He straightened up, assuming his normal posture, looking like the middle-aged systems engineer that he was. Intelligence radiated from his blue eyes, and his gaze was sharp. “Yeah, I know. But I think you’re hoping I can tell you what goes on in a person’s mind to lead him, or her, in this case, to cheat.” His eyes got bigger. “Especially when she practically has carte blanche to sleep with whoever she wants to.”
“It’s not quite that broad of an agreement, but she certainly has a lot of freedom.”
“If I’d had just a snippet of that I’d still be with your mother.”
“Yeah, you probably would. But for mom to give you a little leeway would have killed her. She’s just not the type. Never was…never will be.”
He patted Callie’s knee. “I wish I knew why Marina screwed up, but I still can’t explain why I did it. I wanted a little variety, the opportunity came up and I jumped at it. I knew it was wrong, I knew your mother would never forgive me if she found out, and I did it anyway. A real recipe for disaster.”
Callie wished he would stop admitting he knew how wrong it was. That made it hurt more. Wouldn’t anyone know that?
“Marina certainly didn’t need variety, so that’s not it. She claims it just happened—that she didn’t stop to think.”
“That’s kind of what happened with me, honey. I could make a case for how the woman chased me for months and kept making offers that I had a harder and harder time refusing. But it wasn’t her fault. I was married and I gave in to temptation. No excuses.”
Callie chewed on her lower lip, something she’d been doing all day, even though it now felt raw and swollen. Her father didn’t make excuses, but what good did that do? The years they’d been a thousand miles apart weighed on her mind. No matter how much he’d tried, he couldn’t make it seem like he was there for them. Thank God they’d had the last year and a half to really get close again. Being nearby had made all the difference. It was clear he was a good man who’d screwed up once and had paid a dear price. Through it all he’d never said a bad word about her mother. That said a lot about his character.
“I’d like to move out before she gets home. I know I’ll never get the straight story out of her.”
“Do you really know that?”
She shrugged, looking away from his pointed gaze. “I dunno. I thought I knew when she was lying. I didn’t.”
“You’ve invested over a year of your life with her. Spending a few hours hearing her out doesn’t sound like too big a commitment, does it?”
Reluctantly, she said, “No, I suppose not. But it makes me sick to think of looking into her lying eyes.”
“But you don’t mind her sleeping with other women…”
He trailed off when she gave him a sharp look. How could she explain this? There was a big difference between sex and love. Marina needed extra sex. Case closed.
He tried again, phrasing the question differently. “Isn’t this just another woman she’s having sex with?”
“Technically, but it’s different. It’s very different. She lied, Dad. She cheated.”
“By sleeping with another woman.” His eyes narrowed in thought. “It’s hard for me to see the difference. Besides, wouldn’t you hate to move out of this place?” He picked up his hands and gestured around the apartment. “This is the nicest place I’ve been to in Dallas.”
“It is nice, but it’s awfully expensive. I wanted to move some place more in my comfort level, but Marina was already here…”
Jeff stood up and gently patted his daughter on the shoulder. “You’ll figure this out, Chicklet. You always do. You’ve been an adult even when the adults in your life were acting like kids.”
She stood up and embraced him, relishing the strong, warm comfort of his hug. “Thanks, Dad, and try to erase everything I told you from your memory bank.”
“I’ll do a core dump.” He kissed her on the cheek. “I’ll call to check up on you. But if you need to talk before then, call me. Promise?” He looked into her eyes, and the concern and caring that showed in them brought a lump to her throat. She hugged him tight, then walked him to the door.
*
After her dad left, Callie spent a long time staring at her computer screen. She started and stopped and started again, finally composing an e-mail to Marina. It didn’t truly satisfy her, but it felt better to get some of her feelings out.
Marina,
I’m sorry for not taking your calls, but I can’t talk to you right now. I’m not even sure I’ll be here when you get home. This might be more than I can take.
I’ve been thinking about one of the talks we had when we got together. You told me that having an open relationship would keep us from ever being tempted to lie to each other about sex. I trusted that promise, and having you break it might kill our relationship. I wish you hadn’t done something so hurtful, but you did, and I don’t know if I can stay here and work through this.
Chapter Three
The next day Callie greeted the day more enthusiastically than she’d been able to the day before. Feeling relatively like herself, she spent the early afternoon trying to get some work done. She tinkered around, trying to come up with a design for a logo and a full professional stationery and business card setup for a local firm, but nothing was coalescing.
She was about to call it quits when someone buzzed from the lobby. She went to the video display by the front door and was dismayed to see Marina’s mother Fawn, standing in the lobby, anxiously prancing like a child who had to use the bathroom.
Callie pressed the button. “Come on up.”
It took a few minutes for Fawn to reach the fifteenth floor, but Callie didn’t spend the time checking how she looked. She normally spent an anxious hour getting ready to spend time with the Boltons, but at this point she didn’t give a damn what Fawn thought of her.
She opened the door to a brisk knock and stood aside to let Fawn enter in her normal grandiose fashion.
