Rebel Heart

by Penelope Ward

  Amanda laughed. “Have you learned how to control yourself better yet?”

  “That shit traumatized me. Damn straight I never made that mistake again. You gotta get permission. Don’t blow till you know. That’s been my motto the last sixteen years.”

  Amanda almost fell off her chair laughing so hard. We’d been having a good time, like two guys comparing war stories. Only Amanda definitely wasn’t a guy. That fact became suddenly clear when she rested her hand on my thigh. “For the record, I’d be okay with you losing control.”

  Fuck.

  This conversation suddenly went from innocent to feeling really fucking wrong. I looked down at her hand on my thigh and then up into the eyes of my new friend. “I fucking love her.”

  She gave a sad smile. “I know. But if you wanted to maybe get even…I only live a few blocks from here.”

  I shook my head. “I can’t.”

  “You sure? No strings attached. It might be good to let out all of our anger.” She leaned in and whispered, “I like it a little rough.” Then she stood. “Think about it. I’m going to go to the ladies’ room.”

  I like it a little rough.

  Fuck.

  I finished my drink and told the bartender to put both our tabs on my card, instead of Amanda’s. While I was digging my wallet from my pocket, my phone started to buzz on the bar. Gia’s name flashed, and my heart started to race. Finally. I abruptly felt sober. I swiped to answer.

  “Where the fuck have you been all day? I’ve been trying to call you for hours,” I barked into the phone.

  “I’m sorry. I fell asleep because I was up sick last night.”

  I pushed aside the ache in my chest from hearing she wasn’t feeling good. “Who’s the damn father of your baby, Gia?”

  “What?” It only took her saying one word to hear the nerves fray in her voice.

  I yelled louder, “Who the fuck is the father, Gia?”

  Silence.

  “Answer me, goddamn it!”

  Her voice shook. “Rush. Let’s talk about this when you get home. Remember, we are supposed to talk tonight?”

  “Who. The. Fuck. Is. The. Father. Gia?

  She started to cry. But I couldn’t feel bad. I needed to hear her say it.

  “Answer me.”

  “I can’t!”

  “Did you fuck my brother?”

  Sobbing.

  “Goddamn it, Gia. Answer me. Are you pregnant with that piece of shit’s spawn?”

  “I’m so sorry,” she cried. “I didn’t know until the birthday party. I was planning on telling you tonight. I’m so, so sorry.”

  “Say it. Say the words, Gia. I need to fucking hear them.”

  “Please, Rush. Where are you? We need to talk about this in person. I’ll come to you. Are you home?”

  “Say it!” The sadistic bastard in me needed to hear it.

  “I can’t.”

  “I need to fucking hear it, Gia. I’m not fucking around. Say it.”

  She sniffled, and the words were barely a whisper. But she said it. The words that shattered my fucking heart into a million pieces.

  “Elliott is the father of my baby.”

  So began what was very likely the worst night of my entire life.

  Rush had hung up distraught after my revelation. I couldn’t say I blamed him. It was exactly the reaction I’d expected.

  The hours that followed were pure torture. I was worried. Really worried about him. And the fact that I couldn’t reach him to confirm that he was okay wasn’t helping.

  Finding out through Elliott was the worst possible scenario. His brother had no idea what news he was really giving Rush. I assumed he had no clue I was carrying his baby. Finding out I had slept with Elliott would have been terrible news in and of itself. But for Rush to have received the news in such a cold way, knowing what it really meant, was simply cruel.

  I was up most of the night dialing him, to no avail. He just wouldn’t answer. When I finally accepted the fact that maybe he needed some time apart from me to process everything, I tried to force myself to sleep for a bit, even though it was extremely difficult to relax. My tired body eventually succumbed to slumber, and I ended up getting a couple of hours of sleep.

  When I woke up, the birds were chirping, and the sun was starting to rise. It couldn’t have been more than 6AM. Someone was downstairs brewing coffee, and the smell was making me nauseous.

  My heart was palpitating as I urgently reached for my phone to call him again. Still no answer. I tried again.

  Come on, Rush. Answer.

  It just went to voicemail again. Starting to panic, I decided to throw some clothes on and drive to his house.

  When I arrived, the ocean was choppy and the wind was fierce. It was fitting for the tumultuous mood of this morning. The wind chimes that were hanging near his front door were working overtime to keep up.

  Rush usually parked in the driveway, but it was empty. I peeked inside the small windows at the top of the garage door. His car wasn’t there, either.

  Where is he?

  I wasn’t sure if I really wanted to know, although a part of me needed to know the answer.

  Had he never come home last night?

  Maybe he’d gotten drunk and left his car somewhere? Maybe someone else drove him home? I knocked repeatedly on the front door.

  Nothing.

  He definitely wasn’t home.

  Returning to my car parked outside, I picked up my phone and dialed him once again.

  To my shock, this time someone answered. But it wasn’t Rush.

  “Hello?”

  It was a woman with a groggy voice. My heart started to beat faster.

  “Who is this?” I said.

  She repeated my question. “Who is this?”

