by Susan Stoker
They’d then go and get JT and spend the rest of the day together. Sometimes they did errands or let JT run around a park to release his pent-up energy, but more often than not, they came back to the apartment and hung out.
TJ was getting better at changing JT’s diapers, and had yet to show any irritation at the quirks of a toddler. His previously pristine apartment had been taken over by plastic toys, diapers, and sippy cups. The huge, expensive, fancy television was now mostly used for videos and cartoons for their son instead of sports or action movies.
And not once had he complained.
In fact, Milena hadn’t ever seen TJ look so happy and content.
But her absolute favorite moments were in the middle of the night. TJ had done his best to learn how to deal with JT and his up-and-down emotions. When the toddler was happy, he was the sweetest child ever. When he was mad, he was a demon child, as was typical for most two year olds. TJ was learning when to give in and coddle him and when to stand tough.
Milena hadn’t been ready to sleep with TJ yet, even though deep down she really wanted that. She might’ve decided to do what she could to make their relationship work, but sleeping in the same bed, smelling his unique scent, knowing he was within inches of her, she just couldn’t do yet. That was the last step for her, a line that she knew, if crossed, she couldn’t come back from.
TJ hadn’t seemed upset with her decision and hadn’t pressured her in the least. Milena had the baby monitor on the table next to his huge king-size bed so she could hear if JT needed her in the middle of the night. The first night, when she’d woken up to TJ’s whispered words, she’d been confused. Then she realized she was hearing him speaking to JT through the baby monitor.
She’d cried as she’d listened to him talking to his son. He spoke of his love for the toddler, of how he’d be by his side as he grew up. How he’d teach him to throw a football, and be protective and gentlemanly to women, and he’d be there if JT needed a sounding board about girls.
But it was his whispered, one-sided conversations about her that reached straight to her heart and practically ripped it out of her chest.
Your mom is the strongest person I know, and she loves you so much. You are the luckiest little boy in the whole world to have a mommy like Milena. No matter where you go or what you say to her, she will always love you. She has a huge heart and is the most forgiving person I’ve ever met. Even when you do stupid shit that you know is wrong, she’ll still forgive you.
It was as if TJ was speaking right to her, but she knew he wasn’t. Knew he thought she was still sleeping soundly in his bed.
I’ll teach you to cherish her. To never back-talk. To always tell her how much you love her when you leave the house and to thank her for all she does. I’ll show you with my actions how to treat a woman right, and give you a role model for when you grow up and are searching for someone of your own. I’ll make sure you know the right way to disagree, and the joys of making up afterward. I promise you’ll know nothing but love from your parents. I might not have been there when you were born, but I’ll damn sure be here from here on out.
Another night, Milena tiptoed out of the master bedroom to JT’s room and peeked in. TJ was sitting in the chair she’d spent many a restless night in with JT. He was holding their son against his chest and slowly rocking back and forth as he talked to him.
JT was fast asleep, his thumb in his mouth, but that didn’t stop TJ from telling him all about how wonderful his life was and how he’d do his best to make sure it was always wonderful, no matter what obstacles might be thrown in his path.
Milena had backed away, overcome with emotion. This was what she’d dreamed about when she’d thought about having a family. A father who loved and cared as much about their children as she did. A man who was hands-on, who wouldn’t expect her to do everything in regards to the kids. Her own parents had been such a wonderful example, she hadn’t ever wanted to compromise.
But TJ had given her no choice. He’d left when she’d needed him the most. And that had hurt. But he was here now. Doing his best to make up for the time he’d missed.
After a week, Milena knew she had to put a stop to TJ’s late-night visits with his son. As much as they made her heart melt, it wasn’t good for either man or boy. They both needed to get back into a routine. TJ of sleeping through the night, and JT not being coddled and rocked to sleep when he woke up.
They’d eaten dinner, and had settled on the couch to watch the news and relax before heading to bed when Milena brought it up.
