A Taste of Blood Wine

by Freda Warrington

  "Kristian was like the most charismatic of preachers; you could imagine people falling at his feet, thinking they had seen a terrible and awesome light. His words had a devastating effect on me. He was an instrument of this dark God, he went on. He was proof of God's existence, a dark angel walking the earth to do God's work. And he said, 'I have chosen you, Karl, as one who has the courage not to die in ignorance but to walk on the edge of life and death with me; to be eternally enlightened.'

  "I had never really questioned my own faith, yet Kristian seemed to expose my beliefs for what they were; fragile, nonexistent. And I suddenly felt bereft and afraid, and it mattered greatly to know whether God existed or not. And here was Kristian, hypnotising me with promises of truth and salvation." Karl paused, drew and released a breath. "A very old trick. And what made it so very effective was that Kristian truly believed what he was saying; he believed it so completely that he convinced others too. He was like a prophet. When you were with him, you could see nothing else. He filled the sky.

  '"I am offering you life everlasting,' he said. 'I can make you one of God's dark agents on Earth. I can give you the power to walk inside the mind of God, which is heaven.'

  "He overstated his case with these words, and that sobered me. I thought, this is not a prophet but a madman, and I started making excuses to leave, humouring him. 'I should love to receive such enlightenment, if I had no earthly ties—but I have a family, and it is really time I went back to them.' And I stood up and began to put my cello in its case, trying to seem unhurried although I was trembling.

  "I shall never forget the way he was staring at me. I should explain a little about Kristian. He hates humans, yet he searches among them, as if trying to find diamonds in sand, for those he considers would make perfect vampires. And for some reason he had fastened on me to join his brood. He thought I would fall under his spell automatically; his ego is so great that he simply could not believe I was rejecting him. I don't think it had ever happened to him before.

  '"Leave your family and come with me, Karl!' he said. He caught my arm and I felt coldness bleeding through me, as if he were made of frozen granite. 'Once you have seen the wonders I can show you, the love of mortals will seem like dust.'

  "That made me angry. Who was this man, who thought he could take over my life and dismiss my love for my wife and daughter as dust? What did he want of me? I was afraid he would not let me go, but he released my arm and opened the door, saying, 'Come again tomorrow, my friend. By then you will appreciate what I offer.' But I fled, with no intention of ever going near him again, however rich he was.

  "The next evening, when Kristian expected me, I stayed at home with Therese and the baby." Karl closed his eyes briefly, forced himself to continue. "I was completely happy that night. I felt released, as if Kristian had been a massive weight on my mind, and I'd only just realised that it was within my power to free myself. Liebe Gott.

  "We went to bed without a care in the world. When I woke I was alone, tangled up in the sheets, feeling desperately ill. I was confused; all I could think about was finding Therese, but when I tried to stand up I almost fainted. It took me some time to realise that I was not at home, but in Kristian's apartment.

  "That night still seems blurred and endless in my mind; perhaps I remember several nights, run together. I thought I was alone, then there were three figures around the bed. They pulled me upright and I passed out, and came round again to find myself in the salon where I had played for Kristian. It was all lit up with candles like a cathedral. These two people were holding me and Kristian was facing me, looking savage. He said, 'Why didn't you come back, Karl?'

  "The other two were members of his clique, Andreas and Katerina. They looked very beautiful to me, but unreal, as if they were made of porcelain and diamonds… How can I explain how I felt? Perhaps you have had a dream where the most innocuous object fills you with terror; I was certainly in a dreamlike state, and it seemed to me that it was no more logical to fear them than to fear a china figurine. Yet I did. They terrified me as they closed in and I felt their breath like frost on my neck. I knew what they were going to do, and that this was not the first time. They both struck at once, Andreas burying his fangs in the right side of my neck, Katerina, standing behind me, in the left. The pain was like being bound and stretched on a rack, as if their pulling on my blood was pulling every vein in my body.

