The Academy Volume One

by Maxine Mansfield

  She stared at Leeky, begging with all her might. “Uthiel is missing. I’m sure he’s there and hurt and needs my help. Since you’re the only person I know who has ever been to Castle Kuropkat, will you come with us and lead the way? Please? Please, Mr. Shortz.”

  The gnome walked backwards. “Oh, I can’t be doing that, lass. Ya need a tracker ta be going ta Castle Kuropkat. The path’s long overgrown. Dangerous roads, didn’t I tell ya?”

  Briar’s father held a calloused hand toward the gnome. “Midan Tumbleweed, at your service. Ranger and Hunter of the Dak Forest.” He opened his sporran and pulled out his collection of maps. “I can track almost anything, and I’m Briar’s papa to boot. We sure would appreciate it if you’d come along and help.”

  Leeky shook Midan’s hand. “I’d love ta go along and help. I’m quite fond of that paladin, myself. I can’t, though. I have duties. Headmistress Seychelle would never hear of it.”

  Sarco, too, had followed them down the row of books, and he spoke up now. “I doubt the Headmistress would mind, Mr. Shortz. After all, she’s good friends with Uthiel’s family. I’d be happy to ask if she could possibly spare you for a couple of weeks.”

  Sarco pointed a finger at Briar but kept his eye on the gnome. “You aren’t afraid to go where a mere girl is willing to travel, are you, O mighty, famous gnome rogue?”

  Leeky harrumphed and glared at Sarco. “What the singed yellow feathers on the hind end of a purple-headed troll’s parrot are ya talking about, lad? I’m not afraid of nothing or nobody. I was fighting battles long before ya made a stain on ya momma’s thigh. That doesn’t mean I’m foolish, however. I have duties, I tell ya. I can’t be bothered with trying ta rescue every paladin who gets himself in trouble. I’d never get anything else done.”

  Briar was desperate, and it was time to play her hand. “I’ll tell about the panties. I’ll go to Headmistress Seychelle and tell her everything I know.” She pointed to the black-obsidian-decorated thong that hugged the blow-up doll’s pink plastic ass.

  Leeky reddened but stood firm. “What good’s a legacy if there’s no one left ta tell the story after ya’re gone? Ya know only what I wish ya ta know, lass. What I’ve allowed ya ta know. I won’t help because I fear ya threat, for I don’t. Leeky Shortz don’t fear nothing.

  “But I will help ‘cause I have a soft spot concerning ya and that particular paladin. Ya two remind me of myself and Miss Kitty in days long gone by.”

  The gnome gently tucked his doll under his arm and smiled at her frozen expression. He tweaked one of her nipples and patted her on the ass, then pivoted and trotted away.

  Before he took a dozen steps, however, he called over his shoulder, “What the bad breath of a green-eyed dragon the morning after a meal of rancid barbarians are ya waiting for? Quit ya lounging around and meet me at the front gates of The Academy in one turn of the hourglass. Don’t be late.”

  Briar had one more question for the gnome so she quickly set off after him. “Leeky? Oh, Mr. Shortz?”

  Leeky stopped. “Yes, Miss Tumbleweed?”

  Briar’s face grew warm. “Umm, did they find Ray, you know, after the…incident? I’ve been wondering, and since you mentioned the Headmistress…”

  Leeky Shortz broke into a fit of giggles. “What the pale green drainage oozing from a halfling with a head cold’s ears do ya think, lass? ‘Course I found him. I’m a rogue, aren’t I? He was in the bowels of the school. Curled up like a baby. Shaking and crying. A puddle of tears big enough ta bathe in pooled all around him. Had what was left of that orange dildo in his mouth. Just kept repeating ‘Ray loves cock’ over and over. Took me most of a day ta entice him out. No worse for wear, really. That is, if ya ignore the fact he no longer has hair. Personally, I think he looks better without it.”

  Warm embarrassment engulfed Briar as she quickly glanced toward her father and Sarco before whispering her next question to Leeky, “Is he going to be okay?”

  Leeky cackled, “In time, perhaps. We don’t mention ya name around Ray, though, lass, because he scurries under Headmistress Seychelle’s chair and it’s almost impossible ta get him ta come out. I don’t think I’d be paying any visits ta the Headmistress, if I was ya.”

