Captain Fin

by Amanda M. Thrasher

  ~ Cash ~

  A tap on the door startled Kathy. Cash was making plans with Hannah in the kitchen and Hannah hadn’t mentioned she was expecting anyone. Barely cracking the door, Lindsey, grinning from ear to ear, popped her head in.

  “Coffee anyone?”

  Handing Kathy a cup, she kissed her on the cheek, brushed past her, and immediately headed toward the kitchen. Watching Lindsey making herself at home, just like she always had when she visited Hannah, brought Kathy a feeling of hope that life for Hannah would get back to normal one day. Half-filled boxes were starting to appear around the apartment. A sense of unknowing was an unspoken feeling around there; normalcy would be a welcoming vibe in Hannah’s world again, especially since she’d be living in yet another new home.

  “Brought you two losers coffee,” Lindsey scoffed.

  Hannah jumped up from the kitchen table, grabbed Lindsey, and hugged her as tightly as she possibly could.

  “I’ve missed you!”

  “Me too, you.”

  Cash took the cup holder from her hand and placed it on the table.

  “Thanks, Linds!”

  “No problem, but honestly I guessed on yours.” She smiled at Hannah. “I got you the usual.”

  “So what have I missed?”

  Hannah filled her in. The secret revolving around Hank’s death, the lies, and the fact that her dad was actually still alive in prison, and he had no idea that she hadn’t received any of his letters. Cash also mentioned that Hank had written Hannah one last time, saying he wouldn’t bother her anymore, and they figured that’s when he’d quit writing.

  “That’s when the letters must have stopped. I guess I must’ve been about thirteen or fourteen.”

  “Wow!” Lindsey was stunned. “That’s not that long ago.”

  “Right,” Cash replied.

  Kathy joined them in the kitchen, perched against the sink, and listened to the teens talk about the past, the letters, and what her sister had supposedly done. Her heart sank. How had she not known what her sister was going through? Gloria must have been desperate to make such a terrible decision. Maybe she could have talked her out of it had she known the truth, but there was no way of knowing now and no point in second-guessing what Gloria might have done.

  “That must have been a huge burden that she carried with her for all of those years,” Kathy whispered.

  “She didn’t act like it though, but I guess.” Hannah felt guilty for saying it.

  Kathy, lost in thought, remembered the days when Hank and Gloria used to bring Hannah over to visit her. They’d sit and talk, laugh, and eat. Family. They were a close family. She also recalled when she’d pop over to visit, and Sandy and Nathan were often there, all sitting around that same kitchen table, laughing and doting over Hannah.

  “Kathy, you Okay?” Cash asked, bringing her out of the past, her memories, and back to them and their conversation.

  Her face stern, eyes crystal clear, as she spoke with such certainty, Hannah wondered if they’d probed too soon into Kathy’s past time with her sister. Kathy continued to insist that Hank and Gloria were close, and everything about the box, the lies, and the secrets revolved around Hannah. Kathy suddenly blurted out another statement about Hank and Gloria’s relationship.

  “I’m telling you, those two, your mom and dad, were inseparable. People don’t find relationships like theirs every day, they just don’t, and I’m not kidding when I say that your dad loved his family… you and your mom!” Her voice cracked. “And your mom absolutely adored your dad. He was it for her. Her one! For her to lie like that, and I’m not trying to make excuses, Hannah, but she must have had a damn good reason. That’s all I’m saying.”

  She turned around to the sink, poured out the coffee from her mug, and took a sip of the coffee that Lindsey had handed her. Contemplating adding one more thing, she opened her mouth to speak and then closed it again, as if scared to upset anyone or say anything out of line.

  “What were you going to say?” Hannah asked. “Honestly, just say it; we’re all just talking.”

  “Well, I’ll say this one last thing, but I have no proof, and it makes no sense.”

  “Best kind of coffee talk conversations are ones like that,” Cash replied.

  Kathy smiled and sat down with the teens.

  “I think that she felt guilty, regardless of why she made that decision, and that she carried that guilt around for all of those years and it wore her down. I think it was too much for her and none of us knew. I’m not saying it caused her illness, but it sure didn’t help.”