  "Then, perhaps you have had the converse dream, where you look on something horrific and remain unmoved. Your reactions are irrational; nothing is as it should be, and therein lies the real nightmare. This was the state I entered now. I couldn't breathe; I seemed to be floating, a horrible sensation, as if everything that anchored me to safety had been cut. And these impressions overwhelmed me so completely that I had no capacity left to feel horror. I remember thinking, Ah, this would explain why I feel so ill. Detached. The pain was a dark gold sphere in which I was weightless; an hallucination, I suppose, as I came near death. It did not even seem surprising any more that these were vampires. I had the most weird, irresistible sense of pre-ordination.

  "When Katerina and Andreas had finished, I stood half-fainting between them, seeing everything through the thick golden light. A huge dark figure came towards me, rippling and distorted as if moving through water. Kristian was coming to finish it. Yet he didn't drink my blood; instead he touched my chest and I felt an overwhelming sensation of coldness. Not fear. I wanted only to sleep, like a man buried in snow.

  "Death is only oblivion, Charlotte. It does not hurt, any more than sleep. And I was certainly dead. Yet they brought me back to life, or a form of it.

  "I felt them carrying me somewhere. We seemed to be floating underwater. Strange noises and colours. I know now what was happening to me, but at the time there were only these impressions. I became aware of a red light throbbing through me, and it went on for what seemed years. I was struggling to take a breath, never succeeding, and yet not suffocating. Yearning towards something. I had no conscious thoughts; there was only this hot ruby glow pulsing through me, drawing me up towards some profound ecstasy." Karl looked up and found Charlotte's grey-violet eyes fixed on him, rapt. "Mingled with this were such dreams, such feelings beyond my experience. It was as if another world had entered me. The light throbbed brighter and brighter and it came to me that I was part of a circle and therefore complete. I was actually made of crystal. And when I opened my eyes I found the three vampires around me and we formed a circle in a vast painted landscape which was tilting around us into breathtaking perspectives. Energy flowed between us. It was like love; perfect happiness, no doubts—heaven, as Kristian had promised.

  "But when Kristian saw that my transformation was complete, he broke the circle. And I felt, I was actually certain, that I had been dropped over the edge of a cliff. I don't think I have ever been so completely terrified. Slowly I realised I was not falling, but standing in the centre of the salon.

  "How can I explain how I felt? I was dizzy, floating, yet everything seemed wonderfully luminous and clear. There was a beautiful light in the room; I spent an age wondering where its source was, until I realised that it was my own eyesight that had changed. It was as if a grey veil had been taken from me. Such colours in everything. Even my own skin seemed to glow like opal. And while these impressions held me captivated, I also realised I was no longer human and that terrified me."

  Charlotte said, "But what had they done to you?"

  "Replaced my mortal life with their own energy, which is something other than human. It transformed every cell of my body, changed me into something like a mineral replica of my former self. Yet it is anything but inanimate. It is something that has no real life of its own, yet craves the life and energy of others… if that is the definition of a vampire, that is what I had become.

  "I was in no state to realise this yet. It was all too strange. Andreas and Katerina looked so lovely to me that it was as if I had never seen beauty before, never understood it. They watched my r
eactions with the sort of pleasure people take in seeing the first stumbling steps of a foal. Kristian's face was sombre, but his eyes burned into me.

  "My hearing was so acute that the silence seemed to echo… and I remember thinking, They only breathe when they are going to speak! And when I realised that I no longer needed to breathe, the horror of it rooted me to the spot. Yes, these are alien creatures but they've made me one of them! Yet the fear seemed thrilling, in a way, as if I stood on the threshold of a new universe.

  "Outside the window the lights of Vienna scintillated like stars. I could see people moving through the dark streets as if it were day, all bathed in a beautiful soft light full of exquisite colours. At the sight of these people I felt something pulling at my throat… all through me, this yearning that I did not understand. When I eventually turned back into the room, Andreas and Katerina came to me like loving friends, stroking my arms and hair, so beautiful that I could not speak. Yet it was a cold beauty, like that of diamonds.

