by Susan Stoker
Her eyes felt as if they were weighted down with lead and she knew if she looked in the mirror, she’d see huge bags under her eyes. She had to go down to the clinic this morning and grovel for her full-time job back, and hoped she’d be able to hide her exhaustion.
Milena made a quick bathroom pit stop then headed for JT’s room. He knew the drill, he was extremely smart, and she knew he’d be waiting for her. He was.
He’d climbed up onto the changing table all by himself and was lying on his back. She’d tried everything in her power to dissuade him from climbing up on the furniture, but when nothing worked, she’d done what she could to make the area around it safer, putting a squishy mat below the changing table and even having her dad shorten the legs. Milena made a mental note to try to speed up his potty training.
As was their routine, JT was holding a small pillow. As she got to work changing his diaper, he held it out to her. “Kiss Daddy.”
Milena dutifully leaned forward and kissed the fabric picture sewn onto the front of the pillow by her mom. “Now you,” she told her son.
Milena smiled as JT brought the pillow to his own face and kissed/slobbered all over it.
For some reason, the ritual made Milena’s heart hurt that morning.
Her mom hadn’t understood why she’d wanted her to make the small pillow for JT. She’d tried to explain, but wasn’t sure she’d succeeded when her mom had shaken her head and sighed.
Milena wanted JT to know his daddy. Even if he’d never meet him. Even if he’d never know him. She wanted her son to know his father was a hero. A man who’d given his all for his country. But mostly, she wanted JT to know that he was created out of love. That even if his father wasn’t physically in their lives, it didn’t mean JT wasn’t wanted.
Milena had been shocked to find out a week after TJ had left that she was pregnant. They’d been pretty careful with condoms, but there had been a few times when they’d both been too excited, too eager to bother. She thought she knew the exact moment they’d created JT…
They’d been out to eat, and something had happened. TJ suffered from PTSD, even though he’d refused to tell her what had occurred during his last mission. The one that had put him in the VA hospital where they’d met. Milena didn’t know what had set him off at the restaurant that night, but he’d been on edge. She’d suggested heading home early instead of going to the movies as they’d planned.
They’d arrived back at her apartment and he was still obviously not himself. Desperately wanting to help, Milena had grabbed him behind the neck and kissed him as passionately as she could. That was all it took. He immediately took over as the aggressor and she’d found herself stripped of the sundress she’d been wearing and naked on the living room floor before she knew what had happened.
TJ had gone down on her, pulling two orgasms from her before sitting up and stripping off his own clothes. Neither of them had spoken, the moment too intense for that. He’d brought her to her knees and encouraged her to lean over the couch cushions. Then he’d taken her from behind. Hard. Rough. Deep.
And it had felt amazing.
She’d never been as turned on as she was that night. TJ had pounded into her as if she was the only thing holding him together. And she’d loved it.
But even as he’d taken her how he wanted, he hadn’t been selfish. One of his hands had snaked around her body and roughly fingered her clit, forcing her to come with him. Then, after he’d exploded deep inside her, and she thought they were done, he’d stood, picked her up as if she weighed no more than a child, and carried her into her bedroom.
There, he’d made slow, sweet love to her, wringing another orgasm out of her before planting his cock as deep as he could go and looking into her eyes as he’d emptied himself inside her once more.
They hadn’t talked about it afterwards. Hadn’t discussed the fact that he hadn’t used a condom. The next time they’d had sex, and every time after that, he’d made sure to glove up.
Milena knew without a doubt they’d created their son during that intense night when she’d let him use her to fight his demons.
She’d loved TJ Rockwell with every fiber of her being. And, even though he’d left her without looking back, she wanted his son to love him too. So, she’d had her mom make the special pillow. One JT could hold, hug, and not worry about breaking.
She told her son stories about how brave his daddy was. How handsome. He would have questions later. He’d want to know why his daddy wasn’t there. Why he’d left. Milena wasn’t sure what she’d tell him. She didn’t want to lie and tell him that his daddy was dead, but she also didn’t want him to ever feel anything other than love and pride for his father.
Milena had put pictures of TJ all around their son’s room. Everywhere she looked, she was confronted with his handsome face. It was torture, but she’d done it for JT. The little boy looked exactly like his dad. Light brown hair that, at the moment, was too long and sat in large ringlets all over his head. He’d inherited her blue eyes, but his lips, nose, cheekbones, and even his ears were all TJ’s.
Tears welled up in Milena’s eyes as she finished changing the diaper. She normally didn’t get so sentimental, but after hearing about how awful the babies’ lives were who’d lived at the school, and because she was so tired, she couldn’t stop the tears that fell down her cheeks.
“Mama sad?” JT asked, bringing the small pillow up to her face. “Daddy help.”
Milena choked back a bitter laugh. If only.
She allowed her son to press the pillow against her face a couple times, then pulled back. She lifted him and grunted with fake exertion. “Man, you’re getting big, little man!” She placed him on his chubby feet and wasn’t surprised when he took off for the door. Her son hated wearing clothes. He much preferred to walk around in nothing but his diaper, and if he could get away with it, he’d tear that off too.
