Desire Behind Bars

by Salome Wilde

  Kam sat up straight, throat tight, body trembling.

  “I heard your voice when I was doing other things, too, but mostly then. I don’t want…I just want you.”

  That sent a blast through Kam’s chest, as if Lila had used dynamite to rediscover a forgotten tunnel to Kam’s heart. She blinked, absorbing what she’d been told. She remembered the command she’d given, but she’d been thinking of the drugs. She hadn’t meant to tell Lila she couldn’t have an orgasm. Now that Lila had taken it that way, though, seductive new heat settled into Kam’s cunt. Lila was offering a gift to them both.

  She pressed her head toward Lila’s, as close as she dared. “You’re sure that’s what you want? You’re going to wait for me?”

  She received an eager nod in response, eyes wide, lips parted.

  “Even if I…don’t wait for you?”

  Lila’s lips twisted with dismay. “There’s someone else.”

  “No, no, no. That’s not what I mean. I’m saying I’m not giving up a damn bit more freedom than I have to. Understand? I can promise I’ll think of you when I come—that’s already true—but I won’t stop.”

  “That’s cool. I’m not here to tell you what to do.” Lila sucked in an audible breath. “I’m here to—”

  “Listen.”

  “Yes.”

  “Obey.”

  “Yes.”

  Kam had asked questions before giving orders. How much control did Lila want to cede? What was going on in her life? Waitressing was her first legitimate job in years, and Sam was in the custody of Child Protective Services. Kam had used Lila’s offering to help her piece her life together, a week at a time, an assignment at a time, a denied orgasm at a time.

  As Lila’s life improved, some of the new people she met looked down on her continued devotion to her incarcerated girlfriend. Kam knew because Lila had whispered the stories to her, all the while fixing her eyes on her hands as if she’d been the one saying bad things about Kam.

  None of that mattered to either of them. Lila had given herself to Kam, and that had set her free from the darkest parts of herself. Kam was no longer free because she’d been caught one warm fall night with an ounce too much crack in the glove box of her car to get away with a misdemeanor, but controlling Lila made her feel she wasn’t locked up at all.

  It hadn’t been perfect, of course. Six months after their new arrangement began, Lila had confessed to getting high again. She’d cracked and masturbated fourteen times in three years, and once she’d made out with an old girlfriend. However, the nature of their relationship gave Kam an avenue for dealing with those things. Simple, well-designed demands for restitution were followed by forgiveness. Kam gave Lila the second chances that she had been denied by the judicial system. It pleased Kam to hand out mercy alongside justice. That was the way the world should be.

  What pleased Kam most, though, what made her squirm as she lay alone in bed, what kept her from being tempted by the women who winked on their way to the showers, was the thought of Lila in her bed, hands above the covers, squeezing her thighs together but knowing better than to do any more. Whenever Kam touched herself now, she thought of Lila denied and wanting, and the stroke of her fingertip over her clit became an expression of soaring, absolute freedom. Kam didn’t care anymore if her cellmate noted the hitches in her breath or the slight creaking of the cot beneath her.

  Lila could walk over to the park whenever she felt like it and eat lunch beneath the sun and feel the breeze and wear whatever clothes she wanted. Kam, on the other hand, could come. She could have a quick, greedy, sloppy orgasm, the kind that wouldn’t have been satisfying unless more were on the way. She could slip her finger between her folds as if she had all the time in the world, and only submit to pleasure when she knew it would run deep and strong. She could hold off because she didn’t feel like it just then, and later, when she did, she could make herself come six times in succession.

  Her body was imprisoned, but she still owned it. Kam wouldn’t have known that without Lila.

  * * *

  There was one more step to their weekly ritual before Lila would leave. After arriving, after the hug, after the questions, and after the new orders, Lila turned a pained expression to Kam and asked, “How many times?”

  “Sixteen,” Kam said proudly.

  Lila looked as if the number alone might make her come. “God,” she whispered.

  “How many is it, total? You’re still keeping track, right?”

  “Five hundred seventy-two.” She winced as she said it.

  Kam leaned forward and locked their gazes together. The buzz of conversation fell away, as if no other visitors or inmates existed. Kam could nearly believe that she lived at this prison because she’d chosen to, because it gave her and Lila such a charge. “That number hurts? You’re jealous?”

  “A little.” Lila bit her lip, shamefaced in a way that made Kam want to kiss her breathless.

  “I have a surprise for you, baby. A secret I’ve been keeping for a long time. I think it’s finally the right moment to tell you.”

  “What?”

  Kam swallowed, prolonging the reveal. If she played this right, it would turn everything they had been through into foreplay. Her years of incarceration, their years of separation, Lila’s years of addiction and degradation—all of that could just become the complicated buildup to a future of love and pleasure ahead of them.

  “You think they’re punishment, don’t you?” Kam whispered. “Five hundred seventy-two times I got something and you didn’t.”

  Lila licked her lips. “A sort of punishment, yeah.”

  Kam shook her head firmly. “No. They’re what I owe you. Five hundred seventy-two times. I’m going to pay back every one after I get out. I’m going to make you count.”

  “You should subtract fourteen…”

  “For the times you screwed up? No, you made up for those already.” Kam smiled. “When I get out, I can’t wait to see that new place you’ve got. Sam’s room, your room. I can’t wait to go to one of Sam’s soccer games.”

  “Julio at the convenience store already told me he wants to give you back your job.”

  “That’s good. He’s a good guy.”

  “From the apartment, you’ll be able to walk there, no problem.”

  “From our apartment.”