“Oh, I’m so glad you’re here. Marina is gonna be so relieved.” The cultured Dallas accent that Fawn usually effected was obliterated by her natural Arkansas twang.
Callie started to walk towards the living room, but remembered her manners and waited for Fawn to lead the way. “You could have just called. I would’ve taken your call.”
“Oh, I left early this morning and I didn’t want to wake you. Besides, this is too personal to talk about on the telephone.”
“You left…were you in Austin?”
“Yes. Parker and I are going to be in Austin until this legislative session is over. There are some very big bills that the legislature is going to consider, and he’s working harder than I’ve ever seen him.”
Privately, Callie didn’t think that having lunch, cocktails and dinner constituted real work, but Parker was a lobbyist for the pork producers and that was the nature of his profession.
“You didn’t have to drive this far, Fawn. This is something Marina and I have to work out on our own.”
“I know that, but I’m not sure you know how much you mean to her.”
Trying to keep the annoyance from her tone, Callie said, “That’s something I should know from her, isn’t it?”
“I know, I know.” Fawn’s hands fluttered like a baby bird learning to fly. “I’m just not sure how good she is at telling you how she feels. She’s a deeply emotional person, you know, but it’s hard for her to express herself.”
Marina could explain her way out of almost anything. She had a silver tongue that could get her whatever she wanted. But Fawn couldn’t see that since she was the one frequently talked out of substantial sums of money.
“That’s not how I see her. I think she’s really good at saying what she wants.”
“In some ways. But I don’t think you see the real her. She’s very needy.”
That was crazy. Almost delusional. Marina was one of the least needy people in the world, but Fawn needed to be needed and Marina definitely liked being pampered. Callie had ofte
n thought that Marina would have been more well-adjusted if she hadn’t been an only child. As it was, her mother and, to a lesser extent, her father, focused all of their hopes and demands and energies on her alone.
“I’m touched that you came this far just to talk to me. I really am. But…”
“Look, honey,” she said bluntly. “I know all about your agreement, and you have to admit that this little dustup isn’t very serious in the whole scheme of things.”
Callie’s mouth dropped open and she had a brief fear that it would stay that way. How could Marina reveal something so private? Then she recalled that she’d just told her father. That reminder set her mind reeling for a few moments and she had to compose herself enough to speak.
“I had no idea you knew about our…”
Fawn’s hand flipped a few times, as though shooing flies. “She tells me everything. I know about her other girls too, sweetie, and if she cared one whit about this girl in Boston, I’d know about it.”
“That may be, but she cheated on me, Fawn. She has all the freedom anyone would need, and she cheated.”
Fawn leaned towards Callie and her voice grew softer and more earnest. “That’s one way to look at it, honey, but another way is that this is like a country road, and Marina just went past the mailbox a little bit.”
“That’s not how I look at it. How would you like it if you found out that Parker was sleeping with another woman?”
To Callie’s surprise, Fawn gave her a look that was almost sympathetic. “When I was just a little girl my grandmother told me that there were two kinds of women. One kind you married and one kind you didn’t. I didn’t really understand what she meant then, but I came to. Men have a drive. A drive that no respectable woman could meet. I’m surprised you didn’t learn that before you met Marina, you being with men and all.”
“I learned that a lot of people have strong sex drives, but part of what makes us human is our ability to control our urges. We’re not solely driven by instinct.”
“Of course not. But we’re not very far away from barnyard animals. A bull might have sex three hundred times a year, but he sure as heck isn’t with the same cow. I don’t know what Parker does when he’s away from home, and I will never, ever ask.”
Stunned again, Callie said, “Really? You’re not even curious?”
“Not at all,” she said, making all sound like two syllables. “I think part of your problem is that you talk about these things too much. ” She reached out and touched Callie’s hand, squeezing it gently. “Marina is very much like her daddy. If you let her have her head, she’ll be wonderful when she’s back in the paddock.”
Callie wasn’t sure what part of this barnyard discussion was making her head spin, but she’d had all of it she could take. She stood up. “I’m being a terrible hostess. What can I get you to drink?”
“Oh, nothing, sweetheart. I’m going to go by our house, fix myself up, and meet a friend for some shopping.” She lowered her voice as though someone were listening. “There isn’t a thing to buy in Austin.”
Urging Fawn towards the front door, Callie put a hand on her shoulder. “I truly appreciate your coming by. I think it’s great how much you care about Marina.”
Fawn gave her a robust hug, enveloping her in a cloud of floral perfume. “ I care about you too. You’ve probably never suspected this, but Parker and I had a hard time accepting some of Marina’s choices.”
Most of the Metroplex knew that the Boltons were devastated when Marina came out to them, but it wouldn’t do any good to try to relieve Fawn of her delusions. Callie merely nodded.
“But both Parker and I love you. You’re exactly the type of person that Marina needs. You’re so much more understanding than the women she’s been with before.”
Understanding or a sucker? Being understanding wasn’t a fault. Being a sucker was. Marina couldn’t push her that far. Self-respect was something she’d never give up. For anyone. “I appreciate that,” Callie said, making herself smile. “I’ll certainly consider everything you’ve said.”
