by Liam Hurley
She laughed again. I was sinking. The chess board disappeared. The darkness swallowed me.
I shot up in bed. The sweat was pouring cold and thick down my back and face.
It was the fifth night in a row I’d dreamt about Erin.
Whack.
“That’s it Jimmy, again!”
Whack
“Nice. One-two.”
Whack, whack.
“And jab.”
Whack
“One-two, hook.”
Whack, whack. Whack.
“Finish strong now, left, right and an uppercut.”
Whack, whack, whack.
“And time! That’s it Jimmy dry off.”
Antonio threw a small towel at me. I caught it in between my gloves and started to rub my head and face with it. I was soaked through with sweat.
“That was good work Jim, good work.”
“Thanks.” I said through deep breaths.
I knelt down and felt my chest rise and fall. I was exhausted. I’d managed to achieve the mythical ‘whack’ of the gloves hitting the bag about eight weeks earlier.
“Get showered, and I’ll meet you downstairs.”
Antonio patted me on the back and walked towards the exit. I shoved the Velcro strap on my gloves in my mouth and ripped them open with my teeth. My knuckles had visible red stripes on them where the skin was starting to peel away. My fingers were shaking.
I turned the shower to cold and stood under the freezing stream letting the water run down my back and face. I held my hands out on the wall in front of me and took deep breaths.
Why was she haunting me like this? I should’ve been over her by now. I was doing all the rights things you’re supposed to do. Taking care of my body, working hard, dating. And on my good days, when the sun shone bright, I’d feel like I could take on the world, as if I was the king of my own jungle. But then Erin would float into my subconscious and reign over my parade.
It was frustrating to feel like that. It was as if I had no power over my life. I was trying my best to regain control, but how could I do that if someone I hadn’t even spoken to in nearly a year could still change my mood without even being in contact?
It felt futile to try and fight it. I just had to let her, well my memories and thoughts of her, be the driving force. I could use them as motivation. At least it’d help me run. Run far away.
I made my way down the shaking iron stairs and met Antonio in the reception.
“Come on Jimmy, quickly, I have a session in ten minutes.”
“I’m coming calm down.”
I walked towards Antonio and he pushed the scales out to me. I dropped my bag kicked my trainers off and unzipped my hoody. I took a quick scan around the room to make sure we were alone. I still wasn’t used to doing this. I inhaled deeply and pulled my joggers down. I then pulled my t shirt over my head to leave me in just my boxers. I glanced at the window again.
“Who are you looking for Jimmy?”
“What?” I turned back to Antonio. “Oh no one, I just think if anyone were to walk past this would look odd.”
“Only if I take off my shirt as well.”
I laughed and looked down at the scales. I had been standing on these for a while now but the nervous energy I got right before a weigh-in never left me. I stepped onto the scales.
The black line on the screen flashed for a few moments.
14 stone 5 lbs.
Antonio clapped his hands together.
“That’s it Jimmy! Five stone! Fantastique!”
I nodded and stepped off the scales. I turned around, grabbed my t shirt from the floor and pulled it over my head.
“Hey Jimmy, five stones!”
I smiled at Antonio.
“Yeah, yeah. On to the next one.”
I picked my joggers up.
“What is wrong Jimmy?”
“Nothing.”
I pulled my joggers on each leg and shoved my feet back into my shoes. As I pulled my body back upright to vertical I saw that Antonio was staring a hole in me.
“Speak to me Jimmy, what is going on?”
“I’m just not in the best mood.”
I shoved my arms into my hoody and hooked it over my shoulders.
“What has happened?”
“I had a dream about my ex.”
“A dream?”
“I know, it’s stupid, but it’s just messed with my head.”
I picked my bag up and smiled at Antonio.
“Anyway.” I continued. “Five stone, yeah. I’ll be in tomorrow.”
I turned to walk away.
“Jimmy.”
I turned around, Antonio was sat behind the desk.
“Right, how do you move that quick?”
“Jimmy, sit with me.”
I sighed, walked back to the desk and took a seat across from him.
“Tell me of this dream.”
He leant back in his chair and let his eyes zone in on me. I shifted uncomfortably.
“I can’t remember it really. She was asking for me back. And I didn’t want to, but then I did, then she started laughing and said she was joking. It was nothing. But yeah, it’s just stuck with me.”