  “Yeah…”

  “And in our apartment, I’ll be able to do things to you…”

  “It’ll be more than five hundred seventy-two times,” Lila said, her face flushed. “Because you’ll add to that number before then.”

  “You bet your ass I will.”

  It was time to let Lila go, to hug her for less than fifteen seconds so as not to draw attention from the guard again, and to kiss her chastely on the lips, getting the briefest taste of future pleasure. It all happened as usual. Then Kam stumbled back to her cell.

  She wanted to come over and over again, to raise the number of orgasms she owed Lila so high that it would require a lifetime to pay off the debt. That wasn’t really how relationships worked, though. Kam lay on her cot and thought of the ways things would change when she got out. Her control of Lila, the way they were getting through this time apart, was based on wanting and wanting more—on turning the pain of wanting into a deep pleasure of its own. Kam tried to imagine having, not wanting, living and not waiting. She’d been inside long enough that she didn’t quite remember.

  She covered herself with a blanket and cupped a hand over her crotch, but she didn’t want to do it like that just now. Instead, she slipped her hand inside her pants, needing to feel flesh against flesh. There had been a time when she had touched Lila this way, learning the movements that made her gasp, and the ones that made her whimper.

  Kam stifled a cry of her own. She and Lila would have each other. They would live in the same apartment and care for Sam and love each other, and they would figure out how all of that worked, together. In the meantime, she made her five hundred seventy-third
promise.

  Contributors’ Notes

  Alex Andrea enjoys writing erotic lesbian stories. This is her first published work of fiction. You may have read her fan-fiction under the pseudonyms Alibaba or j7eternal. Alex has traveled and worked internationally and presently resides in British Columbia, Canada, with her partner and their feline overlord.

  C.L. Boyle lives with her family in western Massachusetts where, in addition to writing erotic stories, she is trying her hand at small-scale fruit and vegetable farming and photographing the local wildlife.

  Claire Caine loves to read and write character-driven erotica fueled by chemical attractions and emotional connections. She has just begun sharing her erotic stories for publication, and is currently writing an erotic novel. Claire resides in the mysterious mountains of Appalachia.

  Geonn Cannon is the author of over twenty books, including the Underdogs series, The Rise and Fall of Radiation Canary, and an official Stargate SG-1 novel called Two Roads. His novel Gemini won the GCLS Award for Best Novel (Dramatic/General Fiction), making him the first man to win the award. He lives in Oklahoma.

  L.E. Chamberlin is a foodie and former librarian who never returns her library books on time. An aficionado of steamy romances, she wrote her first at age thirteen and still has all eighty-six handwritten pages of it in a box under her bed.

  Kiki DeLovely (kikidelovely.wordpress.com) is a kinky, queer, witchy femme who has toured with Body Heat: Femme Porn Tour and whose work has appeared in various publications, including Twisted: Bondage with an Edge, Just for Her: Sexy Stories, Love Burns Bright, and Bound for Trouble: BDSM Erotica for Women.

  Kannan Feng is an erotica writer living in Milwaukee, Wisconsin. Her current interests include old gods, new gods, the Mongol Empire, and French cooking. She can be contacted through her website at kannanfeng.wordpress.com.

  Sacchi Green’s stories have appeared in a hip-high stack of publications with stimulating covers. She’s also edited ten erotica anthologies, including Lesbian Cowboys and Wild Girls, Wild Nights (Cleis Press), both winners of Lambda Literary Awards. Find her at www.sacchi-green.blogspot.com or on Facebook.

  Katya Harris lives in the UK with her family and spends most of her free time writing stories of lust and love. You can find her on Twitter @Katya_Harris. She hopes you like what she’s written, and that you’ll come back for more.

  Annabeth Leong (annabetherotica.com) has written for more than forty anthologies, including the femme-dominant She Who Must Be Obeyed. Her recent novel of voyeurism and self-discovery, Untouched, is available from Sweetmeats Press. She lives in Providence, Rhode Island, and can be found on Twitter @AnnabethLeong.

  M. Marie (www.mmarie.ca) lives in the heart of downtown Toronto and is both an erotica writer and enthusiast. She finds the experience of writing erotica challenging, but also exciting, as it constantly leads her to push boundaries she didn’t even realize she had.

  J.L. Merrow is that rare beast, an English person who refuses to drink tea. She chiefly writes contemporary gay romance, and is frequently accused of humour. Her novella Muscling Through was a 2013 EPIC Award finalist, and her novel Slam! won the 2013 Rainbow Award for Best LGBT Romantic Comedy.

  Chase Morgan began writing erotica for his wife while away on business trips. As his muse and biggest supporter, she encouraged him to take a stab at sharing his filthy mind with the world.

  About the Editors

  Salome Wilde and Talon Rihai are a dynamic desire-fueled duo. Together, and individually, they’ve published dozens of short stories across the gender and orientation spectrum, including “Recognition,” a tale of lesbian airport sex between big strong strangers in Rachel Kramer Bussel’s Curvy Girls and their first novella, the 2012 gay hurt-comfort romance After the First Taste of Love.

  They’re currently at work on turning the novella into a single-volume trilogy, as well as on Turning Trick, a novel of pretty-boy prostitutes that promises adventure and a happy ending. Wilde is also at work on Voronke, a lesbian romance set in 1930s New York, involving the magically intertwined lives of a curious young Jewish girl and a mysterious Polish vaudeville performer. Desire Behind Bars is Wilde and Rihai’s first venture into coediting. Wilde previously edited Shakespearotica: Queering the Bard.

  More information on the pair is available at www.salandtalerotica.com. They’re also on Twitter @salomewilde and @talonsage, and on Facebook.