  Thinking that she’d cried every teardrop that her eyes could ever hold, another tear started to roll down her cheek. Kathy quickly brushed it away, not wanting to ruin Hannah’s day.

  “I don’t know why she lied to you or hid his letters, and I’m not saying she handled it right, but I can tell you that the decision she made revolved around you and wasn’t based on her and Hank. It definitely took a toll on her. Looking back, especially now knowing that Hank was always alive, I can honestly tell you that whatever the reason, in her mind she was doing what was best, but looking back, she was never the same after that!” Kathy hesitated. “I thought it was grief. Loss of her husband, but it was this, this lie.”

  “Never the same; wow!” Cash took the last swig of his coffee and shook his head. “That could do it to you, I guess, something this big.”

  “No. Never. She lost something, part of herself, maybe?” Kathy dipped her head. “She was sad after that; she didn’t have the same tone in her voice, wasn’t as happy when we spoke. Again, of course, I thought she was grieving, and I guess in a sense she was. That day, for whatever reason, she’d technically ended her family.”

  Hannah tried to listen with an open mind. Feelings of sadness, loss, curiosity, confusion, and fear overwhelmed her. What didn’t, surprisingly, was anger. The anger had ceased once the reality of losing her mom had kicked in. It didn’t seem nearly as important anymore; holding on to the anger she had once felt was now overridden by her own grief. At least now she was able to retrieve the answers that she needed, or at least she hoped that was true!

  “We should be able to get the answers from Hank, my long-lost dad!” Smirking and throwing up her hands, she sarcastically added, “Surprise! Remember me?”

  “I’ll be happy to take you.” Kathy offered. “I’m sure because you’re a minor you’ll need an adult to sign you in.”

  Hannah smiled and thanked her.

  “I’ll research and see what we need to do, but we’ll all go together if you like, extra support.” Kathy glanced at the kids sitting around the table. Who would’ve thought they’d be discussing visiting a dead man in prison!

  Cash and Lindsey knew they couldn’t go in to see him. Truth be told, they weren’t even interested, but were glad they’d been invited to drive with them to support Hannah before and after the visit. Who knew how the visit was going to go? After all, he thought she’d been ignoring him for years. Kathy hugged each one of them and gathered a few things to go home and check on her house. She had to make preparations to start back to work, and she reminded the kids they had to go back to school that following Monday. Groans could be heard from all around the table. That was definitely a sign of normalcy!

  Googling Folsom Prison, the teens found it was only four-and-a-half hours away, totally doable, especially on a Saturday.

  “What do we do first?” Cash quizzed Hannah.

  “I guess we need to find out when we can visit, visiting hours. Did they post a schedule?”

  Hannah grabbed the phone. “I’ve never had to visit anyone in prison before, let alone my long-lost dad. Isn’t there a dress code, you know, like on TV?” Laughing, she searched the website and poked around the links.

  The whole thing was so surreal! The man who lived in her dreams, the one she remembered, took her to the beach and on board a ship, not a state prison. Running down a sandy beach, jumping in the tips of the waves, he’d chase
d behind her, as his gruff voice read the map while they looked for treasure. Didn’t every little girl have a treasure map under her bed? If she dreamt long enough, she could hear the seagulls flapping around her, waiting for the scraps from their sandwiches that the scallywag, turned tyrant, had packed for them to take to sea. Her heart sank as soon as she thought of the scallywag… she was so perfect, that scallywag, turned not-so-evil tyrant, after all!

  “Earth to Hannah. Helllllllloooo.” Lindsey giggled. “Where did you go?”

  “Hey, babe,” Cash reached over and placed his hand on her cheek. “You okay?”

  She could barely answer him; her words stuck in her throat.

  “A picnic at the beach, and a game we used to play, me and Hank when I was a kid.”

  “Oh, yeah, the pirate game. You’ve mentioned that a time or two.”

  “Something trigger a memory, Hannah?” Lindsey asked softly.

  She nodded.

  “Yeah, I guess so. We used to go to the beach with picnics that my mom had packed for us. I must’ve had a great imagination, because those memories somehow managed to slip into my dreams. I never forgot the games we played.” Staring at her friends, a smile crossed her face and it was as if she’d had a lightbulb moment.

