I didn’t need words. I needed my fucking leg back. My life. The only life I knew.
Losing a part of you, no matter how big or small, brought with it a certain amount of grief. I’d never have that part of me back. Ever.
The nurse graciously left, leaving tension in her wake. I stared out the window at nothing in particular, leaving my friends to deal with my meltdown themselves.
My sobbing eased and only emptiness remained.
My body and soul were tired. I didn’t think I could live with my disability. To change my whole way of existing. Why hadn’t the bomb taken me completely?
“Viper?”
My head turned, but I didn’t utter a sound. Dec hovered over me. “Hey. It’s going to be okay.”
I couldn’t believe he, of all people, actually said those words. Nothing would be okay.
Shaking my head, I stared through him. “No. It’s not. How can you say that?”
My voice was flat. My chest hollow.
Char stepped forward. “I can get you the best care. When you’re ready, we can put you in touch with a prosthetic specialist. It’s incredible the advancements they’ve made.”
Her words stunned me. “You think I’m going to get a metal replacement?”
Her mouth opened and closed a couple of times and her brow drew together. “Well, not right away but, I thought…”
“Yeah, well, don’t think, Red. You don’t know me or what I’ll do.”
Sadness fell like a shadow across her pretty features, and some sick part of me rejoiced in hurting her. People were quick to assume. Jesus. I still lay in the hospital and hadn’t even come to grips with my loss, let alone planning new parts for my body. I didn’t want to look like a freaking robot!
“I’ll just wait outside,” she whispered before shuffling out.
Dec grabbed a chair and pulled it over, sitting close.
“It sucks to be you, man. I’m not gonna lie. I didn’t know what to expect when I walked in here. When I saw you only slightly banged up on your face, I figured maybe they’d exaggerated your injuries.” He sighed heavily.
Turning my head to him, I ground out. “I can’t do it.”
“What? The whole prosthetic leg thing? Hey, you know Char was trying to help. She’s a nurse. She’s dealt with this sort of thing before.”
And he figured that’s what I was talking about? Char?
“No. Not that. I can’t live as a cripple. A burden on the military. A burden on you. Char. Myself.”
And that was the crux of it, wasn’t it? I’d left myself down. Failed at the only thing I excelled at. I’d let my team down. There was nothing left for me.
Dec stood, coiled and in fight or flight mode. I’d seen it so often. I knew what was coming. He paced, rubbing the back of his neck. “You listen to me, you son of a bitch!” His voice came out loud. Realizing it and looking to the door as if expecting a nurse to come barreling in, he quieted down. “Don’t give me any of this ‘poor me’ bullshit. It’s not you. You’re better than that. You’re a soldier of war for the United States of America, for Christ’s sake! You’ve protected your country. You’ve damn well protected me! That’s more than most people on this planet can say. Now you might see this as the end, but fuck it, man. This is only the beginning. You’re not a quitter. You have never been, and I’m going to make sure you don’t start now. Ever. You hear me?”
He looked fierce in his deliverance of the very harsh truth. The fire in his eyes had ignited into a strong arsenal of power.
He strode to the bed, pissed as hell. “Who was it who stood by me when I didn’t want to go on? Who got me through days so bad, I wanted to put a bullet through my skull? Hmm? Who was that? You think you get to lie there and make out like you got nothing to live for?”
Shaking his head, he walked to the window. “I guess I don’t know you at all, my friend. I thought you had more fight than that. Guess I was wrong.”
How dare he stand there and tell me that shit! His situation months ago was different than mine. He hadn’t been blown the fuck apart. He had no right to get angry.
“Fuck you!” I spat, wishing I could punch something. My own temper spiked at my friend’s admonishment. I thought I had his full support. Always. No matter what. Obviously not.
“You think I want the stares? The snickers? People talking behind my back? Not being able to look in the mirror without being reminded every single day of what I lost? You don’t know anything!” I roared, and within seconds a doctor burst through the door, alarm on his face.
“Everything okay in here?”
“Everything’s just dandy.” I glowered at Dec.
“I was just leaving,” he grumbled, returning my scowl. He stomped to the door and didn’t look back as he left.
Now I really did feel sorry for myself. I’d pissed off the one person who swore he would have my back until the day he died. I truly was alone. And it had all happened in the space of a few minutes.
Chapter Twenty-Three
Char
“He’s not doing too well, is he?” Silly question. Who wouldn’t be after going through something so traumatic. Still, I worried if he’d ever get over it.
We sat in the back of the cab, heading for the hotel. He pondered my question and then sighed. “Normally, I’d say ‘yeah, he’s fine. Just pissed. He’ll get over it, but this is different. Something in his eyes has changed. The fighting spirit he’s always had. I couldn’t see it. It’s like it had been snuffed out. That’s what concerns me more than anything.”
My stomach rolled. For Viper’s best friend to come to such a conclusion proved extremely serious. For once I hadn’t taken the sting of his words to me too seriously. As much as his rebuttal hurt, it was to be expected. It was part of the process. I’d seen it before.
“So what now? Will you stay until he gets sent home?”
