Where I Want To Be

by Maryam Diaab

  “Where did he take you?” Morgan inquired.

  “We went to Mardi Gras World, you know, where they make the floats. The work these artists put into the floats is amazing. Then we walked around the Garden District looking at the historic homes and just talking. After that we went to dinner.”

  “Alexis, I’m not trying to throw salt, really, but I’ve been places with my grandma that were more exciting,” Claire said, looking unimpressed.

  “Okay, so we didn’t dance on any tabletops or drink ourselves into a stupor, but it was nice. We got the opportunity to really talk and get to know each other. It was so natural, and I can honestly say that there was never a lull in the conversation. I really feel as if I’ve known him all my life.”

  “Sounds to me like you’re about to get caught up,” Morgan said with an I-told-you-so look on her face.

  “I don’t think so,” Alexis assured her friends. “I like Massai and I think he is a wonderful man, but he’s Eva’s wonderful man.”

  “Who is Eva? Is she that skank who calls herself his girlfriend?” Claire queried.

  “Skank or no skank, she’s still his girlfriend and I have to respect that. Not to mention the fact that I’m not getting emotionally involved with another man.”

  “So you’re still on that trip? I thought your going on an outing with Massai meant that you changed your mind about all of that.”

  “Nothing has changed. I went out with Massai as a friend and nothing more.”

  “Yeah, right,” Morgan said smiling. “When you were talking about him your face lit up like a damn Christmas tree.”

  “No, it didn’t.”

  “Yes, it did,” Claire confirmed, her smile just as wide as Morgan’s.

  “Well, if it did it was because it’s hot in here.”

  “Whatever,” they chimed in unison.

  “And even if Massai and I did get together, it would never work. I’m on the rebound from Kevin, he has a girlfriend and we live a thousand miles away from each other. If anything, we could only realistically have a little summer fling, and it would have to end at that.”

  “So you’ve been thinking about it?” Morgan asked, her smile widening.

  “No, I haven’t been thinking about it, but if I had been thinking about it that’s what I would think.”

  “You’re crazy. You just said you like him and he definitely likes you, so what’s the problem?” Claire asked, not understanding Alexis’s dilemma.

  “Was I talking to myself when I just rattled off the reasons Massai and I could never be anything more than friends? If I got involved with him it wouldn’t be a question of if I would get hurt, but more like when.”

  “You’ll never find anyone to spend the rest of your life with if you keep that attitude,” Morgan said, shaking her head in pity.

  “Good, then my plan is working.”

  “I ordered your drink,” Massai said, placing an amaretto sour in front of her and pulling up a chair. He and Orlando had sneaked up behind them, causing Alexis to worry about how much he had heard.

  “You know, you two really make a cute couple,” Morgan observed, accepting a drink from Orlando.

  “We’re not a couple,” Alexis said, very much aware of the smile on Massai’s face.

  “Thank you,” he said, sitting up a little taller. “We do make a nice couple, don’t we?”

  “We’re not a couple,” Alexis insisted again.

  “Don’t fight it, Alexis,” Massai said, causing everyone at the table except Alexis to laugh. “I’m just playing; don’t be so sensitive,” he said, grabbing her hand and leading her onto the jam-packed dance floor. Bodies were crushed together, forcing Massai and Alexis to press their bodies against each other.

  The music thumping over the speaker nearly matched the intensity of Alexis’s heartbeat. Drawing her even closer, Massai bent over and whispered in her ear, “Happy birthday.”

  Alexis looked at Massai’s platinum-and-diamond watch and saw that the time was now 12:02; she was officially twenty-five years old. She reached up and placed her hands on both sides of his smooth face. She stood on her tiptoes and brought his ear closer to her mouth. “Thank you.”

  They spent the next hour and a half on the dance floor, dancing so close to each other that their bodies said things that their lips would not. Oblivious to the speed of the song, Massai held Alexis as if he never wanted or intended to let her go. And she really didn’t want him to. Never in her life had she felt so comfortable so quickly with a man. It always seemed as if the getting-to-know-you phase was always awkward and filled with half-truths to get the other person to like you that much more. But the time she spent with Massai was completely different. Relaxed conversation, easy banter and an undeniable sexual attraction made the two want to spend more and more time together, despite the consequences they both felt would eventually follow.

  When Massai turned Alexis around and put his hands on her hips and rubbed her body through the silk of her dress, it was all Alexis could do not to scream out loud that she wanted him. Instead, she closed her eyes, swaying back and forth to the beat and imagining the way Massai’s hands, mouth and tongue would feel against her naked skin. Her back pressed against his rippling chest, causing a soft moan to escape her lips. As if sensing her pleasure and the erotic thoughts floating through her head, Massai lowered his mouth to her ear. “I want to take you back to your hotel room.”

  Everything for Alexis stopped in an instant. The music ceased, the partygoers on the dance floor reappeared and her eyes flew open. She wiggled out of his embrace and left him standing alone and confused on the dance floor as she headed to the club’s exit. As much as she wanted Massai to do the things she had envisioned on the dance floor, she was certain going further with him would be wrong and emotionally painful in the end. Outside, Alexis rested against the brick façade of the building and pushed the hair out of her face.

