“Let’s go home,” Kathy suggested.
Hannah nodded.
She walked out with the cardigan and never once looked at the mail she’d retrieved that day. A hot shower, a bowl of soup, and a text from Cash seemed to fix everything. Plopping down on the couch, Hannah reached for the remote.
“Anything you want to watch?” Hannah asked as she flipped through the channels.
Kathy shook her head. “No. But I picked the mail up from the apartment that you’d grabbed today, and you have a letter.”
Hannah’s head whipped around.
“From Folsom State Prison.” Kathy placed the letter on the coffee table in front of Hannah. “Open it.”
Hannah’s heart suddenly started pounding, beating so hard that she could count each beat. Her palms were beginning to sweat, and she noticed that her hands were shaking. Holding them out, she showed her aunt.
“Oh my God! Look at my hands; I’m shaking!”
Kathy jumped up and sat down next to her on the couch.
“Do you want to wait until Cash and Lindsey are here? You can open it tomorrow if you like.”
Staring at the letter, Hannah knew what she had to do. Open it. After all, it was just an approval or denial; it wasn’t like it was from Hank, her dad. Slowly she reached for the letter. Hannah Gunner was the addressee. Carefully she opened the seal, trying hard not to rip the entire envelope. One by one, she began to unfold the papers.
“Well, what does it say?” Kathy asked.
Hannah read the letter and reread it again to be sure it said what she thought it did.
“Hannah!”
“It says I’ve been approved.”
“And?”
Hannah stared at the paper that she held in her shaking hands.
“Hannah, you’re killing me here! And?”
“He says he’ll see me.”
As if in shock, Hannah repeated the words.
“Hank, I guess my dad, says he’ll see me.”
Chapter 34
Bucket of Nerves
I have her eyes
His nose
Her smile
His… what?
~ Hannah Gunner ~
Hannah stared at herself in front of the mirror. Her long hair hung in waves around her shoulders. Her eyes, surprisingly still bright blue, were slightly sunken but she did notice tiny black circles under them. Lack of sleep, no doubt. The longer she stared, the less she recognized herself. Would he remember her if even she didn’t know who she was anymore? An empty feeling swept over her; as bad as she wanted to meet him, she wanted everything back to normal more than that. Her kind of normal, before her mom got sick and her life fell apart. Gloria sticking her head in her room to see if she was awake. Hannah pretending she wasn’t so she could sleep a little longer. The smell of cheap coffee filling the air and wafting through the apartment, instead of the sound of a loud grinder, waking up the entire house, as it ground the fresh beans. Heavy heart, stomach flipping, Hannah forced herself to pull back her hair and start her morning ritual. Her new room didn’t feel like hers yet, but at least it had its own bathroom. Now that the day had finally arrived, she felt nauseous. Her phone vibrated, startling her, and that’s when she knew she had to pull herself together.
Cash: Love you. See ya soon!
Hannah: Love you too. Nervous.
Cash: Don’t be. You’ve got this! Love you.
Standing underneath the hot water in the shower, Hannah didn’t fight back the trickle of tears that ran down her face and blended with the hot water running over her body. It felt like a relief to let them out. Not sure what the tears were for in that moment, Hannah shook it off. She chose an outfit that followed the rules and was basic: bra, underwear, socks, black pants since she couldn’t wear jeans, sweatshirt, and converse. Leaving off any jewelry, including earrings, Hannah even removed her watch. Most teens her age didn’t wear watches, but she’d been fascinated with watches since she’d learned to tell time and Gloria had bought her a new watch. She’d received a new watch nearly every year since her mom discovered her love of them. Taking off the last watch that her mom had ever gifted her, Hannah kissed it before laying it on her dressing table. A part of her felt as if she was betraying her mom, but she pushed that thought aside, out of her head, and reminded herself that it was Gloria who insisted she know about Hank.
“Are you decent?” Lindsey asked, tapping on her bedroom door.
“Does it matter if I am?”
“Guess not.”
Lindsey slowly opened the door and peeked in. Hannah was sitting on the edge of her bed, dressed, flipping through her phone. Lindsey pointed to the door.
“Kathy wants to know if you’re coming to eat breakfast.”
The thought of food made Hannah’s stomach turn. She shook her head.
“I honestly don’t think I could eat anything right now.”
“I brought donuts.” Lindsey smiled, trying to entice her friend.
“Jelly?”
“Of course!”
Kathy poured coffee for the girls as they dove into the box of doughnuts. Cash was on his way. It would be time to leave shortly after he arrived. Hannah’s nerves were trying to get the best of her despite the distractions. Kathy, pulling together Hannah’s birth certificate and her custodial paperwork, wasn’t helping. Seeing the paperwork made everything real. She was under Kathy’s care until she was eighteen and then what? Would Kathy let her stay until she was on her feet? No time to think about that at this moment. Heading to a state prison was a daunting feeling.
