her handiwork but also on guard. She waited for the inevitable criticism. Papa inspected the brightly coloured poster and every word she had meticulously written on it. She had bordered the paper with all sorts of different flowers. The name of the committee appeared across the top in big block letters: First Annual Fun and Games Committee, and she had carefully drawn ten straight lines for folks to sign up. She put her name on the bottom identifying herself as the Committee Chair.

  “Well Desire, this is splendid. I think people will be honoured to sign up for your committee. If you would like, we can take our tea onto the porch after dinner and choose some appropriate games together. I could offer some suggestions for some games you may not have heard of. Perhaps we should also plan some prizes for the children. Maybe Mama can make some caramel popcorn balls.”

  She felt so excited, she let out a little squeal. Papa laughed along with her, but Mama did not. If she didn’t know better, Desire thought Mama looked a little anxious. Oh well, maybe she was feeling a little overwhelmed with all the work that had to be done before the Celebration. Desire decided then and there that she would be sure to be extra helpful and do all she could to help relieve her Mama’s stress.

  After dinner, as promised, Papa took Desire out on the porch. She felt so happy, she thought her face might crack from smiling so much. She wrote down all of Papa’s great ideas in a little notebook he had given her. But most of all, she felt thrilled with the attention Papa was giving her; attention that didn’t involve punishment.

  After they finished their tea, Papa went to the church for a meeting. Desire collected the tea cups and went inside. She didn’t see Mama, but noticed a glow in the sewing room. As she approached the doorway, Desire could hear Mama praying softly.

  “God, I don’t even know if you would listen to a plea from someone like me. I don’t know what I am doing anymore, but I appeal to you anyway: Please watch over Desire and please help her find her way back home.” Tears fell from her eyes.

  Desire went over to her. “What is the matter Mama? Why are you crying? I know you are really busy. I promise to help you with everything so you don’t have to work so hard.”

  Mama swiped her eyes with a handkerchief. “Oh darling, that would be wonderful. I am looking forward to all the fun of the Celebration. I just have a little headache right now that is all. Will you fix me some herbal tea? Perhaps that will help. And if you could sprinkle some headache powder in there, I am sure that is all I need.”

  Desire went to the kitchen right away. She made the tea and took a headache pill out of the glass bottle in the top cupboard. She crushed it up and sprinkled it in the tea. As she fixed the tea, she wondered what Mama meant when she had asked God to help Desire find her way back home.

  I am home. Aren’t I?

  When Desire returned to the sewing room, Mama smiled at her. “Come sit with me, sweetheart.”

  Mama was always so much more relaxed in the sewing room. They sat on the couch together and Desire chattered about all the ideas Papa gave her. Mama listened quietly. When Desire finally ran out of words, they sat in silence for a while as Mama finished her tea.

  “Mama, what did I do to make Papa like me now?”

  “Desire, your Papa does love you and always has. He just wants to do right and wants you to do right.” Mama didn’t offer anything more and Desire knew better than to push.

  “Come now,” Mama said, patting her daughter’s lap. “Time for you to get ready for bed. I need to do some more sewing and I don’t want you to see your special dress just yet. I want it to be a big surprise.”

  Desire kissed Mama’s cheek and ran upstairs. As she changed into her nightgown, and hung up her clothes, she secretly wished tonight was bath night. Her cheeks immediately flushed.

  Stop it, she told herself. You got away with it once. Don’t go and ruin things now!

  She put it out of her mind and distracted herself by studying the notes she took with Papa. Her mind raced with many thoughts all at once. She had so many things to look forward to: Her new dress, leading the committee for Celebration of the New Year, and not to mention actually going to the Celebration! It was all so exciting! She felt so alive and so part of the community, finally. She lay awake for quite a while thinking about all these wonderful things. Eventually, her eyelids got heavy and she drifted off to sleep.

  She was splashing about in a strange green tub in the grass. It was just big enough for her to sit in. The sun was beating on her back and she wore a bright pink bonnet that covered her head. Aside from the hat, she was completely naked. Mammy was lying beside her on a blanket laid out on the grass. Every couple of minutes she would dip her hand in the water and splash her a little bit. She laughed every time she did this. Mammy was so beautiful and loving. She wore a short yellow dress with no straps and shiny red paint on her fingernails. She had golden rings with shiny gems on her long fingers. Mammy’s smile was as warm as the sun shining on her back and it filled her with joy knowing that Mammy’s smile was just for her.

  Chapter Five

  Desire couldn’t wait for Sunday. She added a few more details to her volunteer poster here and there. By Wednesday, Papa took the poster away from her and told her that she was going to ruin it if she kept adding to it.

  On Saturday, she made her weekly trip to the Staple store for supplies. The merriment and anticipation of the upcoming Celebration was in the air. Flowers were in full bloom and the smell of fresh baked goods made her hungry as she walked toward the Staple store. She could picture the sugar melting on sweet rolls and almost taste the biscuits soaked with gravy.

