The Playboy Book of Science Fiction and Fantasy

by Edited by The Playboy Editors

  “How about,” he said, after a while, “how about twenty-five hundred? That’s as high as I can go. I don’t have another cent.”

  He was like me: he was a natural bargainer.

  “You can go to three thousand,” I urged. “How much is three thousand? Only another five hundred. Look what you get for it. Earth, the whole planet, and fishing and mineral rights and buried treasure, all that stuff on the Moon. How’s about it?”

  “I can’t. I just can’t. I wish I could.” He shook his head as if to shake loose all those tics and twitches. “Maybe this way. I’ll go as high as twenty-six hundred. For that, will you give me Earth and just fishing rights and buried-treasure rights on the Moon? You keep the mineral rights. I’ll do without them.”

  “Make it twenty-eight hundred and you can have the mineral rights, too. You want them, I can tell you do. Treat yourself. Just two hundred bucks more, and you can have them.”

  “I can’t have everything. Some things cost too much. How about twenty-six fifty, without the mineral rights and without the buried-treasure rights?”

  We were both really swinging now. I could feel it.

  “This is my absolutely last offer,” I told him. “I can’t spend all day on this. I’ll go down to twenty-seven hundred and fifty, and not a penny less. For that, I’ll give you Earth and just fishing rights on the Moon. Or just buried-treasure rights. You pick whichever one you want.”

  “All right,” he said. “You’re a hard man; we’ll do it your way.”

  “Twenty-seven fifty for the Earth and either fishing or buried-treasure rights on the Moon?”

  “No, twenty-seven even, and no rights on the Moon. I’ll forget about that. Twenty-seven even, and all I get is the Earth.”

  “Deal!” I sang out, and we struck hands. We shook on it

  Then, with my arm around his shoulders—what did I care about the dirt on his clothes when the guy was worth twenty-seven hundred dollars to me?—we marched back to the drugstore.

  “I want a receipt,” he reminded me.

  “Right,” I said. “But I put the same stuff on it: that I’m selling you whatever equity I own or have a right to sell. You’re getting a lot for your money.”

  “You’re getting a lot of money for what you’re selling,” he came right back. I liked him. Twitches and dirt or not, he was my kind of guy.

  We got back to the druggist for notarization, and, honest, I’ve never seen a man look more disgusted in my life. “Business is good, huh?” he said. “You two are sure hotting it up.”

  “Listen, you,” I told him. “You just notarize.” I showed the receipt to Eksar. “This the way you want it?”

  He studied it, coughing. “Whatever equity you own or have a right to sell. All right. And put in, you know, in your capacity as sales agent, your professional capacity.”

  I changed the receipt and signed it. The druggist notarized.

  Eksar brought that lump of money out of his pants pocket. He counted out 54 crisp new 50s and laid them on the glass counter. Then he picked up the receipt, folded it and put it away. He started for the door.

  I grabbed up the money and went with him. “Anything else?”

  “Nothing else,” he said. “It’s all over. We made our deal.”

  “I know, but we might find something else, another item.”

  “There’s nothing else to find. We made our deal.” And his voice told me he really meant it. It didn’t have a trace of the tell-me-more whine that you’ve got to hear before there’s business.

  I came to a stop and watched him push out through the revolving door. He went right out into the street and turned left and kept moving, all fast, as if he was in a hell of a hurry.

  There was no more business. OK. I had thirty-two hundred and thirty dollars in my wallet that I’d made in one morning.

  But how good had I really been? I mean, what was the top figure in the show’s budget? How close had I come to it?

  I had a contact who maybe could find out—Morris Burlap.

  Morris Burlap is in business like me, only he’s a theatrical agent, sharp, real sharp. Instead of selling a load of used copper wire, say, or an option on a corner lot in Brooklyn, he sells talent. He sells a bunch of dancers to a hotel in the mountains, a piano player to a bar, a disc jockey or a comic to late-night radio. The reason he’s called Morris Burlap is because of these heavy Harris-tweed suits he wears winter and summer, every day in the year. They reinforce the image, he says.

  I called him from a telephone booth near the entrance and filled him in on the giveaway show. “Now, what I want to find out—”

  “Nothing to find out,” he cut in. “There’s no such show, Bernie.”

  “There sure as hell is, Morris. One you haven’t heard of.”

  “There’s no such show. Not in the works, not being rehearsed, not anywhere. Look: before a show gets to where it’s handing out this kind of dough, it’s got to have a slot, it’s got to have air time all bought. And before it even buys air time, a packager has prepared a pilot. By then I’d have gotten a casting call—I’d have heard about it a dozen different ways. Don’t try to tell me my business, Bernie; when I say there’s no such show, there’s no such show.”

  So damn positive he was. I had a crazy idea all of a sudden and turned it off. No. Not that. No.

  “Then it’s a newspaper or college research thing, like Ricardo said?”

