Captain Fin

by Amanda M. Thrasher

  Death

  Loss

  Somber

  Soul

  Heartbreak

  Shattered

  Leave me alone

  ~ Hannah Gunner ~

  His voice was soft and kind, but it didn’t take the sting out of Dr. Krane’s words. Numb. His words trailed off as Hannah zoned out. All she could do was stand frozen in one spot, like a trembling child, as Cash steadied her with his arm wrapped tightly around her waist. Kathy’s face was drained of any color that she possessed, white as the walls that surrounded them, hearing the doctor’s words but comprehending none of them.

  “It’s not unusual for patients to move from the chronic to accelerated phase quickly, just like Gloria.” He glanced at Hannah. “Your mom did; it happens if they don’t stabilize within a certain amount of time. Add the additional complications, weakened immune system, and being nonresponsive to treatment and it’s almost inevitable.” Looking down, he continued, “But we were still hoping to slow down the process at least for a while. However, I don’t believe it will be possible for her to have a bone marrow transplant. She’s not strong enough, and it’s pretty advanced.”

  Hannah’s eyes darted toward Kathy. “Bone marrow transplant?”

  Pausing, he glanced at each one of them, Cash included, checking to see if he could continue. Doing that doctor thing, he moved right along. His voice was even-toned as he continued his speech, not unkind, just business as usual. But it wasn’t business as usual for Hannah or Kathy, or in that moment even Cash. Hannah’s mind was swirling around and around. This was her mom, her family, only family, that he was talking about!

  “Unfortunately, between the complications with pneumonia, and the constant infections that we’ve been battling due to her not responding well to her treatments, a bone marrow transplant is out of the question. We struggled to prevent one of her lungs from collapsing, but she’s now stable in that regard.”

  “Wait. What? Her lung was collapsing?” Hannah lunged forward toward Kathy. “What is he talking about?”

  Suddenly realizing that Hannah did not know the severity of her mom’s condition, he waited as Kathy interjected. Her voice was barely a whisper, but she managed to speak up.

  “I was trying to tell you, but I just didn’t know how.” Holding Hannah’s hand in hers. “There was so much going on; her lung, that was merely a part of it.”

  Cash reached out and gently tugged Hannah’s arm; code for I’m here. He leaned forward, whispering in her ear, “Be gentle, babe; she’s upset as well.”

  Hannah understood, and slid down quietly and sat down next to her aunt.

  “Should I go on?” the doctor asked.

  No one spoke, but a silent nod confirmed he should finish what he’d come to say.

  “We couldn’t contain the CML in the accelerated stage, and it’s moved rather quickly into what we call the blast phase.”

  Cash squeezed Hannah’s hand, but he noticed immediately that her hand was lifeless in his. Was her mom’s death sentence being delivered? Suddenly, an overwhelming desire to vomit swept over Hannah. Her skin flushed as she felt an all-consuming heat rush to her cheeks. The room started to spin, and she couldn’t breathe. Her chest felt as if it had a hundred-pound weight sitting on top of it; gasping for air, she realized she was about to have a panic attack. Cash jumped up and ran to get her a drink of water. Dr. Krane grabbed her hands and instructed her to breathe slowly, deep breaths, in and out, and put her head in between her knees. Hannah recomposed herself before a full-fledged panic attack overwhelmed her, but she was barely hanging on.

  “Maybe that’s enough for now,” Dr. Krane said softly.

  “I think I’d rather just get it over with, if you don’t mind.”

  Glancing at Kathy, looking for approval, which came in the form of a nod of the head, the doctor continued, choosing his words very carefully.

  “If kept in the blast phase, which is twenty percent myeloblasts or lymphoblasts, the symptoms are manageable. Not curable, but manageable. They’re similar to those of acute myeloid leukemia and because of that we can keep Gloria relatively comfortable.”

  Unable to contain her emotions any longer, Kathy dabbed her cheeks with her sleeve as tears poured over her eyelids and rolled nonstop down her cheeks.

  “I really think we should take a few minutes?” Dr. Krane suggested. “Regroup.”

  Cash nodded but Hannah shook her head, and Kathy even managed to say the word no in between her sobs. Treading as cautiously as he could, the doctor continued.