“It is just a dream Jimmy.”
“I know that, but like I said, it’s just messed with my head a bit.”
“Why?”
“Why? I don’t know.” I said.
“Do you want her back?”
I thought for a moment.
“No. No. For one, if we were still together I wouldn’t have ever lost weight. And I’m just a better person now. Happier.”
“Happier?”
“Yeah most of the time.”
“Most of the time?”
Antonio had an infuriating way of just repeating what I’d said back to me.
“Yes. Just sometimes when I dream about her it messes me up for a day or two.”
“Do you dream about her often?”
“Erm. Relatively.” I said, thinking about the past five nights where I’d woken in a cold sweat.
“And what are these dreams about?”
“Mostly the same, she wants me back then fucks me off.”
“Did this relationship end badly?”
“I’ve lost five stone in five months, what do you think?”
Antonio smiled at me.
“When did it end?”
“Erm… about eight months ago.”
“Have you seen her since?”
“No. Not at all. Don’t want to either.”
“I think it would be good for you. It may give you closure.”
“Alright Antonio, this isn’t a therapy session.”
He smiled again.
“No, it is not.”
“What does that even mean anyway, ‘closure’, what would seeing her achieve?”
“Tell me Jimmy, what does losing weight, quitting smoking and eating well achieve?”
“I get to live longer.” I said.
“And what good would a long life be if it was full of unanswered questions.”
“I don’t follow.”
“Jimmy, your ex. She is an unanswered question. You need to find those answers. And she is the only one that has them.”
“But I don’t have any questions for her.”
“Maybe not up here.” He pointed to my head. “But perhaps.” He moved his finger down to my chest. “In here.”
The cloud of Erin continued to hang over me as the day went on. I tried to continue with my normal routine after I left the Centre but I couldn’t shake the feeling of dread and anxious energy which had been a week-long presence since she’d re-entered my subconscious in the night time.
I couldn’t pin point why this had happened all of sudden but I knew it wasn’t a good thing. I didn’t think much of Antonio’s suggestion either. Speaking to Erin, God seeing Erin seemed like an impossibility. What good would it achieve? She’d probably still be dating Daniel. I could just imagine me sat there as she went
on about how great they were together. I’d come to the understanding now that even though I saw our relationship as some big life-altering shift for me, to her it was just a stepping stone to Daniel. They were the real couple. I was just a speed-bump in their race to the finish. They were the stars of the show, I was an extra.
It felt shit to be that. I didn’t need closure or some big moment with Erin. I needed to forget it ever happened.
Later in the day I made a trip to the office to sort out my shifts for the next few weeks. Gemma had taken some time off recently so I decided to do it face-to-face and lend my support rather than sending her a bland message asking for my dates. I found her buried in a pile of papers at her desk.
“See this is why you shouldn’t take time off.”
Her head popped up, her red hair caught in the movement and whipped around her face. She brushed it away to reveal a big bold smile.
“Jimmy!”
She jumped up out of her chair and threw herself at me with a hug. I counted the seconds; 1…2…3…4. She was holding me just a smidge too tightly. I pulled away from her.
“Look at you!” she said. “You’ve lost even more, how much is it now?”
“Erm. Like five stone.”
“Amazing!” she grinned widely.
“Thanks. How are you?” I said.
“Oh, you know… nightmare moving as it always is.” She shrugged.
“How’s the new place?”
“Small. But it’s all mine, so can’t complain.”
“Independence eh? You should get a cat. Actually, get three cats. Crazy cat lady.”
“I hate cats.”
“You hate me but you still put up with me.”
“That’s true.” She smiled.
She took her seat back on the ‘bosses’ side and I sat on mine. I looked around the office. It was empty.
“Where’s Peter?”
“I gave him the day off; he’s done so much for the past two weeks without me he deserved it.”
“Fair enough.”
We looked at each other. I raised my eyebrows.
“So, I just wondered what you need me for next week?”
“Oh… yeah of course.” She dived back into the pile of papers. “So…. I’ve got a tour two on Monday morning, followed by a tour three in the afternoon, then Thursday there’s a tour one?”
“Sounds good.”
“Oh, and there’s a guy who wants a tour of the train stations? He’s from a group of train spotters who are planning a day out.”
“Train spotters?”