“I have to. I’m all he has. I want to be with him on his journey home. As angry as I am at his attitude right now, I won’t leave him.”
God. Loyal to the death. It touched me deeply. “He’s so lucky to have you. I mean it. So is Mac.”
I smiled as he glanced at me with a hint of a smirk. His jaw ticked.
“You jealous, Red?”
He’d never called me that before and somehow it didn’t have the same kick as when Viper called me it. Barking out a laugh, I coughed. “Red, huh? Since when do you call me that?”
Shrugging, he chuckled. “I kinda like it.” He held my focus. Perusing. Searching. “You’re good for him, you know. He knows it. Mac and I know it. You just need to be patient.”
Balking at his statement, I shook my head. “We’ve only just arrived at a place where we don’t hate each other. And now this. I feel like we’re back to square one. I don’t know if he wants my help.”
“Sure he does. His mind is just fucked right now. The one thing he’s passionate about has been taken away. He’s grieving. I can’t imagine what he’s going through. But don’t give up on him. I’ve seen changes in him since you’ve uh, got under his skin…”
He full-on smiled now, looking at me and then out the window. The cab slowed down as we neared the hotel.
Punching him in the arm, I sang, “What’s that supposed to mean?”
Too late. The cab had stopped and Dec was handing the driver some foreign money. Before I could punch him again, he was out the door, laughing as I swiped at the air where he’d been sitting.
After all the tension of the past hour, it felt good to laugh, although I knew it would be short-lived. I almost felt guilty at my change in mood while Viper lay in pieces and Mac stressed about the situation back home.
My cell pinged as I followed Dec inside. It showed a text from Mac. Waiting until we were in our separate rooms, I flung myself on the bed and read it.
Hey girl,
Just wanted to send my love. Hope Viper is doing okay. Let me know how things are going. Love you, Mac. XX
Hitting reply, I began to type.
Much love. Char. XX
A quick response came with a love heart. What more could be said? She needed to process his injury too. I didn’t want to say too much. Dec needed to fill her in on the details, which hopefully he’d get more of tomorrow. We’d left in a hurry and hadn’t been able to speak to anyone regarding Viper’s release.
How much leverage would my nursing status give us? Probably not much in a foreign country.
My mind drifted back to the broken soldier whose life flashed before his eyes and the rug pulled from under him. How would I react in the same situation?
I’d be happy to be alive, for a start. Losing half a leg didn’t mean the end. He could do other things with his life. A prosthetic would mean better mobility. Not having to rely on crutches or a wheelchair. He had to see that. Was it up to me to show him? Perhaps. But ultimately, Viper would need to make his own choices about his recovery. A horse could be led to water but you couldn’t make it drink.
My assault seemed like a dream now as I processed Viper’s situation. As horrible as mine had been at the time and how it affected me, that took a backseat now. I had something far more serious to focus on. It seemed like a good thing, as bad as the whole scenario was. I pondered how Viper would gather his life back.
Other wounded soldiers recovered and took on different roles. If not in the military, then in different fields. Perhaps Dec and he could team up and do something.
I’d need to wait until he returned home to mention it again. His fragility right now could push him over the edge.
I wanted to visit again before I flew out, regardless as to whether he pushed me away. He needed to know I wasn’t going anywhere.
I must have dozed because I awoke to a knocking at my door. A little dazed, I rose and checked the peephole.
Dec.
Checking my watch, I noted the time as six p.m. I must have slept fitfully.
Opening the door, and with his change of clothing, he ambled in. “You up for some dinner? I thought we could grab something out. Might as well see some of the town while we’re here.”
“Uh, I guess. Just let me get some other clothes on.”
“You look fine. It won’t be anywhere flash.”
“Oh. Okay. Well then, I’ll grab my shoes and we can go.”
***
“Did you get a message from Mac?” I asked, after swallowing a mouthful of braised pork hock. Dec had ordered bratwurst with potato mash.
“I called her. She was at work on her break, luckily. She’s pretty upset and concerned, but is remaining positive.”
I could read his facial expressions. When he spoke of his love, his eyes gleamed. “You miss her already.”
“Like crazy. I hate leaving her. When I thought I’d never see her again, it destroyed me.”
“Like I said earlier, she’s lucky. And no, I’m not jealous. I love Mac to bits. She deserves someone who adores her like you do.”
“You wish you had the same thing.”
“I didn’t say that.”
“You didn’t need to. I can see it in your expressions.”
“I’ve never wanted the whole long-term relationship thing, you know? I was always happy dating different guys. But after seeing what you have with my best friend, well, it’s sickening, but also every girl’s dream.”
“It hasn’t been easy. I was a dick for a while until I realized pushing her away wasn’t the answer. I needed her too much. Viper and I are similar. He’ll realize how much he cares for you too.”
He kept saying it, but what if he didn’t know his friend now that something life-changing had happened? And why was I stressing so much about it? We’d slept together. We hadn’t committed to each other. I’d done casual so many times before and not worried about it.
The idea of not having Viper in my life sent razor-sharp stabs of pain into my chest.
Dec’s phone pealed out and I couldn’t help wondering if it was Mac.
