You, Me and Us.

by Liam Hurley

  “What should we do now then?” you said.

  “Well I’m up for heading off the balcony.”

  “Not funny.”

  I looked around the flat for a moment.

  “I assume I’m moving out.”

  “Well you don’t have to.” You said. I looked at you, my eyes gave away the hope that sentence had given me. “Not right now. You can stay in the spare room whilst you get sorted.”

  “Get sorted?”

  “Yeah, find somewhere else I mean. Or go back to your old flat with the lads.”

  “Fuck that, I’m not doing that.”

  You looked at me puzzled.

  “But I know you miss them, you don’t see them as much and you always say you have a good time when you’re with them.”

  “Just no.”

  I didn’t know how to explain it to you. But moving back in with them was just too much for me. That would have been a true defeat. It would’ve been like the last few months had never happened. As if you and me and our flat was just a dream. I didn’t want to wake up.

  “So, what are you going to do?” you asked.

  “I’ll sort something.”

  “Like I said, you can stay here whilst you get sorted, a couple of days, a week, whatever.”

  “What?”

  “You can stay here for a bit.”

  “A week though? That’s all I get, one week them I’m out on my ear.”

  “No, that’s not what I mean, but do you want to stay here if we’re not together?”

  “No, but we were together half an hour ago, God give me some time.” I said.

  I stood up and walked into the bedroom. I pushed the door behind me and started to scan the room. I really didn’t have much stuff. I walked to the wardrobe and pulled it open. Thankfully I’ve always been fairly messy so all my clothes were in a ready-made heap to shove into my suitcase. I wandered around the room and grabbed items that belonged to me. My emotions again were being held at bay by a dull task. I was focusing on this scavenger hunt and returning items to my case. Eventually I realised that I’d gathered all my belongings up and sat down on my suitcase to ensure it zipped shut. I tilted it up and pulled it towards the door. I turned around and gave one last fleeting glance at the bedroom. I sighed and opened the door.

  “That was quick.” You said.

  “Yeah well. You know.” I had no response.

  I dragged the case over to the corridor just outside the spare room. I pulled the handle down on the spare room door and walked inside. I looked around at what had become my pit for the last week or so. It was a mess. I found my other suitcase and rucksack under the bed and began to throw my other things in them. It was time for my books, DVDs, electronics to be put away now. Again the task gave me some breathing space. I pulled the second suitcase out the room and placed it next to the first one. As I turned around in the corridor I noticed that you’d left the couch and had gone out onto the balcony.

  I turned my attention to the bathroom and started to grab my toiletries and drop them into my rucksack. After a few minutes it was full and I added it to the pile in the corridor. You were still out on the balcony so I took my chance to look around the front room and kitchen. I smiled to myself in spite of the sadness I was feeling, thinking about the good times I’d had here. The accidental joint, the meals we’d shared, the nights in front of the TV, coming home at 4am to find some Mexican food on the side and a note from you. I shook my head.

  I peeked out of the curtain and saw that you were smoking again off the balcony. You also had your phone in your hands. I bitterly wondered if you were messaging your friends or Daniel in celebration but it was more likely you were setting a new high score on Cupcakes and Cats 2.

  I pulled away from the window and stood next to the sink. My phone was in my hands in moments and before my conscious thought could catch up I was hearing the sound of ringing.

  “Hello?” came Joe’s voice from the other end.

  “Alright mate.” I said.

  “Good Jim, you?”

  “Yeah I’m okay.” I paused for a second trying to think of the next words.

  “What’s up?”

  “Just erm. Well. Have the brewery found anyone for the flat upstairs?”

  “No mate, it’s not even been decorated or anything yet.”

  “Good.”

  “Why?”

  I found it difficult to speak at this stage, I knew if I was going to say the next few words then it would mean that this would become a reality. Not something I was ready to do really.

  “Jim?”

  “Yeah, er, can I live there?”

  “What? Why?”

  “Just more issues here. But can I?”

  “Well it’s not ready mate. I don’t even think there’s electric working up there properly.”

  “Please mate.” My voice cracked.

  “Fine. But trust me it’s a shit hole. When do you need to get in?”

  “Erm, now?”

  “Now?”

  “Yeah, I wouldn’t ask if it wasn’t urgent.”

  “Fuck’s sake. Fine. I’ll meet you there, give me an hour.”

  “Thanks.”

  I pushed the red button on my screen and shoved my phone back into my pocket. I looked around at my suitcases and rucksack and walked towards them. As I started to pick them up I heard you push the curtains to one side and re-enter the living room.

  “What you doing?”

  “Erm, I’m going. I’ve managed to sort somewhere.”

  “Oh right.”

  “Well it’s what you wanted isn’t it?”

  “It’s just a bit sudden.”

  “I can’t stay here. Sorry.”