  All the ladies and young girls heading to the Staple store had their large push-carts today. The Celebration was now only two weeks away and there was much to prepare. Everyone needed a variety of items they would not normally stock in their home pantry. They needed special ingredients to make the sweets, the candy and countless other treats for the big day. Desire had a veracious appetite and could picture the endless plates of food she would consume at the Celebration. She thought maybe she should fast all day before the Celebration to make sure she had enough room in her stomach for all the goodies that would be there. Just thinking about it made her stomach groan a little bit.

  As she approached the store, a familiar sense of trepidation filled her. She anticipated another disturbing encounter with Nathaniel. She slipped into the store, not paying much attention to anyone around her. When she got into line, she noticed Constance a few feet ahead of her. Desire tried to capture her attention to tell her about her Fun & Games Committee, but Constance didn’t seem to see her.

  If I didn’t know any better, I would think that she is ignoring me. What was wrong with her? What did I do to make her dislike me so?

  As she stood there puzzled over the cold shoulder Constance was giving her, she heard a familiar voice from behind her. “Hi Desire, how are you today?”

  Johnny definitely had a voice one wouldn’t quickly forget. It was deep and strong yet smooth as honey. What the other girls might have thought was creepy, she found quite attractive. She flushed a little, and felt secretly happy th
at he was there. Desire realized that he hadn’t told anyone about finding her in the forest, which confirmed his promise made to her in this forest.

  She turned around and smiled demurely. “Good morning. Johnny. I am very well, thank you for asking.”

  “Shopping for the Celebration?”

  “Yes. I have a long list that Mama needs. She has so much to do to prepare. I am in charge of the fun and games for the children and Mama is going to make some caramel popcorn balls for prizes.”

  Her excitement couldn’t be concealed as she told him. He grinned in response to her excitement. “Well that sounds like a big job.” If she didn’t know better, he wanted to help her out.

  She couldn’t resist adding, “On Sunday, at the social tea, I will have a sign-up sheet for volunteers who would like to be on my committee.”

  Desire didn’t say anymore, but deep down inside, she hoped he would sign up for her committee. She couldn’t explain how she felt because she wasn’t quite sure herself. Ever since their last encounter in the forest, she had started to feel a strong connection to him. It made no sense to her logically, but it felt like she belonged close to him. Thoughts of him the past few days had stirred up feelings she didn’t know existed. It was all quite peculiar to her, but at the same time, it just felt right.

  “Well I am pretty handy. Maybe I’ll join your committee to make sure the children have some small wooden toys to go with that candy. I am pretty busy though, so I will have to think about it.”

  Desire played coy. “It’s voluntary Johnny, so whether or not you join makes no difference to me, it’s all about the children and the Celebration.” Then, without consciously realizing it, she looked him in the eye and smirked a little.

  Oh please, please, please join my committee!

  Finally, it was her turn in line. Desire felt dismayed to find Nathaniel behind the counter. He greeted her with a sly smile that made her stomach turn over in knots. There was something about him that just made her feel sick.

  “Well, well, well. If it isn’t Desire. I thought I felt the heat rise a little in here.” He leaned over the counter a little. “I wish you would let that fiery red hair of yours down because you are so beautiful, it is sinful. What I wouldn’t give to get you alone.”

  She looked away, not sure how to respond. She didn’t understand what he meant but she was sure it wasn’t something nice. Then she instinctively turned her head back to look at Johnny. Whether he noticed Nathaniel’s inappropriateness or Desire’s unease, he immediately walked over to her.

  “We will wait outside for you to bring Desire her goods.” His voice had a little bit of an edge to it but when he came over to stand beside her, she felt better with him at her side.

  Johnny put his hand on her upper arm and led her out of the store. They sat down on a bench to wait for her goods. She was not sure what to say. She could feel him looking at her and she felt a blush rise in her cheeks.

  “You should stay away from Nathaniel,” Johnny said. “I don’t like the way he looks at you.” Johnny sounded annoyed. Desire nodded in agreement.

  “Do you need some help pushing your cart back home?” Johnny asked.

  I would rather we ran into the forest together to frolic all afternoon!

  She must have blushed a little because her cheeks suddenly felt warm. She cleared her throat, “That would be very nice, Johnny. Sometimes I have a hard time when it’s really heavy. And today we have so many baking supplies I would have to be a donkey to get it all home.”

  Oh no, did I just call him a donkey?

  “Oh, I didn’t mean… it’s just that…” She felt very silly. “I am sorry, Johnny. Sometimes I say stupid things. I didn’t mean to imply that you were a donkey, only that I wasn’t a donkey. Well, no. That’s not it, either. It’s just that they are so strong and sometimes that is what a girl wants. Oh gee…..I don’t want a donkey but a man that is like a donkey.” The more she tried to explain, the worse it got!

  “Ssshh. Desire, you don’t have to explain I understand completely what you want.” He paused for what seemed like an eternity. Once again, time stood still while they gazed into each other’s eyes. “I am happy to help you home.”

