Pretty Hate (New Adult Novel)

by Ayers, Ava

I paused for a moment as I saw my reflection over his shoulder: me looking better than I ever had in my life, a beautiful, famous man attached to my body and a scoopful of cocaine under my left nostril.

  I wondered if I should tell him that I didn’t know what I was doing, if I should fake a sneeze and blow the blow all over his jacket or if I should just shine. I thought back to the first time Rebel Love and I watched Pulp Fiction. How beautiful and sophisticated Uma Thurman looked in that hot black bob in the opening scene where she did the lines off the mirror. I covered my right nostril with my finger and inhaled the powder.

  “Good girl,” Declan said as he filled the spoon again. “Other side.”

  I inhaled the second spoonful and rested my head against the mirror. Instantly, the euphoria kicked in and I felt like the most invincible woman in the world as I watched Declan do the cocaine. I felt this drip down the back of my throat as I inhaled and every nerve ending in my body was fully engaged and activated.

  “Good, isn’t it?” he said. “It’s 100% pure, straight out of the jungles of Columbia. Patrick always has the best drugs.”

  “Organic, right?” I said and laughed.

  “Yes, exactly. Organic.”

  We flew through the door of the suite and he pushed me against the wall in the foyer and ripped my panties off. He took his jacket off and flung it across the room and unbuckled the belt. I pulled my dress over my head and he put his hand on my chest and stepped back.

  “Stay still,” he said as he pulled his shirt off. “I want to look at you. Jesus fucking Christ.”

  I stood in front of him in nothing but an overpriced bra and could not stay still because I had so much adrenaline coursing through my body. He took off his jeans and stood before me completely naked and I stared at him.

  His body was magnificent and like a bad car wreck, I could not stop looking.

  “Oh, my fucking God,” I said as I leaned against the wall and stared at him, “I’m so lucky!”

  “It’s safe to say that neither of us is particularly religious,” he said and laughed.

  He grabbed my arm and yanked me into the living room and pushed me down on the floor.

  “Don’t move, get the bra off, I’ll be right back,” he said as he ran toward the bedroom.

  He stopped at the bedroom door and stared at me.

  “Amazing,” he said and smiled. “Need anything?”

  “Um, no?”

  “Okay, back in a sec.”

  He came back into the living room and jumped on top of me.

  “God, you feel so good,” I said into his ear as I ran my fingers through his hair.

  “So do you,” he said as he bit down on my neck. “I had to get a condom.”

  “Good, get it on.”

  We rolled from one end of the living room to the other. We had sex with me on top, him on top and him behind me. He pulled my hair, I bit his chest, he bit my breasts, he spanked me hard, I clawed his back.

  It was a brawl.

  After two hours, we lay on the floor covered in sweat and bruises and looked at each other and laughed.

  “I think we missed the party,” I said as I looked at the clock on the stereo system.

  “Jesus,” he said and ran his fingers through his hair, “that was some incredibly intense sex. I knew it would be though. Knew it from the first time I met you in India’s bedroom.”

  “You did?” I said and sat up.

  “I did. Chemistry. We have a lot of chemistry between us, Beth.”

  I thought back to every email, video, podcast, eBook and infographic I poured over in the time between leaving India’s and coming to Chicago and felt my obsessive quest to become a feminine goddess and get a man hooked on me justified.

  “Yes, I feel that,” I said and stroked his arm.

  “Do you know what I want to do?”

  “More sex?” I said and smiled.

  “You are an insatiable little kitten, aren’t you? No, later. I want us to grab some beer, the blow and go to the pool.”

  “The pool? Um, I didn’t bring a suit.”

  “Oh, why not?” he said and walked across the living room.

  “Because it’s freezing and we’re in Chicago.”

  “That’s okay. Bra and panties is fine. No! Nothing at all, even better,” he said.

  “Won’t we freeze to death?”

  “It’s an indoor pool, Beth. Have you never been here before? Here, wrap up,” he said and handed me a giant bath towel.

