“Hannah. I’m Hannah.” She waited for a response, anything, but she received nothing. “Your daughter.”
Expressionless, he sat opposite her, irritated, and he may as well have taken a knife and ripped out her heart when he finally bothered to respond.
“I don’t have a daughter.”
A pain so sharp shot through Hannah that she physically felt it, but she wasn’t about to let him see that he had hurt her. Right now, he didn’t deserve it.
“Wow! Guess prison changes people, huh?”
He didn’t respond.
“Well, that’s a lie, Hank Gunner, because you do have a daughter, and you know very well that you’re looking at her! Yeah, that’s right, it’s me… Hannah!” Fury spewed from her lips. Anger from her mom’s death, lies, betrayal, loss, and knowing she was opposite an asshole she’d admired in her head for so long. “You don’t remember me? Really? Evidently not,” she added sarcastically. “Well, guess what; I remember you or should I say, lack of you!”
She pulled out the letter and held it up to the glass. “Do you remember these? Did you even write them? How about we start there!” Her tone was bitter and hateful. He had heard it change within seconds. “Did the prison fairy write them, since it wasn’t you and all?”
Throwing the letter back down on the ledge, Hannah leaned back in her chair. “I have letters, tons of them, you wrote to me for years and years, and guess what? They all came from Folsom Prison! I can read this one to you if you like… if you’ve forgotten how to read as well, since you’ve forgotten a lot of things over the years, you know, like a family.”
“Kind of a smart ass, aren’t ya?” He chuckled, but Hannah wasn’t amused.
Hannah didn’t stop. She started reading his letter. Hank never acknowledged that he wrote it. Staring at his hands, scared to look into her big blue eyes just in case he fell head-over-heels in love with his little girl all over again, only to lose her once more. He cut her off before she could say another word!
“You know what, Miss Smartypants, none of that right there,” he pointed to the ledge in front of her that held the letter and photo that she’d brought with her, “or the fact that you showed up here out of nowhere, matters anymore. The decision to bust up what was left of our family, not letting me talk to you anymore, moving without telling anyone where you were, abandoning me in here, was made by one person alone a long time ago, and it wasn’t me!” Rolling his eyes, throwing up his hands, he struggled for words. “Letters forwarded, but no more phone calls, but the worst crime, by far worse than anything I ever did, was not letting me talk to my own little girl! Do you, YOU, have any idea what that was like?” He pointed at Hannah, who was speechless.
Merely inches away from each other, and he still wouldn’t look at her. Watching her last chance slip away before her eyes, she tried desperately to reach out to him before he hung up the phone. Everything he had just said didn’t make sense to her. Why would her mom do that to them?
“Please, just listen for one second, please. I didn’t know. I didn’t know about the letters, the phone calls, the moves, any of it. I didn’t know you had no idea where we were or that any of that was going on.”
His eyes flashed toward her. “What do you mean you didn’t know about the letters? You didn’t think it strange your dad stopped calling you for no apparent reason?”
Hannah shook her head.
“What the hell are you talking about, girl? Spit it out!”
It wasn’t as if he couldn’t see her anguish, because he was witnessing it right before his eyes. Fear was written all over her face, worried that she’d run out of time and lose him all over again. After all, what was an hour to repair all of the damage, the betrayal, which neither of them could understand? Hannah took a deep breath, and though her voice was trembling, she threw down a bombshell that she knew was going to change both of their lives. How? That depended on how he received the information that she delivered. Forgiveness or bitterness, love or hate, maybe a combination of both was about to be dealt. Fearing for the worst but hoping for the best, fighting back her tears so she wouldn’t appear weak, Hannah shared with him the ugly truth.
“Because I didn’t even know that you were alive.”
“What in the hell are you talking about?” Hank’s face changed in an instant. Shock, not anger, swept over him. “How is that even possible?”
“I thought you were dead.” Hannah was visibly shaking. “I was told you were dead!”
“That fucking bitch!” Hank, holding the phone with one hand, threw his other hand in the air. “What the hell was that woman thinking? Bitch!”
Hannah cringed.
“Don’t. Don’t do that!” Hannah snapped. “Please. Don’t do that… “
“She had no right! She had no right to do that to YOU or ME!” Hank bellowed so loud that Hannah jumped in her chair, and the guards warned him to calm down.
“NO RIGHT! Do you hear me?”
Hannah sat motionless in the chair, red phone still in hand, unable to say a single word. Hank continued to rant as if unaware his daughter sat opposite him.
“No fucking right!” Hank said, head hung in hands and fist clenched. “I had a life, not in here, but out there with my so-called family, and she ruined my reason to get up in the morning and do it for one more fricking day!” As if the wind had been sucked out of his sails, Hank continued to talk to himself. “Gloria took away my reason to fight,” he said, staring at Hannah. “YOU! You were my reason, and she took you away.”
Hannah didn’t dare move or speak. Hearing his words but barely listening, she sat in the chair as he rambled.
“And I dare say, if you were honest with yourself, that bitch ruined your life on some level as well!”
Hannah fought back her overwhelming desire to fight back on her mom’s behalf. On some level he was right, but on another level, she believed he HAD to be wrong. Hank went on and on.
