Pretty Hate (New Adult Novel)

by Ayers, Ava

  “Fuck!” Mickey said and screamed. “Just tell me what you want!”

  “My name,” I said and stood up. “I want to know my name.”

  “I don’t even know who the fuck you are!” Mickey said as he struggled against Ivory-Lou.

  “Just tell me what my name is and we’ll leave. I don’t want anything else from you. Please, just tell me my name.”

  “It’s Beth! You said it was Beth!” he said as he cried.

  “For Christ’s sake, Beth, spell it out to the startender, he’s being obtuse. Yeah, I looked it up.”

  “My last name!” I said. “I want to know what my last name is.”

  “How the hell am I supposed to know what your fucking name is?”

  As I stared at him, I thought of my mother who made a mess of her life over this man, a man who didn’t even know who she was and the rage exploded in my heart.

  “Because you’re my goddamn father! Jesus,” I said and grabbed the gun off the bar and pointed it at him.

  “Oh, Beth, hold on,” Ivory-Lou said, “that’s loaded.”

  “Good!” I said as I pointed the gun at Mickey’s face. “Tell me my fucking name!”

  “I’d tell her, Mickey,” Ivory-Lou said. “Keep that thing pointed on the cracker and not me, Beth!”

  “You’re saying you’re my daughter, right? So, you want my l-last name. Okay, m-my last name is Sexual. Is that what you want?”

  “No! I want your real last name!” I said and leaned over the bar and held the gun to his forehead. “You mean nothing to me, do you understand? Why my mother spent her entire life pining after you is beyond me, but I can do shit-all about it. Now, I have had the shittiest forty-eight hours of my entire life, I’m crashing from some drug that nearly killed me and I’m hung over as fuck. My judgment ain’t so good. Tell me your name or so help me God, I will shoot you right where you stand!”

  “I told you my name! Please,” he said and cried.

  “Tell me your real fucking last name!”

  “It’s Sexual, I told you. My name is Mickey Sexual!” he said as he sobbed.

  “Tell me your name!”

  “It’s Mickey Sexual! Look, look,” Mickey said to Ivory-Lou, “take my wallet out of my back pocket.”

  I held the gun on Mickey’s head as Ivory-Lou pulled his wallet out of his back pocket and opened it.

  “The l-license, look at it,” Mickey said.

  Ivory-Lou pulled Mickey’s license out of his wallet and stared at it and shook his head.

  “Beth?” Ivory-Lou said.

  “Tell me your name!” I said and pressed the gun into Mickey’s forehead.

  “Ask him!” Mickey said and screamed. “Please don’t kill me! My name is Mickey Sexual! I had it changed legal in 1985. My real name is Mickey Sexual!”

  I looked at Ivory-Lou and shook my head. He nodded and threw Mickey’s license on the bar.

  “No,” I said as I stared at it. “It can’t be.”

  “I told you!” Mickey said and wailed. “My name is Mickey Sexual.”

  “Fuck!” I said and cried as I held the gun on Mickey. “I should shoot your ass just for that!”

  “Beth, give me the gun and go wait by the car,” Ivory-Lou said.

  “I-I can’t believe this. How can this even be?” I said as I stared at him and cried. “It can’t be true!”

  “Beth, it’s okay,” Ivory-Lou said. “Give me the gun and go on out. Now.”

  I handed Ivory-Lou the gun and ran out of the bar to the car. I sat in the dirt next to the tire and sobbed. My lifetime mystery was solved. I was Beth Sexual.

  About five minutes later I heard three gunshots and stood up and stared at the bar door.

  “Oh, no, please,” I said.

  He flew out of the bar holding the gun and ran toward me.

  “Get in the fucking car!” Ivory-Lou said as he ran across the street.

  We jumped in the car and he started it and stared at me.

  “Please give me just five minutes of silence,” he said and peeled out onto the street.

  I rested my head on the dashboard and sobbed as Ivory-Lou drove like a bat out of hell away from Nitro.

  “Take me to my mother’s house,” I said as we got onto the highway.

  He grabbed his phone and called Rebel Love.