  “No,” I said and wrapped the towel around my body, “not to the hotel. Shouldn’t the pool be closed by now?”

  “Beth, this isn’t a Holiday Inn. When you have enough money, nothing is ever closed.”

  He called down to the front desk and instructed them to open the pool. We went downstairs and tiptoed through the lobby wrapped only in towels toward the glass-enclosed pool room.

  “Oh, it’s warm,” I said as I dipped my toes in the water.

  “Yes, I told you,” he said and threw two rafts in the pool.

  He docked his iPod to the docking station and chose some songs. As the music piped through the pool’s speakers, we drifted around in the pool on the rafts drinking our beers.

  “This is the most perfect night, ever,” I said and smiled as I stared at the ceiling.

  Declan grabbed my raft and pulled it toward his.

  “There, that’s better,” he said as he held onto my raft and we floated together naked. “So, tell me something about you that no one else knows.”

  I turned my head and stared at him and he winked.

  “Like a secret?” I said.

  “If you want. Doesn’t necessarily have to be a secret, could be something you never discuss or don’t like to discuss. Whatever.”

  “Well,” I said and took a deep breath, “Hey, is this old Billy Idol?”

  “Yes, Generation X , and you’re deflecting.”

  “Okay. My father, well, my father was married when my mother took up with him. He was the lead singer of a band. Pretty famous locally, so the story goes,” I said.

  “Lead singer, huh? Like me. Do you have daddy issues, Beth?” he said and smiled.

  “No, certainly not me,” I said and laughed.

  “Of course not,” he said and splashed me. “Okay, which band was your married father in?”

  “Um, they were called Chili Cheese Dog. His name, well, his name is Mickey Sexual.”

  “Mickey Sexual is your father?”

  I looked at him and shook my head.

  “Have you heard of him?”

  “Never in my fucking life, but Mickey Sexual?”

  “I know, I know. Anyway, his wife broke up with my mother and Mickey for him and--”

  “Hold on, his wife? She broke up with them?”

  “Yeah, she sent a note to my mother that said that Mickey would not be playing with her anymore. Anyway, when Mickey Sexual's wife broke up with them, my mother, who just found out she was pregnant with me, sat at her window listening to the song Beth by Kiss because it was one of Mickey’s favorite songs. She loved Mickey the most of any man she’d ever been with and she felt that Beth kept them connected.”

  “It is a pretty good song.”

  “I know. So that's why she named me Beth, obviously. She wore out the album and her tape just listening to that same song over and over. She thought that if she listened to that song and named his daughter Beth, he’d come back to her. She was devastated when he left her. Still is.”

  “So she’s always carried a torch for Mickey Sexual and she really thought if she named you after his favorite song it would compel him to come back?”

  “Yep,” I said, “sad, but true. Anyway, I always hated my name. My sisters have interesting names and mine is just so, I don’t know, boring. Plus, the association with the song is not a happy one.”

  “What are your sisters’ names?”

  “Well, my oldest sister's name is Rebel Love. My next sister is Mazie Goodnight. And I'm just B
eth. Do you have any brothers and sisters?”

  “I’m not finished with you yet,” he said and smiled. “So, you are just Beth with a sister named Rebel Love, a sister named Mazie Goodnight and a father named Mickey Sexual?”

  “Rub it in, why don't you?” I said and splashed him.

  “I think you are the most interesting person I've ever met in my life. You're beautiful, just Beth,” he said and leaned over and kissed me.

  “Thank you. Your turn,” I said.

  “Hold on, I want to do something,” he said as he slid off the raft into the pool.

  “Where are you going? You best not leave me naked in this pool!”

  Declan walked to his iPod and pressed some buttons and jumped back into the pool and got on his raft.

  “So, you were saying?” he said and took a sip of his beer.

  “It’s your--”

  The piano intro to Beth came drifting out of the speakers. I looked at him and he smiled.

  “Sorry, I had to. Are you mad?”

  “It’s okay,” I said as I closed my eyes. “No, not at all.”

  Neither one of us said a word as Declan held on to the side of my raft and we floated in the pool and stared at the glass ceiling as we listened to Beth.

