What's Left of Me

by Kimberly Lewis

  I shake my head. “We’ve never been mad at each other—never given each other a reason to be mad.” I take in an unsteady breath. “Until now. What was I thinking?” I drop my head, but Cole’s fingers touch under my chin and lift my face to his.

  “We did nothing wrong, Jenna. It’s not like we’re kids just fucking around.” He brushes my hair behind my ear. “I don’t know about you, but last night was a game changer for me.” He meets my gaze before his hand gently cups my jaw. “You’re the first thing in a long time that I’ve not regretted.”

  My hand rests over his, and I briefly close my eyes as I nuzzle against his palm. “I don’t regret being with you, Cole. I just wish Emma wasn’t so upset.”

  “I’ll take care of my sister. I’ll take care of everything, so don’t worry anymore,” he tells me, and then he grins before placing a tender kiss on the tip of my nose. That sweet, playful gesture makes my heart flutter and somehow puts me at ease. He has that control over me, and I didn’t quite realize it until now. I’m not even sure how he does it, but I like it. I like that need he has to take care of me—not out of obligation, but because he wants to. “Be back in a few,” he says and leaves me so he can dress and head outside to talk with Emma.

  The wait makes me anxious as I wonder how the conversation’s going, so I make myself busy. First thing I do is get rid of those nasty burnt eggs and scrub the pan. All I need is Cole’s mother hating me for ruining her gourmet cookware. Once that’s done and the kitchen is clean, I move into the living room and do a quick tidy up in there. I glance out the window to see Cole still talking with Emma—her wild hand gestures and facial expressions letting me believe that things aren’t going well. I want to talk to her so bad, to try and help smooth things over, but I’m going to stand back and let Cole handle it. I need to trust him—and I do.

  With Cole and Emma still deeply engrossed in their talk, I head off to the bathroom to get myself ready. I shower, dress, and brush my teeth and my hair before heading back out to the kitchen. As I pour myself a cup of coffee I hear the door open and turn to see Cole and Emma enter the house. Her brown eyes are rimmed with red, and I know instantly that she’s been crying.

  “Oh, Jenna,” Emma says when she spots me and walks over to where I’m standing, wrapping her arms around me and hugging me tightly. “I’m so sorry I jumped on you like that.”

  I set my cup of coffee on the counter and return her hug, fighting back my own tears and the lump that has somehow found its way into my throat. “No, I deserved it. We never keep secrets from each other.”

  Emma laughs and loosens her hold as she pulls back to look at me. “I’ll let this one slide. After all, how can I be upset when—”

  I see her eyes cut to Cole a moment before she lets her sentence fade, and the soft shake of his head peaks my curiosity.

  “My brother’s finally home,” Emma continues, but I know that’s not what she was going to say.

  “Why don’t you stay and hang out with us today?” I ask and release her as Cole comes to stand by me. His arms wrap around me from behind as he pulls me back against his chest. “We can relax by the lake and barbecue later. Plus, it’ll give you and Cole more time to catch up.”

  “I could use a break from work … and from my house.” Emma laughs. “I love Uncle Roy, Aunt Marina, and their kids, but I can’t wait for them to be gone and have my house all to myself again.” She smiles at me and then to Cole. “Let me just check in with Ashley and make sure everything’s going okay at the shop first.”

  Emma runs and owns a local bakery, and she recently converted the front of her building into a small dinette where her customers can sit while enjoying their pastries and coffee. The business has consumed her the past few weeks, especially since she’s making all of the desserts for her mother’s birthday party this coming weekend, and I’ve missed spending time with her.

  “I told you everything would be fine,” Cole says to me when Emma steps outside to make her phone call.

  I turn in his arms and smile as I rest my palms against his firm chest. “You made her cry,” I tease.

  “Not on purpose,” he tells me. “Besides, they were happy tears. So don’t be too upset with me.”

  Tilting my head back to look up at him, I smile and lean into him. “I am so far from upset right now. It’s been a long time since I’ve felt this …” I pause and search for the right word. “Content.”