  “Yeah, we’re fine. Uh,” he said and stared at me, “she wants to go to your mama’s. You should probably meet us.”

  Ivory-Lou hung up and looked at me.

  “Don’t you want to know what happened in there?” he said.

  “No,” I said and stared out the window.

  “I’ll tell you if you want.”

  “Don’t care,” I said. “Just glad it was you who walked out.”

  “You sure you want to see your mama in a Ho’s Gotta Eat shirt?”

  “Don’t care about that either,” I said and closed my eyes.

  “I’m thinking now of a quote from my favorite book. You want to hear it?”

  “If it has anything to do with rock stars or scumbag fathers or breakups, nope,” I said and stared at him.

  “No,” he said and chuckled. “Uh, ‘In the midst of chaos, there is also opportunity.’ Pretty good one, you think?”

  “It’s okay. Who said that?”

  “Sun Tzu, Art of War. You want to read it?”

  “No. And I’ve seen that movie, by the way. You should be arrested for plagiarism.”

  “They haven’t made a movie of Art of War.”

  “Ghost Dog...black guy, thinks he’s a samurai befriends a girl and tries to instill her with wisdom. Original.”

  “Yeah, smart ass, I’ve seen it too. Not where I was going and not the same thing.”

  “Whatever.”

  When we got to Merry-Bell’s, Ivory-Lou and I stood at her door and he looked at me.

  “You’re gonna be fine,” he said. “You don’t look like you’re gonna be fine, anyone who didn’t know you would cross to the other side of the street if they saw you coming right now, but you will be fine.”

  “Thanks,” I said and rang the doorbell.

  Merry-Bell opened the door and looked at me and smiled. Then she stared at Ivory-Lou and shook her head.

  “This your new feller, Beth?”

  “No, Merry-Bell, this is Rebel Love’s boyfriend, Ivory-Lou, remember? You threw a tomato at him last year when he came to pick me up because you thought he was trying to steal your car.”

  “Oh, yeah,” she said and peered at him over her glasses. “You come for revenge?”

  “No,” I said and sighed. “He’s with me.”

  “I thought you said he was Rebel Love’s feller.”

  “Merry-Bell, I’m here to see my mother. Can you please let us in?”

  “I’ll just wait in the car,” Ivory-Lou said and turned to walk away.

  “No!” I said and grabbed his hand. “Merry-Bell, let us in.”

  “I ain’t never had no colored cross my threshold,” Merry-Bell said as she stared at Ivory-Lou.

  “First time for everything,” he said as he looked down at her.

  “You got some clean nostrils. You groom?” she said as she squinted and looked up his nose.

  “Yes, ma’am,” he said. “I get pedicures too.

  “You ain’t gonna take my television, are you?”

  “No, ma’am,” he said. “I have my own.”

  “Well, okay, get on in here before the neighbors call the police. I’m on probation, you know.”

  CHAPTER TWENTY-TWO

  Ivory-Lou and I walked into the house. My mother sat at the dining room table having a drink and Merry-Bell sat down next to her. Ivory-Lou and I stood next to the table.

  “I don’t have any fried chicken, but I did make deviled ham casserole if y’all are hungry,” Merry-Bell said as she stared at Ivory-Lou.

  “Uh, no ma’am,” Ivory-Lou said. “Beth?”

  “No.”

  “Well, come sit,” Merry-Bell said.

&nbs
p; “Long time, Beth,” my mother said as she stared at me. “That is an interesting shirt.”

  “Not why I came here, Mama,” I said.

  “Your sister called me and told me about Spain,” she said.

  “You called that, didn’t you?” I said.

  “I didn’t call anything, Beth. I didn’t even know about it, apart from what your sisters told me. You and I weren’t on speaking terms.”

  “I saw him today,” I said. “Just came from Nitro.”

  “Did you see the wrestlers?” Merry-Bell said.

  “No, I saw the sperm donor,” I said.

  My mother looked at me and shook her head.

  “How did...”

  “He look? Pretty bad. I just don’t understand it. I’d also tell you that he remembered you when I told him who I was and said to tell you hi, but I’m not a liar. He’s real scum, Mama.”

