Her Secret, His Child: A Little Secret
Page 16
"No."
"What about that weekend at the resort a month or two ago? Was it as great as you said it was?"
"Better." Karen blushed.
"I think you've just been letting your imagination run away with you," Jamie told her. "Worrying over nothing."
"I don't know." Karen sat up, wiped the remaining tears from her face. "Can you honestly tell me you'd admire a woman who did nothing but change diapers, cook, clean house and watch Sesame Street as much as you'd admire that female lawyer on television or the doctor we saw today?''
"Yes." Jamie's answer was emphatic. "Do you
HER SECRET, HIS CHILD
know how much I'd give to be able to do what you're doing?"
Shaking her head, Karen grinned. "I can't believe you're saying this!"
"It's true."
Karen sobered. "Do you have any idea how envious I am of you?'' she asked, looking straight into Jamie's eyes. "You're so strong and confident. So perfect with Ashley. And you have a career. I'd have been a total loss at that convention you went to last week. But you go, wow everyone with your speech, take part in important conversations. And you look fantastic, to boot. I'll bet every man in the place wished he had a wife like you."
Karen's words destroyed what little composure she had left. Trying to hang on, Jamie studied the threads in her friend's jumper, the pattern in the crocheted afghan covering Karen's legs. An afghan Karen had made herself.
She opened her mouth and before she'd even made the decision to allow it, words started tumbling out. "You're wrong, Karen. So far wrong. You have no idea…"
Tears filled Jamie's eyes, but she refused to let them fall. Closing her eyes, she tightened her lips to stop their trembling. She could do this. Had to do this. She just couldn't run anymore.
"There is no decent man alive who'd ever want me for his wife." Her voice was devoid of emotion.
"You're nuts!" Karen said, sliding her feet to the floor. "You're every man's dream!"
Leaning her elbows on her knees, Jamie asked,
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"You ever wonder why I never talk about my parents? About my life before I came here?"
"Sometimes," Karen said slowly.
"It's because I reinvented myself when I moved to Larkspur Grove, The person you know isn't the person I am at all."
"I don't believe that, Jamie." It was Karen's turn to sound stern. "I don't care who or what you think you were, I know who you are."
Swallowing, Jamie shook her head. She'd known this was going to be hard. She'd had no idea how hard. She could only hope there'd come a point soon when the hurt just couldn't hurt any worse.
"You don't know me, Karen. You know the person I invented."
"So you're telling me you aren't honest?" Karen snorted. "That you aren't loyal and caring? 'Cause let me tell you now—you're wrong!" Karen pushed the afghan off her lap. "This morning is only one of a million examples I could give to show the type of person you are."
Somehow she had to shut Karen up. Jamie just couldn't take any more of her praise, certain as she was, that once Karen heard the truth, she'd take it all back.
She opened her mouth one more time. "I was a prostitute."
Karen shut up.
CHAPTER FOURTEEN
A full minute after Jamie's bald proclamation, Karen spoke.
"Excuse me?"
Head still bowed over her knees, Jamie said, "You heard right."
"But what—I don't believe you!"
Jamie turned her head just enough to meet Karen's shocked gaze. "Shall I tell you about some of my clients? What we did together? How much they paid to have sex with me?" With no idea what was driving her, Jamie was purposely crude. Almost as though she wanted Karen to hate her—in spite of the knowledge that the other woman would never hate her as much as she hated herself.
But as she dared to look into her friend's eyes, Jamie's wall of ice broke. Karen didn't seem disgusted or even angry at Jamie's deception, as Jamie had expected. Her eyes glowed with compassion. With love.
"Why?" Karen asked, her voice soft, without condemnation.
Jamie's tears fell slowly at first, one by one, sliding down her cheeks, until she was huddled over her knees, sobbing like she hadn't sobbed at any other
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time in her life. She cried for all she wanted to be— and wasn't. For things that could never be changed, for innocence forever lost.