  “We’ve entered phase four or the blast crisis phase of her illness. She’s anemic; her white blood cell count is off the charts despite the antibiotics that we continue to try. Her platelet counts are low, and the blast cells themselves have spread outside her blood and bone marrow and are now affecting other tissues and organs. She will likely continue to battle a fever, lose even more weight as she still has no appetite at all, and despite what we’re doing, it continues to get more aggressive and wear her down.”

  “Are you saying what I think you’re saying, that there’s nothing else you can do?” Kathy asked.

  Dr. Krane’s eye softened, and his voice was filled with kindness.

  “Keep her comfortable. Once she’s able, if at all possible, we’ll let her go home and arrange hospice care to help. I’m not making any promises. It’s possible due to the turn that she has taken that she may not bounce back as well as we’d hoped.”

  “What exactly does that mean?” Hannah snapped, already knowing deep down inside what the doctor was trying to say. Her mom, her best friend in the whole world, was going to die.

  “Sorry for being rude,” Hannah managed to say in between her tears.

  “No. That’s quite all right. Difficult times.” Dr. Krane sat on the arm of the chair, eye level with Hannah. “I would say it is possible that we may have to keep your mother here for a little longer than we had thought. Fingers crossed I’m wrong, but we want her to remain comfortable while we see if she can handle the treatment. If her fever breaks, she may go home. But either way, prepare yourself for the worst.” Standing up, he said something before he left that Hannah would never forget. “You have a short amount of time left with your mom. Sometimes she will be coherent and conscious and sometimes she will not; that said, make what time you have with her count.”

  Stunned, Hannah wrapped her arms around Cash. “My mom was just handed her death sentence!”

  Cash held her tightly and searched Kathy’s face for help, but as soon as Hannah looked toward her, Kathy buried her face in her hands and sobbed in a way that Hannah had never heard her aunt cry in her life! Wrapping her arms around Kathy, the two of them held each other as they cried. Fighting back the tears, Cash quietly left the room and pulled out his phone. His first text was to Lindsey.

  Cash: It’s bad. Hannah needs you. Text her asap.

  Lindsey. So scared and sad!!!! On it!

  His next text was to his mom.

  Cash: OMG, Mom, you’re not going to believe what the doctor just said.

  Mrs. Parks: Everything okay?

  Cash: No. Everything is not okay. She’s going to die.

  Chapter 28

  Answers

  Can’t breathe

  Want to die

  Heart is breaking

  While I cry

  World is shattered

  What have you done?

  Why are you taking her?

  She’s not the one

  ~ Hannah Gunner ~

  A gentle tap on the door woke Hannah up. It took her a second to remember where she was, but a beeping monitor was a quick reminder that she was in her mom’s hospital room instead of the ICU or her own room. Both Hannah and Kathy’s faces lit up as they recognized a familiar voice and face. They both jumped up to greet Lindsey barreling toward them, arms extended, offering much-needed hugs. Kathy grabbed her first, embraced her, and then stepped aside so Lindsey could wrap her arms around her best friend in the s
ame welcoming way. Glancing at a sleeping Gloria, Lindsey didn’t dare ask the obvious. Sweetly she kissed Gloria’s cheek and moved once again out of the way to let Hannah sit back down in the chair closest to her mom.

  “I brought you some real food; you don’t have to eat it, but in case you’re hungry, here ya go.”

  Holding up a couple bags of In-N-Out Burger, real food, made Hannah smile.

  “Thank you!” She peered into the bag. “My favorite! I’ll definitely give this a go in a bit.”

  Handing a bag to Kathy, Lindsey said, “I didn’t know what you liked, so I stuck with a combo number one; who doesn’t love a number one?”

  Hunger had left both Hannah and Kathy a few days ago, but Kathy thanked her, sipped the Coke, and forced herself to nibble on a French fry so she wouldn’t seem ungrateful. Noticing how frail Hannah looked, she tried to encourage her to do the same.

  “You need to eat something, Hannah; keep up your strength for your mom.”

  Hannah nodded, but made no attempt to take a bite. She stood up, stretched, and pulled Lindsey by her arm toward the door.

