I’d lost part of my leg. My toes. My foot. I’d never walk again, unless under the steam of a prosthetic. Shit. How do I deal with that?
A doctor entered. He too appeared of European descent. Confusion made me ask, “Where am I?”
“You were flown to Germany overnight. You’re in Landstuhl Regional Medical Center.”
My head swam. “Germany?” I knew soldiers were brought here for surgery, but to not be aware of the flight and to wake up in another country was very alarming.
“How long will I be here?”
“Until you’ve stabilized. Then a military officer will fly you home.”
Home. It would forever be altered. I’d forever be altered.
“I’ll be back in a little while to check on you. How are your pain levels?”
“I can’t feel anything below the waist.” Why couldn’t I feel my right leg? Thank fuck my left leg had taken the explosion.
“That’s a good thing. You’re numb from surgery. The anesthetic and epidural will wear off in a little while.”
Epidural? I thought only women in labor received those.
Closing my eyes to my new reality, I let the doctor and nurse pad out. I couldn’t even turn over because of the numbness, so I lay on my back, staring at the ceiling, trying to let everything sink in and settle.
As I tried to do this, a vision of a stunning redhead swamped me. Striking eyes.
Body made for sin. A fire in her soul rivaling Hades. For a moment, I let the memory of her draw me in before reality kicked in.
I’d never be able to give her what she needed now. The one woman I could see myself falling for could never love me. I couldn’t bear to see the pity in those glorious eyes. The sadness. She didn’t deserve to be encumbered with a lesser man. She deserved a partner who could give her the world, not just pieces.
I fought the onset of tears. I’d only ever cried at my parents’ funerals. Funny now, how knowing I’d never have Red the way I wanted her, felt like the same loss all over again.
I always assumed war would take my life. I’d die doing what I loved. I never imagined it would dangle death in front of me and torment me into wishing I no longer breathed. No longer having to go through the motions of being half a person. To leave me questioning my existence.
Loneliness stabbed me all over, twisting my organs this way and that. Never before had the world seemed like it was about to swallow me whole.
Chapter Twenty-One
Char
Mac and I had attempted to talk Dec out of his hair-brained idea of traveling to Germany, but he wouldn’t have any of it. In the end, I’d agreed to go with him for company as Mac had used all her work leave and I still had four weeks up my sleeve. After much deliberation, it had been settled. Work had been notified and here I currently sat, in the International Departure lounge at Detroit Metropolitan Airport waiting for our fifteen-hour flight to be called. We’d have two stops along the way. I hoped to sleep for some of it because I hadn’t done much since hearing of Viper’s accident.
Dec sat beside me on the hard chairs, his foot jerking up and down nervously.
“You worried about what you’ll find when we get there?” I asked.
Staying focused on the screen of his cell, he sighed. “Sure, but regardless, I’m not going to let on to Viper. He needs my full support. I’m trying to mentally prepare myself.”
A female voice announced a different flight, so I waited to respond. “At least I’m practiced in the art of remaining stony-faced,” I joked, but he didn’t laugh. I couldn’t blame him. As much as he would never admit it, I knew he agonized over his friend. The hows and whys of it all. The what ifs. Viper was lucky to have Dec, and vice-versa. I’d never met two grown men who were so loyal. They truly were family in every sense of the word, except blood. They had a lifelong bond forged through battle and it could never be broken.
We waited another half hour before our flight was called, fifteen minutes late.
Finding our seats toward the back of the plane, I was grateful Dec offered me the window seat. Such a long flight called for some sort of view into the outside world. The longest I’d ever flown had been years earlier to Los Angeles to visit my cousin.
We got settled, and before long we were cruising at thirty-two thousand feet. I asked the one question plaguing me. “Do you think he’ll be pleased to see us?”
“I hope so. I’m the only family he has. It’s gotta be lonely for him without a support network.”
Would he be happy to see me though? It’s not like he’d left on bad terms, but would he want me seeing him in whatever state he was in?
“How long do you think they’ll keep him in Germany?” I asked, wondering if he’d even still be there when we arrived.
“Depends on the extent of his injuries. A week, maybe.”
Let’s hope that information proved correct or the entire trip would be a waste of time and money.
We’d paid way more than we should for the tickets because we needed to fly urgently, but I guess that’s a small price for getting to Viper.
I recalled the hot night we’d shared. For a few hours, I’d felt connected to him. I felt like he actually cared. Maybe sex would be the extent of his ability to show affection to a woman. Maybe he carried too many demons inside to give himself over to another totally. But what about the woman he’d been engaged to? Surely she’d had his complete heart, otherwise, why commit yourself to a lifetime with someone?
My thoughts were interrupted by a steward offering drinks. Dec accepted a beer and I opted for a can of Coke. Alcohol wasn’t on my agenda at the moment. I couldn’t think of anything other than getting to Viper and making sure he would be okay.
The flight became tedious. I slept on and off, as did Dec, in between watching movies.
We didn’t share conversation much, other than necessary small talk, which suited me fine. I was all in my own head and didn’t have it in me to carry on with idle chatter. Glad that Dec felt the same, I closed my eyes and willed the flight to be over.