  “Well, what did he say?” she said and looked out the window.

  “Aw, let’s see, um, he asked me if I’m the one who always sends him the, what did he call it?” I said and turned to Ivory-Lou. “Oh, yeah, the pussy pics. He also asked if I wanted to go into the back room with him and see the famous dick of fury. Is that what he called it when he was with you, Mama, the famous dick of fury?”

  “Famous dick of fury?” Merry-Bell said. “Is he a wrestler too?”

  “Even better, he’s a bartender,” I said.

  “Actually,” Ivory-Lou said, “he said startender.”

  “Oh, that’s right...startender. So, he’s scum with entitlement issues. But more than asking me if I wanted to see the famous dick of fury, more than when he denied even knowing you and my existence, the best part of the visit came when he showed his license and revealed that his legal name is in fact, Mickey Sexual.”

  “So, that makes you Beth Sexual,” Merry-Bell said and nodded. “I like it.”

  “You are Beth Munroe,” my mother said and stared at me, “just like it says on your birth certificate.”

  Rebel Love ran into the house and knelt beside my chair and looked into my eyes.

  “Oh, Jesus,” she said as she put her arms around my waist and rested her head in my lap. “I’m so happy you’re home.”

  “Go sit with Ivory-Lou, Rebel Love,” I said and stroke her hair. “We’ll be done soon.”

  Rebel Love got up and sat in Ivory-Lou’s lap.

  “I don’t have any watermelon, Rebel Love, but I could whip up some of my ambrosia,” Merry-Bell said.

  “Uh, no, I’m okay,” Rebel Love said and rested her head against Ivory-Lou’s shoulder.

  “So I started thinking about my life, Mama, like why I’ve always felt my skin was slapped on the wrong skeleton and why I’ve always felt embarrassed for breathing. Why do I feel beautiful when I am in the company of a man who thinks that I am and then take the tiniest scraps he throws me and feel ugly when I’m around you?”

  “Please do enlighten me, Beth,” my mother said and turned to me.

  “I want to know why you hate me,” I said. “I mean, I thought you hated me because maybe I was the reason Mickey left you, but that’s not it. He doesn’t even know who you are.”

  “Here we go again,” she said and slammed her glass on the table, “we get to listen to the millions of ways I ruined your life.”

  “Mama,” Rebel Love said, “just hear Beth out.”

  “I think the reason you hate me so is because you know you wasted your life longing for this man who never cared about you and deep down you know he never cared, and I represent that.”

  “You represent that?” she said and shook her head. “I think you been hanging around that crazy girl India too much.”

  “Mama?” Rebel Love said.

  “Maybe so,” I said and chuckled, “but I tell you what, as much as I’ve messed things up and as many times my heart’s been broken, at least I took the risk. I am the girl who flies across the country, the world, to take a chance on the man she wants. You never even left your goddamn living room.”

  “Seems to me your way is the desperate way,” she said. “You think you’re superior to me? You should see yourself right now, Beth.”

  “She had a hard day,” Ivory-Lou said and stared at my mother.

  “I did not ask to be born, Mama. And you have resented me my whole goddamn life and the thing is, I just wanted you to acknowledge me. You never even watched me,” I said and looked down at the table.

  “What are you talking about?” she said.

  “It’s always bothered me that you never watched me. Whenever we had those concerts in the house when we were little, you’d always watch Rebel Love and Mazie Goodnight do their songs, but you always left the room when it was my turn.”

  “I certainly did watch you!” my mother said. “Remember when you did that old Al Green song? That was beautiful, Beth.”

  “That was Mazie, Mama!” I said.

  “What performances?” Ivory-Lou said.

  “We used to go through Johnny Munroe’s old albums,” Rebel Love said. “We’d pick out songs for each other to do and then sing them with the record. We dressed up. It was fun. And, Mama, I agree with Beth. It was noticeable.”

  “Now she’s infected your brain with lies too? Did I ever do any right as your mother?” she said and looked into her empty glass.

  “You know what I’ve wanted from you all my life, Mama? For once, just one time, you ask me how I am before you start on a tirade about every little insignificant thing going wrong in your life. When did you ever just hug me or tell me everything was gonna be okay?”

