Who We Are

by Samantha Marsh

  “Desire, if a woman is incapable of producing a son by a certain age, she is deemed useless in the community.”

  She wanted to ask her mother what she meant, but deep inside she knew the answer. No son, no reason to keep you around. Hemac was not as gentle a community as it seemed. There were harsh punishments and grave intolerances.

  Desire finished her breakfast in silence. She did the dishes and then left to go to Bible study. As she walked toward the church, she secretly hoped that she would run into Johnny. She did not, but she did see Tobias sitting on a bench beside the fountain in the centre of town. She walked over to him and sat down, knowing she was a little early for class.

  Tobias looked at her with an earnest face. “Hello Desire, how are you today?”

  “I am doing okay Tobias. No one was interested in my committee for the Celebration of the New Year and I cannot understand that.”

  Tobias shrugged his shoulders and said nothing. She couldn’t really understand this either. Usually Tobias had words of wisdom and comfort, but today he seemed a little sad.

  “What is wrong Tobias? Are you feeling okay today?”

  He looked up at her. If she didn’t know better, she would say he looked surprised that she had noticed. “My old bones are just a little sore today my dear, I will be fine. I think a good walk around in the sunshine should loosen things up.” He steadied himself using the armrest on the bench and rose to his feet. He got his cane leaning against the bench and then bid her farewell.

  As he hobbled away slowly, Desire turned back toward the church and proceeded to Bible study. When she approached the church, she could see Constance and a few of the other girls sitting on the church steps. They were all chatting and giggling. When Desire approached them, they stopped talking abruptly.

  Desire mustered up her courage and acted like everything was normal. “Good morning! How are you all this morning?” She stood there waiting for them to respond to her. Constance, who usually faked being polite in public, gave her a look of contempt and then replied in a snotty voice, “Good morning to you, Desire. You must think you are pretty special now that you don’t have to walk around as the town freak. Your head must feel so much lighter without an ugly scarf atop it and your legs must feel so light without those ugly man shoes and heavy skirts.”

  Constance turned to the other girls standing around her and continued talking. “You know girls, sometimes there are things in life that are best left a mystery. I guess not all caterpillars turn into butterflies when they come out of their cocoons.” She turned and eyeballed Desire up and down and then sneered. She promptly got up and all the other girls started to follow.

  What was wrong with Constance? Why was she being so cruel?

  Then she heard Constance utter to one of the other girls, “No wonder that creep Johnny likes her.” Constance disappeared into the church with her flock of sheep following her. She giggled to herself as she remembered Johnny calling them all sheep.

  One of the girls, Ruth stayed behind for a moment. Ruth was a little awkward. She wore glasses and was extremely tall for her age and painfully thin. She looked down at Desire and said, “I can tell you why she is being so hateful.”

  Desire looked at Ruth with questioning eyes.

  “Desire, you are really naïve. Perhaps it’s because you don’t have any siblings to learn from.” She paused for a moment to look at the door of the church. “Constance is furious because she was not picked to lead any church committee and you are the first girl of our age to be chosen. She is also fuming because of the change in your appearance.” Desire looked down at herself and though she knew her appearance had changed dramatically recently, she couldn’t understand why this would make her hated.

  “Don’t you get it? You are the most beautiful girl in our community! All the girls are jealous of your beautiful hair, your green eyes and not to mention your porcelain-white skin. You are like a swan, Desire, and you don’t even realize it. Constance overheard some of the adults talking when she served dinner at a recent church meeting. All the parents of young men have you at the top of the list to court and possibly marry. And have you noticed how the boys always stare at you when you walk by? They don’t stare at the rest of us. Constance is simply envious. Despite always having the prettiest dresses and ribbons and the shiniest shoes, she is nothing special. If I were you, I would watch out for her. She may act prim and proper, but she has a real mean streak in her.”

  Ruth stopped and looked around again, perhaps regretting confiding in Desire. “I think a part of all of us are a little jealous of your curious and mischievous side. We all pretty much do what we are told to do and, frankly, that is pretty boring.”

  Desire thought about all that Ruth had said and then kind of felt a pang of sympathy for her. She felt sure that Constance was probably not much nicer to Ruth than she had just been to Desire, but probably kept her close as a follower. Desire knew what it was like to constantly be on the periphery, but she suspected that she could tolerate it a little better than Ruth.

  “Ruth, I could really use some help with the Fun and Games committee. Would you be interested in helping me to run them at the Celebration of the New Year?”

  Ruth looked at her and thought about it for a minute. She hesitated before answering, “I would like to, very much…but, ”. Ruth looked down at the ground and then back at the church door. Desire knew what the problem was. Although she was on the periphery of Constance’s group, befriending Desire would only ostracize her more.

  “It’s okay, Ruth. I understand. You’d better get to Bible study. I won’t come in with you. I will follow in a couple of minutes.”

  Ruth nodded without looking directly at her and headed up the steps to the church door. When she got to the top, she turned around. “Thank you Desire. I wish I had a little more courage, like you do.”