  “Alexis, what’s wrong?”

  She looked up at Massai and shook her head. “Things are moving way too fast for me, Massai.”

  “We were just dancing.”

  “Talking about having casual sex is a whole lot more than dancing.”

  “Who was talking about having casual sex?”

  “You.”

  “Me?”

  “I want to take you back to your hotel room,” Alexis mocked in the deepest, manliest voice she could muster.

  “I didn’t mean casual sex, Alexis,” he said chuckling at her impression of him.

  “I don’t understand why you’re laughing, because I don’t find anything funny.”

  “You are blowing this way out of proportion.”

  “I don’t think so. I’ve known you for less than a week and already you’re trying to get into my pants. If you’re that horny, you need to go home to your woman.”

  “Alexis, I haven’t even tried to kiss you yet, so why would I try to go from hand-holding to sex in a twelve-hour period?”

  “Because you’re a man, and all men are the same.”

  “Don’t start that shit with me again, Alexis,” he said angrily. “We were having a good time, so don’t ruin it.” Massai inhaled the humid Louisiana air deeply and then exhaled loudly. “Let’s go back inside.”

  “I can’t. I can’t do this, Massai. It’s wrong. You have a girlfriend, and I have a promise to myself and my heart to keep.”

  “I just want you to relax and have a good time.

  It’s your birthday, for God’s sake. Pretend I never said anything.”

  “I don’t do this. I don’t behave this way. I don’t go on vacation and pick up guys, especially guys who have girlfriends. I don’t normally fall for men who are otherwise occupied.” Alexis buried her face into her hands.

  “So you are falling for me?” he asked, going back into Alexis’s personal space.

  Exasperated, she removed her hands from her face and said acidly, “You’re missing the point here, Massai.”

  “No, I’m not. You’re
the one missing the point, so let me speak slowly to make sure you understand. I like you and you like me. We are two grown-ass adults, so let’s stop playing these middle school games and see where things go between us.”

  “Massai, I don’t do casual sex,” Alexis repeated, feeling helpless as Massai inched closer to her and ran his long fingers through her hair.

  “Neither do I,” he said looking into her eyes. “If and when we take that next step, I can guarantee there will be nothing casual about it.” Massai put a finger under her chin, tilting it up toward his own.

  Her heart pounded against her dress as he licked his lips and moved in closer. She knew she should step back and make what was happening stop. But she didn’t. She knew that she should run back into the club and join her friends. But she couldn’t. Her body wouldn’t move. While her head told her to run, her heart and the intense tingle she felt over her entire body forced her to stay.

  “You are so sure of yourself. How can you be so certain that you and I will be doing anything more than holding hands?”

  “As I said, I don’t know how to quit.”

  13

  DETERMINATION

  “There is absolutely no way I’m going to spend the night with you, alone, anywhere near a bed,” Alexis told Massai, not believing that he had the audacity to ask her something like that. It was her last night in New Orleans, and he was insisting that she spend it with him.

  “Alexis, your mind stays in the gutter. You always think somebody is trying to get you between the sheets. That is not the reason I brought this up. I was simply suggesting that we go to Malik’s house, hang out, make drinks and watch some TV. And I think I should be the one worried about being taken advantage of because, from the sound of it, you won’t be able to control yourself around me.”

  They both laughed at his last comment. But she knew he had a point. Ever since the kiss outside the club two days ago on her birthday, she had been able to think about little else. Her mind was filled with constant thoughts of her and Massai in various sexual positions and scenarios. His lips, tongue and hands were always on her mind, and when they were together she felt as if she could spend the entire time in his arms kissing. He was dangerous, and the thought of being alone with him for that long was both exciting and scary. She knew that he was playing a game of reverse psychology with her, and it was working. He got her to agree to spend the night with him, but she set the conditions. Alexis told him that they must sleep in separate beds, be fully dressed at all times and three drinks would be their limit. When she handed him her list of conditions, written on hotel stationary, Massai looked at her as if she had lost her mind. But she was serious, refusing to even get into the car until he had agreed to each and every one of them.

  “You are being overly careful,” he told her as he drove across the city to Malik’s home.

  “You can never be too careful.”

  From the second they walked into Malik’s guesthouse, the sexual tension between them thickened. Massai showed her around the mini-mansion, which had the same decor as the main house. The bedroom was last on the tour. Both hesitated before going inside. They looked at each other, and before he could react, Alexis bolted from the room and sped back to the living room, plopping down in front of the television.

  “What do you expect to happen tonight?” she asked him as he joined on the couch, spooning up ice cream from a pint container.

  “I’m just trying to spend some time with you, because I won’t be seeing you for awhile,” he said.

  “You’re not answering the question.”

  “What I would like to happen and what actually is going to happen are two very different things.”

  “I want to know both, then. What you want to happen and what you think will happen.”

  Massai sat quietly before answering. It was obvious that he was choosing his words very carefully before speaking. He put his spoon on the glass coffee table, replaced the top on the ice cream carton and clasped his hands. “I would like for you to let me take you into that bedroom, turn down the sheet and make you forget every other man you’ve ever been with.”