Karen's arms stole slowly around her, pulling Jamie back to rest her head against Karen's shoulder.
"It's okay, love. Go ahead. Cry it all out."
The anguish poured out of Jamie, completely out of control. She tried to breathe and sobbed, instead. There was too much hurt to store up any more. And even with the tears, it didn't go away.
Karen's gentle fingers brushed the hair back from her face, tending to her as though it were Kayla or Ashley she cradled.
"I'm sorry," Jamie said when she could gulp in enough air to get the words out.
"Who told me this morning that friends don't have to apologize?"
It wasn't exactly what Jamie had said, and certainly not with such a connotation. She didn't know what to do next, where to go. Who she was anymore.
"You never answered my question," Karen said as Jamie's sobs finally quieted.
Sitting upright, Jamie looked at her, too drained to do more than ask silently for clarification.
"Why?"
Jamie shrugged, trying to find the words to explain what she herself still didn't comprehend. Not even sure how much she could bear to tell.
"My father ran out on my mom and me when I was just a baby." She hadn't intended to go that far
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back, but once started, the whole sordid tale tumbled out.
"The bastard!" Karen spat out when Jamie got to the night of her mother's funeral. "Oh, God," she said, her eyes filling with tears. "Tell me he didn't—"
Unable to speak for the fresh emotion clogging her throat, Jamie shook her head. She'd never imagined that telling someone about those years would result in anything but disgust. Karen's support was almost more than she could grasp.
She told Karen about running off that night, about the bit of money she'd had, taking a bus to Las Vegas, searching for a job, trying to get into school, find a place to live. And meeting Tom Webber.
"The bastard!" Karen cried again as soon as she mentioned Tom's name. "He put you to work! Just an innocent, frightened child! How could he?"
For the first time in what seemed like years, Jamie smiled. "No, he didn't."
"He didn't?"
"At least, not like you think."
She went on to explain her two-year relationship with her benefactor, the platonic first year, the support Tom had given her, the love.
"So what happened?" Karen's brow was furrowed as she gazed at Jamie.
' 'His wife found out about me. She showed up at my apartment."
"He was married?"
"Surprise, surprise."
"You didn't know."
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Shaking her head, Jamie asked, "Can you believe I was so stupid? So naive? I actually thought he was going to marry me."
Karen reached for Jamie's hand and held it between her palms. "I'd have thought the same thing."
"No, you wouldn't." Jamie looked down at their clasped hands. "You'd have made the right choices everywhere I made the wrong ones."
"I haven't heard any wrong ones yet."
"The man was old enough to be my grandfather!"
"And he was the first person in your life who loved you!"
Jamie glanced back up at her friend. "My mother loved me."
Lips pursed, Karen said, "That's debatable."
"No, it isn't."
"Would you have stayed married to a man who was hurting Ashley?"
"No." No matter what. She'd give her life for her daughter. Jamie supposed that admission didn't reveal her own mother in a very good light.
Okay. Maybe. Jamie didn't want to think about her mother anymore. Not today. She just didn't have the strength.
"You want a diet cola?" Karen asked, standing.
"Sure." Jamie followed her friend out to the kitchen, where she grabbed a couple of cans of cola
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from the refrigerator while Karen filled glasses with ice.
They sat at the kitchen table, a plate of cheese and crackers in front of them along with the sodas.
"So what happened after the jerk's wife came to your place?''
Jamie had known Karen wasn't going to let her stop where she'd left off. She wasn't even sure she'd wanted her to. The load was just too heavy to bear alone.
"Tom came by that night."
"The bastard!"
Again, she grinned at Karen's vehemence. Having such a loyal friend was more of a treasure than she'd ever realized.
"Not to sleep with me," Jamie assured her. "To break things off. If he didn't, his wife was going to divorce him."
"Which left you with an apartment you couldn't afford, and no ready way to pay your bills, buy groceries, cover tuition…"
Too ashamed to look at her friend, Jamie stared at the cracker between her fingers. "He offered me a solution."