“I appreciate you getting up and taking care of JT in the middle of the night, but you can’t do that every night.”
“Why?”
“Because. You’re spoiling him.”
“So?”
Milena sighed and turned to face TJ. “Do you want to raise a boy who can’t sleep unless he’s rocked? It’s cute right now, but when he’s four, five, eight…it won’t be so cute anymore. He won’t be able to go to sleepovers because he needs his daddy. He’ll end up being addicted to video games and afraid of girls. He’ll be living with us when he’s in his thirties. He’ll probably be a serial killer who kidnaps women and forces them to rock him to sleep before killing them because they didn’t warm his bottle of milk to the right temperature.”
TJ blinked, then threw his head back and laughed.
Milena couldn’t stop staring at him.
After he’d controlled himself, he saw the way she was looking at him and asked, “What?”
“I’ve never seen you laugh like that before.”
“Yes you have,” he countered.
Milena shook her head. “No, I haven’t. When we were together before, you never laughed. Maybe chuckled, but you never let yourself go like that.”
At her explanation, TJ sobered. He took a deep breath and looked away from her. “I don’t think JT will grow up to be a serial killer, and I’m pretty sure he’ll be a hit with the ladies, but your point is well taken. I just…I missed so much time with him, and feel as if I don’t get my cuddles in now, I’ll miss out on them altogether. Like you said, before we know it, he’ll be a teenager and won’t want his old man loving on him.”
“Maybe just love on him before he goes to bed then.”
“Okay, I can do that.” TJ looked at Milena. “I still don’t sleep well.”
“What?”
“I can count on one hand the number of nights in the last three years I’ve slept all the way through.”
Goosebumps broke out on Milena’s arms. She’d never seen TJ this serious. It was a night for firsts. “Why?”
She didn’t think he was going to answer. Several minutes went by as TJ collected his thoughts. Then he did something else she’d never seen him do before. He bent his knees and put his feet on the cushion at his ass. He wrapped his arms around his up-drawn knees in a defensive position. She’d never seen him so vulnerable. So unsure.
“It’s a long story. One that started before we met,” he said softly, resting his chin on one of his knees.
Milena wanted so badly to go to him. To wrap her arms around him, much as she did with JT when he was upset. But she sat as still as a statue, not wanting to interrupt. Not wanting to do anything that would stop him from explaining, finally, what had put him in the VA hospital. What had happened on his fateful last mission.
“I joined the Army right out of high school. I wasn’t ready for college and the Army seemed like the natural choice. My parents were awesome about it.”
“You don’t talk much about your family.”
TJ shrugged. “They’re alive and well. Mom and Dad live in Montana. They love the open spaces. I can’t deny it’s beautiful up there. I love them, but I’m not close to them like you are with your folks. They’re supportive of me, and every now and then we’ll talk on the phone, but I guess they’re a lot like me…not very touchy-feely.”
Milena nodded. She could see that. TJ wasn’t the most demonstrative man when it came to outwa
rd displays of affection, but that made the little things he did all the more precious. Hand holding, his palm on the small of her back, the way he always greeted her by pulling her into him with a hand on the back of her neck…yeah, she definitely loved the little things. She was sad for TJ, however, that he didn’t have a closer relationship with his parents, but she understood. He’d been away from Montana for a long time. “Any siblings?”
“Nope. Guess we have that in common.”
Milena nodded. “So you joined the Army right out of high school…” she prompted.
“Yeah. I was surprised to find that I really enjoyed it. I liked the camaraderie with the men in my unit. I excelled on the shooting range and after sitting through a recruitment session for Delta Force, decided to try out.
“It was one of the toughest things I’d ever done, and the only reason I made it through was because of the men who were going through it with me. We helped each other, held each other up when we had to, and talked smack until we graduated. I worked with those men for several years on my Delta Force team. We became closer than brothers. I was the sniper for our group. I was responsible for having their backs from afar.”
