“I don’t want to ignore you. I just don’t think I can make you understand why I like her. I know she doesn’t show her best side all of the time, but she’s private and kinda guarded with people she doesn’t know well. Around her friends she’s very outgoing.”
“Are you outgoing around her friends? Or do you act bored by them like Marina does?”
“We’re in a relationship, Terri. I try to make her happy, and getting along with her friends is part of the deal.”
Terri was silent for a moment and Callie heard her unasked question. Why doesn’t Marina do that for you?
“I’ve gotta go. Think of me when Marina’s doing you like mad.”
Callie laughed. “Don’t take this the wrong way, but when Marina’s doing me, I wouldn’t notice if the apartment was on fire.”
Chapter Two
Two weeks later, Marina was rushing to get ready for an evening flight to Boston. She’d just gotten in the shower when Callie heard a phone ring and recognized it as her own. Puzzled, sure she’d left it in her office, she followed the distinctive sound of a xylophone to the foyer. Her head tilted in confusion. Why was her phone in Marina’s coat pocket?
She reached inside and pulled out the device just in time for it to stop. Staring at it perplexed, she started towards the bathroom to ask Marina why she’d taken it. After just a few steps, a text message showed in the window. “I can’t wait to see you. I’ve been counting the days.”
Now even more confused, she stared at the message for a moment. Why was the name Angela Kirkland so familiar? Then it hit her—Angela worked for Marina’s company in the Boston office, the office Marina was traveling to.
She turned the phone over in her hand, checking to verify it was her own. It was the default screen saver, not the photo she’d loaded. But Marina didn’t have this brand of phone. In fact, she made fun of the phone and the company, called her a fan-girl who bought everything that fell from the corporate tree. Callie clicked on the contacts button and saw just a few—all friends of Marina.
So this had to be a phone Marina bought. That didn’t make sense, but nothing else added up. Suddenly, a cold, dark tendril of suspicion coursed through her body. Something—a force outside herself—compelled her to act. She wouldn’t have believed anyone who claimed she’d have the nerve or the desire to do what she did next. Fingers shaking, stomach turning, she texted back. “Me too.”
Her pulse was hammering so loudly it seemed to envelop her. It took just seconds for the response, but they were dramatically long seconds.
“I’ve been dreaming of all of the things I’m going to do to you.”
Automatically, Callie wrote back. “Me too. Gotta go.” There was no need to look when the last message came in. It didn’t matter what it said. There was nothing Angela Kirkland could say that would stop the shaking, the rage, or the sorrow. She wasn’t aware of her body, didn’t notice when it slid down the wall and left her slumped against it like a discarded doll.
It could have been seconds or minutes, but Marina started to roll her suitcase down the hall, calling, “Callie? I’m taking off.”
When she reached the foyer, she gasped and let her suitcase fall to the floor as she lunged for Callie. “What’s wrong?” She was clearly panicked, and her hands slid along Callie’s arms and legs, trying to ascertain how she’d hurt herself. “Can you hear me?” she asked, her voice tight with fear.
Unable to speak or even to focus, Callie extended the phone in Marina’s direction. Nonplussed, Marina took it and started to toss it aside. But Callie’s thin voice said, “Look at it.”
Confusedly, Marina did, switching her attention between the phone and her lover. But as soon as she read the messages all neatly lined up in one window, she shifted her weight and plopped onto her ass, almost mirroring Callie’s pose.
“Ah, damn,” she muttered. “I know what this looks like, baby, but that’s not what it is.”
For some reason, it occurred to Callie that Marina’s faint Dallas accent got thicker when she was trying to get out of a jam. She idly wondered if that was intentional or if this was the way she spoke when she was unguarded.
“Come on, Callie, talk to me.”
“Why?” She finally felt like she was at least tenuously connected to her surroundings. “Why? Why hurt me like this? Why?”
“It just happened. I didn’t want it to, but Angela came by my room one night when we were at a conference and she…” She took in a breath. “I don’t want to make her sound like an asshole, but I felt like I had to go along.”
Callie couldn’t think of a response.
“I know it sounds bad, but I didn’t want to have sex with her. I never like to mix sex and business.” She grasped Callie by the shoulders and squeezed her tightly. “I should have told you when it happened, but I felt…stupid. I did it because I didn’t want her to vote against me when my promotion comes up.”
Callie looked at her. How had they ever been intimate? “Is that supposed to make it all right?”
“No. I know what I did was wrong, I know that. But I was ashamed to admit it. I know I shouldn’t have done it and I should have been an adult and admitted it. Then I wouldn’t be in this ridiculous position.”
Another long stare didn’t make Marina seem any more familiar. Maybe this person had wandered into the wrong apartment. She was definitely speaking an indecipherable language. Confusion filled her mind. But it was her turn to talk. “I don’t know.”
“You don’t know what, baby? Tell me.” Marina was nearly pleading now, her accent so pronounced she might have just jumped off her horse to come in and sit on the floor.
“I just don’t know.” She slid down a little further. It took too much energy to stay upright.
