Shuddering, Desire wrapped her arms tighter around Johnny. He responded by strengthening his embrace around her. They lay there, not saying anything, for a long time. Desire felt safe but scared at the same time.
After a while, Desire sat up and declared, “I don’t want to go home, Johnny. I only feel safe with you. What if other boys are waiting to do those things to me? What if my parents can tell that I am a dirty girl now? I don’t know what to do.” Tears began to stream down her face. She wished she and Johnny could just run away and leave all the bad memories behind them.
Johnny kissed her forehead and told her to lie down and rest. He got up and left the room for several minutes. When he reappeared, he picked her up in his arms and carried her up the stairs. They came to a little door and he nudged it open with his foot. He laid her on the bed gently and removed her clothing. This time, she did not feel scared. She knew instinctively that Johnny would never hurt her. When she lay there naked, he looked at her and then gently turned her over. She heard him wince. “Desire, you have some cuts and scrapes on your back. I am going to clean them.” He went into the bathroom and came back with a clean towel and a little bowl of water. “I am sorry if this hurts, but we must clean them so they do not become infected.” He bent down and kissed her on the back of her head. He then gently dabbed each of the cuts on her back. It did sting a little, but in comparison to what she had endured that morning it was nothing at all.
When he was done, he turned her back over and told her to wait. He took his clothes off and laid them on the chair beside his bed. He picked her up into his arms and carried her into the bathroom. He stepped into the tub, with her in his arms and gently lowered them into the tub. Cradling her in his arms, they lay there and enjoyed a hot bath filled with lavender-scented water. He kissed her head over and over again apologizing for not protecting her.
Using a soft white cloth, Johnny gently bathed Desire. Thought still sore from Nathaniel’s attack, she had never felt more warm and safe in her entire life. She loved Aedan so much it hurt her heart.
She popped her head up like a jack-in-the-box from the tub. Aedan? Who was Aedan? It is Johnny I love! I don’t even know anyone named Aedan!
“Desire, what is it?”
She rubbed her eyes and convinced herself that the trauma of the day had affected her mind. She lay her head back onto Johnny’s chest and closed her eyes. “I love you,” she murmured as she drifted off to sleep.
When she opened her eyes again, Desire saw Papa standing above her. She bolted upright, ignoring the stinging sensations across her back. She looked around and found that she was laying in her bed in her own room. Her mind raced. She had trouble deciding what was real and what was not. She started to cry and couldn’t stop. Her Papa sat down on her bed and hugged her. She completely lost control and sobbed in her Papa’s arms. Papa only sat there and embraced her, not sure what to think.
Once she calmed down, he held her at arm’s length and looked at her. “My goodness, daughter, what is the matter?”
“Oh Papa,” she started a thread of a story, knowing that she could not tell him what had actually happened, for everyone’s sake. “No one wanted to be on my committee and the girls my age are so mean.” She looked up at Papa and he seemed relieved. She buried her head in his chest, worried that her eyes might betray her words. “Why don’t you lay down and rest darling, clearly you are overwhelmed by all the activities around you.” Things are a little confusing, I am sure, as you grow into a young woman. You must remember your place. Your place in the community is to serve your man and that is all. If you learn how to do that well, you will have nothing to worry about or fear.”
A chill ran down her spine and she felt nauseous as she remembered Nathaniel uttering similar words as he was attacking her. She closed her eyes to avoid her Papa’s gaze. She felt so sickened by the memory that she sat up in the bed and vomited all over her father.
“Son of a bitch!” Her Papa left up off her bedside. “Faith, get your ass up here now and tend to this stupid girl.” Clearly irritated, he turned and stormed out of the room.
Feeling like she might throw up again, Desire thought to get out of bed. As she did so, she slipped and fell flat on her face. A sharp pain shot up the left side of her face as she landed squarely on the wood floor.
