No Holding Back

by Dresden, Amanda

  “Chris…”

  Louder and louder they became. She felt the beat, the drums, and the rhythm.

  “Chris!”

  She kept going, letting nothing stop her. She felt the song and every note as it came alive in her hands. They stung like mad, but she ignored it. She only cared about the music as it carried her like a marionette on strings.

  “CHRIS!”

  Chris woke abruptly from her daydream and she felt her heart pounding like thunder from within her chest. But more importantly, she felt a little pissed that someone jerked her from her zone.

  “What?!” she asked rudely, but regretted her attitude when she looked at Wade.

  “I called your name like a dozen times. You do that shit all the time?” he asked.

  Meanwhile, Joe and Os stared at her so intensely, her face started to burn, but she knew they had the same nagging question and so she did her best to fish for an answer.

  “I-It’s nothing. I just got a little carried away.”

  Wade shook his head in disbelief.

  “Alright, whatever. Get your stuff and come with me.”

  Chris wondered what was going on, but when she looked to Joe for answers, her only gave her an absurd grin. Knowing she would get nothing more, she turned and followed Wade obediently.

  Chris fisted her drumsticks and grabbed her backpack and stopped short of Wade near the back of the bus.

  “This is where you can bed down.”

  As soon as Wade slid the plastic partition aside, Chris stared in awe at the part of the bus that was all hers.

  “This…was Hess’ room,” he began with some difficulty. "But as you probably already know, no one’s slept here for months. Sheets and bed are clean and they’re all yours.”

  Chris held her breath as she crossed the threshold into Hess’ room. It was a lot to take for her to take in and she couldn’t help but stare at the bed as though it was a priceless artifact in a museum.

  Chris thought for sure she would die happy now. As she looked about her small living quarters, she was on cloud nine. Despite the charges against Hess, she didn’t feel any less fortunate standing in the same room where Josh Hennison lived and breathed.

  “Let me know if you need anything,” Wade said, almost startling from her daydreaming. “Enjoy,” was the last thing he said before he gave her a fake smile and disappeared behind the partition.

  Now that she was alone, Chris spun in a complete circle while she stood in the middle of the room, trying to take in the fact that this was all hers; a small room, a small bed with a few pieces of trash on the carpeted floor - nothing she couldn’t handle. Then, she walked over to what looked like a closet and slid one of the metal doors to the side. Inside, there was nothing but a few empty hangers, beer cans, and cigarette butts. After she added her backpack to the mess, she closed it again.

  When she looked at the wall on the other side of the room, she saw a large cork board hanging at eye level. She inspected it as she walked closer and found that it was nearly filled to the brim with pictures, ticket stubs, phone numbers, and other paraphernalia about the bands’ success. Upon closer inspection, she noticed that nearly all of them were of Os and Hess with just a few others of partially nude groupies. It struck her as odd when she saw more pictures of the two of them than anyone else, but didn’t give it any further thought. Now, she only wanted to sleep in a real bed. And so she plopped down on the mattress, pulled the blinds on the only window in her room, and fell into a welcomed mess of pillows and blankets.

  Chapter 5

  “Chris!”

  Pounding came from just outside her door. That, or she shared her room with a thunderstorm.

  “Yo! Chris!”

  She got to her feet but was disoriented in the darkness. She fumbled around trying to find the small latch on the partition, but if it hadn’t been for Wade’s voice, she would have completely forgotten where she was.

  Finally, she found the latch and slid the partition open a crack.

  “Yeah?” she croaked out.

  “Whoa, sorry. Did I wake you?”

  Chris rubbed the blurry vision of Wade from her eyes and shook her head a few times.

  “Where are we? What time is it?” she asked. She looked behind her at the window, but the shades were drawn. Still, she knew it was pitch black outside.

  “We’re about an hour from Vegas. It’s almost midnight a-.”

  “We’re not moving?” she noticed.

  “Correct. We stopped just across the street to get some food. You game?”

  “You…want me to go in with you guys?”