Fawn patted her on the cheek and started for the door, turning one last time to say, “Don’t forget about how they keep that bull happy.”
“Oh, I can honestly say that I’ll never forget that.” Even though I’ll try.
*
On Monday morning, Callie was sleeping peacefully when she was startled awake. The bedroom was dark, but there was just enough light to see a figure standing in the doorway. She was trying to find the breath to scream when she heard what sounded like a sob.
A rough, hoarse voice murmured, “It’s me.”
“Oh, dear God.” She tried to convince her heart that it had nothing to fear, but it didn’t believe her and continued to race. “I tried to scream and nothing came out.”
Marina approached the bed tentatively. “I’m so happy you’re here,” she whispered. “I was sure you were going to be gone.”
Callie sat up and pushed her hair from her eyes, confused by the darkness. “What time is it?”
“Uhm…six forty-five.”
“There aren’t any flights that get you in at this time of day. Where’ve you been?”
“I was scheduled to come home this morning, but I knew I’d never be able to sleep, so I caught the last flight to Los Angeles, then got the redeye that left LA at one a.m. For a change we were right on time.”
Drily, Callie said, “Maybe that should be your new schedule.” Part of her wanted to bash Marina’s head in, but another part—a part she couldn’t make sense of—was glad to see her. There was some kind of pull that Marina had over her, and she could no more resist it than she could explain it. Just being in the same room with her relieved some of the pain. There was a real connection between them. That was irrefutable.
Still looking very tentative, Marina said, “Can I get into bed with you? I can’t even tell you how much I’ve missed you.”
Feeling some of the barriers start to come down, she extended a hand which Marina took. “Sure.”
With remarkable speed and even more remarkable disregard for her clothing, Marina stripped in moments and climbed into bed. She settled into Callie’s embrace and began to cry. The tears seemed to flow unabated, which was surprising. Callie had only seen Marina cry a few times during their history and each time it had been out of frustration, not sorrow or pain. Seeing Marina allow herself to be vulnerable was touching in a way that a boatload of apologies never would have been. She tenderly rubbed Marina’s back and let her cry until they finally fell asleep in each other’s arms just as the sun began to peek into the window.
*
Late the next morning they sat in the bright, sunny kitchen, eating brunch. Three cups of coffee hadn’t helped Callie wake up enough to go over Marina’s sins. But Marina seemed fixated on making sure she explained what she’d been thinking when she’d slipped and how determined she was to never screw up again.
Something about Marina’s explanation seemed forced, even rehearsed, and it dawned on Callie that she had probably written the points down and gone over her speech on the long flight. How could she get through to Marina? How could she show her the damage she’d done? The pain she’d caused? But it was so hard to reach that part of her. Did she have to take her as she was? Or could they both learn something from this? It was so tiring. Relationships were so damn much work.
She sat there, half listening to Marina prattle on. Marina seemed to be telling the truth. But she’d believed her before and was paying for it now. Her heart hurt. It felt physically bruised, as though she’d been kicked in the chest. Hearing Marina’s version of what happened seemed a waste of time, and actually made the pain worse. Angela’s name was an acid in her stomach every time she heard it. But no matter what Marina said, Angela was not the problem—Marina was. She wanted to cut to the chase and work out a plan of attack that would prevent Marina from getting into the same situation ever again. That was their only hope.
Since it was a lovely day
, they went to the park next to their apartment and sat on a bench in the sun, people watching. They didn’t speak much, and didn’t talk about the cheating at all, silently agreeing to discuss that particular topic at home.
The wind picked up and Callie shivered against Marina who suggested they go get tacos.
“I didn’t bring my wallet.”
“My treat.” She smiled that seductive smile and Callie found herself echoing it. They walked to one of their favorite restaurants and Callie ordered a frozen margarita, an appetizer and an entree, something she never did when she was paying. It was small recompense for what Marina had put her through, but it was something.
They got home around nine, and Marina started up again. “If you met her you’d be very surprised that I hooked up with her. She’s not my type at all.”
“I don’t want to meet her. Ever. She’s not the problem. You and I had the agreement, and you’re the one who broke it. I want you to tell me how you’re going to make sure you don’t do it again.”
“It was because of work,” Marina insisted for the fifth time. “I thought she might turn against me if I refused.”
“You’re always going to have a job. What will you do next time?”
Marina’s eyes lit up and Callie could almost see an idea pop into her head. “I’m going to steer clear of women. I don’t ever want to sleep with a man again, so that should take care of it.”
How could Marina be so dense? It wasn’t possible to ignore women. What she had to ignore were the first signs of sexual attraction. Everyone felt them. Committed adults put a stop to them and avoided that person. But Marina didn’t seem to see that at all. A fog of depression settled on Callie. It was enervating to have to explain something to a woman who had no idea what you were talking about. “I think we’ve beaten this topic to death. I don’t know about you, but I’m worn out. Let’s go to bed early. I think we’ll both feel better when we get some rest.”
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