“Yep.”
“And their day out is going to be in train stations?”
“Apparently so.”
“Eurgh, sounds awful. Aren’t train spotters all weird?”
“He seems normal… it’s a two-person job.”
“I am not spending another day with Igor. I can’t take another eight hours of ‘Kremlin this, and Putin that.’ It’s really depressing.”
“No, erm, I was going to do it.” She said with a grin.
“How much?”
“Fifty? Probably good tips too,”
“Fuck it, why not.”
“Brilliant.”
We smiled at one another.
“How’s Steve?” I asked.
Gemma’s smile dropped.
“Not sure, he was a bit cut up on the day I left, but not heard from him since.”
“Course. Well it’s a big change for you both.”
“Yeah, I feel bad but it’s been coming for years, one of us needed to do it.”
“Anyway, you can get on Tinder now; you’d clean up on there.” I said.
“No thanks, that’s really not my scene.”
“I thought the same thing, but then Peter told me to get on it because he does so well on it and, genuinely, it’s not been the worst thing in the world.”
“Peter told you?”
“Yeah. Why?”
“I just never thought he struggled to find dates in real life, the amount of men who’ve shown up here to take him for lunch somewhere… it’s staggering.”
“I bet he was staggering afterwards.”
“Jimmy!” she reached across the table and slapped me on the arm. “So, you been out with many girls?”
“A few. Nothing serious.” I added.
“George was asking after you. She helped me set up my new bed.”
“Ah. Yeah well. You know.”
“I don’t actually, are you ever going to tell me what happened with you two?”
I coughed.
“’Scuse me. So, she’s been helping you get all set up then?”
“Oh yeah, she’s been a big help. It’s important to have friends around you.”
“It is.”
We sat in silence for a moment. I contemplated making a coffee, but just as I was wondering whether I could get away with a biscuit, Gemma’s phone rang. I saw Steve’s picture flash up on her home screen.
“I’ll leave you to it Gem.”
She was staring at her phone.
“I… what does he want?”
“Answer it. You’ll find out.”
She continued to look at the phone. We both kept our gaze fixed on it as it continued to ring and buzz.
“Gem?” I said.
The phone stopped ringing. The picture of Steve’s smiling face was replaced by a message that read;
One missed call- Steven.
“I don’t know why he’d ring me.”
“Maybe he just wants to see-.”
I was cut off by the phone springing to life again with a ring, and Steve’s face once more shining up at us.
“I’ll go Gem; I’ll see you Monday yeah?”
She smiled at me and waved as she picked up her phone and pushed ‘answer’.
“Hi Steven.” She said into the phone.
I stood up and walked out of the exit.
My meeting with Gemma had confirmed it, there was no way I could get in touch with Erin. If she was reluctant to speak to her ex-boyfriend who she’d left all of a month ago, (after a ten-year relationship nonetheless), why would Erin speak to me? We broke up eight months ago and were only together for five! I was barely a splash in the ocean of her life. The only reason she meant more to me is because I let her be more. I let myself fall for her, and I messed up the relationship, why should I burden her with it anymore? Really it wasn’t fair.
I kicked my feet down Deansgate towards the Centre to retrieve my car. I pulled my phone from my pocket. Gemma was right about something else, you really do need your friends in life. And I’d been an absent friend for far too long. I started to type.
Hi both. What you up to this weekend? Feel like I’ve not been round in forever. Fancy a beer?
I scrolled through my contacts.
Tom Curran
Ryan Thorne
I ticked both of their names and hit ‘send message’. In a way Antonio was right, I needed to make amends, let things go, but not with Erin, with my friends. Hopefully, they still were my friends.
Chapter Twenty-Two – Coming Clean
Is it weird that as a heterosexual male I wanted to look good for two guys? I’m not 100% sure, but I certainly did want to. I chose the newest and blackest jeans in my wardrobe and an extremely snug black t shirt. I looked at myself in the mirror. I resembled Posh Spice in the Say You’ll Be There video. At least I looked slim. Well maybe not slim, but at least less fat than previously. I was content with how I looked.
However, I was not content with my feelings. Going to Ryan and Tom’s after not seeing them for eight months was awful. They were my two loyalist friends and I’d been absent for too long. Worst of all it wasn’t due to anything they’d done. It was all me.