No Filter

by Maxine Morrey

  My throat sounded croaky and rough and I tried to smile through the fresh wave of tears that now trickled down my cheeks.

  ‘It wouldn’t surprise me if Miss Anthrope attacks this post as a carefully constructed PR stunt and if she wants to think that, I can’t stop her. But it’s not. She was right in that I always posted about happy, bubbly Libby, but it wasn’t to push some unattainable vision. It was to make myself happy because life isn’t perfect. And because I miss my mum every single day. Some days it’s a real, physical pain and I’d do anything to have her back. It’s to offer ideas and advice that I wish I’d been told when I was young, and shy and feeling out of things because I was trying to be something I wasn’t.

  ‘It’s just a blog. It wasn’t meant to change the world. It was just something to help change my own a little.

  ‘So!’

  I did my best to wipe away the tears and smile at the camera phone.

  ‘Now you know. This is me. The currently heartbroken, unadulterated pure Libby. With her red eyes, red nose and not a splash of make-up in sight. The thought of doing this made me feel sick, if I’m honest. But I needed to do it. Whatever you, or anyone, thinks of it is something I can’t change. All I can hope is that you know you are everything you need to be. It doesn’t matter what you wear, who you know, what you know, what colour your skin is. You are unique. And, more importantly, you are more than good enough.’

  I gave a final smile and a little wave then leaned in and stopped the recording. Before I could change my mind, I pulled up the admin for my blog and posted the video. What reaction, if any, it might generate was out of my control.

  38

  The sound of shingle shifting close behind me made me turn. I shaded my eyes with my hand against the early morning sun as I looked up and saw two uniformed police officers standing to my left.

  ‘Oh no.’ I let out a sigh.

  ‘Funny how about 80 per cent of women greet you with that phrase, Alex.’ The shorter officer grinned.

  ‘Give us a minute, will you, funny guy?’

  Alex’s partner nodded and scuffed off up the beach a little, his fingers hooked in the front of his stab vest. Alex watched him go for a moment and then crouched down next to me.

  ‘Hi.’

  ‘Just passing?’

  He picked up a pebble and tossed it to and fro between his hands. ‘Got a call that there was a woman looking suspicious near the pier.’

  I turned to him, gave a quick glance around then looked back at him. ‘Me?’

  Alex nodded.

  ‘I’m not suspicious! I’m just sitting here.’

  ‘Yep. And apparently you’ve been just sitting there for the past two hours. With a piece of rope.’

  ‘What? Don’t be ridiculous. I don’t have any rope!’

  Alex reached around me and picked up the wrap I’d been fiddling with. It was cream and currently rolled into a thin snake.

  My eyebrows rose. ‘Oh! Oh no. I didn’t even think… I’m so sorry. I didn’t mean to waste anyone’s time.’

  He gave a smile that crinkled the corners of his eyes. ‘Don’t worry about it. Believe me, this is a much nicer surprise. Every once in a while stats about the town apparently having a higher than average suicide rate pop up. It can make some people a bit jumpy.’

  ‘I guess it’s nice that people are looking out for others.’

  ‘There’s that.’

  We sat in silence for a few minutes. It was still early on a Saturday and the city wasn’t yet fully awake. The sea slooshed over the pebbles, rattling them each time it withdrew.

  ‘People have been looking for you.’

  I didn’t meet his eyes, instead trailing my finger over the bumps of the stones beside me.

  ‘What for?’

  ‘Because they were worried about you. Because they saw a heartbroken post on your blog. Because you wouldn’t answer their calls.’

  ‘It’s better that way.’

  Alex rolled his lips together. ‘Nope. Not sure it is. Besides, from what I know of you, you’re not the kind of person to let something stew.’

  ‘I wasn’t letting anything stew. I was clearing my head.’

  ‘Uh huh. And is it clear now?’

  ‘Pretty much.’

  ‘Is that why you’ve been gazing out to sea since five a.m. on a weekend?’

  ‘Is there a law against that, then Officer?’ I quirked an eyebrow.