  Desire thought that was a strange thing for Ruth to say. Desire had never thought of herself as courageous. Mostly she had thought of herself as impulsive and foolish for always getting into trouble when she knew better. She waited a couple minutes more and then went into the church.

  Desire entered the classroom in the basement used for Bible study and took a seat at the back of the room. The teacher today was Noah. He was not a church elder. He ran the staple store and today they were going to learn about how to stock a proper family home. The lesson was so boring. All of the girls were actively involved in running their parents’ households so they should know all of this.

  After two long hours, the lesson finally finished. Desire quickly left the classroom and headed outside. She was not in the mood to have further contact with any of the other girls. Although she had an afternoon of chores to complete, she didn’t rush. Mama was at the celebration hall with many of the other town ladies. Desire knew that Mama would eat lunch there with the ladies before then all began preparations for the Celebration.

  Today would be a perfect day to work on her games and prizes, but it dawned on her that she didn’t know how to contact Johnny. He just always seemed to appear. She did not have a clue where his family lived, but she did know where the carpentry shop was. It would take her about ten minutes to get there. The shop was a huge brick workshop with massive doors that opened outward. She entered the workshop through the little office that was attached to it. There was no one in the office and it was so dusty inside she sneezed four times in a row.

  She called out for Johnny. “Hello, Johnny? Is anyone here?”

  Perhaps Johnny and his father were working in the shop and could not hear her. She saw a doorway that connected the office to the shop. She opened it and the entire workshop was in darkness. She search for a light switch and found one just to the left of the entranceway. The light blinded her momentarily and when she regained her vision she was a little shocked at what she saw.

  She had envisioned a large workshop with many projects on the go. What she saw was very confusing. The workshop itself was massive, probably about a quarter of a
n acre. But to her surprise, she did not see any lumber or wood pieces. There were no tools, no work benches and no drawings of projects to be completed. There were a couple of pieces of large machinery but they were all silent; none were currently operating. As she was walked toward the back of the shop, she noticed that there was no sawdust on the floor. A little chill ran down her spine as she continued toward the back of the shop.

  She saw something in the back corner. There was a little working table with a stool beside it. As she approached the table, she immediately recognized the project on top. There were about a dozen unfinished toys on the table. They were similar to the ones Johnny had brought to the church to show her. She picked up a little wagon that hadn’t yet been painted. The work was exquisite. There were also a few little figures and some spinning tops. She put down the wagon and continued looking around. She sat down on the stool and imagined Johnny working on these little toys. She could see his strong hands delicately carving and painting the little toys. She picked up a little wooden tug boat and squinted to see the writing on the side. Boston Harbour. This jolted her and in her mind’s eye, she saw Johnny sitting across from her, teasing and poking her. They were in some strange compartment and out of the window she could see a huge body of water filled with boats. In a flash, it was gone.

  Gee whiz, my mind is playing such tricks on me lately.

  She continued to inspect each of the little toys. They were all magnificent and must have taken him hours to perfect. She put the toys down and looked around her.

  Why is this workshop so empty? She knew that items were regularly produced here. She often saw people carrying furniture items to their homes. Johnny had told her that his father was mentoring him to take over as the master carpenter in the community.

  What was he mentoring him to do? Was he learning how to sit in an empty workshop and sweep sawdust?

  Beside the table was a shelf with a few tools and some paints. There was a little sink along the back wall just big enough to wash your hands. There was a door at the back of the workshop. She got off the stool and headed toward that doorway. The workshop backed directly onto the forest. When she opened the door she could almost step right into the forest. She smiled when she saw this. There were no other houses around so she knew could sneak into the forest undetected.

  Well, I may as well go exploring. Perhaps I can find my way back to my vegetable field. She paused for a moment and mentally mapped out which direction she should head in the forest to find her way back home. Confident that she could find her way, she closed the door behind her and went into the forest.

  Once she was about a hundred feet into the forest, she stopped to remove her shoes and stockings. She just loved the feeling of the fresh forest grass and dirt on her feet. As she walked in the direction she thought would take her home, she took care not to step on any flowers. She decided to wade through the creek as she walked toward her fields. Little frogs and minnows were at her feet and the cool water felt so good. She hiked her skirt up high, knowing that the yellow material would not be forgiving if she got it wet or dirty.

  Then she had a sudden impulse. She removed her clothing—all of it—and lay down in the creek. The water rushing over her body felt so refreshing. She felt completely at one with nature. It didn’t even occur to her that someone may be watching; after all she was the only one in the community that seemed to defy the rules. Well, her and Johnny. She sat up and heard something in the bushes beside the creek.

  Oh no, I am in big trouble now. She sat still as a rabbit for what seemed to be eternity. Finally, convinced that it was a rabbit in the bushes, she got up and started to head toward the creek’s edge to let the sun dry her body off. As she stepped out of the creek, she heard a branch snap and she looked up. Staring at her from the creek’s edge was Nathaniel.

  Oh dear, what am I going to do?

  She covered her private parts as best she could with her hands. “Nathaniel, please look away. I know I am in big trouble, but please don’t tell on me. The creek is just so refreshing I wanted to lay down and feel how wonderful nature could be. If you tell, my Papa will beat me until you can’t tell who I am.” She looked up earnestly at Nathaniel.