  At first, Wade was caught a little off guard by her question.

  “Why wouldn’t we? Besides, we won’t need you disguised until we get to California. So just come in and hang out with us.”

  Wade tried to sound optimistic and upbeat but Chris wasn’t buying.

  “It’s probably better if I just stay here. Could you bring something back for me?”

  Wade felt a pang of guilt for what he was asking Chris to do while with Heretic, but he did his best to put it aside for now - for the love of music.

  He nodded and licked his lips. “Okay, you got it. What do you want?”

  “Dude! Wade! C’mon, man! I’m hungry!” Os groaned from the front.

  “In a minute!” he shot back. “Look: are you sure you don’t wanna come? I can ju-.”

  “Yeah. I’m sure. Just get me somethin’ with fries!” she said a little too excitedly.

  “Fuck you, man! I’m goin’!” came Os’ angry voice again.

  Even though Chris couldn’t see him, she glared in Os’ direction and thought it wouldn’t hurt him to miss a meal.

  “They’re not gonna run outta food, fat ass!” Wade retorted. Chris smiled when Wade voiced her thoughts for her, but when he looked back at her, she tried hiding her delight behind her sleeve. “Look, we’ll be back in about an hour, alright?”

  She nodded, “Okay,” but Wade had already left.

  Chris waited by her doorway a few moments longer until she felt a shift of weight leaving the bus. Soon, all was silent again. She went over to the window by the bed and saw that even Pete accompanied them into the diner. When she knew she had the bus to herself, she sprawled back out on the bed and yawned, feeling her eyes close on her again.

  Wade was thankful that Pete spotted the run-down diner before they hit the big city. If they had stopped in Vegas, there’d be no way in hell they could enjoy a hot meal before being discovered by music fans. From the start, Heretic learned right away to avoid popular restaurants altogether.

  Mike had spilled the beans earlier that he was being hounded from all sides asking about Heretic’s new drummer, but his agent hadn’t spilled a single word - just the way Wade liked it. Wade resolved to put up with the ruthless onslaught of the media for the rest of his life if he had to, just so they could go on playing. But at that moment, all he wanted was a little peace and quiet.

  They all sat in relative silence at the table; Pete with his monstrous bowl of chili, Joe with his BBQ beef, Os had a Rueben and fries, and Wade had already devoured all of his poor boy with au jus. He gripped the white Styrofoam container that held Chris’ meal and got up from his seat preparing to walk back to the bus.

  “Hey, Os. Get the tip, will ya? I’m headin’ back.”

  Wade wiped his mouth with his napkin and grabbed the ticket off the table while his brother belched in response.

  He walked up to the counter, handed the cashier a few twenties and tucked the container under his arm.

  With stomachs full and moods considerably lifted, they all left the dimly lit diner and headed back to their traveling home.

  Pete unlocked the bus and went in first. He took his seat behind the wheel and sat there waiting for his usual go-ahead to take off down the road.

  “Chris! Chow time!” Wade called out but there was no answer. "Yo! CHRIS!" he called out again, but he was met with same silence.

  He
placed her food on the table while Joe took a seat at the booth. Wade then shuffled back to Chris’ room just as the bus roared to life.

  “Chris, we brought you…” As Wade cracked open the door, he found the room empty. “…food.”

  Puzzled, Wade closed the door wondering where the hell she could be. Just then, a fleeting thought grabbed hold of Wade and he feared that somehow Chris had changed her mind about being a guy in Heretic, and ran away.

  “Man, that sandwich is hell on my gut,” Wade heard Os moan. But his brother’s indigestion was the least of his worries. In a panic, he began to search the rest of the bus while Os continued complaining. “I gotta take a sh-.”

  As Os opened the door to the bathroom, he expected to see the toilet, but was blood-curdling scream instead. Os had unknowingly opened the door revealing Chris just as she had quickly finished putting on a towel.

  “SHHIIIIT!” he howled.

  Os slammed the door shut in disgust and closed his eyes as if trying anything to get the image of his naked mom out of his mind. But when he opened them again, he saw something that was equally repulsive.