  “It’s Gia. Where’s Rush?”

  “Gia? Gia! The woman who fucked Rush’s brother? Wow. Why are you even calling him? You’ve got some nerve.”

  My heart sank. I tasted the bile rising from my stomach, feeling a bit betrayed that he would spill our business to some slut he just met.

  “Who is this? Where is Rush?”

  “You’re a real piece of work. You lost a good one, bitch.”

  “Excuse me?”

  There was no response. Then the phone went dead in my ear. She’d hung up on me.

  My car shook from the wind. Resting my head against the steering wheel, I wanted to cry, but the shock from what just happened must have dried my tears.

  He was with a woman.

  The realization of that felt like a death had occurred. As hard as it was to accept, I couldn’t even be mad at him. I was sad, but I didn’t have the right to be mad. After the horrifying news I’d given him, how could I expect that he’d be able to handle things alone? Yes, I was jealous and sick to my stomach, but a part of me understood.

  Shutting my eyes tightly, I tried to shun thoughts of Rush screwing another woman.

  I clutched my stomach, looking out toward the house that was once going to be my home. Now it was very likely that my baby would never see the nursery that Rush built. It was just one of the many dreams that had been shattered over one really bad decision.

  That night, right before I was scheduled to work, I stood outside The Heights, hesitant to go in. He might have been in there. Would he face me or continue to ignore me? How would I feel looking at him after knowing he’d been with another woman? So many questions flew in and out of my brain. My heart was pummeling against my chest. God, this level of stress could not have been good for my baby.

  I didn’t feel prepared to handle any of this. But honestly, I had no choice but to work tonight. The fact of the matter was, at the moment, I had no other job, no money, and a baby on the way. That reminded me that I really needed to make finding another job a priority before I moved back to the City.

  Taking a deep breath in, I made my way toward the door and entered.

  Oak was standing near the hostess station, looking like he might
have been waiting for me.

  “Hi,” I said.

  He seemed anxious. “Hey, Gia.”

  I swallowed. “Is Rush here?”

  “Boss is in his office. I don’t know what’s going on. He wouldn’t talk to me, but he doesn’t look good. In fact, I’ve never seen him like this. Looks like he got run over by a truck and smells like he got thrown in a bar dumpster. You may want to go in and check on him.”

  My heart sank. “How long has he been here?”

  “Hours. He hasn’t come out and he yelled at me a few times to leave him alone.”

  I expelled a long breath. “I’m pretty sure that I’m the last person he wants to see right now, Oak.”

  Oak nodded in understanding. “Oh…okay, so this has something to do with you guys. That’s what I was afraid of.” He frowned. “I’m sorry to hear that.”

  “Yeah. I think it might be best if I let him come out on his own. He knows I’m working. I think he’ll seek me out when he’s ready. I’m afraid to make him more upset.”

  He looked around and lowered his voice. “Can I ask what happened?”

  I simply shook my head no. Thankfully, he didn’t push it.

  My shift that night was excruciating. I couldn’t go two minutes without looking down the hallway to see if Rush was going to come out of his office. He never did. I even passed by a few times and placed my ear on the door to see if I could hear anything. And nothing. I was starting to think that maybe he’d snuck out during one of the few times I was too preoccupied to notice.

  At the end of the night, I just couldn’t take it anymore. I had cash to put in the safe, so I figured that was a good ‘official’ excuse to enter his office.

  When I opened the door with the money in hand, the lights were off. I assumed he’d left until his voice shook me to my core.

  “Who’s there?”

  I froze. “It’s me. I have cash for the safe.”

  “Leave it on the desk,” he demanded coldly.

  I stood there in the dark. The door was halfway open, so the only light streaming into the room was from the hallway.

  “Are you okay?” I finally asked.

  “No.”

  The pain in his voice was palpable. I wanted so badly to approach him, to hold him, but I knew that wasn’t an option. I knew he’d push me away. So I stayed where I was near the door.

  “I know you’re not ready to talk to me. But I need you to know that I fully intended to tell you. I was still absorbing it myself. I’m so sorry you had to find out through him. I would do anything to take that back. I—”

  “Gia…” His curt tone sliced through me. “I can’t do this right now. Do you understand? I wish I was stronger for you, but right now, I’m just not.” He repeated, “I can’t do this.”

  Tears were starting to form in my eyes. “What can I do? Please tell me,” I begged. “I’ll do anything.”

  He was raking his hands through his hair over and over. I hated to think where those hands had been last night.

  “You can’t, Gia,” he finally said. “There is nothing you can do to change this. I just need time.”

  “Time for what? Is there even a decision to make?”

  “I don’t know. Like I said…I just can’t…”

  I wanted to ask him where he was last night and who that woman was, but I refrained even though my curiosity was killing me. It was neither the time nor place to bring even more drama into an already fucked-up situation. He was hurting, and that was what was important, not my feelings of jealousy.

  “Rush, I’m going through the same pain that you are.”