  “Me too,” Cole says, and he dips his head down so his mouth meets mine.

  “Oh boy,” I hear Emma say. “That’s going to take some getting used to.”

  I laugh against Cole’s mouth as we break our kiss and rest my cheek against his chest. Emma’s grin of amusement makes me feel as though a giant weight has been lifted from my shoulders. Knowing she’s willing to overlook her initial shock and accept this new relationship I have with Cole makes my heart feel whole again.

  Our day seems to fly by, but not a moment is wasted. A good portion of the afternoon we spent in the lake after Cole and Emma located an old rope swing they used when they were kids. We took turns climbing the rocks and swinging like idiots from that questionable piece of rope—having the time of our lives and acting like teenagers without a care in the world instead of people in their mid-to-late twenties with jobs and responsibilities.

  ”Jesus,” Cole says and blows out a breath of air as he shakes his head. A low fire burns in the fire pit, its flames flickering light across our faces in the darkening sky. We’re seated across from it in Adirondack chairs—Cole and I occupying the same chair on his insistence. Ever since he and I … connected on a deeper level last night, he’s been very adamant about keeping me close. But I’m not complaining because I love being in his arms.

  “Two hundred people?” Cole raises an eyebrow and loads his voice with disbelief. “Do we even know two hundred people?”

  “The party certainly has blown up from the small gathering of friends and family she’d first talked about,” Emma explains with a small laugh. “But, hey, you only turn fifty once, right?”

  “Yeah,” Cole says, and I notice the slightest change in his demeanor. His muscles bunch and tense like he’s uncomfortable.

  Emma must’ve noticed too because she reaches over and lays her hand over his. “It’s a lot of people, I know, but it’ll be okay. I’ll be there and Jenna too.” She gives him a gentle, understanding smile. “We’ll get you through it. Plus, you might get to bypass the whole mingling thing because Mom will want to keep you all to herself.”

  Cole chuckles, but it’s forced.

  “I better get going,” Emma says, sounding a bit reluctant as she stands from her chair.

  “Are you okay to drive?” I ask as I move from Cole’s lap to give her a hug. “If you’re too tired, you can always crash here.”

  “I’m good,” she says with a smile. “I’ve been gone all day with no valid excuse, so I’m going to have to do some creative thinking on the drive home.” Emma releases me and turns to Cole, wrapping her arms around him and hugging him tightly. “I’m really glad you’re home, big brother.”

  “Me too, Em,” Cole says and returns her hug.

  Emma slowly backs away from Cole and looks to both of us, trying to hold back a smirk. “You guys have fun, and I’ll see you both on Saturday.”

  Cole and I stand side-by-side as Emma makes her way to her SUV. When the headlights begin to back out of the driveway, Cole draws me in and kisses me—needy, yet tender and reverent. It almost brings tears to my eyes as I read into it. He needs me, just as much as I’ve realized I need him.

  “I love it when you kiss me like that,” I say, soft and dreamy as he presses his lips to mine once more before moving to my jaw.

  “Oh yeah,” Cole murmurs against my skin. “What else do you love me doing to you?”

  I tug on my bottom lip with my teeth as I give him better access to my neck. “I have quite the growing list, and if you want to move things inside, I’ll be happy to share them with y
ou.”

  Cole chuckles and pulls back to look at me as he trails his fingertips along the outer edge of my face. “I’m all for doing that. But first, I just want to hold you for a while.”

  He takes my hand and pulls me down into the chair with him so I’m resting across his thighs like before. Tucking my head against the curve of his neck, I relax into him and watch the tiny ripples dance along the top of the lake. Our breathing is synchronized. Our hearts beating in time. And for a moment, it’s as if our bodies are so in tuned with each other that we share the same soul. A cricket choir in the background sets the theme for our romantic night in the great outdoors, and in this moment I am beyond happy, beyond content, I’m … I’m … oh gosh. I think I’m falling in love.

  11

  cole

  Over. Under. Up. Through. Loop. Tighten.