***
When we finally touched down on German soil, I felt disoriented and fatigued. We were in a different time zone and a country which spoke another language.
After collecting our bags, we made our way to a cab so we could travel the thirty minutes to Landstuhl, where the military hospital was located.
Dec had booked accommodation there so we would be close to Viper.
Luckily the cab driver spoke some English, so we were able to communicate with him about our destination.
My nerves ratcheted up a notch, leaving me with a sour taste in my mouth and swirling nausea in my gut. Dec had more sleep than me, but still, he appeared as if he’d had none. The stress of why we’d traveled to Germany began to really hit home.
What would we find? Would Viper be so disfigured we wouldn’t recognize him? Had his handsome face been marred? With each mile closer, I felt like I wanted to throw up.
Dec’s whole body fidgeted. I don’t even think he realized he did it.
“How much further?” he asked the driver.
“About another ten miles,” he replied in broken English.
God. It felt like we’d been traveling for days.
Dec had called Mac to let her know we’d arrived safely and that we’d update her when we found out Viper’s condition.
I desperately needed a hot shower. None of this seemed real. I felt out of my body, looking in from afar. I stared out the window but saw nothing.
“How you holding up?” Dec broke through my mundane staring.
“Nervous. You?”
“Glad to be getting closer. I just want to see him.”
I did, but I didn’t. I needed to see with my own eyes that he was alive, but on the other side of the coin, I wasn’t ready for the sight awaiting me. Was I overreacting? Were his injuries going to be less than what I pictured? I didn’t normally anticipate the worst, but for some reason, the idea of surviving a landmine had my brain c
onjuring up some macabre images I couldn’t shake.
“Char?”
“Hmm?”
“I’m glad you’re here.” He squeezed my arm and attempted a smile, but it twisted at one side.
“Me too.”
We booked into our less than stellar hotel and each took a shower and got cleaned up before heading out again. We were both eager to see Viper for our own reasons and couldn’t delay it any longer.
It was morning in Germany, so visiting hours would be open. I’d changed into some casual jeans with a long-sleeved top and a leather jacket. The temperature was cool and the skies remained overcast.
The military hospital looked unassuming. A two-story concrete structure spread out with a large sign reading Landstuhl Regional Medical Center. Another sign read ‘Emergency Room.’ The cab driver dropped us outside the Emergency Department.
Staff in military uniforms entered and exited the premises.
“We need to find the regular entrance. A & E will just send us there anyway.”
Agreeing that Viper would have been transferred to a ward by now, we walked under a large canopy and into the organized chaos.
Spotting the main reception area, we approached a nurse. “Excuse me?”
“Yes. How can I help?”
“We’re here to see Charlie O’Dowell. He’s been here a few days.”
She eyed us both. “Are you family?”
Glancing my way, and then back to the woman, Dec spoke. “He doesn’t have a family. I’m all he has. I’ve flown all the way from the States to see him.”
I couldn’t begin to imagine how Dec would respond if we were turned away.
The middle-aged nurse turned to her computer and typed in some things before regarding Declan.
“Room sixty-three. Follow the hallway, turn right, and you’ll see signs with room numbers for different wings of the center.”
Nodding, Dec grabbed my arm and pulled me away, not waiting another second.
The hospital bustled with medical staff and military personnel. The familiar smell of disinfectant washed over me and I almost felt at home as we followed the long corridor before turning as the nurse instructed. Finding numbers 25–65, we kept up our hurried pace until room 63 appeared. Dec still had a hold of my arm. I don’t think he realized he still held it. I could tell every muscle in him had tightened. I steeled myself for what awaited us beyond that door. We still didn’t know the extent of Viper’s injuries and had to be ready for the worst.
I attempted to go into nurse mode, but it was hard knowing the victim.
“Are you ready?” I quietly asked Dec.
His breath had deepened as he eyed me, glancing down to where he held me. He let go, cracking his neck.
“Ready as I’ll ever be.”
Pushing open the door, I nearly stumbled when I caught sight of Viper.
Chapter Twenty-Two
Viper
I’d dozed on and off, frustrated at not being able to move. Supposedly I was getting out of bed at some stage today. That would be fun. I didn’t want some damn wheelchair. I wanted crutches. The idea of being in a wheelchair turned my stomach. I didn’t want to be some pitiful charity case getting stared at while trying to push my way through crowds or unable to enter restaurants and buildings that didn’t cater to disabled people.
My room door opened, stealing my thoughts and my breath. I had to be dreaming. It couldn’t be.
Two people a world away from mine right now ambled into my room as if I wasn’t lying in a Goddamn hospital bed with half my leg blown away. What the—?
My face must have shown shock because Dec proceeded to grin like an asshole while I gave him only a couple of seconds of my time before focusing on a pair of stunning green eyes. Eyes I’d been dreaming of. Eyes I’d been beating myself up over because they’d never see me the same again.
She smiled. It seemed genuine enough, but still, I couldn’t bring myself to close my gaping mouth to speak.
“Hey, shit for brains. If you wanted to get out of your mission, you could have done it differently.”