  “I really need some fresh air and to stretch my legs. Do you mind if we leave for a few minutes? We’ll be right back.”

  Kathy waved the girls out the door and repositioned herself in the chair closest to Gloria.

  “Where’s Cash?” Lindsey asked.

  “I sent him home. He’s been here for hours, and he needs to shower, sleep, and eat.” Hannah grinned. “Trust me, he needs to shower.”

  “How are you holding up?” Lindsey asked, concerned. “I know it seems like a dumb question, but I have to ask.”

  “I’m not,” Hannah responded. “I’m a mess. I thought I was, but I don’t know how to act or what to say. I don’t want to believe what I’m hearing, and I don’t want my mom to worry when she’s awake, but she does.”

  Hannah dug her hands into her jean pockets. Her voice barely a whisper, she continued. “Cash has been great. Honestly, I don’t know what I would’ve done without him these last few weeks, but of course, I love you too!”

  “Again, boyfriend goals!” Lindsey replied, rolling her eyes and laughing. “I know what you mean, don’t worry about me. He’s a keeper!”

  Lindsey wrapped her arm around Hannah’s shoulder and squeezed her tightly. She felt weird saying what she was about to say, but felt as if she should say it anyway. It just seemed so serious and out of character for them, even though they were best friends.

  “I won’t tell you it’s going to be okay, because I don’t know that it will, but I will tell you that I am here for you if you need anything.” Hesitating. “Or wanna talk.”

  Hannah couldn’t respond; sadness consumed her as the seriousness of her mom’s outcome weighed heavily on her mind. Facing Lindsey, she squeezed her back and assured her that she knew her intentions were heartfelt, and most importantly, well received. Against Hannah’s will, the teardrops that had trickled down her pale cheeks turned into sobs. Sick of crying, Hannah scolded herself and the whole damn situation.

  “I’m just so pissed off, confused, and sad! Angry, which is ridiculous, because no one could have predicted this; certainly not my mom.”

  Hannah laughed, but it wasn’t a genuine laugh. It was a sad, tormented laugh, Hannah’s outward display of the emotional tornado that she’d just got caught up in! Taking a deep breath, embarrassed by her outburst, she tried to finish her rant calmly.

  “Anyway, I think that just about covers it. It sucks!”

  She hung her head, as if in shame, and sniffled. Shakily, she told Lindsey about the box and the letters from her dad.

  “I don’t want to feel any of these things; numb is so much better, because it doesn’t hurt. I want to focus on my mom and help her get through this, and whatever’s next. I want the questions that I have to go away; to quit running around in my head; that way I’m not worried about finding out any damn answers. I can’t stand it when my mom is laying there, sick, and a question pops into my head about, of all things, those damn letters, the Captain, or my dad, I should say, and what the hell is really going on around here?” Hannah took a deep breath, exhaled, looked down at her feet, and added, “Because even I know this isn’t the damn time or place to bring that shit up!” Frustrated, Hannah spoke and Lindsey listened. “And it makes me feel like crap because I don’t want to think about anything but my mom right now. She’s all that matters! But can you believe I can’t seem to get that through to her no matter what I say? She won’t listen; not to me, Kathy, or anyone.” Blinking her eyes as fast as she could so that her tears wouldn’t fall again, Hannah tried to cover up the shame that she felt inside for the words that kept tumbling out of her mouth. No matter how hard she tried, she couldn’t stop the thoughts running through her head from competing with the pain in her heart, and the whole thing was torturous.

  “I don’t want to care about my past, about those damn letters, or my dad, but I know that she has the answers that one day I will need. And during all of this mess, late at night in the silence of that damn hospital room, those freaking questions sneak back into the corners of my mind, reminding me of what a crap daughter I am for thinking about the past instead of her! And honestly, Lindsey, for that, I absolutely one hundred percent hate myself!!”

  Lindsey shook her head. “You’re being too hard on yourself; it’s human nature to contemplate, wonder, think, hell, even imagine, you know that! With everything that’s going on, don’t beat yourself up so badly.”