“Oh dear, what has happened?” She heard her mother scurry in and bend down to her side. “Desire, are you okay? Get up sweetheart and get back in your bed.” Desire’s face was throbbing and she still felt nauseous. All of a sudden, hearing her father’s words, the images of the day flashed in her mind as if she were back in that awful moment in the forest. Her head spun ferociously and she longed for Johnny to come and scoop her up to safety.
When she looked up at her mother, Desire could see that she had a puzzled looked on her face and was trying to determine what was wrong with her daughter. Knowing that she needed to keep her secret safe, Desire spoke quickly. “Mama, I ate some lunch meat that looked a little off. I think I may have a fever or a little food poisoning.” She lay her head back down on her pillow and wished that her parents would just leave her alone in her room.
Her mother cleaned up her floor and then went downstairs. She returned in a couple of minutes with a cup of ginger tea. She set it on Desire’s bedside table and bent down to give her a kiss on her forehead.
“I will throw out all of that icky meat my dear, now you rest your tummy and you’ll feel better in the morning.” She kissed her cheek quietly left and closed the door behind her.
Desire buried her head in her pillow and cried quietly. She wept until it felt like she could weep no more. What Nathaniel had done to her that day made her want to vomit again. She managed to get up on a steady foot and walked to her window. She slid it open to let in cool night air. As she did so, she saw a shadowy figure in the street in front of her house. Terrified that it might be Nathaniel she stepped back from the window.
What can I do? I can’t tell my parents. Who would believe me?
She crept back over the window and looked out. The figure was gone and she exhaled in relief. It was probably just her mind playing tricks on her. Heading into the bathroom, her stomach started to settle a little bit. She ran some cool water over her face and then patted it dry gently. She brushed her teeth and grabbed her robe from the hook on the back of the door. Normally, she didn’t sleep in her robe, but tonight she wanted to be extra bundled. She turned off the bathroom light and walked to her bedroom incomplete darkness. As she closed the door, two strong arms grabbed her from behind. She was about to scream but her mouth was quickly covered by a large manly hand.
“Desire, don’t be frightened, I am here to protect you.” She instantly recognized the voice and her body relaxed. She turned to see Johnny behind her. “I am sorry to be so aggressive, but if you screamed I knew your parents would hear. I will stay the night with you so that you can sleep in peace, and I will know you are safe and unafraid of the night.” Johnny guided her to the bed and lay down beside her. He wrapped his arms around her and held her tight. He kissed the back of her head and whispered his love in her ears. The strength in his arms seemed to push the memories of the day out of her mind and she closed her eyes in a peaceful slumber.
Chapter Twelve
As the morning sun peeked through her window Desire woke up, alone in her bed. She sat up and rubbed her eyes. No sign of Johnny. He must have slipped out before the morning sun came out. Despite yesterday’s horror, she had rested peacefully in Johnny’s arms. Her head stilled throbbed from where she had slipped on her bedroom floor. She turned her head slowly, testing the pain, and saw the little wooden figure of herself on her bedside table. How did that get there? She did not remember taking it out of her pocket. She reached over and picked it up. She noted that the top and bottom were not aligned so she popped it open to straighten it out. Inside, she found a new note. She unrolled the tiny piece of paper and read the message: I had to go but I will never be far away again. I will never forgive myself.
J.
Desire stuffed the note into her china doll’s other shoe and put the two halves of the figure back together. She got up out of her bed and wandered over to her window. The amber glow of sunrise blanketed the town; it looked so peaceful. Looking out into the community she felt fear simmering inside of her. Tears fell down her cheeks. How can I possibly go out there today? Mama and Papa will be out all day.
She decided she would not go out today; rather, she would stay home and do house chores. Even though today was vegetable-picking day—her favourite of all the chores—she knew that she would not go anywhere near the forest today and possibly never again. It was no longer a place of solace and freedom for her. It was an evil place and Nathaniel was the devil that caught her. She shuddered and fought back the tears.
Desire walked across the hall to the bathroom. She splashed cold water over her face to calm the puffiness around her eyes. Slipping her nightgown off her shoulders and letting it fall to her waist, she turned slightly to look at her back in the mirror. She lost count of the tiny cuts and scrapes.
