Wanted

by Shelley Shepard Gray

  “I can be quiet sometimes, just like you, Jonathan. I’m not always a chatterbox.” She hoped she sounded mature and upright. Maybe he would soon see her in a new light, too. “I’m happy to sit silently and admire the beauty that surrounds us.”

  He glanced her way before replying. “Yes, God has given us beauty everywhere.”

  Her pulse jumped. Just like that, all thoughts of being forever his friend vanished. Awareness filled the gap. “Um, what project are you thinking of? Can you tell me a bit about it?”

  “I can. I need wood, you see. I intend to make Mary a keeping chest for Christmas. She’s a little young for it, but she’s been through so much, I think she will like it fine.”

  The news made her smile. “That is a special gift, to be sure. Every girl, no matter what her age, likes having her own keeping chest.” Katie remembered when she’d received her own trunk. Her daed and Henry had worked on it for months, smoothing and sanding and staining the oak until it was a rich, burnished coppery-brown. She’d been so surprised and touched to see it on her fourteenth birthday.

  Over the years, she’d put all kinds of things inside. Quilts, candle holders, a particularly fine basket. A recipe box. All of those treasures were currently waiting for the day when she would become a bride.

  “I hope Mary will like it. As I said, she’s a bit young for such a thing, but I’ve been thinking she needs something of her own right now. Something that will be lasting and solid.”

  “I agree. She will love the chest. But just as important, she will love it because you made it for her.”

  His lips turned up. “I’m glad you came with me, Katie. Ever since we argued, I’ve felt bad about things.”

  “I have, too. I can be too outspoken and insensitive to other people’s feelings.”

  “I have not noticed that. As for me, I need to remember to ask your opinions. I’ve become too used to only taking my own advice. It has not always served me well. We live in a community for a reason. I need to learn to grasp the hands that reach out toward me.”

  Katie thought that was a fine way of putting it. All obstacles in life would be easier to manage if help was accepted. “Jonathan, if it is okay with you, I’d like to treat today as a new beginning. We have much in common and much to be thankful for. Too much to be constantly bickering.”

  To her great relief, Jonathan nodded. “I would like that.” Shyly, he glanced in her direction. “I would enjoy a new…a new beginning for us, Katie. Back when I came to your home, to ask you to help with the girls, I said that I had no need to think about a future, about a wife. Now I realize how wrong that was. Your presence has encouraged me to see the world and all of its glories again. I feel like our Heavenly Father has given me a second chance.”

  Once again, Katie’s heart fluttered. What was he saying? That he wanted a future with her? Or that he wanted another woman as a bride one day?

  She gripped the side of the wagon as they traveled across the snow, their path leaving a thick trail behind them. After a few more moments Jonathan halted Blacky and assisted her out of the wagon. Then side by side they tromped through the thicket of trees, stopping and staring at each one and giving it either a yes or no.

  Playfully Katie stood in front of an especially tall tree…its height was far over ten feet and its branches looked wide enough to fill a whole room. “What do you think about this one, Jonathan?” she asked, all innocence. “Do you think there might be enough wood here for Mary’s trunk?”

  “Why…well, hum.”

  “It’s a nice, sturdy tree, yes?”

  “Yes.” It was hard for Katie to keep her expression neutral as Jonathan obviously struggled to give the tree a close inspection. “It’s tall, that’s for sure.”

  “And very full.”

  After a pause, he knelt on one knee and patted the trunk. “You chose well, but I had in mind something a fair bit smaller.”

  “I’m only teasing you, Jonathan,” she said, unable to keep from laughing. “I know it’s far too big.”

  To her pleasure, he laughed, too. “I was getting worried. And poor Blacky—he would have had a time pulling it.”

  “We would have had to rig you up to pull, too!”

  “I’m glad you don’t really want this tree, then.”

  Her mirth vanished in an instant. “You would have chopped it down if I’d asked you to?”

  “Yes. I wouldn’t have wanted to hurt your feelings.”

  Now she felt bad. “Oh.”