  Pulling the JUUL from her pocket, Hannah took a long draw. Exhaled. Drew again, exhaled, and offered it to Lindsey. Lindsey took a drag herself and handed it back. It smelled sweet. If you didn’t know better, you’d think they were eating a big ol’ bag of cotton candy. Hannah stared at the tiny device in her hand that her mom hated so much, took another hit, and in disgust shoved it back in her pocket.

  “My mom hates this thing; I really need to work on quitting, for both of us!”

  Hannah perched on a retaining wall in front of the hospital doors. The cool air felt good, refreshing, and she dreaded going back into her mom’s stale room. Lindsey leaned on the wall next to her, but knew, today, that her friend needed to talk more than she did. Pulling out a JUUL of her own, she smoked in silence and just listened.

  “It’s ridiculous, really.”

  “Oh yeah, what’s that?” Lindsey asked.

  “Well, she keeps asking me to forgive her, my mom, and I do because she wants me to, but she doesn’t need my forgiveness. She’s freaking delirious all the time. All she says over and over and over is please forgive me, and Hannah, I’m sorry.” Hannah discreetly took a hit off her vape and stuck it back in her pocket. “When I first found the letters, I was consumed with knowing why she hid them, and let’s be honest, if she could tell me that would be great, but with the state she’s in,” Hannah shook her head, “I doubt I’ll have the answers I need. But she still doesn’t need forgiveness from me. Not over hiding a box of damn letters. I know enough to know she must have had her reasons.”

  Brushing her hair over the back of her head, Hannah sighed. “Maybe one day someone will tell me why in the hell everyone lied!” Laughing, she added, “I still haven’t had the nerve to bring it up with Aunt Kathy, you know, the whole ‘did she know why’ thing.”

  “Is it important anymore?” Lindsey asked.

  Hannah shook her head again. “No. It’s not. Right now, I don’t even freaking care who lied or why; I just want my mom to come home, and I don’t know if she ever will.”

  Hugging in the chilly air before making their way back upstairs, Hannah looked as if a weight had been lifted off her shoulders. Talking it out was sometimes the best way to get everything off your chest and out of your system, and Lindsey was convinced that was exactly what Hannah needed! Hesitating, she bit her tongue and decided to hold off saying what had popped into her head as Hannah had vented. The hesitation must have been written all over her face as Hannah suddenly asked her a quest
ion.

  “What were you about to say?”

  “Me? Nothing.”

  “Yes, you were, what is it? Just say it. Feels good.” Hannah actually managed a smile, and the last thing Lindsey wanted to do was ruin it, but Hannah kept insisting.

  “Well I don’t want to say it, Hannah,” Lindsey said softly, “But it might be good to prepare yourself for the possibility that you may never get the answers you need.”

  Hannah shrugged her shoulders and jumped off the wall. “Like I said, I don’t care anymore.”

  Staring mindlessly across the concrete parking lot, counting the tops of the cars for absolutely no reason at all, Hannah thought about the possibility of her mom not coming home. Her memories of them together, despite being a teen, were good ones. Even though at times admittedly she’d likely blamed her inadvertently for her dad not being around. She felt terrible about that now; especially knowing there was more to the story. Looking back, through the eyes of a shipmate, her memories were solid, remembering so clearly the laughter that had filled her early years. But it did start with her mom, the truth. She was the keeper of secrets or so it seemed.

  Hannah’s phone vibrated, a text from Kathy: HURRY BACK, Gloria’s frantic and asking for you.

  The girls rushed back to the room as fast as they could, receiving dirty looks from more than one of the hospital staff members as they darted around orderlies and nurses. They slowed down once they entered the critical care floor unit, and even then they were walking as fast as some people jog. Gloria wasn’t aware the girls had entered the room. She didn’t seem to be mindful of anyone around her, but kept repeating Hannah’s name over and over again. Lindsey slipped quietly into the corner of the room, hoping that she wouldn’t impose, knowing something was terribly wrong. Kathy and Hannah gathered around the hospital bed. Recognizing Hannah’s face, Gloria reached out for her. Hannah held her hand and sat down on the bed as close to her as she could get. The crispy sound of the linens, and the crunching sound the hospital mattress made as Hannah moved radiated throughout the room and stuck in her head. Kathy stood by Hannah’s side, a look of concern washing over her face.