Awake Asleep Dreaming Dead

by John Siwicki

  I should have written that down, but how? I don’t have a pencil. How will I ever remember it? I won’t be able to.

  ESCAPE

  The fly came back again and again. What do you want from me? Sam shouted, and it flew away, but it just kept coming back.

  I’m dying here, Sam thought. This is it. I’m going to rot here on the side of this hill alone. I’ll take my last breath of air, close my eyes, and release my spirit. After my heart stops beating, animals will eat the flesh off my bones, the crows will clean them, then the flies and maggots will return my carcass to the earth.

  Sam looked over the hillside, and saw beauty no one else could. Can I give all of this up for the unknown? he thought. No! Can’t give in, can’t give up, can’t give in. And repeated the saying, What doesn’t kill me . . . shit! he yelled, and couldn’t finish the second half of it. I’m tired, and going to die here.

  A sparrow landed on a nearby branch and began singing a sweet melody.

  Hi Bird, Sam said, and whistled back.

  This went on for a while, the bird singing, and Sam answering.

  What should I call you, Sam said. Have you met the Jewelry Store Fly? You look like the bird in the movie about the bird man, Don Stroud. I think I’ll call you, Alcatraz.

  The bird continued singing while moving from branch to branch, higher and higher, then flew away. Sam watched Alcatraz vanish into the clouds.

  It must be fantastic to fly. To open your wings any time, and glide up and over the earth. Maybe I should have tied a message to its leg—probably a slim chance anyone would get it, though.

  Sam looked down at his leg because he felt the pain coming back.

  Maybe that’s a good sign, and moaned. Time to get moving.

  He pulled his broken body up the rope, his voice straining, his arms fatigued.

  Well, at least I’m making progress, slow but sure.

  Above was Sam’s next target, a big flat horizontal rock.

  If I can just make it up to that rock, I’d be a fourth of the way up.

  He focused on the stone, alternating one hand over the other.

  Pull, he grunted. Is this my last burst of energy? My last wind. Will I fall back down? I hope not.

  Then Alcatraz landed on the stone, sat there a moment, and began singing a melody again. It sounded like the bird wanted Sam to keep climbing, encouraging him, so he did.

  As he edged closer, said, Hey, buddy, keep singing for me. Glad to see you again. It’s nice to have the company. Just stay there, and wait for me, okay.

  A couple of pulls of the rope, and with newfound energy he yelled. I’m going to make it, he yelled. I’m going to get there, and started singing a marching song from boot camp. It was about a bird. First he hummed it, then the words came out.

  A yellow bird, 2-3-4, with a yellow bill, 2-3-4, landed on, 2-3-4, my window sill, 2-3-4, I lured it in, 2-3-4, with crumbs of bread, 2-3-4, and then I kissed it, 2-3-4, on the head.

  Almost there . . . Sam said, and let out a gasp as his hands scratched at the rock.

  He muscled his body over the edge, up on the rock, then collapsed short of breath, his heart still beating like a race horse rounding the last leg.

  Is this how horses feel, I wonder? I can’t lift a finger, or move a muscle.

  Sam closed his eyes, and passed out with his face flat on the rock, drool falling from the corner of his mouth.

  When Sam opened his eyes he was surprised to see Alcatraz perched on the rock. The bird was hammering way at something on the stone with its beak.

  What’s that?

  As he watched, he realized it was a piece of worm.

  I’d have to be pretty hungry to eat a worm, Sam said. His lips tightened. Of course I’m hungry. So hungry I could eat anything. Maybe—even—a worm.

  Then Alcatraz flew off, and returned a short time later with another worm.

  You want me to eat that? Sam said, as his stomach growled. How bad can it be? he mumbled. Any nourishment is better than nothing. Like getting an acquired taste, the more you eat it, the more you like it.

  Sam reached out with his hand and grabbed the worm. Alcatraz fluttered a little, but kept his ground. His hand moved slowly, then he picked it up. The worm wiggled between his thumb and index finger. It was slimy and tried to slither away, but he squeezed firmly.