  Almost tenderly, he gazed at her. “I didn’t ask you to accompany me just to ignore your opinions.”

  Her pulse quickened. “You didn’t?”

  “No.” He bent down, brushed some snow off a boot, then quick as a cricket, flicked a bit of snow from a nearby pine her way. “I took you out here to get the best of you, too!”

  When the cold, wet snow hit her right on her nose, she gasped. To her surprise, he had the nerve to sound dismayed. “Oh, I am sorry, Katie. I didn’t realize a little bit of snow would bother you so much. Henry told me you have had your share of snowball fights.”

  “Oh! I’ll show you! Henry taught me well.” Her first throw caught him off guard when it landed right in the middle of his chest.

  “How well?” With lightning speed, he threw a ball at the branch above Katie and laughed heartily when a clump of snow landed on her black bonnet.

  “Mighty well,” she exclaimed. Well, attempted to, around a mouth of frozen slush.

  It was every man for himself. Katie formed snowballs as quickly as she could and threw them at her attacker. Jonathan proved to be a very able fighter himself. His aim was true and his laugh merry.

  After a few minutes, they both were slumped against trees and laughing loud and heartily. “You surely managed to surprise me, Jonathan. I didn’t know you could be so lighthearted.”

  “I didn’t know you could throw so hard,” he teased. “I thought you’d throw like a girl.”

  “Henry taught me many things. You’d be surprised at what I can do.” Lifting her chin, she said, “He even taught me to play basketball.”

  “I guess we each still have much to learn about the other.” Brushing a stray clump of snow from her nose, he added, “I welcome that, Katie.”

  His declaration left her as breathless as the snowball fight had. “I…I do, too.” Yes, their connection felt even stronger now. Katie knew something subtle had changed between them. Tension filled the air as they stared at each other. For a moment, Jonathan looked about to speak, then, shaking his head, he slowly stood up. “I suppose we better find a suitable tree.”

  “Yes. We had better.” She scrambled to her feet as well. When a clump of snow clung to the hem of her dress, she shook the fabric harder than she intended. “If we don’t hurry, we’ll run out of time.”

  The silence shifted again, filling the distance between them with a sweet expectation.

  Slowly, they continued to walk through the trees. After a few moments, over a ridge in the distance, Katie saw a buck, its grand rack of antlers proudly displayed. She pointed.

  “Ah, yes. He is a beauty, for sure.” Together they smiled when two other deer carefully moved out of the cover of evergreens and stepped into the clearing. Then, as one caught sight or smell of them, they darted away as one.

  “Did you have your rifle?” Katie knew deer meat would last a good long time.

  “I didn’t need it today. I shot a deer at the beginning of hunting season. Eli and I divided it up—he’s making sausage for me. So, I don’t need any more.”

  “I’m mighty glad. I do love to look at their graceful presence.”

  “I do, too.”

  Finally they came to the perfect oak tree. It was a homely, rather short and stunted thing, but the trunk was good and solid, and the lines were lovely. With little effort, Jonathan chopped it down. Birds and squirrels around them squawked in annoyance as the branches cracked and fell to the ground with a hefty thump.

  Holding the stur
dy ax in his right hand as if it was no heavier than a fork, he glanced her way. “Could you hold this for me?”

  “Surely.” She tried not to show her surprise when she realized just how strong Jonathan was. The ax had to weigh over ten pounds, at least.

  Katie then stood to one side as Jonathan wrapped a rope around the bottom branches and began to pull.

  By the time they got back to the wagon, Katie felt glorious. Her cheeks burned from the cold, but her body was warm, thanks to the added weight of the ax and the brisk pace in which they returned to the wagon. After securing the tree onto the open back, Jonathan pulled out the basket. “Do you think we could have our snacks now?”

  “Of course.” Feeling like a child playing house, Katie scrambled back to the bench seat and poured two cups of cocoa into thick ceramic mugs.

  Jonathan sipped gratefully. “It’s still warm.”

  Wrapping her mittened hands around her mug, Katie nodded. “I’m glad.” She opened a tin. “Cookie?”