He took a breath and held it for a few seconds before letting it out and continuing. “One day, my unit was tasked with manning a checkpoint. Not something we usually did, but the powers that be were running low on manpower because of a convoy that had headed out earlier in the day. My captain volunteered the team. I was on a roof a mile away, watching the vehicles and people that came in and out of the checkpoint.
“It was hot. Really hot, and I was baking on that rooftop in the sun. It wasn’t anything I hadn’t experienced before, but for some reason, that day it was super irritating. Sweat kept dripping into my eyes, which for a sniper, isn’t exactly ideal. I heard something behind me and when I turned to look, I saw a little boy. Probably around five. He was holding a canteen, and when he saw me looking at him, he offered it to me.
“I knew better, but I gestured him closer and took the water. I’d seen the boy around before, in the village near the base. He was cute. Had dark hair and big brown eyes. He loved to play football—soccer to you and me—and was always waving at the soldiers. I gratefully took a large gulp of the water. I’d swallowed before I realized something was wrong. The little boy was shaking so hard, I could easily see it when he got closer to me. He began to speak. I could only understand a small bit of Arabic, but his words weren’t necessary when he pulled up his T-shirt.”
Milena’s heart was breaking for TJ. She had a feeling she knew what was coming, and she wanted to put her hands over her ears and yell at him to stop, but she did neither, just waited for him to get through what he needed to say so she could comfort him.
“He was wearing a belt filled with explosives. I just stared at him for a minute, not truly understanding what was happening. He said he was sorry—then blew himself up.
“I was thrown backwards right off the roof. That’s how I got the back injury I was in the VA hospital with. I didn’t lose consciousness though. I saw that kid’s body parts flying through the air, mixed in with the debris from the building I’d been on top of moments before.
“Then I heard the explosions from the direction of the checkpoint. The fucking terrorists knew I was on the roof. They knew I’d kill anyone who looked suspicious before they could get close enough to take out my team. So they sent a kid, an innocent little kid, to do their dirty work for them.”
TJ turned to look at Milena then, his eyes so full of self-loathing it made her own eyes fill with tears.
“I killed them, Milena. Every single man on my team was wiped off the face of the earth because of my inattention.”
She couldn’t stand it any longer. Moving slowly so she wouldn’t spook him, Milena crawled across the couch until she was right next to him. She shoved one arm behind his back and the other she pressed between his up-drawn knees and belly. He didn’t move from his defensive position, but she hugged him anyway. Laying her head on his shoulder, she squeezed him as hard as she could.
“Tell me about them,” she said softly.
TJ cleared his throat, and after a long pause, spoke. “Lurch was the goofiest guy. He was tall, around six-six, and he had these long arms that we all swore touched the ground when he walked, hence his name. But he’d give the shirt off his back if someone needed it. Rey was an asshole most of the time, thought he was the fucking king of the world, but he was amazing in the field. He always had these ‘feelings.’ If something was off, he knew it way ahead of time. Saved our asses more than once for sure. I’ve always wondered if he knew something was going to happen that day.
“Mouse was the smallest of the group, but he was super deadly with his knife. He could throw that thing and hit a bug at twenty meters. Bud had a bad habit of smoking weed whenever he went on leave, and he loved his wife and kids so much. All he could talk about was how fast his girls were growing and how much he missed them.”
Milena squeezed TJ harder when his voice hitched, but he didn’t stop.
“Knight loved to play chess, and always won, no matter who he played. Fritz was our language expert. He knew at least ten different languages, and was trying to learn Noongar, some aboriginal language only about two hundred people still speak in Australia. Crazy motherfucker. And then there was Rooney. He didn’t say a lot, but when he did, it was always philosophical.”
TJ dropped his legs suddenly, scaring Milena, but he didn’t pull away. He wrapped his arms around her and buried his face in her hair. “I miss them, Doc. And I’ll never forgive myself for getting them killed.”
“How did they die?” Milena was trying to wrap her mind around how TJ thought he’d killed his team.