  Suddenly, their gaze became interrupted by Constance and a few of her friends coming out of the store. She half smiled as she passed Desire, and when her eyes met Johnny’s, her face twisted into a sneer. As they walked away, Constance and the girls all turned around, looked at the pair on the bench and then turned their heads away again and started giggling and chattering.

  Johnny noted Desire’s disconcerted look. “Ignore those girls, Desire,” he said softly. “They are just sheep anyway.”

  Desire looked at Johnny, confused. She had no idea what he meant.

  I guessed we are all getting animal references today.

  “If you prefer, Desire, you can run along and catch up to your friends and I will bring your goods to you at your home. I don’t want you to alienate yourself from your friends because of me. I know what those girls think of me and I don’t give a shit about that, but I do understand that in social circles these things do matter. I don’t want you to feel left out.” He looked sincere, but a little disappointed too.

  He said he didn’t give a shit? What was a shit?

  Deep down, she really didn’t like those girls anyway. It’s like they were all the same.

  Maybe that’s what he meant by calling them sheep.

  “No.” she declared. “We will walk together and I don’t care who sees. If you do not give a shit, then neither do I!” Her declaration had a lot of conviction in it. Johnny looked relieved, but worried too. He looked around to see who might have been close enough to hear.

  “Desire, you cannot say the word ‘shit’ out loud. It is not something that young ladies are permitted to say. In fact, I could get in trouble for saying it in front of you in public.” He chuckled a little bit, but she just sat there looking bewildered.

  Nathaniel came out with a very full cart that was clearly too heavy for her to pull, push or even drag home. He winked at Desire and licked his lips and then he turned to Johnny and scowled. Johnny didn’t notice, but Desire did and she didn’t understand why Nathaniel looked behaved this way.

  As Johnny pushed the cart, they chatted about little things. She asked him what he did all day. He said his Papa was teaching him everything he knew about carpentry. He had started learning the trade as a young boy, and now he needed to know how make buildings, homes, fences etc. He said he knew it was not the highest position in the community, but it was an important one.

  It didn’t take long to walk to her house. Desire knew Mama was inside so she told Johnny to wait on the porch. Desire found Mama making lunch in the kitchen.

  “Hi Mama, I am back. The list was so long I couldn’t push the cart. Johnny offered to push it back for me. Is that okay? Will Papa be mad?”

  “Desire, that was very nice of Johnny to help you. Papa would be grateful. That is a very gentlemanly and Godly thing for Johnny to do, helping his neighbour.”

  Mama went out to the front porch and asked Johnny in. “Thank you for helping us, Johnny. We have an extra big order today to prepare for the Celebration. Please stay for lunch so we can show our appreciation.”

  Johnny helped empty the cart. He carried the heavy items down to the cellar. Mama instructed her daughter to follow the young man down the stairs and make sure everything got put in its proper place. Desire crept down the stairs and saw Johnny fumbling around.

  “Mama sent me down here to show you where things go.” She walked over to the cold room door and opened it. “I don’t like it down here,” she said. “It’s so cold and dark.”

  She went about placing items in the cold room as Johnny watched her. When she was done in the cold room, she came out and pointed to a shelf at the other end of the room. Together, they put the remaining items neatly on the shelf. Just as they put the last two items up, Johnny’s hand brush over hers and she paused brie
fly. He squeezed it very gently.

  “Desire, when I am here, you needn’t be afraid of the dark. Nothing will ever hurt you when I am around.” She immediately felt warm and flushed. She felt a nagging throbbing in her private parts.

  What is doing to me? I can’t stand the way he makes me feel. It’s like I am yearning for something but I don’t know what it is!

  He led her to the stairway and back upstairs. He gently guided her by placing a hand on either side of her waist. Every time he touched her, a fire ignited inside of her.

  They all sat at the kitchen table and ate lunch. Desire thought that Johnny seemed a little different here in the kitchen. He was probably just being respectful, but Desire wondered if he was more guarded.

  Mama had made big sandwiches with pickles on the side. They each had a big glass of milk and chocolate-chip muffins for dessert. They chatted a little while they ate. Mama asked about Johnny’s apprenticeship. Johnny made sure he didn’t look at Desire unless he answered one of her questions. She didn’t feel offended though because she was trying to avoid unnecessary eye contact as well. She felt certain that if they locked eyes, Mama would notice the heat between them.

  Mama offered Johnny tea after lunch, but he politely declined. He said he had to get back home to do some work in the gardens, as well as mend a fence. Mother and daughter thanked him again for his help. As he walked the front path, Johnny turned and gave Desire a grin that almost made her faint.

  “Take care. Desire. I look forward to that sign-up list for the Fun & Games Committee on Sunday.” He turned and walked in the direction of his house. She watched him walk for a couple of minutes and then went back into the house.

  “What a nice young man.” Mama said. “Do you know Johnny well?”

  “Well, not really, Mama. All the girls my age told me stories about how creepy and weird he is. But spoke a bit while we waited in line at the Staple store and he didn’t seem creepy to me at all. He seems very polite and friendly. He offered to help me when he saw how heavy the cart was. I felt very glad he did because I don’t think I could have pushed it all the way back home.”