She wasn’t allowed to take anything into the prison such as gifts, or supplies, but Hannah instinctively grabbed a few photos and a couple of letters. Kathy drove. Lindsey sat up front with Kathy, and Cash sat in the back with Hannah. Holding her hand the entire way, he continually whispered words of encouragement in her ear. Signs started to appear on the side of the road. APPROACHING FOLSOM STATE PRISON. KEEP YOUR DOORS LOCKED. PRISON ZONE. FOLSOM STATE PRISON AHEAD. The color drained from Hannah’s cheeks as they came closer to their destination and she read each sign. Kathy barely said a word. Struggling with the thought of the man that she knew, Gloria’s husband and Hannah’s father, behind the walls of the facility that they were about to enter, didn’t fit with the man they had once known and loved. Though she didn’t dare pretend to understand what her sister might have been going through, she had a better understanding than before. Gloria must have felt sick each and every time she made the drive to visit her husband.
“Oh my God, this is it!” Hannah buried her face in Cash’s shoulder. “I don’t know if I can do it. I’m not sure I can go in.”
Cash gently ran his hand up and down her back. “Look, we’re not here to make you do anything that you don’t want to do. It’s up to you if you go in or not, but you have come all this way.”
Kathy stopped at the gate and gave the guard her driver’s license. She politely answered all of his questions, and Hannah gave him her ID to be checked off the list. Cash and Lindsey sat quietly and assured the guard that they were there merely for support; he couldn’t care less one way or the other. After a few uncomfortable minutes, he waved them through and directed them to a visitors parking area. Kathy parked the car, took a deep breath, and realized just how nervous she was for Hannah.
“I feel like I’m a bucket of nerves. I can’t imagine how you must feel right now.”
Hannah tried her best to force a smile, but no matter how hard she tried, she could barely turn up the corners of her mouth.
“Cash is right,” Kathy added. “We’re behind you one hundred percent, whatever you decide to do, we are here for you no matter what!” Rushing toward her, Kathy held Hannah in her arms. “Sweetie, this may be the only way to get the answers to the questions that you’re looking for, true, but it’s possible no one knows why Gloria did what she did.” Stepping back and looking her niece head on, she continued, “My sister wasn’t well, and evidently for a long time.”
> Hannah nodded, reached out and squeezed Kathy’s and Cash’s hands, then reached for Lindsey, and did the same to hers. “I get it, I do, but like Cash said, we came all the way here for some answers.” She took a deep breath, smiled a crooked smile, and said, “Let’s do this!”
Chapter 35
I Remember You
I remember you
Don’t you remember me?
We used to play that game
The one when we’re at sea
Sand in between my toes
Laughter ringing out
How could you have forgotten?
What we were all about?!
~ Hannah Gunner ~
Cash grabbed Hannah’s hand as they walked toward the gate. The simple gesture meant more to her than he realized. Her nerves were taking over. Not only was the prison intimidating with its cement block walls, topped with barbed wire, lights, and guard posts just like you saw in the movies, but she had no idea how her dad was going to react to his long-lost daughter suddenly showing up. IDs and paperwork were rechecked, everything was in order, and to her relief, Kathy, Cash, and Lindsey were allowed to wait with her in the actual visitor’s area until she was called back to visit with Hank. There was only one condition: they all had to agree to a security check before entering the building. Thankfully no one objected.
“Women to the right. Guys, or guy I should say, to the left.”
Cash leaned in, kissed Hannah on the lips, and went through the metal detector before being escorted by a guard down the hall for another security check in a room on the left.
“Who’s the visitor?” asked a guard.
“Me. I mean, I am,” Hannah managed.
“Come with me, please.”
Hannah’s face turned white as a sheet as a female guard instructed her to walk through another security checkpoint before escorting her to a room on the right. Another female guard was waiting for them inside the room. Fear swept over Hannah as the thought of a strip search taking place ran through her mind. The second guard patted her entire body down and scanned every inch of her body with a hand-held metal detector before asking her a series of questions. Digging her hands in Hannah’s pockets, the guard pulled out a folded letter and a photograph. She threw them in a basket on a nearby table for the other guard to examine.
“Do you have any illegal substances on your person?”
“No. No, ma’am. Not illegal, just a letter and photo, those, from my pocket.”
Hannah motioned to the letters and photos that the guard had pulled out of her pocket with her eyes.
The guard examining the items nodded to the guard standing next to Hannah and handed the items back to her.
“Clear.”
“Sorry,” Hannah responded nervously.
“No, that’s okay. Those are allowed,” the guard escorting Hannah responded. “Your first time?”
Hannah nodded.
“You may join your family and friends; they’ll let you know when they’re ready for you to go back.”
Nervously, Hannah thanked the guard and walked quickly toward the visitor’s room. Cash stood up as soon as he saw her, hugged her, and made a place for her to sit next to Lindsey.
“Everything okay?” Kathy inquired.
Hannah nodded. “Yeah. No problem.”
Being in the prison, sitting in visitor’s area, was surreal. The regular visitors acted as if this were the most normal thing in the world, visiting an inmate in state prison, but Hannah was so far out of her element she didn’t know how to act. She looked like a newbie, and she knew it, which only made her feel worse. It was pointless making small talk because there wasn’t anything left to say, and when Hannah’s name was eventually called, everyone froze.