"I knew it!" Karen cried. "He was a bastard."
"I guess." Jamie just didn't know anymore. "He said he had business acquaintances who'd be only too happy to pay for the same companionship I'd given Tom. Men who came to town infrequent-ly…"
Reaching across to cover Jamie's free hand where
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it lay on the table, Karen said, "Oh, hon, I'm so sorry."
Jamie shrugged. "It wasn't bad, Karen." She glanced up, meeting her friend's eyes as she finished her story. "By that point, it didn't seem like there was anything left to lose, and I have to admit they were all good to me."
"Thank God for that!"
"I don't think God looks out for whores, do you?"
"Absolutely. Besides, you weren't a whore, Jamie. You were a desperate young girl who made some desperate choices."
"I took their money."
"I take Dennis's money, too."
"That's different and you know it! You're married, the two of you—a team."
"Well, then, look at it this way. Students take-handouts all the time to get through school. Sounds like these men could afford to help you out."
For a second there, Jamie almost saw herself through Karen's eyes. "I had my rules," she said. ' 'Nothing kinky, no toys, and I never saw more than one man at a time."
"Basically, you dated Tom's friends while they were in town, and in turn they supported you."
"You make it sound a lot nicer than it was," Jamie said dryly. "In any case, I finished school— and got out."
Karen was frowning. "I thought you were still in your senior year when you got pregnant—" She broke off, her eyes wide. "Oh, no…"
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Nodding, Jamie smiled sadly. "I was working the night she was conceived…"
"Oh, God."
She nodded, fresh tears brimming in her eyes, though she wouldn't let them fall. Not again.
"But Kyle—"
"Karen, the truth is, we met at a party of Tom Webber's and I was there to work. But what happened with Kyle was… different. We talked, we really connected and we…made love. It seemed so natural and wonderful—and it was the first time for me."
"Does he know?" Karen whispered. "I mean, does he know what you did for a living?"
"Not yet, but I'm going to tell him." Jamie watched the ramifications dawn in Karen's eyes. And saw the sadness—the worry—that followed.
Kyle stopped by his favorite take-out place and bought them all teriyaki chicken and rice for dinner. Jamie had invited Karen and Kayla to join them; at Karen's suggestion they'd decided to meet at the Smith house. Karen was upstairs reading the girls a story when he arrived, laden with fragrant bags. He always looked great to Jamie, especially in his professor duds, but tonight he was like a lighthouse in a storm, calling out to her. His jeans fit his thighs as snugly as always; his jacket, a tweed, had patches on the elbows. And his hair was disheveled as though he'd been running his fingers through it all afternoon. But his eyes had warm lights in them when he smiled at her.
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Jamie reached up and kissed him hello while he still had his hands full of bags. After tonight, she might never have another chance.
Gentleman that he was, he calmly kissed her back, as though her greeting had been a perfectly natural and everyday occurrence rather than the minor miracle it was. He then set the bags on the kitchen table and started divvying up dinner.
Although the girls were overtired, they were full of tales from their day at the zoo and kept the three adults entertained right up until dessert.
Which consisted of peanut butter, bread and jelly. Kyle had forgotten dessert, but he'd brought the sandwich makings in case either of the girls didn't like teriyaki chicken.
"This is lunch, not dessert, huh, Mommy?" Ashley said, turning up her nose at the offering.
"Usually it is, sweetie, but if Daddy says it's dessert, then tonight it's dessert."
"What's dessert about peanut-butter-and-jelly sandwiches, Daddy?"
"The jelly," Kyle said. "It's pure sugar."
' 'Then can I just have jelly and bread and no peanut butter?" Kayla asked, grabbing for a slice of bread from the bag Kyle had produced.
"Just jelly it is." Kyle rescued the bread from Kayla's tight little fingers and spread it liberally with jelly.
"Mommy? Can my daddy spend the night?"
Kyle dropped the slice of bread, jelly-side down, on the table.
