Down By Contact (Wilmington Breakers Book 1)

by Johnson, Sloan

  “How many times do I have to tell you to call me Grace?” she chastised him.

  “Mom, remember what I told you on the phone. Once that camera’s recording, you have to pretend he’s not here. And please, for the love of God, don’t act like he’s your long-lost son.” It’d crushed Mom when we’d split up, because she and Griffin got along well. Nate was into numbers, which never interested her, and I was into sports, which she hated but tolerated for my sake, so having Griffin and his love of art was a breath of fresh air for her.

  “Zachary Lloyd Kendricks,” she hissed. Mom might’ve barely come up to my shoulder, but that didn’t mean she didn’t scare the shit out of me. “Just because there’s unpleasant history between the two of you doesn’t give you license to be unkind. Griffin is a guest in our home and you will treat him as such.”

  “Damn, Ma, I didn’t mean anything by it.” I held up my hands and took a step back. Griffin might’ve been right about this being a bad idea. But it was too late to turn back now. “I just meant that his bosses can’t know that we know one another, so bear that in mind while he’s working. Once the camera is safely packed away in the car, then you can do whatever the hell you want.”

  “Oh, okay.” She relaxed a bit and walked over to Griffin, giving him a hug and a quick peck on the cheek. “It’s good to see you. You look well. And by all means, open those blinds. Do whatever you need.”

  Griffin finished setting up and told me he was ready when I was. I called Dad into the living room and sat down on one end of the couch. Dad took his place in the old recliner I’d been begging him to let me replace since the night of the draft, and Mom sat between the two of us. The positions were familiar: whichever of us boys was in trouble sat as far away from Dad as possible and Mom placed herself in the middle, mostly to act as a referee if things got heated.

  I took a few deep breaths and closed my eyes, trying to remind myself why I was doing this. It wasn’t for Griffin; it was for myself. I needed to do this. I needed to get my words out there so I could spend the rest of the season focused on my job. I wasn’t a pioneer. “Zach, what’s wrong? You’re starting to scare us.”

  Well hell, I was screwing up already. I opened my eyes and reached for Mom’s hand. “There’s nothing to be scared about,” I promised her. “I just… I wanted to tell you… damn, why is this so hard?”

  I glanced over to Griffin and saw the questions in his eyes. I nodded, hopefully imperceptibly enough the camera wouldn’t pick it up.

  “Okay, so part of this isn’t a surprise to you guys,” I finally continued. “But I wanted you to know, I met with Coach last week and told him I’m gay.”

  “Aww hell, why’d you go and do that?” Dad responded, sounding disgusted that I’d decided I was tired of living in the closet. He sneered at me, shaking his head the way he did whenever he was pissed beyond words. “You can’t go blabbing that to the world. We’ve talked about this.”

  “No Dad, you talked,” I shot back. “And at the time, I didn’t want to say anything to upset you. But the more I thought about it, the more it felt like I was lying to everyone. Probably because I was. And it’s not just Coach that knows. I told some of the guys last night, too. They’re cool with it. I’m sure someone will have a problem with me now, but I have support from my team. And I’m hoping I’ll have your support, too.”

  “Honey, you know we don’t have a problem with it,” Mom interrupted. She looked over to Griffin, sadness filling her eyes. She’d seen the love we shared when we were too young to understand what it meant. When I’d told her he’d left me, she’d been the one trying to convince me to go after him and find out if there was anything I could do to salvage our relationship. But I hadn’t listened to her because I was too filled with anger to believe we could fix what was broken. “We’ve supported both you and your brother since you decided to surprise us with a double coming out. That’ll never change. But I think your dad’s mostly worried about what this will mean for your career.”

  “I get that, I really do,” I assured her. I didn’t think Dad was being an asshole just for the sake of making my life miserable, but sometimes, it was important to re-evaluate priorities. “I’m hoping this will just be a piece of who I am. I’m shorter than most of the other receivers in the league. I say shit without thinking about the consequences sometimes. I listen to cheesy pop music and like movies from before I was born. And I’m gay. Nothing changes now, other than the fact that I won’t feel like I’m lying to everyone.”