  "I looked at Kristian and I said, "What have you done to me?' '"Made you as myself,' he said. '"But what are we?'

  "And he replied, 'Children of Lilith,' and he began to laugh. "His laughter was quiet yet it seemed harsh to my oversensitive ears, malevolent. I felt the utmost revulsion towards him. Not that he was physically repulsive, it was simply the sense of domination that flowed from him, the way he made me feel trapped. It gave me a sense of foreboding. I could not cope with it, the inexplicable beauty mixed with the elements of a nightmare. It came to me that if I only left him and went home, everything would return to normal.

  "So I began hunting round for my coat, but Kristian came and stopped me. He was like a great dark wall and he made me feel helpless. He said, 'Don't you realise I love you, Karl? I have given you this gift because I love you.'

  "I was astonished, but these words only made me more determined to escape his lunacy. Like a drunk trying to sound sober I said, 'I must go home now. My wife will wonder where I am.'

  "At that his face turned livid. He had assumed that once I was changed I would forget my family and worship him. He knew nothing of earning love through friendship. It's true that I was in awe of him—but emotionally I felt nothing for him. He saw it, but was incapable of accepting or believing it.

  '"You cannot go home, Karl,' he said. 'You are part of my family now.'

  "I said, 'Are you telling me I'm your prisoner?' Kristian smiled, as if being patient with an irritating child, but I'd made him furious. 'You don't appreciate what has happened to you,' he said. 'It takes a little time.'

  "I said something like, "You can't keep me here. I'll call the authorities,' and at this, Andreas and Katerina went into peals of laughter. There was movement around me, doors opening and closing. I became aware that I felt strange, quite ill in fact. It was like a fever, a desire to tear my own skin apart to release the discomfort inside me. There was a strange scent in the air that made it worse… and I turned and saw that Andreas had brought a human into the room.

  "It was a boy of about fifteen; a beggar with huge brown eyes gleaming in a grimy face. Just a boy. Yet I perceived him as if he were another species. Where the vampires were like ice, he positively glittered with heat. What can I compare it to? Imagine your first glimpse of countryside after years in the desert. The first taste of rain on your tongue, how your heart would ache for it…

  "He wasn't afraid. He thought some rich people had taken pity on him. Katerina was behind him and I don't think he even knew, she struck so quickly. Showing me what to do. And when I saw, when I caught the scent of blood, it pulled me in like gravity." Karl stopped. "I should not tell you this, Charlotte."

  "No, please go on," she said. "I want to understand."

  "I was like two separate people. There was this unnatural thing I had become, moving towards the boy as Katerina held him for me. It seemed so natural to wrap my arms about him, to feel my newly sharp teeth slide down to reopen the wounds she had made, to feel the wondrous liquid flowing into me. There was nothing savage in it. It was the most luscious feeling of tenderness, relief. I was floating in a soft ruby light and I could feel tears flowing from my eyes and running on to the boy's neck. Yet the other half of me witnessed what was happening as if I had come right out of my body. I was aghast. I am drinking blood. I am damned. God in heaven, how can I end this nightmare?

  "When the blood ceased to flow, I wanted more. The compulsiveness of it sickened me, yet still I wanted him… I think Andreas pulled us apart, and if the boy was not dead already, the others finished him. Then I began to come back to myself. With the stolen blood inside me I felt very clear-headed, I knew exactly what Kristian had done to me, and I was devastated.

  "Andreas and Katerina caressed me with unspoken sympathy for what I was going through. And Kristian spoke to me like a father confessor, kind and stern. 'This is what you are now; a vampire. You cannot go back to being human. You cannot go back to your family.' There was no way to deny or resist what I had become. Intellect could not overcome the instinct. I knew he was telling the truth, but I still refused to believe it.

  "So when he had finished I said, "Now I am going home.'

  "He looked at me in astonishment, and said, 'I know you are not an imbecile, Karl, so why are you behaving like one? I have given you immortality, heightened perception, the power of life and death over mankind. It is a gift for which men would sell their souls! Mundane responsibilities have no hold on you now. They are ash. Attend to me and I will show you the face of God.'