  When the song was over he ran his hand up my arm.

  “Hey, are you okay?” he said.

  “Oh, no, I’m fine. I was just thinking about the lyrics. I always avoided the song.”

  “The lyrics tie in to how your mother felt, don’t they? It’s as if there’s a parallel between the lyrics and your dad and mum.”

  “Yeah, except Mickey Sexual was most certainly not in Kiss.”

  “No,” Declan said and sighed. “What was his band called again?”

  “Chili Cheese Dog,” I said.

  “Horrible name for a band, love. I’ll have to look them up,” he said and yawned.

  “Can’t, well, you won’t find anything. I’ve tried. There’s not a single reference to the band Chili Cheese Dog anywhere on the Internet. I did find a band called Corn Dog Gut Bomb out of San Diego, though. They seem to do okay.”

  “Do you talk to him much?”

  “Never. And it’s your turn. Tell me something about you that no one knows,” I said and yawned.

  “I’m lonely,” he said.

  “You’re lonely?” I said and stared at him.

  “Yes. I never lack company, but I’m lonely. Disconnected, maybe?”

  “I can’t even imagine...”

  “’Tis true, baby,” he said and finished his beer and threw the empty can in the pool.

  “You know what?” I said.

  “What?” he said as he walked his fingers up my leg.

  “I like your life.”

  “You do?” he said and smiled. “Well, you know what?”

  “What?”

  “I like my life with you in it.”

  CHAPTER SIXTEEN

  I heard a terrible commotion before I opened my eyes. There were people laughing, flashes going off, people calling Declan’s name and children screaming. My head pounded and I thought I was having some kind of aural hallucination. I opened my eyes and blinked rapidly as I stared at the ceiling above me. I had no idea where I was.

  “Declan! Get the fuck up, now!” a man shouted.

  I turned my head and saw Alistair standing at the edge of the pool holding up a towel. Declan was passed out on his raft and there were several empty beer cans floating in the pool around us. And beyond Alistair, there stood about fifty-six people staring at us, photographers taking pictures of us and children with their noses pressed up against the glass windows looking at us.

  “Oh my God!” I said as my raft tipped and I fell into the water.

  “Declan White, wake the fuck up!” Alistair screamed. “Push him, Beth! All those vultures were standing around here watching and taking pictures of you for at least thirty minutes before I got here!”

  I swam over to Declan’s raft and tipped him over. He fell into the water and jumped out sputtering.

  “What the fuck?” Declan said and looked around the pool room.

  “Beth, I meant push the raft toward me! Doesn’t matter, come on, now. Get out of the pool.”

  Alistair held up a towel for me and I flew up the pool steps and wrapped it around my body as the people watching us clapped.

  “Come on, Declan,” Alistair said.

  Declan got out of the pool and turned to everyone and bowed as they cheered.

  “Jesus,” Alistair said, “just cover up.”

  “Good morning, darling,” Declan said and kissed me on the cheek. “You’re looking ravishing.”

  “She looks like a drown rat!” Alistair said. “And she’s going to miss her flight! It’s nearly noon. I don’t know what the hell you two were doing, but you will be lucky if you don’t catch pneumonia and we aren’t sued by the Four Seasons!”

  I had to dress myself in the limo as Patrick drove Declan and I to the airport. My hair was soaking wet and I was starving.

  “I think I left my panties,” I said as I pulled a turtleneck over my head. “I don’t want to go home.”

  “I know,” he said and pulled me against his body, “I don’t want you to either. Listen, as soon as you get home check on your passport, okay? I have a house in Spain and I’m going to go there to chill out for a bit after we play England next week. I’ll send you a ticket, yes?”

  I looked at him and threw my arms around him.

  “Yes!”

  “Good. We’ll chill out in Spain maybe hop over to Ibiza for the night. It’ll be fun.”

  I looked at him and thought of Nicolas.

  “Don’t say it if it’s not true, okay?” I said and shook my head.