  “Did you go out of your way to tell them you weren’t gay?” Dad interjected.

  “No.”

  “Then why would you feel like you’re lying?” he prodded, turning his attention to Griffin. “Were you put up to this? Son, if you feel as though you were forced to say something, you tell me and we’ll deal with it.”

  “Dad, please stop,” I begged. This wasn’t going how I’d planned, but at least the network was going to get the drama they felt was missing from my life. “No one forced me to do anything. Yes, I talked to Coach because of… well, I had my reasons. But he didn’t push me to tell him. No one put a gun to my head and told me to say anything to my teammates. And I don’t regret it. There’s plenty of… things in my life I regret, but being honest for a change isn’t one of them. I feel better today than I have in a long time, and I think it’s because I don’t have to worry about anyone who does know saying something without my permission. It’s stupid, but I feel free now.”

  Dad sat back in his recliner, studying me, waiting for me to crack and tell him I was wrong to come out. But I wasn’t. And even though today wasn’t going the way I’d hoped it would, I was glad we were doing this. Maybe, just maybe, there would be a gay kid out there who’d see me getting past everyone telling me I was stupid for coming out and realize he didn’t have to make the same mistakes I’d made. Maybe he already had a Griffin in his life and he wouldn’t push him away in favor of a dream that would someday fade.

  Football was a part of my life, but it would never be my life. Seeing what PJ had been through and where he was mentally now that he had Nate was what gave me the strength to be honest with everyone. There was still time for me to learn from his mistakes, and that’s what I intended to do.

  Likely feeling outnumbered, Dad got up and stormed out of the room. Mom jumped when the back screen door slammed. Griffin stopped recording and quietly set down the camera. And I just sat there, stunned. The same man who’d been supportive when I’d come out hadn’t even been able to look at me when I told him I wasn’t going to keep it a secret any longer.

  Eleven

  (Griffin)

  My heart broke for Zach after watching his dad walk out. Lloyd never struck me as the type of dad who wanted to be his sons’ best friend, but I’d never pegged him for being a flaming bag of dicks, either. In all the time I’d spent at the Kendricks’ home, I’d never felt unwelcome or uncomfortable, but I felt both now. He hadn’t come right out and said it, but Zach’s dad thought I had something to do with him coming out beyond his trusted circle. He thought I’d scripted this or pushed him to do it because of the cameras. He was so very wrong about that, because as soon as we were safely back in the car and on the road, I’d have a few choice words for Zach.

  I wanted to be proud of him, but instead, I was just pissed off. He’d thrown himself in front of the bus because I’d been upset about this morning’s production meeting. He’d known damn well I wouldn’t have brought the camera or turned it on if I knew what he was going to do, which was why he wouldn’t tell me ahead of time. And I was stupid enough to believe he didn’t want to create any buzz that’d take away from football, so I hadn’t questioned him further. Now, what should’ve been a private moment was captured for the entire production staff to see. I could only imagine how they’d salivate when they reviewed the tape. This was exactly what they needed to drive up ratings this season.

  After setting my camera bag near the front door, I returned to the living room
to see Zach and Grace deep in conversation. I took a step back, stopping when Zach reached out his hand without looking in my direction. His mother glanced over his shoulder, offering me a loving smile. I joined them, allowing Zach to take whatever comfort he needed from me.

  “I’m glad you’re here with him through this,” Grace said softly. “It’s not going to be an easy year, but you were always good for him.”

  “Oh, we’re not—”

  “Yeah, he was,” Zach agreed, cutting off my protest. He looked up at me with pleading eyes, begging me to stay quiet. I squeezed the hand still holding mine, letting him know I’d keep my mouth shut. For now. “I’m just sorry it took me so long to realize it. I should’ve tried harder to figure out why he left, but I’m going to make up for that now.”