  Midan Tumbleweed glanced at Sarco. “Who’s Ray, and what happened to him?”

  Sarco shook his head. “Some things are better left unsaid.”

  Chapter Twenty-Two

  If she hadn’t so desperately needed Leeky Shortz to find Uthiel, she would have gone belowdecks, grabbed him by the collar, dragged him back up here, and tossed him overboard.

  Briar rested her forehead against the railing and fought the roiling of her long-ago-emptied stomach. She dared not open her eyes to gaze at the cerulean-blue waves threatening to wash over the side of the rocking boat.

  Two days of constant, stomach-churning motion. Two days of raging, angry seas; two days of hanging onto a railing for dear life while praying for a quick, merciful death.

  And why?

  Because Mr. Leeky Shortz, who was quite comfortable belowdecks in the only available cabin, had insisted they take this smaller passenger boat as opposed to the larger, luxury-type ship.

  His words echoed in her mind. Small boats are faster, and the fastest way ta get where we’re going is ta travel east across the Tambian Sea ta the Valley of Prescove. Castle Kuropkat lies just northeast of that, don’t ya know? Ya did want ta get ta that paladin of yours sometime this year, didn’t ya?

  A small boat might well be the fastest way, but to completely cross the Tambian Sea was still most of another day’s journey. Briar was doubtful she’d survive to see Uthiel again, at this rate.

  She clutched the Dragon Heart Opal, relieved it pulsed warm and steady in her sweaty grasp. If truth be told, the beat of the stone was probably steadier than the beat of her own heart. From the moment she’d first set foot on the rocking ship, she’d been sick to death.

  It wasn’t as if she hadn’t gone through her herbs and remedies at least twice, for she had. She’d attempted every spell and incantation, every potion and elixir she could think of, plus a few new combinations. Still no relief from the god-awful seasickness. What good was a healer who couldn’t heal herself? She was so tired she couldn’t think straight, and soon she’d be too weak to remain upright.

  She made a decision. There was no helping it. Like it or not, and even though Leeky Shortz had commandeered the only available cabin due to his I-must-protect-my-hands issue, he was going to have to share. Lying down, at least for a while, was her only remaining option.

  Gingerly, Briar made her way past the passengers strolling the deck, children scurrying to and fro, and sailors going about their duties. After weakly navigating the steep stairs leading below, she nearly sobbed in relief as she approached the closed stateroom door.

  Grabbing the knob and resting her head against the cool wood to steady herself, Briar turned the handle and shoved.

  Three sets of eyes looked up in surprise and, if she wasn’t mistaken, a hint of guilt when she stumbled into the room.

  Midan Tumbleweed jumped up. His tankard almost tipped as he caught it in one hand while beckoning toward Briar with the other. “Daughter, you look a smidgen green there. You all right? Come sit down, child.”

  Leeky Shortz hauled Miss Kitty out of the chair beside him and set her in his lap. He patted the now empty seat. “What the moldy belly-button lint of an ogre trollop is wrong with ya? Come on over here, lass. Have a seat and a stiff drink with the three of us. That’ll make ya right as rain.”

  The smell of stale ale and tobacco was strong in the room, and Briar was wrong about her stomach being empty. With a retch, she finally emptied it completely on the floor, right in front of the men.

  Sarco skittered as far away as the cabin would allow. “Woman, can you not be sick over the side of the ship, like a civilized person?”

  Briar glared at him but didn’t have the energy to respond. Instead, she stumbled to the cot and lay down. />
  Exhausted, she watched Midan locate a cloth and moisten it. He gently wiped her face, and she was grateful for the warmth of his touch.

  “There you go, child. Now just close your eyes and rest.”

  Despite her father’s excellent advice, Briar was not yet ready to succumb to sleep. What had these men been doing when she burst in on them?

  Leeky made short work of cleaning the mess on the floor. With a shrug, he sighed, “Ya get good at many unsavory duties when ya are in charge of as many men as I was, just as I was telling ya before the lass came in and interrupted my story.”

  Briar turned her glare onto the gnome. “So sorry for my inconvenient sickness.” Then she turned her back on all of them.

  How typical. They’re swapping tales in this…this stateroom, while I’m hanging on for dear life above deck.

  She belched, which both eased her stomach and hopefully conveyed to the men just what she thought of their little tea party.