  “You like to bake very much, don’t you?”

  She was surprised he’d noticed. “Yes.”

  “It shows. You are a mighty good cook.”

  “Thank you. I…enjoy cooking.” Handing him the tin, she hastened to come up with something else to say. “Hannah was in charge of making the thumbprints in each one of these.”

  He bit into his with obvious pleasure. “It’s been nice to see the kitchen so busy. You have a great way with Mary and Hannah. The girls’ moods have brightened considerably since you came.”

  “I’m glad. I like being with them.”

  “I know they like you, too. The girls enjoy your company, Katie.”

  She bit into a cookie to refrain from answering.

  But that seemed to be just fine for Jonathan. To her surprise, he even seemed to be in the mood to chat. “Katie, when I first came to your home, when I first came to speak with you, I was only thinking of needin’ someone till Winnie came back.”

  “I know.”

  “When your father mentioned how they were worried about the two of us being alone, I have to tell you, it took me by surprise. I had always assumed things would stay the way they were. I hadn’t counted on things changing.”

  “Have they?”

  “I think so. Yes. Especially after our talk the other night.”

  “How do you feel now?”

  He hung his head. “Well, it’s like this. After I went back to my room, I did a lot of thinking. I thought about the past, and what I hope to find in the future. I did some thinking about Winnie, too.”

  “What did you discover?”

  “It occurred to me that your advice made a lot of sense. I can’t be responsible for everything that’s happened in my life. That’s God’s job. It is mine to accept and to prayerfully let the events guide me.” He paused, as if carefully weighing each word. “I also realized that I can’t blame myself for Sarah’s death anymore.”

  His words shocked her. Everyone had known that Sarah’s buggy accident was just that—an accident. “I never knew you felt you were to blame. Why do you?”

  “She was my wife. I let her go where she wanted to go. I let her drive that buggy whenever and wherever she wanted to. Maybe if I had told her no, it wouldn’t have happened.”

  In spite of the gravity of the conversation, Jonathan’s words made her smile. “I knew Sarah. She was a good woman. But she wasn’t the type of person to be told what to do, Jonathan. Even I know that. I don’t think she would have listened to you if you had told her no.”

  “I think I finally have come to believe that, too.” After sipping the last of his drink, he set the mug down. “Yes, it is definitely time for me to move forward. And that is why I think it is time that we came to an agreement.”

  With shaking hands, Katie set her mug down as well. Was this what she thought it was? “An agreement?”

  Jonathan’s face couldn’t have been more beet red. “I’ve seen how wonderful good you would be for our family. I see that there is much I’ve been missing. You are perfect for the girls. Mary and Hannah need a woman like you—a person of honor and goodness to look up to.”

  That was all fine and good. Katie did, indeed, want to be a good mother to the girls. But love from two little girls wasn’t all she needed. She needed love from their father, as well. “And you?” she whispered. “What…what do you need?”

  “I need a wife.”

  “I see.”

  “Any man would be happy to have a wife like you, Katie.”

  His words weren’t enough. She wanted them to be. She wanted to be excited about a life with him. But in her heart, Katie knew she had to have love. Otherwise, how could she ever live with her regrets about Brandon? She could have had a life with Brandon, but she’d refused to marry someone she didn’t love with all of her heart.

  Now, here, the opposite was happening. She could have the man she loved, but she wouldn’t have his heart.

  The irony of it all—the frustration of it all—made her want to burst into tears. When was it ever going to be her time? When would she ever find a relationship that was equal and meant to be?

  Of course, she could never bring up all of that to him.

  Neither could she tell Jonathan about Brandon. After all, what would he say if he ever learned just how close she’d been to leaving their order? What would Jonathan say if he knew that she’d made many mistakes? That she’d taken advantage of Holly’s friendship because she wanted freedom. Because she’d wanted to know how it felt to have an English boy like her.

  What would Jonathan say if he found out she was not as near as complacent as she’d led him to believe? Would he still want her?

  Of course he wouldn’t.

  Just as important, what would happen if he never found out about her rumspringa? Could Katie face a future filled with secrets?