  "His words were very affecting, but he sounded desperate. He wanted me to say, yes, I will forsake my wife and daughter for you. I love you, Kristian; you are the centre of my universe. He wanted me to say it and believe it. But I could not. I said, 'I don't care what you have done to me or why; it was done without my consent.'

  '"That is untrue!' he shouted. I don't know what it was about me that made him so furious. I think it was that I was so calm. I stared straight at him all the time and I think he would have broken my back to squeeze a reaction out of me. 'You told me that if you had no earthly ties you would accept the gift of enlightenment!'

  '"But I have earthly ties. And I do not know why you think I would leave my wife just for the asking.' Although I spoked coldly, I was filled with dread.

  "And Kristian replied, 'You're wrong, Karl. You have no bonds with earth. Come with me.' He took me along a corridor, where the air was so thick with the scent of blood that my head swam. By the time we reached a servant's room tucked away from the rest it was overwhelming. There was blood splashed everywhere; dark wet stains all over the floorboards, the walls, the furniture, seeming in my enhanced sight to glisten with a thousand shades of crimson and purple. In the middle of it, on the little white bed, was Therese. Dead."

  "Oh, God," said Charlotte, muffled. "Had Kristian… ?"

  "He doesn't touch humans if he can help it, but he'd ordered one of his brood to murder her. Not Andreas or Katerina; one whose name I choose not to remember. But I don't blame that vampire; I blame only Kristian… and perhaps myself. In his twisted thinking, she had been an obstacle to my going with him—so if he removed the obstacle, I would be free. He had done it to demonstrate to me that if I actually lost her, I would not care; that vampires do not suffer human griefs. It was to prove that I was ready to sever myself from humans and to devote myself to him.

  "But he was wrong. I was blind with grief. All I could think of was how she must have suffered, how I had not been there to protect her. I threw myself at him, determined to kill him—not realising it was impossible. Instead he seized me and fastened his fangs in my throat. All the strength went out of me. He pushed me into the room and, as if she'd been waiting for a signal, Katerina came in with a baby in her arms. Ilona.

  "They locked me in the room with Therese's body and my daughter, who was very much warm and alive. It was Kristian's way to 'break' new vampires who were being difficult, as I was. And at the end of it, when the vampire was in despair, he would
become the fount of all things; love, sustenance, spiritual guidance. Strange, though, he seems to learn so little when the method fails.

  "I was left there for hours while my hunger mounted—my only source of nourishment my own daughter. I have told you how overwhelming the hunger can be, and I had no experience in controlling it. And outside I could hear Kristian talking to the vampire who had killed Therese. 'Tell me what you did,' Kristian would ask him. 'Tell me what you thought… and what did she do? And how did you feel when… ' Hours of it. That conversation taught me more about Kristian than I ever wished to know."

  A sob escaped Charlotte. Karl folded his hand over her knee.

  "But Kristian did not understand that there are stronger instincts than a vampire's thirst. I would have starved to death before I harmed Ilona. She was round and warm and full of blood and I was in torment—but I did not touch her. Such a hideous situation; her own father this white, dead thing, dying again for want of her blood; and the voices through the door… it was so monstrous that I went completely out of my mind. I think that is how I found the strength to do what I did.

  "There was one tiny window, too small for a man to climb through. I smashed it, tore out the frame and ripped away part of the wall. With Ilona in my arms I jumped down to the road, two storeys below—discovering in the process how resilient vampires are. I ran to my older sister's house as if the Devil were after me—which he almost literally was.

  "My sister was very shocked to see me in the middle of the night. I wonder if I looked like a vampire to her? I told her that Therese was ill, please could she look after Ilona while I went for the doctor? All the time I was talking to her I was aware of the human radiance she had, the beat of her heart pulling me towards her… My own sister. God. I left her as fast as I could and it was only a few yards from her door that I took my first real victim. He was a stranger; he could have been anyone. It could have been my own father, for all I knew when I dragged him into the shadows.