  “That ain’t my way, Beth. Besides, it’s not my job to blow sunshine up your ass.”

  “You’re my fucking mother!” I said. “I wanted you to take care of me, Mama. I only wanted you to take care of me same way you expected me to take care of you. And today, I’ve come from seeing the reason you were a vegetable all my life and I can’t shore it up in my head. I just can’t.”

  “Beth,” Rebel Love said, “you’re tired and this doesn’t seem to be getting you anywhere. Let’s go home.”

  I watched my mother staring out the dining room window of Merry-Bell’s house as Ivory-Lou backed out of her driveway.

  “I just want her to say she understands,” I said as I rested my head against the car’s window. “I don’t want her to do anything or solve any problem, I don’t even want an apology. I just want her to say: I understand, Beth.”

  “But she does not understand, Beth. And it really doesn’t matter. All the understanding in the world from that woman is not gonna change one goddamn thing,” he said. “You need to get past this, be a warrior, Beth. You think I had any easy life? Shit, it doesn’t take fucking Freud to figure out that a man who grows up to be a pimp must have had a bit of a rocky upbringing.”

  “I know there are some worse,” I said and stared at him.

  “You need to fight through, like I did. I never stood down, Beth and never followed one fucking rule. Stop following the rules, Beth.”

  I walked into the house, took a long, scalding shower and fell into my bed. I slept for forty-eight hours and when I woke up, I did not leave my room for seven days.

  Rebel Love and the girls left food outside my door three times a day and Ivory-Lou came in periodically to check on me. I turned off my phone so I didn’t see any more calls or texts from India and Stephanie came by every day and taped a note to my door.

  I deleted my Facebook page and unsubscribed to the comment notifications on my video at smutzoo.com. I stared at my ceiling and one thought flew through my head more than any other: what are you going to do, Beth?

  I went up in my closet and pulled down three shoeboxes that I kept hidden in the back. Inside were rolls and rolls of undeveloped film. I dumped the boxes out on my bed and stared at them.

  “You can do this, Beth,” I said and opened my computer.

  Ivory-Lou came in a few hours later for his nightly check-in.

  “What’s all this?” he said as
he pushed the film aside and sat on my bed.

  “I was wondering if you’d consider helping me build a darkroom.”

  He stared at the film rolls and nodded.

  “What kind of an investment you talking about?”

  “I don’t know, I’ve been doing some research and I think about a grand.”

  “How much do you have?” he said and as he stared at me.

  “Um, about two dollars,” I said and smiled.

  “You know where to get all this shit? I don’t want anything half-assed in my home.”

  “Yeah, I do.”

  “Top of the line, Beth. You’re either in it to win it or you don’t even bother, understand?”

  “Did Sun Tzu say that?”

  It took two weeks and when it was all finished, I built a fairly sophisticated darkroom in a room off the patio near Ivory-Lou’s pool.

  “You have your own artist’s space, Beth,” Rebel Love said one morning when she brought me a cup of coffee. “I think this is amazing.”

  “Ivory-Lou even set up a sweet little stereo system for me so I can listen to music,” I said and smiled.

  “I’m proud of you, Beth,” Rebel Love said. “You’re finally taking control. Mazie Goodnight is going to freak when she sees it.”

  “Has she said anything to you about that Matthew thing she was talking about?”

  “I think she’s over that, Beth. You know, we all go through different phases.”

  “Well, I’m excited to see her whether she shows up in a moustache or not,” I said and poured some developer into a tray. “I found a whole roll of film from when we were kids. I’m going to try to have them done by tomorrow.”

  “Good. Um, have you spoken with India?”

  “Nope,” I said. “She’s called me a million times, sent texts and emails...I’ve ignored all of them. There is nothing she could possibly say.”

  “Yeah, I get it. You look better, Beth.”

  “I think the Ecstasy finally left my system.”

  I worked all night developing a roll of film I found from when me, Mazie Goodnight and Rebel Love were kids. I hung a line across the room for drying the pictures and as I pinned them to the line, I noticed something in the corner of one of the photographs that made me gasp.