Desire took an extra soft wrap for her bosom this morning. Over that, she wore her usual blouse and covered herself further with a heavy sweater. She put on an old pair of heavy stockings rather than the thigh high stockings. She got a light scarf from her dresser drawer, pinned up her hair and covered it with the scarf. Feeling sufficiently covered, she went downstairs.
Her parents were not out of bed yet, so she took to warming the stove to make breakfast and boil water for tea. Then she sat at the table and made a list of all the chores she would do throughout the day. If I keep myself busy, I won’t have a single second to ruminate about yesterday.
When the kettle whistled, she added the hot water to the tea pot. She chose chamomile tea as it usually relaxed her a little when she was tense. She finished her chore list while she sipped her hot tea. Reviewing the long list, she thought to herself, if nothing else, Mama and Papa will be pleased when they see all I will accomplish today.
Satisfied with her day plan, she got up to cook breakfast. She made fresh butter rolls, bacon, eggs and fried potatoes. As she finished the last of the bacon, she heard Papa’s heavy footsteps on the stairs.
“Good morning, Desire. You seem to be feeling much better this morning.”
She only nodded at Papa, remembering his stinging words from last night. She pulled a mug from a rack to pour him some coffee. She placed the almost-full mug it in front of him along with a tray of cream and sugar. As she turned to fix him his breakfast plate, he grabbed her arm gently, and pulled her slightly to him.
“Desire, I said some harsh words to you last night. Having you go sick on me was… unpleasant, and I reacted to that. I want you to know that.” He gave her arm a gentle squeeze and let go. She half smiled at him, recognizing his way of apologizing.
Desire then heard her mother moving around upstairs so she fixed all of the breakfast plates. As she placed her own plate on the table, Mama entered the kitchen. Mama looked at her daughter and smiled brightly. “My goodness! What a lovely surprise to wake up to! You must feel much better, sweetheart!”
“I do, Mama. Thank you.”
“However, dear daughter, I must ask you, why are you wearing your old scarf and such heavy clothes? Don’t you like your new clothing?” Desire shrugged. “I feel a lot better, but still a little bit unwell, so thought I would stay home and do chores, that way if I felt sick again, I wouldn’t make at scene at Bible study. Is that okay?” Mama looked at Papa, who only closed his eyes in agreement.
They ate quietly for a few minutes and Mama noticed the list on the table. She picked it up and read it. “You’ve made an ambitious list. Are these the all the chores you plan to complete this week?” “I hope to complete it all today,” Desire said, perhaps a little too confidently.
Papa looked up and took the list from Mama. He took his time reading it from top to bottom. “Your mother is right. This is a mighty ambitious list.” He took a few more bites of food and a swallow of coffee. “Well, I certainly don’t want you getting sick on anyone in Bible study, so I suppose it would be best.”
Desire breathed an inner sigh of relief.
After breakfast, Papa rose from the table and announced, “I have to go to Work for a couple of days and won’t be back until Thursday supper.” He disappeared into his office and closed the door behind him. Mama and Desire tidied up the kitchen. When they were just about done, Papa reappeared in the kitchen and kissed them each on the cheek before heading to Work.
Mama poured two more cups of hot coffee, put them on the table and patted the seat beside her for Desire to sit down. She touched the scarf on her daughter’s head. “Desire, why did you wrap up your hair?”
It never occurred to Desire that Mama might think this was peculiar. She wanted to say that she didn’t want to stand out didn’t want any boys staring at her, but she didn’t. “I just covered it up so it wouldn’t get dirty and dusty with all the chores I hope to accomplish today. I want to surprise you Mama so you don’t have to do extra work in addition to the preparations for the Celebration.”
Her mother looked at her, and if Desire didn’t know any better, she would think that her mother saw straight through her lies. She put her hand on Desire’s and rubbed it a little.
