Hopeful Hearts

by Diann Hunt

  Each time it seemed they were drawing closer, something would happen to make him pull away. The only thing she could imagine to hold him back was Catherine.

  How can I compete with memories? What do I do when the “other woman” is no longer living? Josiah’s love is buried with Catherine, and I have to accept it.

  Stopping for a moment, Adelaide reached for a seashell that had found its way a distance from the shore. She turned it over in her palm, examining the tiny crevices.

  She straightened and held the shell in her hand. She decided to keep it. Most likely, she would never come to the island again.

  Choices. How much she had learned about choices. Why hadn’t she sought God’s heart before saying yes to Josiah? Would He have led her to marry him? Would He have whispered no to her heart? Her footsteps carried her to a large rock. She sat on it. The ocean waves stirred with a slight wind. Sounds of the sea calmed her spirit.

  How could she be so cold as to turn down mothering Josiah’s daughter just because the little girl belonged to another woman? There was no doubt in Adelaide’s mind she could and would love the child. What she feared was if the girl looked like Catherine. Would the resemblance be a constant reminder to Josiah of his love for his late wife? Could Adelaide bear to always live in the shadow of another?

  Hot tears stung her eyes. She swiped at the tears with the back of her hand. Why couldn’t she be strong? She knew Josiah cared about her, but he had never indicated he loved her. If only Adelaide knew that Josiah loved her, she could bear it all, but as it was, she felt like nothing more than a hired servant.

  “Oh Ma, I wish you were here. You’d know right what to do.” Her thoughts wrestled with her heart.

  “Adelaide!”

  She turned on the rock to see Adam running her way. Dabbing once more at her face, she rose and walked toward him. A broad grin stretched across his face.

  “Adam, what is it?”

  He waved some envelopes. “We’ve got mail.”

  Energy pumped through her. She clasped her hands together.

  “You got one from Esther, and I got one as well,” he said with a hint of boasting.

  “Is that a fact?” she asked with a smile, hiding the turmoil in her heart.

  “Josiah asked that I bring this to you if I saw you. He’s tending to some repairs on the ship.”

  She nodded. “Thank you so much, Adam.”

  He handed her the envelope. “Well, I know you’re anxious to read the letter, so I’ll leave you be and let you enjoy the news from home.” He smiled again and left her.

  Adelaide headed back to her rock and settled into a comfortable position. She looked at the envelope and wondered why her mother hadn’t written. Most likely, they both had written and sent it in one envelope, she decided. Anxiously, she tore it open:

  Dearest Adelaide,

  I trust this letter finds you well. How we miss you! Our home is much too quiet since you’ve gone. Ma misses you something fierce. She tries to act brave, but you know how she is. It helps her to know you are happy with Josiah.

  Guilt pinched Adelaide’s heart. She read on.

  I regret, dear sister, to tell you Ma is not well.

  She has a bad cough. Doctor says it’s consumption.

  Adelaide’s breath caught in her throat.

  Adelaide wiped tears from her eyes once more.

  I didn’t want to tell you, but we fear she is getting worse, and, well, I didn’t know if you could get home to see her. Perhaps it is impossible to do so, but I wanted to try to reach you so you would have the choice.

  The rest of the letter was lost to Adelaide. She folded it and allowed the tears to freely flow. Too many choices already. Now she must make another. She had to get to Ma. But how? What would Josiah say? Could they make arrangements?

  She lifted a piece of her skirt to her face and dried her eyes. “Enough feeling sorry for yourself.” Adelaide looked at the sea once more and stood to her feet. She knew what she had to do.

  Chapter 16

  Though Adelaide’s emotions got the better of her at times, once she made up her mind about something, the matter was settled. Sometimes to her detriment. She pushed the thoughts of Catherine, Josiah, and “their daughter” aside. For now, she had to concentrate on getting home to her ma.

  She walked back to the cottage. Upon entering, she found Josiah waiting on the sofa, arms folded across his chest, his mouth drawn in a tight line.