  “You know, as a kid my dad, the Captain, always put me to bed and I treasured that bedtime ritual. Acting out the pirate story turned into a game that lasted years. Mom, even though we called her a tyrant, let us have that, not once saying a word about being included, or excluded I should say. But I caught her once…”

  Hannah took a deep breath. “She was laughing so hard. Hank had pulled out his imaginary telescope and commanded that the ship go to the island where he’d seen an unidentified monster. I remember jumping on the bed, reaching for the telescope, begging to see.” Hannah’s voice quivered but she kept telling them the story. “When he finally said yes, he grabbed me and threw me over his shoulder, pretending that he was going to feed me to said unidentified monster!” She managed a smile. “It was one of my stuffed toys, an elephant, on my bed. But he twirled me around and around, and I remember laughing so hard I thought I would die, my sides hurt so bad, and that’s when I saw her.”

  “Who?” Cash asked. “Your mom?”

  Hannah nodded. “She had one hand covering her mouth, and I know she was trying not to laugh. In the other hand, she held her glass of wine. She was perched against the wall, on the floor, right outside my bedroom door listening to us play, just listening. But even back then, as a little kid, I knew she was enjoying it as much as we were.”

  “Awe, Hannah, I can so see Gloria doing that!”

  Lindsey held out her hand, and Hannah placed her hand in hers.

  “I can’t help but wonder how many years she had done that each day, watched us play.”

  “Your mom loved you. Let’s go get some answers!”

  They located the visitor’s application for Folsom Prison. The form looked intimidating, but the information seemed understandable. However, the policy of SUBJECT TO SEARCH was terrifying. Visitors entering the facility were subject to search of their person, vehicle, or property. There were several other policies, but that one freaked Hannah out as soon as she read it out loud.

  “Surely they don’t mean strip search, right?”

  “Gawd! I hope not, for your sake!” Cash shrieked.

  “Once you submit the form, they’ll perform a background check to see if you’re approved for a visit. If so, they’ll ask the prisoner if he wants to see you.” Lindsey pointed to the form. “Look.”

  Hannah, now sitting in Cash’s lap, suddenly squealed. “What the hell!”

  “What does it say?” Cash asked, wrapping his arms around her waist and kissing the back of her head.

  “I have to state I’m his daughter and he has to agree to see me.”

  Hannah’s face dropped.

  “It says on the Department of Corrections Visitation Questionnaire that they will notify the inmate that I’ve filled out this form, and the inmate has to sign and approve my visit.” Hannah put the phone down on the table.

  “What if he doesn’t approve it?”

  Cash pulled her up out of her chair and into his lap. Arms wrapped around her waist, he placed a lingering kiss on the back of her neck. It sent the sweetest shivers down her spine, and instantly she felt calmer than she had seconds before.

  “Stop worrying. Who knows what he’ll do, but why wouldn’t Hank want to see you? It doesn’t matter, anyway; you have to do this for you! So finish filling out the form.”

  Realizing how much she had missed his gentle touch, knowing he was right, she turned toward him and kissed him on the mouth. He didn’t hesitate to kiss her back.

  “Seriously you two, come on!” Lindsey playfully rolled her eyes, got up, and left the kitchen table.

  Laughing, still seated on Cash’s lap, Hannah kissed him one more time before continuing to fill out the application. Lindsey rejoined them at the table and read through the policies for visiting an inmate.

  “They have a strict dress code. No shorts, denim, crop tops, halter-tops, see-through garments. Really? See-through, people would actually wear that? The list is endless.”

  “No jeans, seriously?!”

  Cash, picturing Hannah waltzing into prison wearing short shorts, a halter-top, or a see-through garment as listed on the list, started to laugh. He couldn’t help but whistle out loud. Hannah playfully tapped him on the arm and shook her head.

  “What am I supposed to say once I meet him?”

  “Well, that depends on how you look at it, babe. It’s all up to you. Do you want to get reacquainted with your dad or do you just want answers?”

  “And make sure you really want the answers,” Lindsey added. “Not saying they’ll be bad or a big mystery or that he’ll even have them, but just be prepared in case he gives you answers that you don’t want to hear.”