Hearing his voice choked me up. I looked back at him. My brother. The only person I had in this lonely world. He’d flown halfway around the globe to be here for me. He never let me down. His loyalty was unwavering.
When he neared, I nearly lost my shit, unable to swallow past the emotion lodged in my chest and throat.
He held out his hand and I stared at it for a moment as if it wasn’t really there. This wasn’t really happening.
“You gonna ignore me or what?” he badgered, still with that damn grin spreading his cheeks.
Lifting my arm, I gripped his hand like a lifeline. I squeezed. He squeezed harder. Before I knew it, he’d leaned down and was giving me the closest thing to a hug he could while I remained lying down.
“I love you, man.” He said it so only I could hear and a tear escaped my left eye. One solo drip cascading down my cheek. A strange noise left me as I nodded, attempting to pull myself together.
I didn’t do emotional bullshit with Dec. We laughed and badgered each other but this…this was foreign. I didn’t know how to respond.
The room remained silent until I heard the shuffling of delicate feet.
Dec stood and we both watched Char ease closer.
I hadn’t said a word to her. She chewed the inside of her mouth nervously. A sense of déjà vu hit me.
Not too long ago, I’d been in Dec’s position while he lay in a hospital bed. Mac had visited him, and due to his PTSD, he’d turned her away, unable to cope with seeing her. I’d called him out for being a dick and here I lay, wanting to do the same thing. I knew exactly how he felt. He’d wanted her gone to protect her. From him.
I wanted more than anything to tell her to go. To get as far away from me as possible. To move on. The only problem was that while staring her down and seeing her compassionate expression, I couldn’t do it. Not now, anyway. She’d come so far with Dec. It would be an asshole thing to do.
Instead, I offered her a, “Hi.”
Her cheek popped out as her teeth stopped chewing it and she walked to stand beside Dec.
“Hi. You look…good.”
Good? Right. Who was she kidding? I knew I had marks on my face from shrapnel. If she looked underneath my bedding, she’d know I was far from fine. How much had they been told? Did they know the extent of my injuries?
“Don’t lie, Red. I look like shit. You don’t have to be nice.”
“Nah, man, it’s true. We didn’t know what to expect. Couldn’t get info from anyone. They said your leg took a lot of the blast. Better that than your face disfigured, right? Once your leg heals, you’ll be good as new.”
Shit. They didn’t have a clue.
Before I could answer, the door opened again and a nurse with a trolley strolled in.
“Oh good, you’re awake.” She glanced at my visitors. “I’m here to change your dressing. If your visitors are squeamish, I advise them to wait outside.”
Keeping my eyes focused on my friends, I watched them exchange a glance. Probably silently exchanging the nurse’s words to each other.
“I’m a nurse.” Char smiled. “There’s nothing I can’t handle.”
Dec nodded with her. They weren’t leaving.
They also didn’t know just what they were about to witness as the nurse moved to the side of my bed and proceeded to pull down the blankets.
I wanted to look away. I didn’t want to see their reactions, but it was like watching a horror movie. I just had to keep watching regardless.
Two sets of eyes widened at the sight of half my leg missing. Red let out a gasp as she grabbed her throat. Dec tightened and let loose a curse.
I felt vulnerable. Exposed.
The nurse gave them one last chance. “You sure you want to stay for this?”
Donning a pair of gloves, she took pause, garnering their response.
Red’s head pivoted up to mine. And there it was. The pity
I so desperately didn’t want. She couldn’t hide it no matter how brave she tried to be. I witnessed other emotions flit across her face too, and I knew at that moment everything had changed for us. Between us. The weight of my injury became a heavy burden. I could almost see her mind ticking over as a million thoughts took hold in her brain. Her bottom lip quivered. I didn’t want her tears any more than I wanted her pity. It all happened in a couple of seconds. She shook her head, glancing away from me. “I’m staying.”
“Me too,” said Dec.
I knew they were only trying to be strong for me. After they left, they’d probably fall apart and voice their true feelings.
Like the good soldier he was, Dec stepped forward, schooling his features again. He placed a hand on my shoulder. “We’re in this together. I got you. I’m here as long as you need.”
He knew me well. He knew not to utter the words, “I’m so sorry.” No matter how much he wanted to say them. For that I was grateful. Red, however, stood stock still, not quite knowing how to act. She fervently watched the nurse changing the dressing, her eyes darting to mine every so often.
“Thanks, man.” The lump I’d had lodged in my throat from earlier released and a world of pent-up sensations exploded in my chest. No amount of trying to tamp it down could stop it from erupting. A sob escaped, flaying me open further than I already was. With my raw wound bared to the two people who meant more to me than anyone else, they could see the true me. The me I didn’t let anyone else see. My eyes clouded over from tears and my face screwed up in anguish.
The deep, racking howls caught everyone by surprise, even me.
The nurse gave me her attention. “Can I get you anything?” She was almost finished and I just wanted her gone.
“No,” I spluttered out, wiping my eyes with the back of my hand. Dec’s hand squeezed my shoulder but he remained quiet, letting me grieve.
True Beginnings (The Lost and Found Series Book 3) Page 14