“I know I made a mistake, but it wasn’t…” Marina ran a hand though Callie’s thick red hair, pushing it from her eyes. “I swear I’ve been one hundred percent committed to our agreement—except for this one time. And this wasn’t really cheating. It wasn’t like that. I didn’t want it; I didn’t like it. I was just doing what I thought I had to do. But I was wrong. I should have quit. I’m so sorry I didn’t.”
“Fine.” She would’ve agreed to anything to get her to leave.
“I’ve got to go, baby. Come on. Please!” Marina got to her feet and grasped Callie by the arms. She tried to pull her into an upright position, but was barely successful. “Sweetheart, I can’t leave you like this. Come on. Please, stand up.”
Realization slowly dawned that she had to give in to these insistent demands to be left alone. Slowly, she got her feet under her and allowed herself to be pulled upright.
“Are you all right?”
“Sure.” She craved solitude in a way she could almost taste. “Goodbye.”
“Aww, you know I can’t walk out on you when you’re acting like this. God damn.”
“Go.” If she could sound like herself, Marina would leave. Easily. “It’s fine.”
“Are you sure?” Marina’s head was bobbing up and down as if willing her to agree.
“It’s fine.”
“Okay.” Marina took a quick look at her watch. “I’ll call you as soon as I can.” She hugged her tightly, whispering. “I’m so sorry.”
“It’s fine.” Her voice was automatic, computer generated. “Bye.”
“I’ll call.” Marina took one last look, grabbed her coat and gloves, picked up the handle of her suitcase and eased out of the door. The sound of her running footsteps echoed down the hall.
*
The hours passed with Callie doing nothing more than going over and over the last year and a half. How had they gotten here? Had Marina lied about everything?
She hadn’t eaten, and her stomach was empty and sour. Marina’s betrayal was just starting to reach the rational part of her brain, and she had to stop before it knocked her to her knees. She was so sad and lonely. Bracingly lonely. She didn’t want to be alone for another minute, but she didn’t want to talk to anyone ei
ther…especially anyone who knew Marina. So she put her shoes on, combed her hair and quickly washed her face, then drove to her favorite local bar.
Talking would only have made things worse, so she was relieved to see no one that she knew. Ordering a beer and a burger, she sat at the far end of the bar, waiting for her food. After a few minutes a woman approached and tentatively asked, “Mind if I join you?”
Callie snapped out of her fog and saw a woman who’d previously caught her eye a couple of times. “Uhm, sure, but I’m not very good company tonight.”
“Something wrong?” the woman asked, signaling the bartender for a beer. “I’m Linda, by the way.”
“Hi. Callie. Nice to meet you.” She took a sip of her beer. “I just found out my girlfriend cheated on me.”
“Ooo. Every time I’ve seen you here you’ve been with a group. I thought you were single.”
“No, I’m not…at least not yet. That might change. Soon.”
“Well, I don’t want to wish you bad luck, but…” Linda smiled, her face made all the more attractive by a warm, somewhat shy expression.
Taking another drink, Callie surveyed the woman quickly. She was just her type and she knew she could easily take the woman home without a twinge of guilt. But she also knew she’d be doing it to even things up between her and Marina. And she would never, ever use another woman like that. “I’d love to hang out if I wind up single. But tonight…well, tonight I don’t know what in the heck I am.”
*
By the time she got home Marina had called her fifteen times. She’d also sent an e-mail, obviously written on her PDA while waiting at the airport.
Callie,
I don’t have a good excuse for what I did. I know it was wrong, and I knew it was wrong at the time. All I can say is that I screwed up and I’m sorry. I know that isn’t much, but it’s all I have.
I don’t know if it matters, but I don’t have feelings for Angela. She’s just a co-worker, a co-worker I let myself believe I had to make happy. I know how stupid that sounds now, but that night it seemed like my only option.
I didn’t think of it as cheating, even though it obviously was. It didn’t seem like it because I didn’t think it would put our relationship at risk, and that’s the basis of our agreement, right?
Angela lives a thousand miles away, she’s in a relationship, and she’s a co-worker. I’m not seriously attracted to her and I know she feels the same about me. For her it was just a way to blow off some steam after a mind-fuck of a client dinner. For me it was a way to make sure I hadn’t wasted the last 3 years of my career.
The facts don’t excuse what I did, and they certainly don’t make it any less hurtful for you, I’m sure. But I want you to know what happened, for what it’s worth.
I love you, Callie, and I desperately want your forgiveness. Please give me the chance to explain this all better.
Marina.
She looked at the note for a long time, but realizing how detached she felt, knew she was wasting her time. Time she could have spent in bed, where the big, fluffy pillows were practically calling her name.
*
After twelve hours of a near-coma, Callie finally dragged herself out of bed. She tried to go about her day, but it took an hour to manage a shower and a bowl of cereal. Making coffee was out of the question. It was too complex for the brainpower she had available. She surprised herself a little by picking up the phone and making a call.
“Dad?”
“Hi.” He sounded sunny and wide awake. “What’s up?”
“Can I come see you?”
“I’m playing golf at one, but…I can cancel. Is everything all right? You don’t sound like yourself.”