  We stared across the open space between us and looked into each other’s eyes. I smiled softly at you and you returned it. I could feel the swelling of pain in my chest rise but I forced it down with a deep swallow.

  “So.” You said.

  “Yep.”

  You started to move across the room from the balcony doors. It was almost as if you were coming at me in slow motion. You dodged the couches and moved the kitchen stool to one side. You stepped closer and closer to me. I could see your eyes glitter as the light from above us bounced down onto your face. You were just inches away from me. I wondered what was coming, it looked for a second as if you were going to lean in and kiss me. You got within touching distance, and from the corner of my eyes I saw your arms wrap around my shoulders. I guided my arms around your waist and we hugged again. I felt your back curve as you pushed your bottom half away from me. It was a friend’s hug.

  You pulled away and I bent down to pick up my rucksack. I slung it over my shoulder and wrapped both hands around the handles of my suitcases. I pulled my luggage towards me and turned to the front door. As I twisted the lock down I turned back to you and nodded.

  You were fixed to the spot where we’d hugged. I stepped out into the corridor. The door started to close. Your mouth began to move as the door was nearly shut.

  “Bye Jimmy.”

  The door shut.

  “Bye.” I mouthed to it.

  Part II - Me

  Chapter Eleven- Into the Darkness

  Joe wasn’t lying when he said the flat was a shit hole. The main room of the flat contained the living area, bedroom and kitchen. I could make toast from the single mattress on the floor I called a bed. There was a separate bathroom which also had a washing machine crammed in it meaning you couldn’t close the bathroom door. Half of the flat didn’t have carpet down, just floor boards, and the one part of the flat which was carpeted was so dirty I was thinking about ripping it up rather than attempting to unpack the ‘wonder-vac’.

  Thinking was all I did for the first few days after I moved in. Mostly my thoughts were of Erin of course. Where was she? What was she doing? Who was she with? I lay in bed for those first 72 hours, only becoming vertical to go to the bathroom, stared into the blank space above me. I couldn’t stop replaying th
e night we broke up over and over in my head. How could I have let this happen? I’d lost the love of my life. All because of my stupid jealousy. I’d already sort of gotten over the pictures on Erin’s computer. I must have done something to push her to Daniel. I couldn’t believe how much I’d fucked it all up.

  Joe came up to check in on me from time to time. He brought news from the outside world as there was no Internet and the electricity was always on the blink in the flat. We shared some microwavable burgers and he clued me in on all the football results from the mid-week games. I made all the right noises at the right times. Of course, on the first night he asked me what had happened with Erin. I told him we’d come to mutual agreement to part ways, and clearly that was why I was lay in my dressing gown with red eyes eating a burger made from 13% beef.

  It took a full four days in my self-imposed exile for my brain to start functioning properly again. Thursday had started like the previous three had, with me waking up around noon and staring at the ceiling. I took a few minutes to wallow in the fresh misery of the morning time. I’d woken up and forgotten again that Erin had left me, each morning I had to remind myself what had happened. I rolled over and grabbed my phone from the side of the bed. I was contemplating having a look at Erin’s social media as per my normal morning routine, however I was instead greeted on my home screen to a message from Ryan.

  Ryan Thorne

  Alright mate, what time do you want to meet up tomorrow? Thinking about 2? Gig starts at 7 so it gives us some time for a sound check and tech run.

  Shit. I’d forgotten all about the gig. I twiddled my thumbs around as I clasped my phone between my hands. I was wondering what excuse I could give Ryan to get out of the gig. My mind went from genital warts to the witness protection scheme but I knew Ryan wouldn’t accept anything. It was the biggest gig of our lives. Still though, there was no way I could spend a lot of time with Ryan and Tom, because if I did I knew it would come out and if that happened I wouldn’t be able to perform anywhere near my best. I typed my reply.

  Can’t make it any time before the gig, Joe’s forcing me to work a few hours before we open so I can get the night off. Sorry. See you at the gig, I should get there about two hours before it starts.

  I pushed send. It seemed plausible enough, I knew Ryan would be pissed off but I really didn’t care. Whilst I was in my messages I opened up Erin’s chain. There had been no communication between us for three days now. That was the longest we’d gone without speaking in the six months we’d known each other. I was amazed that I’d only known her for 6 months. It seemed like a lifetime.

  Throughout Thursday I tried my best to do some vocal exercises to ensure I was in tip-top shape. However, I just wasn’t with it. I knew the importance of the gig really, I did, but as much as I tried the worst it got. Every time I went to sing or even hit some notes my throat seized up. As it got closer to the evening I gave up all together.