  “Where have you been?” His words held a father’s discipline.

  Anger worked its way up her spine. “I’ve been thinking.” She looked him square in the face. “If you must know.”

  He stood. She could see his chest rise and fall with each breath. “Adelaide, you know it’s not proper for a woman to walk the streets unescorted. Especially in an unknown land.”

  She gritted her teeth. “I care nothing about propriety today, Josiah. I needed time to think.”

  He took a few steps toward her.

  She stepped back. “I’m going home.” She said the words more sharply than she had intended.

  He stopped. His eyes widened. His gaze never left her face. She felt a stab of regret. It’s not that she wanted to hurt him. She just needed time to think things through. More importantly, she needed to get home to Ma.

  “I see.” His gaze dropped to the floor, as if searching for what to say next.

  “Ma’s sick.”

  He looked back to her. “The letter?”

  “Yes.”

  He cautiously took a couple of steps toward her again; still she backed away. She didn’t want his nearness to cloud her thinking. He stopped again, a look of sympathy on his face. The last thing she wanted was his pity. She could tell he hadn’t expected the wall between them. Sorrow tugged at her heart.

  “You wish to travel alone?”

  She nodded.

  “I won’t let you go on just any ship.” His words left no room for argument. “You are my wife—”

  “Your cook,” she corrected.

  “And my wife.” The tone of his voice told her not to argue, which, of course, made her want to all the more. But she resisted the urge.

  “I’ll go to the docks this afternoon and see if I can find an appropriate ship on which you can sail home.”

  She couldn’t make herself look at him.

  “Adelaide, I …” He reached his arm out to her.

  “I need to get things packed,” she said, turning away from him. As much as it pained her to do so, she couldn’t deal with any more talk. Not now.

  Stepping away, she wondered if there was anything more painful than a breaking heart.

  The next morning, Josiah walked the streets toward the wharf. Salty comments and raucous laughter seeped through the air from the town’s saloon. Those sounds ultimately gave way to carpenters’ tools, scrubbing, and fragmented conversations as men worked on the ships in dock. Strange-looking birds called from a clear blue sky. Josiah barely noticed. His thoughts grew darker with every step.

  He hadn’t expected Adelaide to be so unfeeling about the news of his child. She was softhearted and kind—or so he thought. Of course, he had been wrong before. But that was another woman, another time.

  Was it so terrible for Adelaide to think of watching over his child? Did she despise him that much? A thought struck him. Maybe she didn’t like children. Surely that would not be the case. He had seen her with the children at church, and she seemed delighted to spend time with them. No, that couldn’t be it.

  His boots shuffled against the dirt road, kicking up dust behind him. A cloud of despair seemed to follow him to the dock. He wasn’t sure if he felt discouraged or angry. After all, why wouldn’t she care for his child? If Adelaide could not love his child, he certainly could not love Adelaide! Trouble was, he already did love her. Would she take his love and cast it aside the way Catherine had?

  He shook the thought from his head. Well, he would not let her go traipsing halfway across the globe in just a
ny old ship, whether she liked it or not. She was his wife, and he aimed to see her safely home. He made the decision then and there to go with her as far as Bayview. Her headstrong ways would get her into trouble one day but not as long as he could help it.

  Josiah made his way from ship to ship, asking where each one was bound, losing all hope of getting Adelaide home until he came upon the next to the last one. He found the Wallace was headed for Panama City. He talked to the captain and, through the course of the conversation, found they had a cabin that would house one guest, and Josiah could bunk out with the crew. Not ideal, but at least they could get as far as Panama City. They would have to book passage on the railroad in hopes to catch a clipper in the port of Colon on the Caribbean side. Josiah discussed the trip with the captain, and they agreed upon an appropriate price. Josiah also agreed to help with any whaling endeavors.