“Gunner. Hannah Gunner,” a voice boomed across the room.
The moment had finally arrived, and Hannah couldn’t move. Her body felt as if it were anchored in one position, bolted down to the chair, making it impossible to move. Kathy spoke on her behalf as she pointed to Hannah and tugged at her arm to help her take a step forward.
“Here, right here.”
Finding her feet, Hannah shakily walked toward the guard. Her face was as white as the whitewashed walls and her whole body was trembling. The guard assigned to take her back to visit the inmate spotted her as a first-timer immediately.
“First visit?” He asked.
Hannah nodded.
“You’ll be all right. Just keep your head down in the hallway and if you do pass any of the inmates, don’t listen to them, or take anything they say personally. They try really hard to make visitors feel uncomfortable.”
Hannah nodded, too scared to speak.
“You said Gunner?”
“Yes.”
“You’re only the third visitor Gunner’s ever had in here. Not sure why that is, but I do know he doesn’t talk a whole lot.”
Hannah managed a slight smile. Third, huh. Wonder who the second was, she thought as they walked toward the inmate visitor area.
“Take a seat on the end slot.”
The guard pointed to a red phone. “When they bring him out, just pick up the phone and you can talk to him through it.”
Hannah nodded and pulled the letter and photo out of her pocket. She placed it on the ledge in front of her seat and tried to smooth out the wrinkles from the folds. It didn’t work. Each one had lines all through them, but the faded writing could still be read, and the image of her as a little girl and her dad was still visible. The guard stuck his head back in.
“Oh, by the way, you’ve got one hour.”
“Thank you.”
“Don’t thank me, thank the Governor of California.”
A green light lit up above the door on the opposite side of the glass. Hannah’s pulse quickened as she realized that was the door the inmates would soon walk through. She took a deep breath as the door started to open and tried to compose herself. Three inmates were escorted in. Watching them closely, she waited to see which one of them would sit down in front of the glass opposite her. The khaki jumpsuits all looked alike, but the men couldn’t be more different, and then she saw him. Her dad, the man she called the Captain, the man from her dreams, plain as day, walking toward her. The years had undoubtedly taken a toll on him, but that was to be expected. Seeing him brought unexpected tears to her eyes, but she blinked them away. Her trembling hands reached for the red phone. She picked it up as she waited anxiously for him to sit down and pick up his.
His dark brown hair, which used to spill everywhere, had turned to salt-and-pepper grey. His dark eyes had lost their shine and were sunken in, lost and distant, not the eyes that she remembered. Those eyes were so dark and bright that she could see her own reflection in them when he’d spin her around. There wasn’t a single trace of a smile; in fact, it didn’t look like he had smiled for years. But then again, who could blame him? There couldn’t be that much to smile about in prison. Lines, thick lines, were engraved in his forehead, but Hannah couldn’t study his entire face as she’d hoped. She saw him briefly, long enough to soak in but a few details. To her horror, just like her worst nightmare, he glanced her way, took one look at her and turned to walk back toward the door!
He never sat down, let alone picked up the phone. Reaching out his hand to knock on the door that he’d just walked through, Hannah lost it. Jumping to her feet she banged on the glass with both of her hands, and a guard immediately rushed over and scolded her.
“You can’t do that, ma’am. You’ll be escorted out.”
Pleading with him, she begged the guard to reason with Hank.
“Make him wait, please, stop him! Make him wait! I’ve come all this way!”
The guard did nothing, though the look on Hannah’s face and the fear in her eyes made him curse Hank Gunner’s name! Hannah never took her eyes off the man who had given her so much comfort in her dreams, the Captain, Hank, her dad, whoever he was these days as he walked away from her. Desperate, she stood there praying he would
turn around and look at her… just look at her!
Struggling with demons of his own, Hank, against his better judgment, slowly looked over his shoulder and stared at the young stranger whose face was pressed against the glass. Her fists were clenched, and in one hand she held a wad of paper, and in the other hand, she slammed a photo against the glass. Tears trickled down her cheeks, and she was mouthing words that he couldn’t make out. The door that Hank stood in front of swung open, and the guard asked him if he was done. Hank hesitantly shook his head.
“Don’t do that again, Gunner. Next time your visitation will be over!”
“No, sir!”
Reluctantly, he walked back toward Hannah and sat down. She was finally face to face with her father again. They stared at each other for the longest time. Hannah pointed to the red phone, mouthing the words, pick up. Finally, he reached for it. His voice was cold and monotone, certainly not the kind, gruff voice that she remembered as a kid.
“Yes.”
Yes! What kind of greeting was that? Unsure of where to start, worried about rambling, Hannah just dove right on in.
“It’s, um, me!”
“Who?”
Taken aback that he didn’t recognize her, Hannah put the photo of them together and placed it back against the glass. Leaning in, he peered at it closely, stared at her, and then examined the picture again. His facial expression gave nothing away. If he was feeling anything at all, she didn’t know it. Not even a flicker of emotion in his eyes.
Captain Fin Page 24