  I tugged at the collar of my shirt. It’d be nice if Zach didn’t keep catching me off guard. I wanted to trust that this was the real Zach, that the one who’d been standoffish and curt with me was working hard to portray himself to the world in a certain way.

  “We’ll have to see.” I wasn’t about to make any promises I couldn’t keep. We needed to sit down and talk, preferably with some physical space between us so our penises couldn’t derail the conversation.

  Grace excused herself, making it almost to the kitchen before she turned back to us. “Just remember, there are no guarantees in life. Zach, you’ve placed all your chips on playing football, but it wouldn’t hurt you to consider who would be there for you if you’re tackled wrong in training camp and it’s all taken away. What will you have left?”

  “Ma, don’t talk like that,” he groaned.

  “Ignoring the possibility doesn’t mean it couldn’t happen,” she pointed out. “And I’m not saying it will. You could keep playing for the next fifteen years and retire because you’re just too old and slow to keep going. But even then, aren’t you going to want someone to enjoy your retirement with?”

  “I know, Ma.” I couldn’t help but chuckle at the feigned annoyance in his voice. “But mark my words, I’ve got a long time before I have to think about that.”

  Grace shook her head, muttering under her breath as she went into the kitchen. That left just the two of us in the living room. I sat next to Zach on the couch, our fingers still entwined. “Well, that was definitely more excitement than I figured on for today.”

  “Yeah, but at least your boss will be happy now,” Zach responded. The corner of his mouth quirked up and I couldn’t help but smile. Poor Zach had no clue how much he’d just potentially screwed up his life, but he was happy, because he’d done something to help me out. “You wanna stay for dinner? Mom’s probably has a roast ready to put in the oven.”

  “Not sure that’s such a great idea. Your dad’s not my biggest fan, and I’m pretty sure he thinks it’s my fault you told your team about being gay,” I told him.

  “True, but I won’t let him blame you,” Zach promised me. “You know just as well as he does that I won’t do anything before I’m ready. And yeah, my hand was forced about telling Coach, but I didn’t feel that same pressure when it came to the guys. I wanted them to know. They’re trying to include me in their personal lives, but I was keeping them at a distance. That’s not fair. When deShawn accused me of not trusting him enough to tell him sooner, it was like a lightbulb went off in my head. I didn’t think of it like that, but he was right. I didn’t trust any of them to accept me for who I was. Deep down, I was worried they’d see me as a gay man who played football rather than a football player who happens to like dick.”

  “And the difference is?” Zach was a confounding man. Sometimes, he came off as a typical jock, but when the gears in his brain started spinning, he’d come up with these complex arguments that were hard to follow.

  “Not much, honestly,” he admitted, sliding closer to me on the couch. I liked that. He kicked his feet up on the coffee table and pulled me to his side. “They’re equal parts of who I am. And yeah, I’ll be gay a hell of a lot longer than I play football, but as far as they’re concerned me being a wide receiver is the only thing that should matter. If they don’t think about the other guys as straight football players, they shouldn’t think of me as a gay football player. The reason I always intended to keep it a secret is I know it’s the label that will get slapped on me from this point forward. When I have a bad game, someone’s going to attribute it to me being gay. If I start breaking records left and right, I’ll still be known as Zach Kendricks, the gay wide receiver for Wilmington. No one will think twice about using that label on me, but they’d never think of calling deShawn a black tight end.”

  “You’re right,” I agreed. “You don’t need to convince me, I just wanted to hear why you make the distinction in your own mind.”

  We didn’t say much after that; we just sat in the living room looking out over the countryside. I’d always loved being out here because it was peaceful. Listening to Zach breathe, feeling his hand rubbing my arm as he held me, it was hard to stay upset with him. I knew I needed to confront him, but I didn’t want to upset him. He’d really screwed up today, because once I turned that footage over to the producers, there was nothing I’d be able to do to stop them from using it how they saw fit. If I didn’t tell him what he’d gotten himself into, I’d be just as guilty as the company I worked for if they twisted what’d happened around to fit their needs. I’d made myself a promise after the first production meeting in Raleigh that I’d do whatever it took to help Zach; now it was time to follow through.