  “You’ve got time to think about it. That form has to be approved first, and once it’s approved, you can still decline to visit.”

  “You’re so sure I’ll be approved?”

  Cash grinned. “I’m not even wasting my breath answering that question. Let’s get out of here. Go for a drive and get some fresh air. Lindsey, you in?”

  “Yeah, and thanks for the invite!”

  “Wanna drive so me and Hannah can…”

  “Oh my God, shut the hell up, and no! Hell no!” Lindsey laughed. “Gawd!”

  “Just kidding. C’mon, y’all!”

  Hannah signed the form electronically, took a deep breath, hit send, and they all headed for the door.

  Chapter 33

  Open It

  Can I

  Should I

  Will I

  Dare I

  What if I’ve changed my mind?

  ~ Hannah Gunner ~

  Walking down the school halls should have felt familiar, but suddenly it seemed foreign to Hannah. Yes, she had been in and out of school due to her mother’s illness and sudden death, but she’d been at this high school for a while now. Suddenly she felt as if every eye was upon her; the thought that everyone knew her dad was a criminal, an inmate in prison, and people were staring at her, consumed her. It didn’t help that she was called out of class during the quietest time possible to visit with the counselor for no apparent reason at all.

  “We’re aware of your loss and wanted you to know if there’s anything you’d like to talk about or anything that you need, we’re here for you.”

  Hannah sat opposite the woman who had barely spoken to her before and who had never been there for her a day in her life until this mandatory meeting and stared at her, speechless. What was she supposed to say to that? Thanks for being there for me. I’d like an A in chemistry because it sucks that I can’t focus right now? The woman persisted.

  “Well, are you doing okay?”

  What kind of question was that, really? Hannah wondered. How was she really supposed to answer that? Surely the woman didn’t
think that she was doing okay in any way, shape, or form.

  “I’m good. Thanks,” Hannah responded.

  Every single thing about Hannah’s body language screamed, please, just let me out of here!

  “Okay, then. Well, let me know if I can help.”

  “Right. Thanks.”

  Grateful that Lindsey was by her side for most of her day, and Cash sent constant Snaps and messages, they made going back to school bearable. Every now and then she even managed to see Cash during passing period and that, without a doubt, was the highlight of her school day.

  Hannah had submitted the visitation application and then purposely shoved it out of her mind. They were living mostly at Kathy’s house, but were still packing and had miscellaneous items still at the apartment. Hannah stopped by the apartment every day after school to check the mail and pack another box. Her heart sank every time she walked through the front door. All of the rooms looked desolate and strange. Scattered boxes, some half-filled, had been left around the apartment. There didn’t seem to be any organization to their move; not like when Gloria had packed up a house, organized, planned, proficient, and easy to recognize what went where when you unpacked. Hannah threw the mail down in the center of the living room floor and walked to Gloria’s bedroom. It looked and felt strange. No furniture. Boxes. Empty closet. She sat down in the center of her mom’s room. It was almost cleared out. Nearly everything donated. Some items, precious only to Hannah and Kathy, had been saved and packed for the move.

  A box spilling over with a burgundy garment in the corner of the room caught Hannah’s eye. Immediately she ran to the box, opened it up, and pulled out Gloria’s oversized, worn-out cardigan. Holding it next to her face, smelling the scent of her mom, the grief and loss she felt came rushing back. Emotions she thought she had already dealt with surfaced again. Sobs, the deepest heart-wrenching sobs, echoed through the empty apartment. Falling to her knees, face buried in the cardigan, Hannah rocked back and forth on her knees and let her tears fall. Wailing and barely being able to catch her breath, Hannah’s sobs continued until she felt a hand touch her on her shoulder. The subtle touch turned into a pair of arms wrapping around her, right there on the empty apartment room floor, as her aunt Kathy held her close to her chest and cried as silently as she could. Hannah gripped the cardigan for dear life. Exhausted, the tears finally stopped. Unable to breathe through her nose, still sniffling, and eyes puffy, Hannah stood up. Still gripping the cardigan, she reached out her hand to help Kathy to her feet.