She put his dirty overnight diaper in the trash can and picked up one of his shirts and a pair of shorts, then followed her son down to the kitchen.
An hour later, when her mom wandered down the stairs, Milena had managed to get JT into his shirt and fed. They’d had snuggle time and he was now watching a cartoon.
“Hey, Mom,” Milena said.
“Hey, baby,” Missy Reinhardt said, stopping to kiss her daughter on the head as she went past the couch on her way to the kitchen. She poured a cup of coffee, then came back into the living room and sat next to her daughter. “You okay?”
Milena wasn’t surprised her mom knew something was up.
“Yeah. Just tired.”
“What time did you get in last night?”
Milena cringed. “Four-thirty.”
Her mom’s eyebrows shot up. “Seriously?”
She nodded. Her mom didn’t demand to know why, but Milena didn’t expect her to. Her mom had always been pretty laid-back. Oh, she wasn’t a pushover, but she had learned over the years to let her daughter share on her terms.
Milena took a sip of the lukewarm coffee in her cup and sighed. “You know that new job that was too good to be true?”
“Mm hmmm.”
“It was too good to be true.” Then she went on to tell her mom everything she’d learned about the Bexar County School and Orphanage for Girls, making sure JT was fully engrossed in the show and speaking quietly so he didn’t overhear.
“Oh, baby girl, I’m so sorry.”
“I…” Milena swallowed hard before continuing. “I’m going to need to stay here longer than I thought.”
“You’re welcome here as long as you want. This will always be a home for you. You know that,” Missy said gently.
Tears sprang to Milena’s eyes. “I know, but I can’t help but feel as if I’m interfering with you and Daddy’s life. I should be living on my own. It’s not fair that you have to help me raise my son. You already did your time with poopy diapers and a messy house.” She waved her hand at the room, indicating the toys that were scattered willy-nilly on the
floor in front of them.
“Look at me,” her mom demanded.
Milena took a deep breath and did as ordered.
“Having you and JT here is a gift. Being able to get to know my grandson as well as I do is not a hardship. I love having him, and you, here.”
“And Sadie too?” Milena joked.
“Sadie too,” her mom said immediately. “I’ve always liked her, you know that. And honestly, I’m thrilled she’s here to give you a friend to talk to. I’m more than aware of what a hermit you are, Milena. You go to work and come straight home. You never go out, and you spend all your time talking to JT. He’s great, but you need friends too. Since she’s been here, you’ve changed. Relaxed more. It’s a good thing.”
“There’s something else,” Milena said, not wanting to keep this from her mom.
“What, hon?”
“The agent last night said Jeremiah and his son are missing. They weren’t arrested after the raid.”
Missy stiffened. “Are you in danger?”
Leave it to her mom to cut to the chase. “The agent doesn’t think so. He said they would probably be trying to get as far from San Antonio as they could get. But, he also said that if necessary, I could have some sort of protection detail.”
“Good,” her mom said. “The last thing you need is to worry about being snatched off the street by those assholes.”
“Mom!” Milena exclaimed. “You never swear!”
“Yeah, well, I didn’t really have much to swear about before now.”
Milena couldn’t help it. She giggled. Her mom was kinda funny.
“This isn’t funny.”
Milena sobered. “I know it’s not. But I didn’t know anything about what was happening right under my nose. There’s no reason for Jeremiah to be mad at me. I was totally clueless.”
“You’ll take the protection if you need it, though,” her mom ordered.
“Of course I will. I’m not an idiot.”
“Good.”
Milena gave her mom a weak smile. “I have to go to the clinic this morning. See if I can grovel enough to get my full-time hours back. Get back on their insurance.”
“You’re exhausted, honey. Are you sure you can’t take today off?”
Milena tiredly shook her head. “I’m sure. I don’t think an FBI raid on my new place of employment is an acceptable reason to not be at work.”
Missy Reinhardt reached out and took the cup of coffee from Milena’s hands. “Well, go on then. Take a long shower, you’ll feel better afterwards. I’ll take JT out this afternoon so when you get back, you can take a nice long nap.”
Milena smiled. “Thanks, Mom.”
“I love you, baby. You’re one of the strongest people I know, and I’m not just saying that because I wiped your butt when you were little.”
Milena laughed and stood. “Thanks, I think.”
“All I’m saying is…this too shall pass. It sucks right now. It’s hard. But we’ll always have your back. Okay?”
All she could do was nod. If she tried to say anything, she’d burst into tears. Trudging up the stairs to her room, Milena could only be thankful things had turned out how they had. Last night could’ve been very different if Master Jeremiah had expanded her duties. If she’d known more about what was going on at the school, she might be a lot more scared right now and in a lot more trouble. So many “ifs” in her life.
Taking a deep breath, Milena tried to remember that she truly believed everything happened for a reason.
The love of her life had broken her heart, but had also given her JT.
Having a truly awful pregnancy had brought her closer to her parents.
The things she’d gone through in JT’s first year of life had led her to her new career.
She didn’t know the reason behind her being hired by Master Jeremiah, but she truly hoped it wasn’t something bad.