  Silence stretched for several uncomfortable minutes before Sarco broke it by clearing his throat. “Ahem…Mr. Shortz, are you still insisting you were at the Battle of Castle Kuropkat?”

  “I most certainly am.” Pride rang in the gnome’s voice and Briar couldn’t help but smile.

  Slowly she turned back over, her curiosity getting the better of her, and watched through half-closed eyes. She smiled to herself at the sight of the gnome’s pants. How could anyone stay mad at somebody dressed like that?

  The Pants of Many Pockets, Briar had named them the first day of the trip. Leeky Shortz simply called them his traveling pants, but Briar thought her name more appropriate for the khaki-colored piece of clothing. Their greatest distinction, however, was that they were covered from top to bottom, front to back, with pocket after pocket.

  The pockets contained all manner of things: Leeky’s special gloves, of course, as well as tools, stiletto daggers, a change of clothing, and even a patch kit for Miss Kitty. Briar had also spied a couple pairs of panties poking out here and there. The gnome didn’t need a traveling case, not when he had the Pants of Many Pockets.

  I wonder if they’re heavy to wear, with all that paraphernalia in the pockets?

  The sound of Leeky’s voice soothed her stomach and her mood. Though she closed her eyes, Briar listened to every word Leeky and the others said. After all, she wanted to learn everything she could about Castle K.

  “Ya don’t have ta believe something for it ta be the truth, lad. Half the truths in the world go unbelieved just because people are ta blind ta see them for what they are. I can’t prove I was there, and wouldn’t if I could. I can tell ya this, many good men, and one exceptional woman, lost their lives at Castle Kuropkat. It was a battle ta end all battles, and it was where I found and lost the one true love of my life.”

  Midan’s voice was melancholy and slurred. “Ah, yes. To find and lose love is a tragedy, for sure.”

  Briar heard the distinct unsnapping of the closing clasp on her father’s sporran, and knew he was about to show off the miniature of her mother he carried with him always.

  “I lost my one true love. Jullian was my wife’s name. A high-elf druid and the best damn blow―”

  Briar’s eyes flew open. “What?”

  She glared at her father over the edge of the bunk. He blushed and quickly returned the picture to his leather pack, offering no further comments about her mother’s sexual prowess.

  Lying back down, she wrapped herself in the cot’s rough woolen blanket and smiled encouragingly at the gnome. “Tell us more of your lady, please. I miss Uthiel so much. It would be nice to hear a story with a happy ending.”

  Leeky Shortz sighed and closed his eyes. “Well, I wouldn’t precisely call it a happy ending, but I’ll never forget the first time I laid eyes on sweet Kattra. The battle had been fierce and bloody that day, the stench of death all around us. My men and I were beyond exhaustion. All we wanted was a kind word and a cold drink.”

  The stone nestled between Briar’s breasts pulsed hot then cold. Briar pressed it against her heart, hoping, if nothing else, Leeky’s story would give her a better idea of Castle Kuropkat’s layout, and ultimately, where she could find Uthiel.

  The gnome glanced at everyone…probably to make sure he had their full attention. Briar nodded at him and snuggled even farther down into the cot.

  Leeky tilted his chair back and propped his short legs on the table. “We walked into the tavern and what the stained britches of a one-handed, troll pecker-packer do ya think we heard? Some high-elf honeypot was screeching at the top of her lungs, saying things that made even my soldiers blush. Seems a barbarian traitor got an inch out of line when he gave her an affectionate smack on the pink cheeks of her pretty little ass as she walked by, and she hadn’t taken kindly to it.

  “But, she really got pissed when she turned ta glare at him and caught the barbarian jacking his willy. Squirted all over her, he did. Made a big mess.”

  “Oh,” Briar said. Though she still felt queasy and was still very worried about Uthiel, Leeky’s words had her pussy pulsing harder than the Dragon Heart Opal.

  “I’ve never seen the likes of it before or since, I’ll tell ya. This harlot of a high-elf―no bigger than our own sweet Briar―picked up that barbarian, carried him ta the door, tossed him through it, dusted off her hands, picked up the nearest tankard and downed it in one gulp. Then, she pursed her lips, spit on the floor, and yelled, ‘Who wants ta be next?’ I’m telling ya, I fell in love right then and there.”

  Briar giggled. She liked the spunky Kattra more with each word Leeky spoke.