  Better not to think about it too much, and just get it over with. Who knows, it might not be all bad. Sam closed his eyes, put the worm in his mouth, and chewed.

  He gagged, then took a swig of water.

  Oh, man, that’s awful, he said, and swished the water around in his mouth. Alcatraz flew away, and returned with more worms. Sam went through the same ritual, gagging, swishing the water, and swallowing the worm.

  A man will do anything if he’s hungry enough, he said, then passed out.

  Sam woke parched with rills of sweat running down his face.

  Man, it’s getting hot!

  He turned toward the hill measuring the distance that he still had to go looking for a path, trail, or any possible way for a guy in his current state to make it to the top.

  This part coming up is steeper than what I’ve just climbed. It’s going to take a hell of a lot of energy. I’ve got to rest before I try.

  Sam took out the water bottle, and checked what he had left.

  I have to save the rest of the water for the climb.

  He put it back into his makeshift bag as a snake slithered passed. Startled a moment, his first reaction was to hit or kick it away, but he realized there was no danger. He watched it vanish into the hillside. Maybe the snake will bring me something to eat, Sam mumbled, and closed his eyes. Maybe I could eat the snake, but I’d never be able to catch it, then his mind floated into spinning images and noise.

  Sam, flat on his back, looked up at the sun high in the sky, his leg sent throbbing signals all the way to the top of his head. He squinted to block the light, then turned on his side where ants were carrying huge dead flies and other bugs. Some had granules of dirt, pieces of leaves, and sticks for building their home. For Sam this was entertainment.

  A live show. Nature’s theater, and free, no need to buy any tickets.

  Which one of you is the leader? Sam asked. I’ll bet it’s you, the one standing in place like a composer leading an orchestra.

  He seems to be signaling the other ants in some way. I could destroy everything you’ve built so far. As weak as I am, with one swoop, it would all be flattened. The world is cruel, the world is hard, and like my accident a big hand lunged out of nowhere, knocked my car over, and crushed me. People are just like the ants in this world. I’ve rested enough, and got to make for the next target.

  Sam scanned the hillside looking for the next place to land. He looked for something he could lasso with the rope, but it was bare.

  That scrawny branch looks like my only choice. One small tree growing out of the hillside. It looks weak, and maybe not strong enough to hold me. there’s no other choice. That branch is going help me make it to the top or stop me from getting there.

  He took the rope and went through the same routine as before, rolling it up, then throwing it over his head, hoping to snag the branch. He tried over and over with no luck. It wasn’t happening this time. What’s wrong? Why can’t I get this rope around it?

  He threw the rope, and watched it fall back down, again and again. The sun was getting low in the sky, and he was running out of time.

  I’m going to have to sleep here tonight if I don’t lasso that tree, he thought.

  Exhausted, frustrated, and Mother Nature calling.

  This is going to be hard taking a dump lying on my side. How am I going to do this? Do it now or live with it later.

  Sam pulled his pants down as far as he could.

  I’m glad no one’s watching this. He felt movement and relief at the same time.

  He tore off a bit of cloth from his shirt to wipe himself, then pulled his pants up. I’m definitely not staying here tonigh
t, He took the rope and tossed it, and like before tugged on it.

  Did it. Got it. I’m getting out. He pulled himself upward.

  He felt no pain in his leg, and thought, Is that a good or bad sign? He continued pulling his broken body up the cliff, and could see the branch bending as he pulled.

  If it breaks, I’m falling all the way back down to the bottom. Please, God, don’t let it break. Sam repeated over and over, again and again. Don’t let it break.

  The sun was close to touching the horizon.

  I’ve got to get to that tree, Sam said. I’m going to make it to that branch.

  He scratched and clawed, slid back, his body covered with dirt and blood.

  From dust, and dust you shall return, something like that, Sam thought.

  He was going into a dream world. Wherever he looked he saw faces. Faces in leaves, faces in the branches, faces in the dirt, faces in the rocks and clouds. As he lay on his back a big white puffy cloud that looked like his father’s face floated by.

  Dad? Sam whispered. Is that you up there? He watched the cloud until it changed into what looked like a horse jumping off a cliff.