  He smirked. ‘Smart arse. And no, there isn’t a law against it. But I still think you need to speak to him.’

  ‘Who?’

  Alex gave me a look.

  Worth a try.

  I blew out a sigh. ‘I think everything has been said.’

  ‘So, why’s he been driving himself crazy to try and talk to you, then?’

  I shrugged.

  The silence hung again.

  ‘I didn’t know. When I went out with you, I mean. I honestly didn’t know that I felt that way about Charlie. It’s all been a bit of a surprise, to be honest. To everyone, it would seem. And not exactly a welcome one.’

  ‘I know things weren’t like that then – don’t worry about it.’

  ‘He hates me.’

  Alex threw his head back and laughed. ‘Women.’

  I narrowed my eyes at him. ‘Oh! Because men are so bloody perfect!’

  He laughed again.

  ‘I can assure you Charlie does not hate you. Just talk to him.’

  ‘No,’ I said, standing. ‘There’s nothing to say. And he’ll be off to New York soon anyway and it’ll be done.’

  Alex followed me to a standing position and stood looking down at me.

  ‘And you think all those feelings are just going to disappear because you shove a few thousand miles between you?’

  ‘What’s the point?’ I whispered, noticing his partner heading back towards us.

  ‘The point is, if you don’t, I’m going to arrest you.’

  ‘What? You are not. What for?’

  ‘Loitering.’

  ‘Don’t be ridiculous.’

  Alex slid his hand to his back and lifted his cuffs, before reaching out to catch my hand. I jumped back.

  ‘Stop it! What if someone sees? They don’t know you’re mucking about! You could trash my blog’s reputation! Although that seems to be a popular pastime at the moment.’

  Alex gave a derisive snort. ‘These days it’d probably up your numbers. But, if you don’t want to prove that point, then go and talk to Charlie. Please. I’m asking you as a friend.’

  ‘To whom? Him or me?’

  ‘Both of you.’

  ‘Cop-out answer. Excuse the pun.’

  ‘Excused. Are you going to do it?’

  ‘Yes. Fine. I’ll talk to him.’

  ‘When?’

  ‘Later.’

  ‘Not good enough. I’ll drop you off now. The car’s up there. And that way, the concerned citizen who’s been keeping an eye on you all morning will know you’re being taken somewhere safe.’

  I rolled my eyes. ‘What a crock.’

  Alex gave me a ‘whatever works’ kind of look.

  ‘Fine. Just put those damn cuffs back, will you? You’re making me nervous.’ I said, as we began walking towards the road.

  ‘Bet ole Miss Spanky Pants wouldn’t be so nervous about them.’

  I cut my eyes to him. ‘Charlie really did tell you everything, didn’t he?’

  ‘Oh, yeah.’

  ‘I assume you’re taking the first flight you can to New York once he’s settled in, and looking for an introduction?’ I said, standing next to the police car.

  Alex grinned. ‘In you hop.’

  ‘It’s seven o’clock in the morning. He’s probably not even up yet.’

  ‘That’s what a doorbell is for. Come on. In.’

  I huffed and slid in the back seat. Alex and his partner got in the front and pulled out onto the main road. A few minutes later they’d turned off and parked the car in the crescent that Ch
arlie’s house stood in.

  Alex got out from the driver’s side and came round to open my door. I saw a curtain twitch at one of the windows. Charlie’s house was still in darkness.

  ‘Great. Nosy neighbours. And it doesn’t look like he’s up.’

  ‘Like I said—’

  ‘Doorbell. Yes, I know. But it hardly seems fair to wake him on a Saturday when I could just as well talk to him later.’

  Our voices were low in deference to the early hour and the open windows in several of the neighbouring houses.

  ‘He won’t mind. Stop stalling.’

  ‘It’s just that—’

  ‘Libby?’ We both turned. Charlie stood on his front step. He wore pyjama bottoms and a slightly misshapen white T-shirt. His hair was uncombed and his feet were bare and tanned against the white stone of the porch. He took a step towards us.