  “Ah, she was glorious ta behold. Had the pointiest ears I’ve ever seen, and hair the color of wheat. It hung all the way ta the bottom of her ass cheeks, and she was a natural blond if’n ya know what I mean.”

  Leeky winked, but Briar couldn’t understand why. A moment later, she got his meaning, and her cheeks heated.

  “Then there were her lips. What the poked-out eyes of an Alarian Mountain buzzard would I give for one more taste of those lips?” Leeky stopped and giggled, cleared his throat, and started again. “Lady Kattra was a very talented woman when it came ta those lips.”

  Briar glared at her father, but Midan Tumbleweed wisely didn’t look her way or say a single word.

  “She caught me staring at her after she drank that tankard. She walked up ta me, put those luscious lips not more than an inch from my nose, and bellowed, ‘What you looking at? You filthy little piss-poor excuse for a dumped-on-the-ground turd pile of a gnome.’”

  Briar couldn’t contain her giggles any longer and clamped a hand over her mouth trying to hold them in. Perfect, simply perfect. She couldn’t wait until she found Uthiel so she could tell him Leeky Shortz’s first love had been a foul-mouthed elf. How fitting.

  Leeky Shortz smiled at Briar, tucked his hands under his chin, and rested his elbows on the table. “Lads, how could I not help but fall in love with a woman like that?”

  Midan hiccupped and laughed, “Sounds like quite a girl you had there. How’d you lead her ‘round to your way of thinkin’?”

  Leeky swiped at a tear. “By the end of that day, I had the lass eating out of my hand.” He held up a finger and pointed to a thin line. “See, I still have the scar ta prove it.”

  Sarco broke out in a fit of very unmanly like giggles. Briar couldn’t help herself, and laughed out loud too. Oh yes, she had much to tell Uthiel.

  “A sense of humor,” Leeky continued, “that girl sure had one.” He shrugged. “So what the twisted toes on a tap-dancing ogre with a foot fetish do ya think I did? I grabbed onto her apron so she couldn’t get away and told the lass my favorite joke and she loved it. Ya want ta hear it?”

  Briar caught herself nodding until Sarco whispered loudly in her direction, “Must you encourage him? I don’t think I can take anymore.” Briar giggled again, especially when Sarco frowned at her. It felt good to relax and forget her cares for a few minutes. And to irritate the annoyingly stuff
y, tunnel-visioned Sarco Sunwalker.

  Leeky ignored them and resumed his tale, starting with the joke he was clearly eager to share.

  “A high-elf walked into a tavern with a gnome under her arm. The barkeep said, ‘We don’t serve pigs in here.’ The high-elf said, ‘He isn’t a pig, he’s a gnome.’ Ta which the barkeep replied, ‘I was talking ta the gnome.’”

  Briar cackled and Leeky winked at her, then burst into his own fit of giggles. “That, my friends, earned me a spanking I remember fondly even after all these years.”

  Midan burped, laughed, and farted―all at the same time. Sarco choked on a mouthful of ale, but after his coughing fit subsided, he too gave in to his laughter.

  “Yeah,” Leeky grinned, “I know the way ta a woman’s heart, lads. Let me tell ya something. Ya get their attention with your intellect, then ya go in for the win with your touch.” He bent down, opened a pocket on his pants, and lifted out a soft-looking pink pair of gloves. Reverently, he slipped them on.

  The memory of the day Leeky had shown her and Uthiel his gloves flooded her mind, and Briar’s heart hurt with longing for the man who was still so very far away.

  “I stood on my chair that day so we were face to face. I put on these very same gloves and reached up to stroke her cheek tenderly. Then I ran just the tip of my finger down her chin, all the way ta her mouth-watering breasts. I wrapped my arms around her, bent her over, kissed those lips like they’d never been kissed…and what the pickled peppers found in the dunghill of a dwarf dandy with a delicate tummy do ya think I did next?

  “I’ll tell ya what I did. I slipped a finger deep inta her coochie-coo and swished it all around. In and out, up and down, and I even teased her asshole with it. Left her reeling and begging for more, lads. From that moment on, she was mine.”

  Briar covered her mouth in shock―not from what the gnome had just said, but from the fact that when he said it, she swore she felt Uthiel’s fingers on her own coochie-coo, and lower.

  Oh, Uthiel…