“She destroyed our family and that was her choice, not mine or yours!”
Hannah sat, numb, too scared to speak until he was through with his rant. She looked just like her mother, big blue eyes and all, and at that moment those eyes were both a blessing and a curse. It was a terrible place for Hank to be, in love with someone you hate. His anger toward Gloria was eating him alive, but loving her was killing him even faster. As he spoke, he managed to make eye contact with his daughter.
“I used to call the house begging her, begging her, to let me speak to you. I swear I have no idea to this day how she could be so cold, abandoning me and stealing you.”
Hannah’s eyes glossed over, but she never said a word as he described how painful it was each time he called home.
“Let me talk to Hannah. Please, Gloria, let me talk to Hannah, please.”
Blinking away his tears, he placed a finger on the glass and pointed directly toward her; it was chilling.
“Do you know what that cold-hearted woman would say?”
Hannah, a blank expression on her face, shook her head.
“Nothing. Not a goddamn word! Nothing. That’s right. Not a word.” His voice was cold and angry. “She’d let me beg. Told me it was for the best, insisted it was for you and your protection, and then that bitch would hang up the damn phone.”
They sat in silence for a few minutes. Hannah had no idea what to say next; she was starting to think she would never find the answers she needed. Hank didn’t appear to have them, and her mom had made no sense. Grasping for straws, Hannah asked him what seemed to be a ridiculous question.
“I was hoping you could fill in some blanks for me. I have clouded memories, and I’m confused by the choices my mom made.”
“Hell, you’re confused? You’re preaching to the choir! Join the club.”
“Why don’t you ask her and give her a message for me while you’re at it. Tell her I want a damn divorce. That she’s a cruel bitch who doesn’t deserve a beautiful kid like you.”
Hannah hung her head. “Please stop
.”
He didn’t apologize.
“She’s not perfect, far from it, but she is my mom.” Hannah looked him square in the eye and with confidence said, “And I love her!” She took a deep breath, wondering if he was going to say something nasty, but he didn’t, so she forged ahead gingerly. “Looking back, I know that she did her best. I wasn’t always an easy kid, but what I don’t know is why she told me that you were killed in prison.” Hannah proceeded cautiously. “I was hoping you could help me figure that part out and we could rebuild our relationship.”
His eyes grew huge, but a slight spark was triggered when he heard the words rebuild our relationship. Had Hannah really sought him out to do such a thing, and was it even possible? The timing couldn’t have been better!
“You have to understand, Hannah, that she betrayed us both! She took you from me, and me from you, blowing up our entire family. Did you know I was up for parole, again, but after she walked out on me and took you with her, I didn’t even care anymore.”
“But didn’t you get into a fight that blew your parole? The one that caused an injury so bad you supposedly, but clearly not, died.”
Feelings of anger, resentment, and hate were starting to surface. Hank tried to respect Hannah’s feelings and calm down, but recalling every time he begged to talk to his little girl, sitting before him now a beautiful young woman, infuriated him all over again.
“A second parole hearing, and are you blaming me for this mess, not seeing or speaking to you?”
Hannah shook her head. “I don’t know who to blame, if there’s any blame or what the hell’s going on, but I need some answers.”
“Watch your mouth!” Hank shook his finger at her. “Your mother teach you to talk like that?” He grinned for the first time, and his face softened. “She promised to stand by me, your mom, but she didn’t. Did she tell you that?”
Hannah didn’t respond. Her blank stare told him she was evaluating, though not yet convinced he was telling her the entire truth.
“A phone call, Hannah, a freaking phone call, I couldn’t even talk to you. Then, wouldn’t you know it, without a word she up and moved, taking you with her, and it took forever to get a forwarding address. But a lot of good that did me, considering she didn’t give you any of the letters I wrote.” His fists were clenched, and his jaw tightened. “Evil bitch!”
Hannah couldn’t take the insults anymore. Clearing her throat, she prepared herself to drop the bombshell that her mom was dead. The words formed in her mouth and she realized it was the first time that she had actually said them out loud. She couldn’t think of a nice way to say it, and hearing his insults still angered her. Despite her desire to be tactful, the words just blurted out of her mouth.
“She’s dead!”
Hank looked at her in disbelief, chuckled, and didn’t acknowledge the words that she had delivered into the universe. Something about the way Hannah’s big blue eyes turned cold, and her stare shot right through him, told him she wasn’t kidding. An awkward silence consumed them for a few moments, but it felt like an eternity. It indeed wasn’t the news that he had been expecting. It was easier to be angry, mad, and to resent the woman who he had so desperately loved and missed than to feel grief and sadness for her. The sense of loss that swept over him was confusing; she had, after all, betrayed them. The news was a reminder of how much he had loved her at one time or maybe he really still did. Hannah broke the silence.
“It went pretty fast, but the doctors thought she must’ve had it for some time.”
“How?” Hank asked, his voice barely audible.
“Cancer.”
“What about you?” He dipped his head. “What are you doing?”
“Mom must have known she was ill and moved us back home, to be near Kathy, and I’m living with her now. Well, we’re almost done clearing out our place.”