  He thought it over. I was willing to sit in that stuffy telephone booth and wait; Morris Burlap has a good head. “Those damn documents, those receipts, newspapers and colleges doing research don’t operate that way. And nuts don’t either. I think you’re being taken, Bernie. How you’re being taken, I don’t know, but you’re being taken.”

  That was enough for me. Morris Burlap can smell a hustle through sixteen feet of rockwool insulation. He’s never wrong. Never.

  I hung up, sat, thought. The crazy idea came back and exploded.

  A bunch of characters from outer space, say they want Earth. They want it for a colony, for a vacation resort, who the hell knows what they want it for? They got their reasons. They’re strong enough and advanced enough to come right down and take over. But they don’t want to do it cold. They need a legal leg.

  All right. These characters from outer space, maybe all they had to have was a piece of paper from just one genuine, accredited human being, signing the Earth over to them. No, that couldn’t be right. Any piece of paper? Signed by any Joe Jerk?

  I jammed a dime into the telephone and called Ricardo’s college. He wasn’t in. I told the switchboard girl it was very important: she said, all right, she’d ring around and try to spot him.

  All that stuff. I kept thinking, the Golden Gate Bridge, the Sea of Azov—they were as much a part of the hook as the twenty-for-a-five routine. There’s one sure test of what an operator is really after: when he stops talking, closes up shop and goes away.

  With Eksar, it had been the Earth. All that baloney about extra rights on the Moon! They were put in to cover up the real thing he was after, for extra bargaining power.

  That’s how Eksar had worked on me. It was like he’d made a special study of how I operate. From me alone, he had to buy.

  But why me?

  All that stuff on the receipt, about my equity, about my professional capacity, what the hell did it mean? I don’t own Earth; I’m not in the planet-selling business. You have to own a planet before you can sell it. That’s law.

  So what could I have sold Eksar? I don’t own any real estate. Are they going to take over my office, claim the piece of sidewalk I walk on, attach the stool in the diner where I have my coffee?

  That brought me back to my first question. Who was this “they”? Who the holy hell were “they”?

  The switchboard girl finally dug up Ricardo. He was irritated. “I’m in the middle of a faculty meeting, Bernie. Call you back?”

  “Just listen a second,” I begged. “I’m in something, I don’t know whether I�
�m coming or going. I’ve got to have some advice.”

  Talking fast—I could hear a lot of bigshot voices in the background—I ran through the story from the time I’d called him in the morning. What Eksar looked like and smelted like, the funny portable color-TV he had, the way he’d dropped all those Moon rights and gone charging off once he’d been sure of the Earth. What Morris Burlap had said, the suspicions I’d been building up, everything. “Only thing is,” I laughed a little to show that maybe I wasn’t really serious about it, “who am I to make such a deal, huh7”

  He seemed to be thinking hard for a while. “I don’t know, Bernie, it’s possible. It does fit together. There’s the UN aspect.”

  “UN aspect? Which UN aspect?”

  “The UN aspect of the situation. The—uh—study of the UN on which we collaborated two years ago.” He was using double talk because of the college people around him. But I got it, I got it.

  Eksar must have known all along about the deal that Ricardo had thrown my way, getting rid of old, used-up office equipment for the United Nations here in New York. They’d given me what they called an authorizing document. In a file somewhere there was a piece of paper, United Nations stationery, saying that I was their authorized sales agent for surplus, secondhand equipment and installations.

  Talk about a legal leg!

  “You think it’ll stand up?” I asked Ricardo. “I can see how the Earth is secondhand equipment and installations. But surplus?”

  “International law is a tangled field, Bernie. And this might be even more complex. You’d be wise to do something about it.”

  “But what? What should I do, Ricardo?”

  “Bernie,” he said, sounding sore as hell, “I told you I’m in a faculty meeting, damn it! A faculty meeting!” And he hung up.

  I ran out of the drugstore like a wild man and grabbed a cab back to Eksar’s hotel.

  What was I most afraid of? I didn’t know: I was so hysterical. This thing was too big-time for a little guy like me, too damn dangerously big-time. It would put my name up in lights as the biggest sellout sucker in history. Who could ever trust me again to make a deal? I had the feeling like somebody had asked me to sell him a snapshot, and I’d said sure, and it turned out to be a picture of the Nike Zeus, you know, one of those top-secret atomic missiles. Like I’d sold out my country by mistake. Only this was worse: I’d sold out my whole goddamn world. I had to buy it back—I had to!

  When I got to Eksar’s room, I knew he was about ready to check out. He was shoving his funny portable TV in one of those cheap leather grips they sell in chain stores. I left the door open, for the light.

  “We made our deal,” he said. “It’s over. No more deals.”

  I stood there, blocking his way. “Eksar,” I told him, “listen to what I figured out. First, you’re not human. Like me, I mean.”