“I’ve heard that a couple of times in the last day or so.”
“Let me come to your place. I’m playing golf not too far from you.”
“Okay. If you don’t mind.”
“I’ll be there in a half hour.”
Callie sniffled with the certainty that her father’s love was one thing she never doubted. He had his faults, plenty of them, but she knew he loved her.
*
They’d been talking a long while when Jeff Emerson leaned back in his chair, looking more than a little stunned. “I’ve gotta say, you’ve given me a bagful of information here, Chicklet, and it’s gonna take some time to sort through it all.”
“I know it’s weird talking about sex, but I just had to unload and I don’t have anyone else I trust as much as I do you. Are you really sure you don’t mind?”
Jeff shook his head, his pale, straight hair moving around his head when he did. “No, no, not at all. My friends all complain that their kids never tell them anything important.” He scratched the back of his neck, shyly grinning at his daughter. “Maybe they should count their blessings.”
“I can talk to Gretchen or Emily about this, Dad. Really.”
He gazed at her for a minute, then shook his head again. “No, if you wanted to talk to them, you would have. Do they know about your…what do you call it?”
She shrugged. “No, they don’t. And we call it our arrangement. Our agreement.”
“They called it swinging when I was your age.”
“No, that’s a different thing. We’re monogamous when we’re in Dallas, but when we’re away from home we can sleep with someone else as long as we get permission. We both have to agree.”
He scratched his neck again, more forcefully this time. He’d never seemed so frazzled. “What’s the difference between that and swinging?”
“Swingers usually bring another couple in to have sex with both of them. We don’t do that.”
“Why? Isn’t this…worse than swinging? At least you’d be together.”
He didn’t get it. It was probably too much to expect him to. “I don’t want to be together and watch her have sex. That would make me sick. What she does on her own time is her business.”
“Right.” He nodded, still looking confused. “You only cheat when you’re out of town.”
“It’s not cheating!” How could he ever understand? “What Marina did was cheat.”
“Okay. Okay. I don’t see how you can cheat when you’re allowed to have sex with strangers whenever you’re out of town, but if it makes sense to you, that’s what matters.”
“It does make sense when we follow the rules. It does.” That sounded like begging. She had to show she was convinced for him to buy in.
“This has worked for you? Until now?”
“Yeah. It has.”
“And you’ve been doing this the whole time?”
“We talked about it before we got together, so yeah.”
“Is this…uhm…common for…you know…girls like you?”
“I think it’s more common for guys like you.” She wished she could have prevented that last sentence from leaving her mouth, but it was out. Maybe it was time. She reached out and grasped his hand, squeezing it. “I didn’t mean it like that. I just think more straight couples have open relationships than lesbians. I think it’s harder for women to get their heads around it.” Pain etched his features and she hurried to add, “I know you regret what you did.”
“Worst thing I’ve done in my life,” he said for what Callie estimated was the thousandth time. “I thought I was just having a discreet little fling, but it cost me my family and my whole way of life.” He sank down in the sofa, looking utterly defeated. “If it hadn’t been for you and Emily, I think I would have ended it all.”
That would have been just perfect. Having him leave the house almost killed her. What would have happened if he’d killed himself. She couldn’t stand even the thought. She got up and sat next to him, pulling him into a tender hug—the kind he’d given her every night before he was booted out. “Don’t even think about that. We need our dad and I’m darned happy I finally live close enough to see you more often. Emily’s jealous,” she said, showing the happiness sisters seem to get from having something the other doesn’t.
“Gretchen’s not. She doesn’t care if I live or die.”
“That’s not true. She just…she’s just like mom. Things are black or white for her. It’s not just you that she judges. She’s not wild about me being with Marina.”
“Because of the open relationship?”
“No. Because Marina’s a woman.” She chuckled. “It seems that still matters to some people. My narrow-minded sister, for one.”
“That’s ridiculous.” He frowned. “How do you turn your back on family?”
He was so clueless sometimes. How could he ask that question when he’d moved to Dallas—just to escape the bad memories of Phoenix. To save himself from pain, he’d made it worse for them. So much worse. He had called every night to read to her, but that hadn’t make a dent in the loss.
“She hasn’t turned her back on me, she just lectures me about how childish I’m being. She thinks my sexual orientation is a sign of my inability to be in a mature, fully developed relationship. She thinks I’m taking the easy way out.”
“I never should have paid to send her to school to study psychology. She cherry-picks all of the things that support her views and ignores the rest.”
Callie leaned back and looked at him, trying not to dwell on the fact that her father paid for Gretchen to go to a private school, while she had to go to a state university. Even worse, Gretchen had completely wasted the money. She had a degree from a good school and had never worked full time. “That’s remarkably accurate. How do you know so much about her?”
“Just from things you and Emily tell me. She does sound a lot like your mom.”
“Too much. They get together and figure out what to complain about that day. It’s too much.”
“You know, I think I’m a sharp guy, but it just dawned on me why you wanted to talk this over with me.”
“I called because I respect your opinion, Dad.”
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