  “What the hell is going on?” Wade asked as he rushed to the front.

  But Wade appeared just in time to see Chris emerge from the bathroom. However, her towel now more tightly wrapped around her and better adjusted. He flushed slightly and tried to look away, but in the end, he was relieved that she didn’t run off after all.

  “What the hell do you think you’re doing, dumbshit!? Did you forget how to fucking knock?!”

  Chris fumed Os’ direction but he ignored her tirade, choosing instead to focus on something else entirely.

  “What the fuck is this shit!?”

  Os reached for a pink box, holding it by the lid by two fingers, as if the mere act of touching it was painful to him. Chris was mortified as Os openly displayed her tampons in front of Heretic.

  Incensed at Os for embarrassing her, she snatched it easily from his lumbering hand. “What the hell do you think they are, moron!? Cigarettes!? Tell you what, why don’t you take your fat ass outside and smoke one?!”

  “THAT’S ENOUGH!”

  After Wade had exploded, they both became dead silent and just in time. Despite Chris’ obvious height and weight disadvantage, she fearlessly came face to face with Os ready for a brawl. Wade admired her courage, but this wasn’t the peace and quiet he was hoping for. When he looked at Joe, his friend appeared too scared to blink, as if one wrong move would start another chain reaction.

  “Os? Sit. Down,” Wade commanded, but Os did no such thing.

  “You think you’re good little girl? Well let’s just get one thing straight: No one can replace Hess. You got that?”

  “That’s enough, Os,” Wade said in growing irritation.

  But despite the fact that he was on thin ice, Os continued to hone in on Chris even more.

  “Not even some homeless runaway with a cute little ‘cup trick’!”

  “Did you hear me!? I said that’s enough!"”

  Wade screamed at Os even louder and while he seemed to get the message that time, the damage had already been done. Wade watched as Chris’ lip quivered with such anger, he thought she would strike Os. And he was sure she would lose it completely when Os rudely brushed past her but she managed to hold it in, her small frame just barely able to contain her hulk-like rage. When Os did as he was told, he went to the front and fell down into his chair.

  And now as Wade stood next to Chris, he took a single meditative breath thinking that this something he definitely didn’t need.

  Despite it all, Wade desperately tried to ignore the steady drops of water that clung to her skin. Just an hour ago, she was a guy. Now, he stole over her chest as several streams of water glided down the middle of her breasts.

  He fought to get a hold of himself and cleared his throat a few times while Chris stared off into the empty space in front of her.

  Finally, he nodded towards her room and whispered, “Why don’t you uhm…” he began, swallowing the growing knot. “Go get some clothes on?”

  Wade forced himself to stare through Chris rather than at her, but she silently obeyed and walked back to her room with her hair still dripping wet.

  Just before she disappeared down the hallway, Wade looked at her again just long enough to spot an unusual tattoo on her back. He almost didn’t see it since it very nearly hidden by her long hair. But there was no mistaking the bleeding heart surrounded by more barbed wire on her right shoulder blade. He recalled the barbed wire tattoos he saw on her wrists earlier and wondered if they were all connected somehow.

  But for the time being, he shook his head of it and of the fact that only a towel separated him from her nudity. Remembering why he was angry to begin with, he stormed over to Os.

  “OS!” Wade bellowed, intent on breaking the sound barrier. “What the fuck, man? What the hell was that about?”

  “Oh c’mon, man! I told you that this bullshit would come-!”

  But Wade had already heard enough.

  “The only bullshit I see here is the drama you’re starting!” Wade came forward and got directly into Os’ face. “You know? Sometimes I wonder who the girl is on this bus.”

  Os sneered back up at his younger brother but he knew it wouldn’t do any good to retort. After all, Os had used all of them before and to no avail. But that didn’t stop Wade from reminding his brother who was in charge and so he honed in on him even more, clenching the fabric of his brothers’ arm rests until his knuckles turned white.