  Enough rest. Got to get going. It’ll be dark soon.

  Sam reached out and grabbed the branch. Made it!

  The second step was complete. Just the last part to the top remained. This would be the most difficult, and dangerous section, but if he could do it—he’d be free.

  BONES

  He let out a soulful cry, a sharp contrast to nature’s warbling, and it echoed into the sky. Sam couldn’t move his tired stiff body. His leg a log, dead weight, and on top of that, a growling stomach that he rubbed to ease the hunger pangs. Sam had nothing to eat. Nothing as he scanned the nearby area, thinking, What can I eat? I could dig up more worms, maybe eat some leaves, or try eating some of these plants, he said, and brushed them with his fingertips. But I don’t know what they are. I hurt bad enough now, and don’t need any more problems. I wonder how my leg is? Sam cringed as he massaged it, then moved around trying to get comfortable.

  Well, no use staying here. It’s time to move on.

  He scanned the top of the hillside looking for a place to throw the rope. To get in a good position, he cleared away the leaves and branches around his body.

  Is this what I think it is, he thought, afraid to say the words. Can’t be human. Must be animal bones.

  He cleared away more dirt. There were more bones.

  I think I’m in a grave, Sam said.

  His body shrunk with fear. He wanted it all to disappear. To be anywhere else other than the hillside graveyard. Had he defiled someone’s grave by dislodging the bones?

  There’s something strange about this grave, something familiar, something . . . but what.

  I’ve been crawling on these bones, on a grave. How did they get here? Was this person murdered? Was it someone who just got lost and died? An accident?

  Scenarios rattled around in his head, and faces of dead relatives and friends flashed in his mind. He wanted to get up and run away, run as fast and as far away as possible, but he couldn’t stand.

  It had been a struggle to climb the hillside, to make it out of the trap, to find someone who could help. He looked up the hill. Only one more section, the steepest part, and nothing to anchor the rope to. Will I die here, and add my bones to the ones already here? The ground shook, vibrations went through his body, and the forest whirled. His mind spun. The forest became a blur, his eyes closed, he was out.

  Sam slowly came to, coughing, and clearing his throat, then spit out a ball of phlegm that landed on the bones.

  Is there anyway to identify who this is? Sam whispered. Maybe there’s a piece of jewelry, clothes, or picture buried here.

  Sam picked up a stick and dug deeper, unearthing more bones. I wonder how long this poor schmuck’s been here, Sam muttered in a soulful tone, must have happened a while ago because there’s nothing left but bones.

  Maybe a ghost is haunting this place? Ghosts can fly, can’t they?

  Sam continued digging in the ground, turning the earth, then he came across a wristwatch.

  It’s corroded, but was a nice watch once. I wonder how long it’s been here? Maybe the same thing happened to him, or her, an animal jumped out, and they tried to avoid hitting it. I’ll take this watch, maybe there’s a way to find out whose it was.

  Then Sam felt something pulling him down.

  What the hell is that?

  Something was sucking him into the ground. His legs were being absorbed into the ground like water into a sponge.

  Shit! he yelled. What the hell’s happening?

  His body went in further, to his knees, he struggled, and pull himself back out of the quicksand ground.

  He grabbed a branch, pulled, and said, I’ve got to get out of this place. He dug his hands into the ground and jerked his body back.

  He passed out.

  WINDOW

  Sam woke shaking with fear. He looked up the hill. There was nothing to tie or throw the rope onto. I have to climb the rest of the way up without the rope, or find another way.

  His water was gone, he had nothing to eat, and his leg was getting ripe.

  Even if I made it to the road, and was found by someone, I’ll probably lose my leg.

  It was there, but he felt nothing, just dead muscle, bone, and skin. He didn’t want to look at it because he knew the outcome—no leg, maybe no life.

  Back to business, Sam said. Get up the rest of the way. Move! he screamed. Move! Twisting and turning on his back, then on his stomach and side he inched upward grabbing anything that stuck out of the ground. Sam was spent, energy gone, and his face in the dirt. His mind went blank except for an image of the high school play Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde. He was with Esther, they were on stage, and the audience was spellbound. Dr. Jekyll changed into Mr. Hyde. Sam thought, that’s what I need to do, change into Mr. Hyde, use his strength to get to the top. How do I become Mr. Hyde?