Maybe it was a lack of sleep, or maybe it was just residual feelings of unease from being interrogated last night, but she had a feeling something big was just around the corner. Something good-big or something bad-big, she wasn’t sure yet.
Shaking her head and deciding to just go with the flow, Milena stepped into the shower and tried to wake herself up. She had to get through a long morning shift at the clinic, then an uncomfortable talk with her boss. She needed to be on her toes, no matter how much she simply wanted to crawl back into bed and sleep.
* * *
TJ had spoken with his supervisor and managed to get a week’s vacation on short notice. Lord knew he had the time saved up. It had been a while since he’d requested to take any time off, and since his supervisor knew he’d been working a lot of overtime surveilling the “School of Horrors,” as the press had dubbed the Bexar County School and Orphanage for Girls, he’d granted the request without a quibble.
He had no doubt if Milena ended up needing full-time protection, Cruz would get in touch with his supervisor and set it up so he could be the one assigned to her. The FBI wouldn’t need to pay him overtime, he’d continue to take his regular pay to do it. It might be a lot of red tape and maybe a pain in the ass for Cruz, but TJ didn’t care. He was, hands down, the best person to protect Milena because he genuinely cared what happened to her.
Deep down, TJ knew it would take more than a week to get back into Milena’s good graces, but once he’d made the decision to try, he couldn’t put it off. Didn’t want to put it off. He’d made a mistake in not contacting her before now. He’d used excuse after excuse to justify keeping his distance from her or even looking her up to see where she was living.
But the bottom line was, he’d been an idiot. He hadn’t been with a woman since Milena. Hadn’t wanted to be with anyone else. He’d had plenty of offers, but no one made his heart race like she had.
He knew it probably wasn’t the same for her. Milena was beautiful. Not only that, she was a good person. To the core. Any man would be lucky to have her, even if it was for a short time. TJ hated the thought of her being with anyone else, but he had to be honest with himself. She was beautiful and he’d left her. She’d probably dated plenty of men since he’d disappeared.
But ultimately, it didn’t matter. As he’d decided earlier, the only way he’d back off was if she was married. He didn’t even care if she was engaged. It made him an ass, he knew that. What kind of asshole would try to interfere with an engaged couple?
Him. He would.
He’d just have to remind Milena of their good times. Prove to her he was a changed man. That the shell of a soldier she’d met back in that VA hospital was different now. He’d found his calling with the highway patrol.
There was some danger, which called to the daredevil that lived deep inside him, but he no longer had to kill on a daily basis. Even if those he’d killed deserved it.
Refusing to think about that last day—the mission that had sent him back to the States and landed him in the VA hospital in the first place—TJ took a deep breath and focused on the clinic in front of him. He’d been watching for an hour now, waiting for Milena to come out. He didn’t have a plan, which was unlike him. He always had a plan. But she’d done that to him. Made him live in the here and now rather than in the future. She made him stop and enjoy what was happening in the moment. It was one of the many things he loved and missed about her.
He needed her in his life. Needed her optimism. Needed her goodness to counter the bad shit he’d done. Hell, he just simply needed her.
Just when he didn’t think he’d be able to keep himself from barging into the clinic, she came out.
She looked tired—really tired. As he watched, she scrubbed a hand over her face and her shoulders slumped.
TJ was on the move before he’d even thought about what he was doing.
He wanted to ease her burdens. Take care of her. Make sure she was eating and getting enough sleep. It was silly, she’d always been able to take care of herself. Hell, she took care of him more than he’d ever taken care of her
, but he wanted to change that. Needed to. It was a bone-deep conviction that he wanted to be the man she turned to when she was upset, angry, sad, as well as happy.
He was striding toward her and standing in front of her before he’d figured out what he was going to say. He’d opened his mouth, but didn’t get the chance to say anything before she looked up and saw him.
For a second, she simply stared up at him.
Then turned on her heel and walked away without a word.
Startled, as that wasn’t the response he’d expected—not that he knew what her response was going to be, though he wouldn’t have been surprised if she’d smacked him—TJ strode after her.
When he caught up to her, he said the words that had been festering in his soul since the day he’d walked out. “I’m sorry, Doc. I’m so fucking sorry. I shouldn’t’ve left. I should’ve talked to you, explained what was wrong with me. I’ve missed you every fucking day since I walked out. Regretted it even more.”
She stopped abruptly, and TJ almost tripped over her, but caught himself at the last second. Milena turned, hands on her hips, glaring up at him. She was so petite, especially next to him. At six feet, he wasn’t super tall, but compared to her five foot five, he was a giant. He loved how she fit against him, as if she were made just for him.
“You’re an asshole,” she told him.
“I know,” he agreed.
His immediate acquiescence threw her, he could tell. He pressed on. “I went back to your apartment a month after I left, ready to throw myself on your mercy. To apologize. But you were gone. Poof. Without a trace. Your landlord wouldn’t tell me anything, and your neighbors were just as close-lipped.”
She looked up at him in confusion. “You came back?”
“Yeah, Doc. I never should’ve left in the first place, but I came back. And you were gone. I asked around, but no one knew where you were, or they wouldn’t say. I should’ve dug deeper, but I didn’t have time.”