  “You’d better get this through your thick skull, Os: Hess is gone.”

  “But it’s ju-!”

  “Gone! And as far as I’m concerned, he can rot in prison for the rest of his life! Come California? You’re going to forget that Chris is a girl and start acting like she’s a part of this group! And if I hear so much as a whisper that you’ve gave away who Chris really is - I’ll toss you from Heretic faster than Hess!”

  After driving home the point, Wade unleashed a balled fist. For a moment, Os braced himself thinking he was going to get hit again, but instead, it connected with Pete’s plastic cubicle two times making Os jump in surprise.

  Pete, knowing his queue, started the engine and pulled the lumbering bus forward back out onto the road. Defeated, all Os could do was hang his head stare at the floor.

  Wade maintained eye contact with his brother until he snatched Chris’ meal and made off towards her room. But even after Wade had left, Os did nothing but pout as Pete lead them all back onto the interstate.

  A rapt came at Chris’ door again – but so soft this time that she almost didn’t hear it. After all, her eardrums were still ringing from Wade’s tantrum. It didn’t feel right to her that she had heard every word and wished at once she hadn’t. She only wanted to play her drums, not start a war. While she was thankful that Wade came to her defense, she became an emotional wreck within moments and wiped her eyes with her sleeve before answering.

  “I’m decent,” she acknowledged with a roll of her eyes. “If you’re wondering.”

  Wade tore open the partition and entered Chris’ room. While he tried to appear less threatening, he noticed that Chris still pulled her legs into her in a defensive manner, trying to put as much space between them as possible.

  Wade skimmed over her visage once more remarking to himself just how much she looked masculine. In the short amount of time he argued with his brother, she became fully dressed in a matter of minutes. But it was her hoodie, much too big for her, and baggy pants that hid her anatomy almost too well. And to top it all off, a beanie - a simple article of clothing that would soon hide Heretic’s biggest secret.

  Wade felt his heart skip a beat when he realized just how much he was putting Heretic on the line, but it stuffed it just as soon as he closed the partition to Chris’ room.

  As he approached her, Wade sat down at the other end of the bed as if trying to coax out a wild animal.

  Chris sniffed aw
ay her upset from earlier and wiped at her eyes and cheeks with her sleeves, trying to rid her face of any emotional distress. She wanted to appear tough in front of Wade and she only hoped that he wouldn’t notice that she had been crying.

  Unsure of what to say, Wade brought out the Styrofoam container and held it out in front of Chris. Forgetting just how hungry she was, she snatched it from Wade so fast it was his turn to be surprised. He watched in stunned silence as she practically ripped open the top and started to devour her fries. But Chris didn’t care at all about her eating habits in front of one of the most popular metal singers in the music world.

  She took in mouthful after mouthful of her BLT, unable to recall the last time she had anything even remotely warm. She was hoping for more mayonnaise, but at that point, she no longer cared.

  “Are…you alright?” Wade asked concerned as Chris continued to pig out.

  “Yeah - why?” she answered without looking up at him.

  “Well, it’s just…when was the last time you ate something?”

  Chris shrugged response. Her large helping of fries was already gone.

  “Are you really only twenty-three?”

  Wade repeated his question from her earlier audition, either unwilling or unable to accept the amount of raw talent that lay hidden within an unsuspecting person like Chris. But in an instant, her expression turned foul. Her shoulders fell and when she finally did make eye contact with him, it was only to roll her eyes.

  “Okay, okay. Jesus, sorry.”

  “Who cares how old I am?”

  “Me.”

  “Why?” she barked, wanting only to finish her sandwich in peace.

  “Because maybe I’m jealous,” he answered, his face smiling more than his mouth.

  Chris almost choked on her bread. “You’re jealous of me?”

  “Absolutely. Everyone on this bus has busted their ass with their music and we’re pushin’ thirty. It doesn’t come naturally to everyone.”

  Chris regretted her sarcasm but wanted nothing more than for Wade to leave. But unbeknownst to her, he had no intentions of doing so until he asked a nagging question.