  Relieved to have that matter taken care of, Josiah decided his next step would be to talk to his first mate about taking over the Courage in his absence. Though at first Josiah had refused to see it, Adam Bowman had proven himself a worthy seaman time and again. Josiah had no doubt the man could handle the ship. Granting Adam the captain’s position would increase his pay substantially and possibly give him the savings he needed to go home and ask for Esther’s hand in marriage. Josiah felt a twinge of envy. If only Adelaide cared about him the same way.

  He stooped to pick up a pebble and threw it across the beach—something he did as a child when he was angry. Funny he would think of that now. Somehow, rubbing the smooth stone and throwing it made him feel better. He wasn’t sure why. Maybe he liked having control over something. Even if it was only a pebble. He certainly didn’t feel in control of anything else in his life. He’d made a mess of things, and he knew it.

  The Lord would help him through, but Josiah knew his choices brought consequences. He would pray for guidance in dealing with them.

  He turned his thoughts back toward Adam. If Adam agreed to the change, Josiah would send the necessary message to the owners of the ship and settle up the money later. Josiah would sell what oil he could in port and give Adam the instructions for his trip to the Sandwich Islands.

  He breathed a sigh of relief to have their trip scheduled. Most likely, Adelaide would be upset once she learned he would be traveling with her. Even the fiercest of whales were easier to tackle than her stubborn ways.

  Seemed like she could be a little more understanding about things. He replayed the events of the past several months in his mind. Her life had changed dramatically since he entered it. He couldn’t deny that. But then again, he hadn’t forced her to marry him. She did so of her own accord. She wanted to sail. He gave her that chance. Did that make him so bad?

  How absurd to try and fool himself. He knew his selfishness had brought on the current dilemma. His mind had told him he needed a cook, and Adelaide seemed the perfect solution. He hadn’t stopped to consider it was really his heart dictating the marriage idea.

  What did it matter how or where the idea germinated? Josiah knew that he loved Adelaide and readily admitted her help as cook on the ship had proved invaluable.

  Now with the problem of his waning strength, the idea of leaving the whaling profession seemed a very real possibility. He knew for sure he would lose Adelaide if he stripped her of the one thing she wanted most—to sail the seas. He had ruined her dreams and his own as well.

  No point in rethinking it. Maybe wrong choices had brought him to this place, but with the Lord’s help, Josiah could make right choices for their future. He didn’t know how he could fix things with Adelaide or if they could have a future together; he knew only that he would do whatever it took to make a life with her.

  With nothing settled, yet a lighter heart, he walked toward the cottage.

  But not before throwing one more pebble.

  Josiah spent the next day helping his crew make some minor repairs to the ship. They also gave the deck a good scrubbing to prepare for sailing.

  Adam was more than willing to take charge of the Courage. He all but puffed up like a rooster when Josiah presented the idea. At least that matter was settled. With the post sent informing the owners of the change, Josiah could rest a bit easier.

  By early evening, Josiah started back toward the cottage to discuss Adelaide’s departure. She was already in bed when he had gotten home the night before. With no opportunity to advise her of his news, he needed to get the information to her so she could pack. Would she look forward to leaving for more reasons than just seeing her ma?

  He couldn’t think about it. Too many problems cluttered his mind. The matter of his child surfaced. His daughter. Hard to imagine himself as a pa. With his own pa gone on a whaling ship for months at a time, Josiah had little example of what a pa should be. If he continued on the Courage, he would be the same kind of pa for his child. A pa who was never around. Was that what he wanted?

  What was he thinking? He could hardly change his whole career for this child he didn’t know. After all, what else would he do? Whaling had been his life up to now. Much as it frightened him to admit it, he couldn’t deny his weakness since the fever. He feared his whaling days were changing, but did he possess skills for any other profession? He couldn’t imagine what it would be if he did. His head hurt from thinking.

  Before his thoughts could travel further, he arrived at the cottage. He pushed through the doors and found Adelaide sitting on the sofa. She looked up from her sewing.

  “Do you have a moment to talk?”