  ‘Is everything all right?’ Concern creased his face as he looked first at Alex, and then back at me.

  Alex moved first. ‘Yep. All good. We bumped into Libby on the beach and gave her a lift as we were coming this way.’

  Charlie took a step towards me.

  ‘Is that true?’

  I drew myself up. ‘Not exactly. Apparently sitting on the beach in the morning is suspicious. Alex got a call to check it out and found me minding my own business, watching the waves. He then said if I didn’t come here and talk to you, he’d arrest me for loitering.’

  Charlie looked at Alex. ‘That sounds like it might be more accurate.’

  ‘She can be stubborn. And you two need to talk.’ He watched us for a moment and then dangled the cuffs. ‘Don’t make me use these.’

  I tilted my head at Charlie. ‘He has other plans for those.’

  A flicker of a smile crossed Charlie’s face.

  ‘I’d hate to deprive you, mate,’ Charlie said. ‘Libby. Please, would you come in?’

  Alex gave me a kiss on the cheek and headed back to his car. I hesitated, wondering about scooting off the moment they were out of sight.

  ‘Don’t even think about it,’ Alex said, without turning his head.

  I turned quickly to Charlie, a question on my face.

  ‘He’s been doing this a long time.’

  ‘What? Delivering women to your door in the early hours?’

  Charlie smiled. ‘Being a policeman.’

  ‘Oh.’

  He looked down at me. ‘Are you coming in?’

  ‘Is there any chance I’d get back to my flat without being picked up for something else?’

  ‘I doubt it.’

  I let out a sigh and walked past him into the chequerboard-floor foyer. Charlie followed and closed the door. The air was cool here and light filtered in through the stained-glass panels above the door, making pools of bright colours on the tiles.

  We stood there.

  ‘I’ll go and get dressed.’

  ‘Don’t worry on my account. I’m not staying long and you look tired. You should go back to bed.’

  ‘I wasn’t in bed. I’ve been up since five.’

  ‘Why?’

  Charlie turned and headed off towards the kitchen. I hesitated, then followed. He poured water from a filter jug into the kettle. Flicking it on, he leant back with his hands on the worktop, legs straight, ankles crossed loosely.

  ‘Thinking.’

  ‘About what?’ I wasn’t sure I wanted to hear the answer, but I needed to.

  ‘About what you said the very first time we met.’

  A laugh bubbled out of me unexpectedly, partly from nerves. ‘I probably said a lot, knowing me. You’ll have to narrow it down a bit.’

  Charlie smiled. ‘You have a point. I was thinking about what you said about life not being black and white and that it was messy, and that sometimes things don’t make sense but we have to muddle through them as best we can.’

  ‘Oh. Yes. Well, that does sound like me.’

  He smiled, then looked down at his feet. The kettle reached a boil and Charlie turned and knocked the switch. When he looked back at me, his face was serious.

  ‘I’m sorry about what I said. I didn’t mean it. If I could take it back, I would.’

  ‘I think we’d both take things back if we could.’

  Charlie flicked his glance to a bird as it landed on his patio table and began sunning itself.

  ‘What would you take back?’ he asked.

  This was it. This was the opportunity to fix everything. To try and put things back together the way that they had been before. It wasn’t going to be exactly the same. I knew that, but maybe in time… I couldn’t do it. I couldn’t say something I didn’t mean.

  ‘Nothing,’ I replied.

  I walked to the patio door. The bird cocked its head and peered at me for a moment before fluffing its feathers, continuing to soak up the early morning warmth. ‘I know that’s not the right answer. And I’ve ruined one of the best, if not the best, friendships that I’ve ever had, or probably ever will have, but what’s the point of carrying on if I have to lie?’

  ‘You wouldn’t last five minutes without bursting.’

  ‘Exactly.’ I tried to laugh but it was so hard with him standing there, looking all ruffled and big and gorgeous.

  ‘You know you and I don’t make sense in my world of logic and patterns—’

  I held up my hands, palms toward him. I didn’t need it explained to me. ‘I know, I know. You don’t need—’ I stopped as Charlie caught my hands and held them.