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Karen started to cough and buried her face in her napkin.
Jamie wanted to die.
"I don't think so, honey," she told her daughter. "Tonight's a school night and you know the rule about school nights."
"But daddies don't go to school."
"No, but little girls do."
"But Miss Jamie, if Ashley's daddy doesn't ever spend the night, then you can't be marrieds and live ever after."
"Yeah, and then I can't have my baby sister," Ashley whined.
"If Ashley gets a baby sister can I have dance, too?'' Kayla turned to her mother with tears in her eyes. "I want dance like Ashley gets."
Karen stood. "I think it's time two little girls were in bed," she said, wiping the remains of Kayla's dinner off her face.
"But can I dance, Mommy, please?"
"We'll see."
Jamie reached for a cloth to wipe her own daughter's face.
"And my daddy can spend the night, too, huh, Mommy?" Ashley asked, avoiding her mother's cloth.
Abandoning the trash he'd been collecting from the table, Kyle scooped Ashley into his arms, dirty face and all. "Not tonight, sweets," he said easily. "Daddy does go to school, remember? I took you to my school, showed you my office and the classroom where I teach."
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"Oh, yeah." Ashley was clearly disappointed. "But someday you will?" she persisted.
Kyle glanced at Jamie. "Someday, I will," he said.
Without conscious thought, Jamie sought Karen's gaze—and found what she hadn't even known she'd been seeking. Compassion. Commiseration. And courage. Tonight, as soon as Ashley was in bed, Jamie was going to tell Kyle the truth.
Beyond that, who knew?
"What's up with you and Karen?" Kyle asked, Ashley on his hip, as they crossed the yard to Jamie's house.
"Nothing. Why?" She wasn't ready. Not yet.
She told herself she had until Ashley fell asleep— and hoped the child would take a long time to close her eyes that night. Surely once Ashley got home and into her bath she'd remember a lot more stories to tell them about her day at the zoo
. Jamie hadn't heard any monkey stories yet, and Ashley loved monkeys.
"What's with the look she gave you right before we left?"
"Miss Karen had a bellyache today," Ashley reported, then promptly put her thumb in her mouth.
"I know, punkin, but she's all better now."
"She's made up her mind to tell Dennis when he gets home on Friday. I offered to keep Kayla." Conscious of Ashley's ears, Jamie worded the news carefully.
"We can take the girls to see the new Disney
HER SECRET, HIS CHILD
film," Kyle suggested agreeably, automatically assuming that he'd be spending the evening with them. After tonight, he probably wouldn't be.
As much as he adored his daughter, Kyle was glad she went right down that night. Jamie had been nervous, cagey, all evening and he needed some time alone with her.
"We have to talk," she said, the minute they were alone.
Thinking positively, the memory of her kiss still tingling his lips, Kyle sprawled in the middle of her couch, inviting her to sit next to him.
She preferred to stand, with her back braced against the fireplace. If she'd had any idea how much she was turning him on in those tight cords, the sweater that outlined her breasts so clearly, he suspected she'd have climbed inside the fireplace, instead.
"Okay, so talk," he said.
She took a deep breath. ' 'I just want you to know that if, when I've said what I have to say, you never want anything to do with me again, I'll understand. And I'll always make Ashley available to you."
Kyle sat forward. He didn't like the sound of this at all. Did she still not trust that he was in this for the long haul? Hadn't she figured out there was nothing she could do or say that was going to scare him off?
Meeting her gaze, reading the serious conviction in her eyes, he nodded.
' 'The night we met, at that party in Las Vegas, I
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was working." She was like a robot, throwing out words that had no meaning to her.
Unfortunately, they had no meaning to him, either. "Okay."
"The man we met at the dinner Saturday night, Nelson Monroe—he was one of my clients."
Forearms braced on his knees, Kyle nodded. Was that it? She thought he'd disapprove of her clients? Of the fact that she did business at parties? Half the business transactions in the world took place at social gatherings. This was making no sense.