  “I know that. And I wish I could be there for you. I know this isn’t easy for you, either. But Gia, I’m ready to fucking kill someone. I can’t control my anger right now and it’s just best if…” His words dropped off. I couldn’t see him clearly, but his shoulders shook. I was pretty sure he was crying.

  My heart was breaking. I loved this man with all of my being. To watch him cry and not be able to do anything about it – and to know I had caused it – was just about the most painful feeling I’d ever experienced. I was afraid I’d make it worse if I touched him, and I refused to cause him any more pain.

  After some silence where I just listened to him breathe, he finally said, “I just can’t handle talking about this until my head is on straight again.”

  I wiped my eyes. “Okay.” I walked over to the desk and placed the money down. Clenching my fists, I once again had to restrain myself from reaching for him. I walked back toward the door but lingered there.

  His next words really caught me off guard. “I need to leave town for a while.”

  My heartbeat sped up.

  He was leaving?

  My eyes widened. “Leave town?”

  “Yes.”

  “Where are you going?”

  “I don’t know yet—somewhere to try to clear my head. I’m leaving Oak in charge of The Heights.”

  “Will you keep in touch while you’re away?”

  “Don’t worry about me. Just take care of yourself…and the baby.”

  Should I have been pushing harder to break through the walls he’d put up? My gut told me that there was nothing I could do to stop him, that there was no way to solve this through talking. I didn’t want to push him over the edge. So I decided to give him the time and space to deal with this. My heart was telling me to let him go.

  So that’s exactly what I did.

  Everyone was long gone, and I was still sitting in my dark office.

  I was glad she listened to me and left, because I seriously couldn’t handle being around her yet.

  I still loved her so much. That never changed for one second. I just didn’t know how to handle what I was feeling, couldn’t articulate my pain. And I certainly couldn’t make any decisions about my future in this state of mind.

  The truth was, I had no idea where to go from here. As much as I felt like I could never abandon Gia, I also felt like I might never be able to accept things as they were.

  Accepting the baby as my own when its father was a faceless, nameless phantom was one thing. Accepting the baby as my own knowing that the father is my own brother—arguably my biggest enemy—was a completely different story.

  The fact that I couldn’t force myself to stay and deal with this was pissing me the fuck off. I’d never been one to run away from my problems. But it just felt like the only option right now. My anger ran too deep to be around her, and I sure as hell needed to be far enough away from Elliott for a while to curb my murderous urges.

  It was the middle of the night now as I forced myself out of my chair and out to the parking lot. My plan was to get some shut-eye then pack a bag in the morning and go wherever the wind took me.

  Halfway home, my phone rang. I assumed it was Gia calling to check on me.

  But it wasn’t.

  The name on the caller ID was definitely not who I was expecting.

  Beth.

  Beth?

  Beth was my best friend growing up, until I ruined things by sleeping with her. We still kept in touch from time to time after she moved to Arizona, but why would she be calling me at this time of night? Very odd.

  I picked up. “Beth?”

  “Heath. I’m sorry to be calling you so late.”

  “What’s up?”

  There was a long pause before she said, “My dad. Heath…he died today. It just happened earlier tonight. He collapsed after dinner in front of the television. Massive heart attack. I’ve been calling all of our friends and family.”

  “Oh my God.” I immediately pulled over onto a dirt road and placed my hand on my forehead. “Are you okay?”

  “We’re all pretty shaken up. I think I’m just still in shock. It happened so fast.”

  “How’s your mother?”

  “Devastated.”

  Beth’s dad, Pat, had been like a father to me growing up. This news was jarring and couldn’t have come at a worse time. I’d already felt
like my world had completely fallen apart, but apparently there was still room for more devastation.

  “Shit, Beth. I don’t even know what to say. I’m so sorry.”

  “I figured you’d want to know. You guys were so close at one time. And I know he’d want me to reach out to you.”

  “I wish I even had the right words right now. Nothing I can say is gonna help.”

  She was crying. “Just hearing your voice helps.”

  “When is the service?”

  “We haven’t gotten that far yet, but probably sometime in the next few days.”

  Suddenly, I didn’t have to wonder where I was going anymore.

  I was headed to Arizona.

  It felt surreal walking into the funeral home and seeing Pat Hurley lying there in a coffin. I hadn’t seen him in years but we always kept in touch, mainly during the holidays. Now I was feeling guilty that we hadn’t communicated more. I would regret not calling him more often for as long as I lived.

  As a kid with no father around, you appreciated attention from adult males more than average; yearned for it, even. Pat knew I needed guidance, and he became that father figure to me.

  He was the one who taught me how to throw a football, how to fish, and gave me the good old ‘birds and the bees’ talk. The latter would end up being ironic when I ended up fucking his daughter later on. Pat found out about that, too, and kicked my ass. But he still cared about me even after that. He loved me and he never let me forget it, even when he was literally smacking the shit out of me.

  I stood by his coffin and stared down at his body. Pat was dressed in a nice suit, and his mouth had been formed into a smile. He looked good for a dead guy. I couldn’t even believe I was thinking about Pat that way, or that he was gone forever from this Earth.