  She quickly sipped her hot chocolate to keep from answering.

  Yet, he noticed her dillydallying. “Katie, do you have an answer for me?” Scanning her face, he added quickly, “I intend to speak with your father, of course, but I was eager to speak with you first.”

  She couldn’t give him an answer. Not yet. It was hard to wrap her mind around his proposal. The moment felt so different than how she’d always imagined it would be.

  Did she even love him? Or was Jonathan Lundy yet another “goal” she’d tried to attain?

  To even think such a thing felt wrong.

  Against her will, she thought of Brandon. He’d freely confessed his feelings for her. She’d known in an instant that she needed to get away from him. It wasn’t right to use his feelings.

  But…Jonathan hadn’t mentioned love.

  “Katie, must you make me wait so long? The question wasn’t a hard one.”

  But that was the problem, wasn’t it? It was a terribly hard question for her to answer. “Jonathan…I am not without faults,” she said slowly.

  “I know that. I have my faults, too. None of us is without sin.”

  She shook her head. “No, that is not what I’m trying to say.”

  Cool blue eyes met hers. “What are you trying to say?”

  Here was her chance. She could tell him everything. Then she would know if he loved her enough to overlook her past and her faults. Her burdens would be gone and she could start anew.

  But just as she opened her mouth to do that, all the words stuck in her throat. With some bit of disappointment, she realized she couldn’t do it.

  She wasn’t as strong and stalwart as she’d always hoped to be. She was too afraid of rejection. Too afraid to make a lifelong mistake. “I…I mean…I need to think about this. Is that all right?”

  “Oh. Well, um, jah, sure. If that is what you want.”

  Katie could tell he was disappointed. She was saddened, too. She was disappointed in herself, and, to a certain extent let down by his proposal. She’d hoped for more words of love and caring. Less about duty and her ability to care for his daughters.

  S
he felt choked by the many complicated feelings rolling inside her, and the many harsh truths she had learned about herself.

  Slowly, they put away the picnic supplies and settled in for the long ride home. As the breeze picked up, Katie looked around at her surroundings. No longer did the snow-covered ground look magical. No longer did the air feel invigorating and crisp against her skin.

  Now she just felt cold.

  Jonathan motioned Blacky forward. Without complaint, the sturdy workhorse plodded forward, the weight of the heavy tree not seeming to be a burden. They were on their way home. But this time, instead of moving closer for warmth, they spread farther apart, in accordance with the emotional distance each was feeling.

  The cold wind no longer felt fresh and bracing. Instead it burned her cheeks and stung. Her clothes suddenly felt damp and frozen from their snowball fight.

  Inside, she felt empty and hollow. She breathed deep and hoped tears wouldn’t fall; she wouldn’t know how to explain them.

  Chapter 15

  Two days had passed since Jonathan almost proposed. During those forty-eight hours, Katie’s feelings had run a gamut of emotions. At times she felt as elated and buoyant as a new day. Other times she felt sure her life had come full circle and she was in a mighty dark place, indeed.

  Had Jonathan’s offer really been a proposal? Or had it been merely an offer to form an agreement of some sorts, in order to keep things the same? Jonathan didn’t seem to make any spur of the moment decisions. Katie doubted he offered marriage without careful consideration of what it would mean to his future.

  What would it mean for her future? She was capable of taking care of Mary and Hannah. She could cook and sew, and Jonathan had thought she was companionable. Once again, she remembered watching him just weeks after Sarah’s funeral and wishing she could do something—anything—to bring him comfort. She’d felt so sorry for him. So sorry for his loss.

  Back then, when she closed her eyes after her evening’s prayers, she’d think about Jonathan. She’d wonder if Rebekeh had been right, that Jonathan would never wish to marry again. But then, she’d also dare to dream that maybe he would. That maybe he would one day look at her differently. With wonder and yearning. Of course time spent getting to know Jonathan had changed some things. Now she no longer thought of him as just a man who needed help and a partner. She no longer just hoped for his attention. She no longer imagined him without flaws, and therefore above her reach.