“From what I was told when I was in the hospital in Germany, it was a coordinated attack. The explosion in the village was their signal. Several men attacked at once. Including a fucker with a truck full of explosives.”
She thought about that for a second, then asked. “So, what could you have done to prevent it?”
“What?”
“You said it yourself, it was an ambush…so what could you have done to prevent it?”
“I might not have prevented it, but I would’ve shot as many of those fuckers as I could.”
“All of them?”
TJ growled, but he didn’t lift his head. Milena pushed. “Because it seems to me if they had a truck filled with explosives, there wouldn’t have been much you could’ve done about that. Yeah, you might’ve shot the driver, but wouldn’t the truck still have crashed into the checkpoint? And what about the other men? You couldn’t kill everyone who was attacking at the same time, right?”
“I could’ve killed most of them.”
Milena squeezed him. “Most of them, maybe. But not all.”
“Enough to give the guys some time to get to cover.”
“TJ, I wasn’t there. I’ve never had to shoot someone. Never had a group of people I’ve been as close to as you obviously were to your friends. But what if the situation was reversed? What if the ambush didn’t happen, and you were killed on that roof? Would you want your friends to feel guilty that they hadn’t been there to protect you? Would they be upset that you were by yourself instead of one of them being by your side?”
“It’s not the same thing.”
“Of course it is,” she scolded lightly. “I’m not a psychiatrist, but I spent a lot of time with veterans at that hospital. I know survivor’s guilt when I hear it. The bottom line is, maybe you made a mistake, but you didn’t force that boy to distract you. You didn’t make him blow the building up; he would’ve done it if you’d allowed yourself to be distracted or not. And you certainly didn’t have anything to do with those men ambushing the checkpoint. They would’ve done it no matter who was there. It sucks, and I hate that it had to happen to you and your friends. But you didn’t kill them. Those asshole terrorists did. Not. You.”
She had no idea if she was getting through to him or not
, but she couldn’t shut up. Not about this.
“This doesn’t compare to what you went through, not in the least, but after I had JT and he wouldn’t stop crying, I got really depressed. I kept thinking, why me? What had I done to deserve this? To deserve a baby who wouldn’t stop screaming. My mom forced me to talk to a counselor who specializes in dealing with parents with colicky babies. The first thing she said was, ‘This is not your fault. He doesn’t have colic because of anything you did or didn’t do. It just is.’ Her words stuck with me. They made things easier to deal with, knowing the drink I’d had before I knew I was pregnant didn’t cause him to have colic. That all the stress I was under and the crying I did after you left hadn’t injured him somehow. There are a hundred different things that you might’ve done differently that day, but the outcome might still have been the same. And if the terrorists hadn’t succeeded then, they would’ve just tried again. Maybe killed more men. More children.”
Milena took a deep breath and hurried on, bolstered by the fact he hadn’t interrupted her.
“I’m sorry that happened to you. I’m sorry you got hurt, and I’m sorry that you lost your friends, and their families lost their brothers, husbands, and sons. But look at where you are today. You’re a respected highway patrolman. You’re a father. You have a loyal and amazing group of friends who sound exactly like your Delta Force team…they’d do anything for you. There’s good and bad in everyone’s life, TJ. Sometimes you just have to concentrate on the good and let the bad go.”
He didn’t respond, but he didn’t pull out of her arms and storm away, as he would’ve three years ago.
Instead he shifted, pulling her with him until they were both lying on the couch. Milena was tucked against his side with the cushions behind her. She felt cocooned and protected in his embrace. And she was well aware that he’d probably done it unconsciously, put himself between the room and her.
She told him something she’d been thinking, but hadn’t verbalized until now. “Thank you for telling me what happened, TJ. But you should know, it hasn’t changed my feelings toward you in any way, shape, or form. I might have been mad at you for leaving. I might have been confused about why you left so abruptly. But from the moment I realized it was you who had pounded on that window when Cruz was interrogating me about the school, I trusted you.”