  Hey! a voice bellowed. Anybody down there?

  Who’s that? Sam thought, and looked up to the top of the cliff.

  I’m here, Sam yelled, his voice weak and breaking up. Down here, he shouted. I’m down here!

  Hold on, I’ll get a rope and help you up, the voice said.

  A rope dropped and landed near Sam, then he heard someone crawling down. Cover up if you can. Some rocks might fall, the voice said.

  Sam looked up at a smiling face with a bushy beard, long hair, and arms with skull tattoos

  Thank you, Sam said, thank you, he repeated.

  Don’t worry man, I’ll get you to a hospital.

  Spratt?

  Just keep still.

  Then Sam stared at the face. Spratt?

  Okay, I’m going to tie this rope around you, then going back up to the top, and pull you up. It might hurt a bit, but there’s no other way to get you up there. After we make it to the top, I’ll drive you to a hospital.

  How did you find me?

  Esther said you weren’t returning her calls or emails, so we went looking for you. Saw the busted fence, and checked it out. When I looked down the cliff, I noticed your car. And well, it’s totalled, man. You can always buy another one. How you are is what’s important. I’ll get you to a doctor.

  It’s in bad shape. I wrapped it the best I could, but I don’t have any feeling in it now. Hope I don’t lose it.

  Yeah, Spratt whispered. It doesn’t look good, man, but you’ll be okay. I’ll get you to the hospital, and let them take it from there. Okay, you ready?

  Yeah, Sam said. Haul me up.

  You’ll feel the rope get tight now, but that’s me pulling you up. If you want me to stop just holler.

  Sam grabbed the rope with both hands, and held on tight.

  Spratt started pulling Sam up the hillside.

  I gotcha, Sam, be up at the top soon. How are you feeling? Want to take a break?

  I’m fine, keep pulling.

  Sam bounced along the side of
the cliff, opening and closing his eyes, looking at his demolished car, and the bones scattered on the hillside.

  You made it! I’m gonna put you in the back of my truck. You’ll be more comfortable there. You lay on these sacks, and I’ll drive nice and easy.

  Spratt?

  Yeah, need something?

  Down there in the crevice. Did you see?

  See what?

  You didn’t see . . . the bones?

  What are you talking about?

  The bones.

  I don’t know, just saw your car.

  We have to tell someone about it, Sam said.

  Yeah, guess you’re right, Spratt said, but let’s get you to the hospital first. Esther will be happy to see you.

  She makes good sandwiches, Sam said.

  Spratt drove down the valley, and Sam watched the clouds float like ships in the sky. It’s so beautiful when the blue touches the horizon, he thought. The battle for attention went to the sky. It reminded him of Hawaii, and biggest blue sky ever. He went there with Esther after graduation. They were both eighteen, and had never been that far from Four Corners before. It was one of their many adventures. They had met on the playground, explored the neighboring cities, but being in paradise was a new experience. Everything was new, and exactly what he had imagined.

  He rented a Ford Mustang convertible and drove to Waikiki from Honolulu Airport. That was the beach they wanted to see. The roads were crowded, lots of people walked down the sidewalks, and there were so many stores. On one side of the road the Pacific Ocean rolled in, and on the other side, concrete buildings rose to the sky. It was a paradox Sam couldn’t understand.

  Why would anyone take such a beautiful island, and build so many ugly buildings.

  The hotels were big boxes, layered with windows. It reminded Sam of the high school at home. The whole area was one big shopping center, buying and selling, but the beach was unbelievable. They parked the rental car near the Honolulu Zoo, which had old style parking meters where you insert a dime or quarter. They walked to the beach, and you could tell right away that this was a fun place. Surfers out on the waves, and people on boogie boards. Children building sand castles that were soon washed away, and sun bathers catching rays. The sand was hot, but they only had to step into the ocean to cool off. Sam wanted this memory to go on forever.