“That is so sweet Desire, thank you. The preparations are actually going very well. Today though, all the ladies in town are going to the clinic for a check-up. That usually takes all day but isn’t so bad for me because I usually fall asleep and before I know it, it’s over.” She sighed, gave her daughter a squeeze and went upstairs to get ready to leave for the day. Desire felt so pleased about her plan to stay inside the house all day. She couldn’t bear the thought of walking around the town. What if she ran into Nathaniel? Was Nathaniel even still alive? What if Johnny killed him? She secretly hoped he had. If he was still alive, she was pretty sure he wouldn’t tell anyone. Although she still didn’t know everything about what men and women did together alone with each other, she knew that what happened yesterday in the forest was not right. What Nathaniel had done seemed so barbaric compared to the tender moments spent with Johnny. If not for the memory of her time with Johnny, she might think that what Nathaniel did was normal. If that was the norm, she would rather run to the edge of the forest and jump into the fiery pits of hell.
Maybe Nathaniel was counting on my ignorance for his own gain. He probably thinks he can trick me into letting him do more nasty things to me because he thinks I am stupid and don’t know any better.
Mama came back downstairs without Desire noticing and her voice gave Desire a start. She looked up at her Mama. “No, Mama. Nothing to talk about.”
“Well, you do look tired. Don’t fret if you don’t get your overambitious list completed today. Take some time to rest, okay?” Desire nodded as Mama kissed her forehead and headed out the door.
Desire suddenly felt very alone and unsafe. She ran around the house making sure all the window latches were secured. She put a chair under the doorknobs of the front and back door. She pulled all the curtains at the back of the house, but not the front as she didn’t want the neighbours to get curious. By the time she was done, she was shaking. She sat in the kitchen chair and put her head on the table and started to cry not even entirely sure why.
Although Nathaniel had hurt her, it wasn’t the physical pain she was crying over. She felt so humiliated and so… dirty. Even worse, Johnny had seen Nathaniel doing those things to her. Johnny must think I am damaged and ruined now! She had so many questions, but she didn’t have anyone to ask. She suddenly felt very angry. She remembered her face smashed into the dirt. Who did he think he was? How dare he?!
Looking at her list on the table, and recalling the pact she made with herself to not waste the day reliving the prior day’s events, Desire decided to get right to work. She scrubbed the floors with a violent fervor. She got every morsel of dirt that had the audacity to stick to her floors. She scrubbed and scrubbed
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When she reached the corner of the final room, she suddenly felt unsafe again. She ran down to the cold cellar, hoping she would feel safe there.
When she reached the bottom of the dark stairwell, two manly hands gripped her. She did not feel frightened, though. These hands were familiar to her and the beckoning hands drew her into a reassuring hug. She melted into the embrace and sobbed. . He sobbed too.
“Desire, please don’t cry,” was all he could choke out.
She looked up at him, hugged him tighter, buried her face in his chest and breathed him in. He smelled of sawdust, but to her that was comforting.
“Johnny, I don’t want to imagine what you must think of me. Do you think I am dirty now?”
Johnny looked down at her with the sad eyes. “Desire, you are my one true love and I should have protected you. I should have been there to prevent Nathaniel from hurting you. What he did to you was wrong, very wrong.”
“I thought so. I can’t stand to think that what he did is… normal. Is it?”
“No, Desire. It’s not. But I want you to know that a man’s touch can be gentle and loving. Will you let me show you?”
Desire wanted nothing more than to erase the awful memory of yesterday. She felt scared, but she also trusted Johnny. She knew deep in her heart that he was her soul mate. She told him so. “Johnny, I trust you. I don’t know why but something deep inside tells me so. I love you and I don’t even know why.”
He took her by the hand and led her upstairs. When they reached her bedroom, he slowly began to undress her. As he did, he saw the cuts and scrapes on her back. “Oh baby girl, I failed you. For the rest of my life, I will try to make that up to you.” He placed his hands on either side of her face and kissed her gently at first and then hungrily. He wanted her so badly he felt as if he would explode. He wanted to be gentle, knowing that she had been hurt. He wanted her to feel safe and loved. He was plagued with the flashbacks of what Nathaniel had done to his sweet Darby.
Who We Are Page 11