  Shit.

  I swear to God I hate ties. Loosening up the noose I’ve somehow created, I rip the impossible and completely pointless article of clothing from my neck and toss it to the sofa. Not only did I find out this “small party” of my mother’s was now up to two hundred people, I also learned that it was a formal affair and required a black tie dress code. I love my mother dearly, but that’s just crazy. I’m going with a no-tie dress code, and she’s lucky she’s got me a suit. Or, should I say, she’s lucky Jenna got me in a suit because I didn’t have one. We snuck out of town the other day and drove three towns over—an effort to keep some secrecy to my homecoming— just to pick it up.

  “Jenna?” I call out for her when I notice the time. “Baby, you almost ready?”

  “I’ll be right out,” I hear her say from the bathroom.

  Unable to help myself, I begin to pace. I’m not going to lie, I’m nervous as hell about showing up at that party tonight. Different reactions to my presence keep rolling through my head, and I’m honestly not sure what to expect from my parents and the other guests—tears of joy that I’m finally home or a piss-poor attitude that I’ve been gone for so long and decided to show up unannounced. Anxiety quickly builds within me, and I force myself to stop pacing to take a few deep breaths. Looking into the small mirror hanging on the wall by the door, I give myself a silent pep talk that everything will be okay and adjust my black suit before seeing the bathroom door open.

  My heart stops. And I know that’s a dumb thing to say because when your heart stops beating you’re technically dead but, shit, maybe I am. I turn and watch as Jenna slowly makes her way down the hall. Her long blonde hair is in soft bouncy curls, and she’s wearing a pale pink dress with thin straps and a flowy skirt that hits right below her knee. I swear she looks like an angel. My angel. My saving grace.

  “What?” she asks me, almost bashful.

  “You look beautiful,” I somehow manage to say. I literally feel weak in the knees at just the sight of her.

  “Stop,” she says, and the pink hue that fills her cheeks makes her even more amazingly gorgeous.

  “I mean it,” I tell her and walk over to meet her. “You are absolutely breathtaking, baby.” Reaching for her hand, I lift it to my mouth and gently kiss her fingers. “Now I’m really disappointed that I’m not escorting you to the party.”

  Arriving to the party separately wasn’t a choice either of us particularly liked, but it was necessary. No one knows I’ve been in town for the last week, except for Jenna and Emma, and I really don’t want anyone to hold a grudge against them for keeping my secret.

  “How about you promise me a dance or two, and we’ll call it even?” she says, and the way her green eyes shimmer with excitement and happiness makes me want to promise her anything and everything.

  “Done,” I agree with a grin. “And as far as I’m concerned, my dance card is full for the night.”

  We exit the house, and I offer Jenna my arm as we walk down the steps. We stay just like that until she’s in her car, and once she’s seated, I lean in to kiss her again before I can’t anymore for the night.

  The drive to my parents’ house seems longer than I remember, or maybe it feels that way because I’m so nervous. I’m white-knuckling the steering wheel as I pull into the gated community and working hard to calm my breathing. The last thing I need right now is a panic attack or emotional breakdown.

  “You’ll be fine,” I hear Jenna’s voice repeating the words in my head she’d spoken right before we left the lake house. “I’ll be with you all night. I’m always right here when and if you need me, Cole.”

  I’m filled with a sense of ease after that and continue my way to my parents’ place. Cars line the street, and I’m amazed by how many there are as I find an empty spot and park before heading up the blacktop driveway to the house. This enormous brick colonial wasn’t always my parents’ home. Hell, I only lived here for my duration of high school. My parents’ bought it after my dad made partner at the law firm he still works at. Fancy new job meant fancy new things, so we left our life in the suburbs and moved to luxury living. Speaking of luxury living, it looks like my dad’s acquired a few new cars since I left, and that ‘69 mustang has my name written all over it.