  “Massai, that can absolutely not happen,” Alexis said, feeling nervous and curious at the same time.

  “And I am fully aware that you are not ready for that so…I guess we’ll just chill.”

  “How can you just say something like that and follow it up by, ‘I guess we’ll just chill’?” Alexis asked, turning to look at him.

  “Because I don’t want to put any pressure on you. I wouldn’t have mentioned it, but you asked and I didn’t want to lie. I understand and respect the fact that you’re not ready to take that next step with me and that’s fine. I can wait.”

  “What do you mean you can wait?”

  “I’ll wait as long as I need to, that’s what I mean.”

  “And who says you’ll get the opportunity to wait? In case you’ve forgotten, today is my last day here.”

  “Are you saying that after tonight we won’t see each other again?”

  “That’s a possibility.”

  “You honestly believe that once you get on that plane that’s it?” he asked, looking at her seriously.

  “Why should I believe anything else?”

  “Because there’s something between us that you don’t want to acknowledge. At least not out loud. I can’t believe that you would go back to Detroit and act like we never met.”

  “I didn’t say we wouldn’t keep in touch. Of course you’ll hear from me, Massai. We have a friendship, if nothing else.”

  “And a friendship is all that you’re satisfied with?”

  “Anything else wouldn’t work. We would be asking for trouble,” Alexis sighed.

  “I want to be more than your friend, and I know deep down so do you.” He took her hand in his and kissed it. “Give me a chance to show you how serious I am.”

  “And how am I supposed to do that with Eva calling your cellphone every five minutes and me leaving in the morning?”

  “Don’t leave,” he responded, as if it was the easiest decision in the world. “You don’t have to go back to work for a month, you could stay here and we could go from where we are right now.”

  “Stay here?” Alexis asked, sweeping her hand around the room. “You want me to stay here hidden in your friend’s house like some sort of concubine?”

  “You’re not giving me enough credit. I don’t want you to be my concubine. I want you to be with me, my better half.”

  “Massai, your math isn’t adding up. Three halves do not make a whole,” she said, referring to his current half, Eva.

  “I don’t want you to leave,” he repeated.

  “You don’t mean that. When I get on that plane, I’ll be nothing more than a girl you met and kissed outside a club once upon a time.”

  “If that’s what you think, then don’t get on that plane.”

  “As long as Eva’s in your life, there’s no place for me.”

  “It’s not as simple as you’re making it out to be.”

  “Oh, yes, it is. You want me to stay, but you can’t let her go. You want me to play second fiddle, and I’m nobody’s second fiddle.”

  “You’re the entire band.”

  Alexis was softened by his last comment. “I wish we would have met a long time ago; before you met Eva and before Kevin came along and destroyed what little trust I had left in men. I think we should just consider this a good time and leave it at that.”

  “I want you to stay,” Massai told her again, this time looking deep into her eyes. “I want to continue this.”

  “I can’t stay here. I would be playing myself if I did.”

  “Well, if you won’t stay then let me fly out to be with you.”

  “What would you tell Eva?”

  “Why do you keep bringing her up?” he asked, annoyed, exasperated and befuddled.

  “Your relationship with her is a reality that you aren’t facing, Massai. I’m not trying to pressure
you into getting rid of her; I’m trying to make you see the bigger picture. It’s not smart to begin something new when you haven’t finished the old.”

  “My relationship with Eva was finished long before I ever met you.”

  “If that were true, she wouldn’t still be living with you. I want you to be happy, Massai, but I don’t think you really know what will make you happy. You are in a bad relationship. I agree that you need to do something about it, but don’t use me to get out of something that’s not working.”

  “Are you saying that you don’t want to be with me?” he asked, grabbing the remote and turning the television off.

  “I’m saying that it would never work.”

  “You’re saying that you wouldn’t give it a chance to work. You’re a pessimist.”

  “No, Massai, I’m a realist.”

  He looked at her for a long time but said nothing. He had never felt this way about a woman and refused to let her get away, especially without a fight. “You know people get married in a lot shorter time than we’ve known each other.”

  “Be serious.”

  “I am serious. There’s something between us, and it’s more than a sexual attraction. I really think we need to explore it and see where it takes us.”

  “I’m not staying.”

  “Then I’ll book my flight to Detroit,” he said, reopening the ice cream container as if the discussion was no longer up for debate.

  “Massai, I don’t think that’s a good idea,” she said softly, taking the ice cream and spoon from his hand and placing them on the coffee table next to a DVD they had rented earlier.

  “That’s part of your problem, Alexis,” he began, kissing her cheek, then her neck, finally moving to her lips. “You think too much. You’re always weighing the good and the bad when you should really just be feeling, following your heart.”

  “I’ve followed my heart before and all I’ve gotten in return is heartache and humiliation,” she said, closing her eyes and blocking out everything except the way his mouth felt against her own. Even though she tried hard to deny it, every time he kissed her she found herself falling deeper and deeper into confusion about where their relationship was heading.