With a frown between his eyebrows, he commanded, “Hello?” Silence. “Yep. Okay. I’ll be there soon. I’m finishing dinner.”
Placing the cell back in his jeans pocket, he must have sensed me watching him.
“The hospital said Viper’s asking for me.”
My eyes widened. “What do you suppose it’s about?”
“Not sure, but I’ll head on over after we eat. Do you mind if I go alone?”
“Not at all. I’ll visit in the morning.”
What could be so urgent to warrant a call from the hospital? Had he deteriorated and wanted Dec by his side?
Errant thoughts began again and I knew my time of relative calmness had ended. I’d be restless until I knew what was going on.
Chapter Twenty-Four
Viper
I needed to amend things with Dec. I’d been an asshole. I hated the tension between us. I hated knowing I’d sent him away angry.
At first, the hospital had refused my request, but upon demanding to see someone in charge and getting a little heated, they’d eventually relented. Visiting hours were almost finished, but I didn’t care. I needed to see my brother.
Waiting proved hard. I wasn’t sure he’d come after storming out. Perhaps he decided to let me cool off instead. And what about Char? Would she come? Part of me hoped so but the part that truly needed to atone for my behavior with Dec hoped not.
Nurses came and went. I remained on pain medication and had blood taken again. My drip had been changed twice. The catheter remained.
When the door opened, I assumed it was Dec, but I sucked in a hard breath when a nurse walked in with a wheelchair. I’d forgotten about the doctor wanting me up and out of bed today. I’d assumed it would have happened earlier, but I guess they’d been busy. I hadn’t seen this nurse before. She appeared to be around twenty-something with mousy hair pulled up into a bun. Nice looking, but she had nothing on my Red. My Red. Shit. Listen to me. She wasn’t mine. I hadn’t earned her. Nor would I get to keep her now. The idea of that saddened me way more than it should.
“Hello. I’m Eva. I’m here to get you up and about.”
I’d said no wheelchairs! “You got any crutches?”
“We do, but I’ve been told to get you sitting in the chair before we tackle the crutches. I need to remove your catheter first.”
Oh crap. The muscles in my legs tightened as she moved toward the bed, donning a pair of gloves.
I squeezed my eyes closed.
“You may feel a little sting.”
Yeah, when a doctor or nurse said that, it normally hurt like hell. Funny, considering what I’d been through. Getting a small, plastic tube taken out should be a piece of cake.
I felt the blankets get pulled down.
The nurse giggled. “It’s not that bad. You don’t need to worry.”
Opening one eye, I squinted at her face, not able to lean up and watch. I was a complete wuss when it came to medical procedures.
I felt a gentle tug and a burning sensation. I gritted my teeth against it.
“All done,” she chirped.
“That’s it?” I asked, fully opening my eyes, deciding it hadn’t been so bad after all.
“Yep. You may experience an uncomfortable bladder for a couple of days and a small amount of blood in your urine, but it’s normal. It should settle soon.”
I’m glad she told me because if I relieved myself and saw any sign of blood, it would set off the panic button.
Settling into the mattress again, I waited until she finished tidying up the tray one of the other nurses had wheeled in earlier and her gloves had been removed.
“Now. Let’s get you out of this bed.”
Ah. No. “I’m not getting in that chair.” My voice boomed and she startled, halfway to the chair.
“You don’t want to
get up?” she asked meekly.
“I do, but I want crutches.”
“Doctor’s orders.”
“Fuck doctor’s orders. I’m not getting in that chair.”
She glared at me and strode out. Probably to get her superior, but she could bring the President of the United States in and it wouldn’t change my decision.
Sitting in that chair, which sat facing me like some freaking torture device, would show everyone I was disabled.
Who was I kidding? Crutches wouldn’t hide the gaping hole where my foot used to be. It would just make me seem less…helpless.
Eva pushed open my door again with a male in tow. He appeared middle-aged and wore a scowl. Jackass. If he thought he could persuade me, let him try.
No doctor was going to give me orders that didn’t directly affect my health.
“You don’t want to get in the wheelchair? Why?”
He stayed back with the nurse at a safe distance. Intelligent man.
“I don’t need it. I can use crutches just fine.”
The doctor and nurse shared a knowing look before he responded. “Ultimately, it’s your choice. Nurse, bring in some crutches.”
That didn’t take much persuading. Thankful for the doctor’s understanding, I gave him a nod.
“We need to get you into a sitting position.” He moved to my bed and picked up a remote which I didn’t know existed and pushed a button. My bed began rising so I ascended upward until I could begin swinging my body around so my right leg hung over the edge.
“Are you in any pain?” Doc asked.
My thigh ached, but apart from that, I couldn’t feel much. A wooziness slipped through my head, so I paused to let it pass.
Thank God the catheter had been removed for this exercise, even though the drip remained. I wasn’t sure how I’d be able to walk on crutches plus maneuver the metal stand it hung from.
The doctor must have noticed where my attention was. “Nurse Eva will walk with you to help keep you steady and to keep you attached to your IV bag.”
True Beginnings (The Lost and Found Series Book 3) Page 15