  I think of Adam when I see it, as the memory Jenna brought up the other night flashes into my brain, knowing he’d love that car just as much as I do. His parents, Jenna’s parents, will most likely be here tonight for the big celebration. I’m not really looking forward to that reunion. Not that I won’t be happy to see them again, because I’ve honestly missed them. George and Nina were like my second parents, always making me feel like I was a part of their family and not just Adam’s best friend. After everything happened, I never could work up the courage to see them, to tell them how sorry I was, and because of that I’m just unsure of how they’ll feel about seeing me now—the man that let their son die.

  I call Emma as I stand off to the side of the house, away from prying eyes and nosy do-gooders, and she meets me by the side entrance.

  “Whoa, Em,” I say, stunned when she holds the door open for me. “Does that thing come with a jacket or a sweater?”

  She glances down and runs a hand over her navy blue strapless dress that clings, in my opinion, way too much to her body.

  “Shut up,” she tells me with a grin. “I look amazing.”

  In all honesty, she does. Her straight brown hair is pulled back into one of those half-up-half-down styles, and she’s not gone overboard with her makeup. “You do, sis,” I tell her and return her grin. “But don’t get mad at me for beating the shit out of any of these yahoos that look at you for too long.”

  “Why do you think I chose this dress?” she asks me with a challenging glare as I walk past her into the house.

  “You’re going to give me premature gray hair, woman,” I mumble and hear her laugh.

  We quietly make our way through the large house, miraculously unseen by any of the guests, and enter my dad’s study.

  “Are you ready for this?” Emma asks me as she straightens my jacket. I hope I look put together on the outside because on the inside is a completely different story.

  “Not really,” I answer her over the low hum of the music and laughter coming from the backyard.

  “I’m not going to lie to you, Cole,” Emma says and rests her hands on my shoulders. “This is going to be overwhelming. All of those people out there will want to say hi, shake your hand, hug you, kiss you, or whatever, and you’ll probably feel like you’re suffocating.”

  I narrow my eyes and give her a frustrated glare. “That’s not helping.”

  “Let me finish,” she says. “But with all of that going on just remember that these people are genuinely happy to have you home. Mom, Dad, me, Jenna, the whole damn party is full of people who’ve missed you like crazy. Enjoy it.”

  Emma pulls me down for a tight hug before releasing me and leaving the study. I stand there in the dim light for a good few moments, gathering my nerve and my screw it mindset before heading outside.

  Strings of white globe lights hang from the pergola as I walk across the
brick patio and take in the rest of the scenery—a bar set off in the corner, tables covered in white linens scattered around the property, bundles of pale flowers and greenery, and a wooden dance floor with a band playing on an adjacent stage. This looks nothing like a birthday party to me, but it reminds me more of a wedding reception.

  I make the mistake of standing at the top of the steps too long and looking out upon the mass of people gathered in small groups here and there. The whispers start, and I hear them before I notice the heads turning in my direction. Keeping my head forward, I find my parents talking with a few of the guests. My mother looks great and not at all like a woman who just turned fifty. Her soft brown hair barely has a strand of white, and her skin is that of a much younger woman. My father, five years senior to my mother, wears his salt and pepper strands with pride. They both look healthy. Happy.

  My heart is racing like crazy, but I make my way down the steps and across the manicured lawn to where they stand. The feel of everyone’s eyes on me makes me feel nervous and on edge. But then my dad’s face turns toward me as he still laughs from the conversation he’s in, and he does a double-take before his expression falls. His eyes are glued to me as I watch him take my mother’s arm and gesture for her to look my way. Her mouth forms a soft “O” as her eyes widen and glisten with unshed tears.

  “Cole?” she says and her eyes narrow as if she’s trying to figure out if it’s really me or not.

  “Hey, Mom,” I say and take in a deep breath. “Happy birthday.”

  “Cole,” she breathes, and she practically throws her champagne flute to the lady next to her as she rushes over to me, flinging herself into my arms and holding me tight. “Oh my god, you’re really here! Not just a figment of my imagination.”

  I wrap my arms around her and return her embrace as a mix of emotions swirl within me—joy, relief, pain, heartbreak. Her tears, although happy, slice right through me.