  He didn’t say anything. He just stood there looking at her. His eyes travelled up and down her body and as they did she felt dirty.

  “Nathaniel, please turn around so I may put my clothes back on It is not proper for you to see me like this.”

  He just stared at her, hands in his pockets and did not say a word. A chill ran down her spine and suddenly the forest seemed dark and cold. She began to walk toward her clothing but he walked toward her and put himself between her and the clothing she had laid on a creek side rock.

  “Nathaniel, this is not funny. Please move.” Before she knew what was happening he was right there in front of her. His hands were out of his pockets and grabbed her wrists. His eyes looked cold and mean. “Now you be quiet, my sweet. If you yell, you will only get yourself into trouble. With your reputation, all I need to say is that you stripped in front of me and tempted me with your flaming hair and naked body.”

  Desire knew this was probably true. Fear totally disabled her body and mind. Tears started flowing from her eyes because she knew that something very bad was about to happen. He pulled a bandana out of his pocket and tied it over her mouth.

  “You little bitch. Why the fuck would you hook up with a slime ball like Johnny. I am all the man you will ever need. You are such a peach I can’t wait to bite into you. You need someone to tame you and put that wild streak in you to good use. Don’t you know that women aren’t worth shit? You are here only to serve us, and serve me you shall.” As Nathaniel spoke, his voice changed. It got meaner but also different, it was like he speaking a different language.

  He pulled her close to him and turned her around. He held her tight with her back to him. One arm was around her waist and he pulled her close to him while his other hand ran up and down her nude body stopping to caress her soft skin. She could hear his deep breathing in her ear and he was whispering. “I have waited for this and imagined hundred times how I would possess you.” He violently shoved her face down on the forest floor. He straddled her thighs and started to rub her behind, but there was nothing gentle about it. He bent down and started to kiss her back. It wasn’t like Johnny’s kisses. These were hard and scary. She tried to wiggle free, but he was too strong. His hands groped her bosom roughly and if she protested too much, he grabbed a handful of her hair and yanked it really hard.

  It was at that moment that it felt like her spirit disconnected from her body. It was like an angel had lifted her soul out of her physical body and she floated above the forest floor. She could see herself lying there, but was helpless to do anything. She could hear him unzip his pants and when she turned her head she could see that he was exposed. She tried to scream out but her mouth was bound tight with a bandana.

  She closed her eyes and just lay there, helpless to defend herself against this monstrous act. She was filled with fear in anticipation of what might come next. Her mind wandered and she imagined herself plunging off the end of the forest into the fiery pits of hell. She was sure even her strict Papa would not condone what was happening to her now. Nathaniel smacked her hard on the bottom and called her a bitch.

  “You are a dirty little whore and now you are my dirty whore.”

  Just when she thought there was no hope for this to stop, she heard a thud. Instantly, it all stopped. Her head was turned to one side, eating dirt as she endured this nightmare.

  “What the fuck are you doing here?” she heard Nathaniel say. Although her eyes were swollen from crying and blurry from the dirt that got into them, she could make out Johnny on top of Nathaniel. He was beating him and calling him a son of a bitch. Nathaniel recovered though and shoved Johnny off of him. He pulled his pants up and looked down at Johnny and then at her.

  “You got lucky this time, next time I will make sure your little boyfriend here d
oesn’t interrupt us.” He turned and took off running into the forest.

  Desire lay her head in the mud below her face and started to cry.

  She felt two strong arms turn her over and pick her up. Johnny was staring down at her and he was crying. “I am so sorry, my love. I have failed you.” He wrapped her tight in his arms. She looked up into his eyes and then buried her head in his chest. He tightened his embrace around her. It was the last thing she remembered that day.

  Chapter Eleven

  Her eyes opened slowly. As her vision came into focus she saw a blazing fireplace across the room. Directly beside the fireplace she saw Johnny, sitting forward in a chair staring at her. As her vision cleared, so did her mind. The morning’s events came flooding back to her and she bolted up, jumped off the couch and she began to run. Johnny caught her in his arms. He held on tight and as she fought him and hit him to let her go. Johnny did not give in. She stopped resisting and gave in to his embrace.

  “You are safe now,” he said as he held her close. “I am so sorry that I did not protect you from him. I will never forgive myself.” Johnny started to cry. It was the saddest sound she had ever heard. She cried with him. They collapsed on the couch, wrapped in each other’s arms.

  “Desire,” he whispered after many moments. “We need to talk. Now is not the time, but there is a lot you need to know.” Desire drew away to gaze at Johnny. He looked very serious. He pulled her closer to him as if worried that she might disappear. She closed her eyes and drifted off into a tormented sleep.

  When she re-awoke, the orange flames in the fireplace were once again the first thing she saw. And again, the events of the day struck her. She felt violated and ruined. Dirty, oh so dirty is how she felt. Her mind wandered back to what Nathaniel had done to her.

  Why did he do that? What would he have done if Johnny didn’t show up when he did?