  I decided to spend the night outside the flat for the first time. I made the long trip downstairs to sit at the bar as Joe and the other staff poured drinks during student night. I decided to drink whiskey with honey and ice to keep my throat soothed. The bar was pretty empty so I wasn’t disturbed at all and managed to make my way through about 3/4s of a bottle and a big dint out of wage for the weekend, as I’d put the drinks on the slate. I eventually dragged myself upstairs and was sick hunched over the washing machine into the seat-less toilet in my new home. I crashed into bed and checked the time; it was 2.52am. And for the fourth night running, I wondered where Erin was, what she was doing, and whom she was with.

  Waking up on the day of the gig was difficult. A few reasons made this so, first of all I was super hungover. Secondly, I was slightly concerned I wouldn’t be able to give my best performance. And finally, I missed Erin so much. She’d have known what to say to me in this situation. She’d get me excited for the gig and fill me with confidence. Or she’d go out and get me a McDonald’s to help soothe the hangover. I couldn’t imagine what she’d say to ease missing her. Because I never imagined I’d ever have to ask her.

  I slowly dragged myself out of bed and found myself staring in the mirror at my naked form. Even though the mirror was covered in smudges and stains, I was still the most disgusting thing in my vision. I really stared at myself for what felt like the first time in a long time. I truly did have a disgusting body. I was overweight, but that was only one of my problems. My skin was blotchy and pale at the same time. I had stretch marks dug deeply into my stomach and arms. And my shaved head made me look like a snowman. I shook my head and looked away as quickly as possible.

  I managed to wash myself in the sink of my kitchen area as the water still wasn’t running through the shower and dressed myself in something somewhere near gig-appropriate. I decided to go for jogging bottoms and a baggy black t-shirt. My jeans had become increasingly uncomfortable and I didn’t want to spend the entire day feeling like my bottom half was having the blood slowly cut off from it in preparation for a disembowelment. I grabbed a few things, stuck my sunglasses over my face and headed outside.

  I had a good few hours to kill before having to head towards the venue so I decided to head into town to distract myself. And by distract myself I meant eat my weight in pizza and drink beer. It felt like a good plan. The sun was glared down at me as an odd autumn warmth was hanging over Manchester for the first time since the Romans started building it. I made my way towards town and tried to ignore the beads of sweat dripping down my face. After some time, I found myself outside my favourite chain restaurants on Market Street. I pushed the door open to be greeted by a young female server.

  “Good afternoon.” She chimed.

  I looked up to her and saw the large customer service smile splattered across her face. She was pretty. I stared at her for a few seconds longer than needed.

  “Hi, erm, can I have a table please?”

  “For one?”

  “No no, for me and all my friends.” I said, and turned around to show her I was very much alone.

  “Sorry?” she said.

  “Erm, nothing. One please yeah.”

  “Right this way.”

  I put my head down and followed the waitress through the restaurant. A small family were currently diving into the lunchtime special around a large circular table in the centre of the room. I kept my head down as I passed them for no real reason, I just wanted to sit alone and in peace. The waitress stopped at a small table in the corner of the room. She pulled an empty chair out for me and I sat down in it.

  “Thank you.”

  “No problem, do you want a drink to start?”

  “Please. Can I just get the draft IPA?”

  “Sure, do you know what food you want?”

  “Yeah can I get the American Classic please” I should’ve just called it ‘the usual’.

  The waitress grinned at me and snapped her notebook shut. She turned and walked to the bar and gave my order to the barman. I looked around the restaurant and started to realise I knew pretty much every square inch of the place. I could see exactly where the wall paper had been rolled onto the wall as the pattern was very slightly out of sync. I scanned my eyes across the room to the clock positioned over the entrance to check if it was still stuck on 2:10. It was, it had been that way for weeks.

  The waitress returned with my beer a second later and placed it in front of me with a napkin.

  “Thank you.”

  “Anything else I can do for you whilst I’m here?”

  “Yeah, what time is it?”

  The waitress eyed me suspiciously and looked down at my phone. I just smiled back at her. She turned and looked at the stopped clock. She turned back to me and squinted her eyes.

  “Just because it’s been ten past two every time I’ve been here and I’m worrying it’s become a habit.” I said with a smile.

  “Oh yeah it’s been stuck a while.”

  “Since ten past two, on at least one day.”

  “Ha
, yeah.” She laughed. “Is there anything else though?”

  “No, it’s fine.”

  She smiled again and walked away. I’d been out the game a while but I felt that this was genuinely going well. She’d smiled a lot and seemed to find me funny. Maybe I wasn’t destined to live in a world of misery and darkness? The waitress was stood at the bar with the barman. She was pretty. Not my normal type, but I wasn’t in a position to be picky. If a girl liked me I really couldn’t be too hung up on how she looked. To be honest if a girl showed an interest in me I would actually judge her a bit, what was wrong with her if she was showing an interest in me? But, I could put all that aside for the waitress. She seemed to really get me, and what a perfect day for her to come into my life. Just on the day I needed a confidence boost, she was here to provide it.