  I leaned my head on his shoulder, wishing we could hold on to this calm feeling just a bit longer. “I know why you did that, but you shouldn’t have.”

  “What do you mean?” Zach pressed his lips to the top of my head. “You were upset, and I wanted to make it better. You caught hell at work because you weren’t getting any good footage of me, so I gave it to you.”

  “Yeah, but you shouldn’t have done that,” I reiterated. “I know how these guys work. They can take that conversation and make it seem like something totally different from what it was. And as much as I’d like to help you out, there’s nothing I can do to stop them.”

  “They wouldn’t do that, would they?” Zach’s naïveté would’ve been cute if it wasn’t so damn frustrating.

  “Yeah, they would. They’re in the business of making good television,” I pointed out. “They could cut and paste shit back together to make it sound like your dad’s the biggest homophobe that ever walked the earth if they wanted to, and it’d be out there before you could dispute the truth in their claims.”

  “Maybe, but if they do, I’ll have my lawyer on the phone so fast they won’t know what hit them,” he argued. “I don’t see what the big deal is. You needed something interesting to turn in. I needed to figure out a way to come out without making some huge announcement. Two birds, one stone. Done.”

  “It’s not that simple.” I sat up quickly, clobbering the top of my head on Zach’s chin. Both of us cursed, bringing Grace rushing back into the room.

  “Everything okay, boys?” she asked. There was far too much uncertainty in our lives for her to be looking at us with that sappy grin on her face. She was probably in there dreaming about our big gay wedding, and we were out here arguing because Zach had blinders on to how the real world worked.

  “Just peachy, Ma,” Zach lied. He waited until she’d left the room before he came at me again. “I thought you’d be happy. Once the show airs, I won’t be in the closet to anyone. And your job is safe now, because I can guarantee none of the other guys will have anything like you just recorded.”

  “That’s the problem, Zach,” I argued, my voice a bit louder now. “You think I’ll turn that in, they’ll splice it into a few promos, and the world will see what a well-adjusted person you are and how much your family loves you. That’s what we saw here today, if you don’t take into account the way your dad got stormed out because he’s sure you just pissed away your career for the guy who left you high and dry once before�
��but there’s no way in hell that’s what the rest of the world is going to see. And I hate it. I hate that this is going to come back to bite you in the ass and there’s nothing I can do now to stop it.”

  “What you can stop is trying to protect me,” Zach shot back. “I’m so sick and tired of everyone thinking I can’t make a good decision without help. I knew this morning when I called my parents that Dad was going to be pissed off at me. But I didn’t let that stop me, because it’s time for me to stand up to him and live my own life. I can’t do that if I keep listening to him telling me how anything I do will send me from the starting line to the unemployment line. Because he’s full of shit. He’s a bitter, insecure man who gave up his own dreams for his family. And while that’s admirable, he’s miserable because of it and he can’t handle anyone else being happy. It’s who he is. Now, can we stop bickering? I know you’re worried about me, but you need to trust that I know what I’m doing.”

  “We can stop arguing, but I can’t promise I’ll ever stop worrying,” I admitted to him. Between last night and today, I felt physically and emotionally drained. If we were going to stick around for dinner, I wanted to get a quick nap, because Zach’s dad would hate me even more if I fell asleep at the dinner table. I leaned back against Zach, resting my head on his shoulder with my feet dangling over the arm of the couch. “Is this okay?”

  “Yeah, it’s perfect.” He tilted his head back and closed his eyes.

  Twelve

  (Zach)

  All in all, the day hadn’t been a bad one. Griffin was still upset that I’d blindsided him, but I didn’t regret it. It was kind of sweet to see how he worried about what the production staff would do with the footage of me telling my parents that I’d come out to my teammates and they didn’t have to protect my secret any longer. At the same time, I was pretty sure he was overreacting. There were some shows out there that seemed more like a poorly written script than reality TV, but Outside the Pocket was never one of them.