  “Of course not, darling. You will find that I am a lot of things, but a liar is not one of them. I’m honest to a fault. How do you feel?”

  “Horrible. I’ll miss you. I’m sorry if I got you into trouble with Alistair and the Four Seasons.”

  “Nonsense, Alistair works for me and the hotel does too, actually. I think we taught some children more about anatomy than their parents cared for, but fuck it, it happens.”

  Declan promised to call me a couple of days later when he got to England and we kissed in the departure lane as a TSA agent blew his whistle at us. When I got on the plane, I told the flight attendant that I needed a Bloody Mary, an aspirin, informed her I was listening to Tuesday’s Gone by Lynryd Skynryd and passed out.

  I hammered Rebel Love with every detail about the trip that I could think of and we laughed as we drove through Charleston. She insisted we apply for my passport right then, even though I made her pull over so I could throw up in the 7-11 bathroom, because she did not want me to miss out on Spain.

  We stopped at her bank so she could get my birth certificate out of her safety deposit box and drove on to the county courthouse.

  “What did I tell you?” she said and punched me in the arm as we waited in line for our turn at the counter.

  “Rebel Love, I swear, I kept waiting for all the bad things I thought were going to happen to happen and they never did! Man, this picture is God-awful,” I said as I stared at my passport picture.

  “All passport pictures are God-awful,” she said. “Except for mine. I had mine professionally taken. Come on, our turn.”

  We walked up to the counter and bitchy Rose Shimmel who used to be in my Biology class, waited on us.

  “You’re looking...good, Beth,” she said as she stared at me.

  “You too, Rose,” I said and sighed. “When’s the baby due?”

  “Had her over four months ago, Beth, thanks,” she said and rolled her eyes.

  Rebel Love snickered.

  “We are going to want the expedited option, Rose,” Rebel Love said. “Beth cannot be waiting long for this passport. She’s going to Europe, you know.”

  “Expedited option costs, Rebel Love,” Rose said.

  “I don’t care what it costs, Rose,”
Rebel Love said and put Ivory-Lou’s credit card on the counter. “We want the expedited option. Beth is flying to Spain to meet her boyfriend.”

  “Boyfriend?” Rose said and stared at me. “You got over Billy awful quick. Shame what happened to him...vegetable and all.”

  “Billy Rider hasn’t been Beth’s boyfriend for quite a long time, Rose,” Rebel Love said. “Her boyfriend is Declan White, you know, from the band Luckless.”

  Rose looked at me and shook her head.

  “That so? Then what are you still doing in West Virginia?” she said.

  “I won’t be for long, Rose,” I said and smiled.

  I didn’t hear from Declan for five days and fell back into my obsession. I tried to concentrate on continuing my goddess training, but old habits die really hard.

  “Where the fuck are you?” I said as I stared at his “Single” relationship status on his Facebook page. “Please don’t go silent on me yet.”

  I sent myself texts and emails to make sure there wasn’t a clog in some pipe that only affected me. I called myself from other telephones to make sure my phone still worked, despite getting calls from my friends. I watched every YouTube video Luckless had and scrolled through every picture posted on the Internet. I read every magazine article posted about Declan. I read about his past girlfriends, all beautiful, and my doubts once-again amped.

  “Hey,” Ivory-Lou said as he opened my door. “We’re getting ready to watch a movie on Netflix. Get on out here.”

  “I don’t think so,” I said and stared at Declan’s profile picture. “What are you gonna watch?”

  “Your sister wants to watch that goddamn Love Actually again.”

  “God, no. Definitely not.”

  “Yeah,” he said and sighed. “Get out here. We’ll convince her to watch something else.”

  “I don’t know,” I said and stared at him. “I think I’m in pain.”

  “What did I tell you about him, Beth? One and done,” he said and sat on my bed.

  I looked at him and tears filled my eyes.

  “Ivory-Lou, I thought it would be different.”

  “Jesus, stop crying,” he said and looked at the ground. “Your eyes are going to look permanently swollen and shit.”

  I pushed my computer off my lap and covered my eyes with my hands.