  She nodded and laid the cloth in a nearby basket, carefully winding the thread and tucking the needle into the material. Once finished, with her hands folded in her lap, she turned her full attention to him.

  “Hear me out before you say anything.”

  Though her expression revealed her curiosity, she merely nodded.

  “I have found a ship on which you can sail to get home.”

  He noticed the way her eyes lit up when he mentioned going home. Had she hated life on the sea after all? Or was it life with him she despised?

  “The thing is …” He measured his words carefully. “I’m going with you.”

  “You can’t go with me,” she protested.

  He held up the palm of his hand. “Before you say anything else, let me tell you I’m going only as far as Bayview to pick up my daughter.” Saying those words sounded foreign to his ears, as if someone else were saying them.

  “I see.”

  What flashed across her face: disappointment, sorrow? Why? Because he was going along? “Adam will take over the Courage.”

  A slight smile played on her lips. “That’s nice for Adam.”

  “I thought it might help out his plans with Esther.”

  Adelaide almost seemed to soften. Josiah wanted to run to her, pull her into his arms, and tell her he loved her. How could he bear her going on to Yorksville? He couldn’t lose her. He just couldn’t. Neither could he ignore his own flesh and blood. Would Adelaide make him choose?

  “Will you be able to meet up with the Courage later?”

  Josiah nodded. “I expect so. I’ll worry about that after I see what’s ahead for me.” Their gazes held as if they both considered their futures might lead them in different directions.

  “How far will it take us?”

  “Panama City. From there we will board the railroad and take it to the port of Colon on the Caribbean side. At that point, we’ll catch a clipper and head for home.”

  She nodded.

  “One other thing. I thought you might like to know the captain’s wife, Elizabeth, and their five-year-old daughter, Emma, are traveling with him.” He knew the idea of female companionship would please her.

  “Wonderful!” She clasped her hands together, but then as though she’d thought better of it, she put on a serious face.

  He stared at her. When she glanced up at him, he didn’t turn away. “Once you leave for Yorksville, I will miss you, Adelaide.” He didn’t like revealing his
heart to her, but the words were spoken before he could stop them. Josiah wanted to ask her not to go, fearing he would never see her again.

  She looked as though she were about to say something then thought better of it. “What will Adam do for a cook?”

  He shrugged. “One of the crewmen. That’s how other ships do it anyway. Just whoever happens along, they pick to be cook. That’s why I wanted you. I never liked running a ship that way. Meals are important to the crew. They work better when they eat well.”

  She nodded. “When do we sail?”

  “Tomorrow. It will still be a long trip home but quicker than the Courage could have taken you.” Josiah saw the worry on her face. “You’ll make it in time, Adelaide. I’ll be praying.”

  “Thank you.”

  He saw a tear trickle down her cheek. He wanted to go to her but feared her reaction. “I guess I’ll leave you to your sewing. Just wanted you to know the arrangements had been made.”

  Adelaide bent over to pick up the material once again. “I appreciate your efforts, Josiah.”

  He tipped his head toward her then walked out of the cottage.

  With skilled fingers, Adelaide poked the needle through the material, her thoughts clearly not on sewing. She stabbed her finger. “Oh, why do I always do that?” Blood squeezed through the tip of her index finger. Adelaide grabbed a scrap of cloth and held it on the small wound.

  So Josiah would be sailing with her. Though she wanted time alone to think, she had to admit she welcomed his presence on a strange ship. Dangers lurked on such vessels, especially for women. The thought of his accompanying her calmed her somewhat.

  Life was full of changes. Certainly, she had seen many changes in the past four months. Marriage. Moving from land to sea. Now Ma was sick. The very idea of all of it overwhelmed her.

  Adelaide checked her finger. The bleeding had stopped. She folded the soiled cloth and tucked it in the basket to dispose of later. How could she sit still? Sunshine burst through the windows, and she decided she’d sit out in the yard, allowing the sea to calm her frazzled nerves. With all she had to do, though, she thought it best to pack first then go outside.