  ‘I’m not finished.’

  My stomach went all soft and heat rippled through me. This wasn’t good. I mean, it felt great, but it wasn’t good.

  ‘Oh.’

  ‘We don’t make sense. But we still work. We work great. It’s like you said. Sometimes things don’t make sense but you have to muddle through.’ He looked down at his hands, mine disappearing into his own. ‘I really want to muddle through all this with you, Libby. As a whole lot more than just friends. You and I might not make sense on paper but in the real world, we do. Becoming your friend is the best thing that’s ever happened to me. You’ve helped me see that sometimes things don’t make sense but that’s no reason not to go ahead and do them because it can bring joy and happiness and that sometimes it’s good to do things just because! For no other reason than that.’

  I searched his face.

  ‘What?’

  ‘You’ve never done anything in your life without thinking about it. I love you, Charlie. I do. But I don’t want you to go into this just “because”. That’s not enough for you. And I know I’m probably driving you crazy and acting like I’m contradicting myself but I’m not. I can get over you now – in time. But if I let you in, really let you in, then I know how much harder I’ll fall for you. And when you decide that you’ve had enough of “just because” and want someone you can discuss the world’s great questions and, oh, I don’t know, accountancy trivia with, having to get over you then will be so much harder. I can’t put myself through that.’

  ‘Come here.’ Charlie led me to the small couch that sat at one end of the kitchen. It had a view of the patio and I could still see the little chaffinch preening in the early sun. Charlie sat and pulled me down beside him.

  ‘First off, I can talk about everything and anything with you. And don’t ever believe anything different. On the other point, yes, you’re right. I don’t make any big decisions without thinking about it. That’s probably not going to change. Which is why I’ve done nothing but think about this since you walked off three weeks ago.’

  I watched his face. ‘Truth is, I’ve been thinking about it, on and off, since the day I first met you.’

  39

  ‘I don’t understand.’

  Charlie tucked a knee up and concentrated on playing with my fingers, lifting one to study the tiny painting the nail artist had done on them when I’d gone out for a girls’ day with Gina.

  ‘I had a massive crush on you before we even got to lunch that first day.’


  ‘You did not!’

  He laughed and nodded. ‘I did indeed. Which sort of took me by surprise a bit because I’m not exactly prone to things like that.’

  ‘Because crushes aren’t black and white.’

  ‘Exactly. I think the final straw was when you reached up and rubbed in the sun cream on my face. It was all I could do not to scoop you up and kiss the living daylights out of you.’

  ‘I… I didn’t have a clue.’

  Charlie laughed again. ‘Yes, I got the impression that I hadn’t entirely blown my cover when you told me to feel free to accept the waiter’s advances, if I felt so inclined.’

  I shrugged, smiling. ‘I didn’t want to stand in the way.’

  ‘That’s because you’re kind, and lovely, and you.’

  ‘But you never…’

  Charlie went back to studying my hands. ‘I convinced myself that it was just a crush. Because you put me at my ease faster than anyone I’ve ever met. Because I felt I could be myself so easily with you. That wasn’t something I’d ever experienced with a woman before. You were just so different from anyone I’ve ever been out with. Anyone I’ve ever met, in fact. I thought it was the uniqueness of you that I was falling for – not actually you. If that makes sense. At least that’s what I thought. And, to be honest, you never gave me any hint that any advance would be welcome and I didn’t want to lose you as a friend. So, I took what I could get and convinced myself that it was a crush that I would get over. I did a pretty good job of it too. Until Alex asked you out.’

  ‘You weren’t happy about it? Why didn’t you say something?’

  ‘I saw the way you two were with each other. Both easy-going, open, and I could see that you liked him. I suppose I sort of knew it would happen anyway once he saw you and found out you were single.’

  ‘He wouldn’t have asked me out if he’d known… about you.’

  ‘I told him we were just friends. Which we were. And he believed me because, like I said, I’d done a fairly good job of convincing myself.’