Hank raised his head and looked up at Hannah. His eyes were glassy, and Hannah could tell the news had shocked him.
“How is Kathy?”
“Fine,” Hannah responded. “She’s actually here; she brought me to see you.”
“I didn’t know.” Hank hung his head. “I didn’t know about your mom. Wow. I didn’t know.”
“No one did. Mom kept it to herself for as long as she could; she didn’t want anyone to worry, but that was who she was; maybe you never saw that side of her.”
He shook his head. “No, you’re wrong. I did. We had several good years.”
Hannah hesitated, and Hank could see the wheels spinning in her head. He likely wouldn’t believe her, but she felt the need to tell him that her mom was a good person, kind, and loving.
“She loved you, right up till the end. She kept a photo of us; all three of us, by her bed, and never once went out with other men.
“Well, we were married!”
“Yes, but who would’ve known that?”
He nodded. Hannah was right about that. More than halfway through the visit and Hannah hadn’t once mentioned the games that they used to play, the ones that had kept her going as a child. Nervously she brought him up, the man who kept her safe, if only in her head.
“I remember him, the Captain.”
“Who?”
“Captain Fin.”
She giggled, but Hank sat sad and stone-faced as he observed every inch of her face as she smiled and flipped strands of hair away from her face with her hands.
“You wouldn’t know this, but my most vivid memories as a child are of the pirate game that we always played.”
The tiniest smile crept across his face as Hannah recapped some of her memories. Chasing the waves, looking for treasure, pulling up the sails, she had tons of them buried in her memory bank.
“Treasure Island, searching for hidden treasure, our ship, walking the plank, and you even promoted me to First Matey.” She laughed so loud it made him smile. “I’m not kidding, over the years my memories and the game became blurred. Focusing on the game as much as I did, in my dreams, daydreams in school, and when I had free time to play, I started to think that maybe I had made most of it up or my dad was really a pirate.”
Laughing out loud when he heard those words—really, a pirate—Hannah recognized for the first time the sound of his voice. He was hanging on to every word that she said, waiting for her to tell him more, but she was doing the very same thing! She told him about her prized possession, the one that she had packed so carefully and moved with her everywhere since the day he had given it to her, the conch shell.
“You still have that thing?”
“What? Did you just ask me that?”
His eyes pleaded for more and Hannah didn’t disappoint. “My magical shell; the one you gave me with instructions, to boot!” She grinned. “Whenever I was sad, missed you, or if mom was crying, I’d go into my room and pick up my magical conch shell, place it by ear and disappear to the ocean.”
Hank’s eyes lit up. She’d missed him, just like he had missed her.
“Can’t believe you still have that thing.”
Hannah grinned. “That thing has been my comfort for years.”
Cupping her hand, she placed it against her ear. “I remember the day you showed me how to listen to the ocean. I’ve escaped to my imaginary beach ever since.”
The years had flown by so quickly, and he had missed everything! She had grown into a striking young lady, but sitting here, right now in front of him, talking about that stupid shell, she was acting like his little girl all over again.
“I’d fall asleep every night knowing you were going to find me and put me right back on the ship.” She rolled her eyes and laughed. “Of course, I mean to bed.”
Hank motioned for her to go back to something she’d said earlier; it took her by surprise.
“You mentioned that Gloria cried.” His voice had softened. “Did she cry a lot when you were growing up?” he asked sympathetically.
“I think probably more than the other moms. I didn’t know that then, but I do no
w.”
“What about?” he asked.
“Well,” she leaned forward on the edge of her chair, placing her head on hands, propped on her elbows. “I was hoping those were the answers I could get from you.”
“How can I tell you what that woman cried about? I didn’t even know who she was anymore. The woman I knew wouldn’t have done what she did. Hannah, she wouldn’t have abandoned our family like that, wouldn’t have abandoned me.”
Hank examined his daughter’s face for the longest time. After not seeing her for years, he couldn’t take his eyes off of her. She had so many of Gloria’s features, but a few of his stuck out.
Running his hands over his face and through his hair, shaking his head, Hank finally came up with an answer that was believable.
“YOU. You were the reason!” Hesitating, he finally added something else. “And me.”
They were finally getting somewhere. Afraid she’d say the wrong thing, Hannah sat patiently and waited for Hank to take the lead.
“Gloria didn’t want you to visit me in prison, here, at Folsom. You were just a little kid back then, tiny really for your age, but smart! She’d done some kind of research, she’d said, read some studies that at the time had said it was detrimental to kids’ development to visit parents in prison.” He took a deep breath, and Hannah thought he was blinking away tears.
“I begged her and begged her to reconsider. Truth be told, I probably pressured her to bring you up to see me. Telling her that studies change all the time and that you can’t believe everything you read, and kids are resilient and you’d probably forget anyway.”
Hank hung his head.
“I think she was starting to come around. You probably don’t remember, but I was still calling you and talking to you both, but then I was jumped and got into a fight, or another fight, I should say. An officer was assaulted during the chaos; he accidentally took a swing intended for someone else.” Hank took a deep breath. “But anyway, I lost early release or any chance of a parole hearing.”
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