  “I’m a hell of a lot more human than you, buddy boy.”

  “Maybe. But you’re not from Earth—that’s my point. Why you need Earth—”

  “I don’t need it. I’m an agent. I represent someone.”

  And there it was, straight out, you are right, Morris Burlap! I stared into his fish eyes, now practically pushing into my face. I wouldn’t get out of the way. “You’re an agent for someone,” I repeated slowly. “Who? What do they want Earth for?”

  “That’s their business. I’m an agent. I just buy for them.”

  “You work on a commission?”

  “I’m not in business for my health.”

  You sure as hell aren’t in it for your health, I thought. That cough, those tics and twitches—Then I realized what they meant. This wasn’t the kind of air he was used to. Like if I go up to Canada, right away I’m down with diarrhea. It’s the water or something.

  The dirt on his face was a kind of suntan oil! A protection against our sunlight. Blinds pulled down, face smeared over—and dirt all over his clothes so they’d fit in with his face.

  Eksar was no bum. He was anything but. I was the bum. Think fast, Bernie, I said to myself. This guy took you, and big!

  “How much you work on—ten percent?” No answer: he leaned against me, and he breathed and he twitched. “I’ll top any deal you have, Eksar. You know what I’ll give you? Fifteen percent! I hate to see a guy running back and forth for a lousy ten percent.”

  “What about ethics?” he said hoarsely. “I got a client.”

  “Look who’s bringing up ethics! A guy goes out to buy the whole damn Earth for twenty-seven hundred! You call that ethics?”

  Now he got sore. He set down the grip and punched his fist into his hand. “No, I call that business. A deal. I offer, you take. You go away happy, you feel you made out. All of a sudden, here you are back, crying you didn’t mean it, you sold too much for the price. Too bad! I got ethics: I don’t screw my client for a crybaby.”

  “I’m not a crybaby. I’m just a poor schnook trying to scratch out a living. Here, I’m up against a big-time operator from another world with all kinds of angles and gimmicks going for him.” i

  “You had these angles, these gimmicks, you wouldn’t use them?”

  “Certain things I wouldn’t do. Don’t laugh, Eksar, I mean it. I wouldn’t hustle a guy in an iron lung. I wouldn’t hustle a poor schnook with a hole-in-the-wall office to sell out his entire planet.”

  “You really sold,” he said. “That receipt will stand up anywhere. And we got the machinery to make it stand up. Once my client takes possession, the human race is finished, it’s kaput, forget about it. And you’re Mr. Patsy.”

  It was hot in that hotel-room doorway, and I was sweating like crazy. But I was feeling better. All of a sudden, I’d got the message that Eksar wanted to do business with me. I grinned at him.

  He changed color a little under all that dirt. “What’s your offer, anyway?” he asked, coughing. “Name a figure.”

  “You name one. You got the property, I got the dough.”

  “Aah!” he grunted impatiently, and pushed me out of the way. He was strong! I ran after him to the elevator.

  “How much you want, Eksar?” I asked him as we were going down.

  A shrug. “I got a planet, and I got a buyer for it. You, you’re in a jam. The one in a pickle is the one who’s got to tickle.”

  The louse! For every one of my moves, he knew the countermove.

  He checked out and I followed him into the street. Down Broadway we went, me offering him the thirty-two hundred and thirty he’d paid me, him saying he couldn’t make a living out of shoving the same amount of money back and forth all day. “Thirty-four?” Offered. “I mean, you know, thirty-four fifty?” He just kept walking.

  If I didn’t get him to name a figure, any figure, I’d be dead.

  I ran in front of him. “Eksar, let’s stop hustling each other. If you didn’t want to sell, you couldn’t be talking to me in the first place. You name a figure. Whatever it is, I’ll pay it.”

  That got a reaction. “You mean it? You won’t try to chisel?”

  “How can I chisel? I’m over a barrel.”

  “OK, then. I’ll give you a break and save myself a long trip back to my client. What’s fair for you and fair for me and fair all around? Let’s say eight thousand even?”

  Eight thousand—it was almost exactly what I had in the bank. He knew my bank account cold, up to the last statement.

  He knew my thoughts cold, too. “You’re going to do business with a guy,” he said, between coughs, “you check into him a little. You got eight thousand and change. It’s not much for saving a guy’s neck.”

  I was boiling. “Not much? Then let me set you straight, you Florence goddamn Nightingale! You’re not getting it! A little skin I know maybe I have to give up. But not every cent I own, not for you, not for Earth, not for anybody!”

  A cop came up close to see why I was yelling, and I had to calm down until he went away again. “Help! Police! Aliens invading us!” I almost screamed out. What would the street we were stand
ing on look like in ten years if I didn’t talk Eksar out of that receipt?

  “Eksar, your client takes over Earth waving my receipt— I’ll be hung high. But I’ve got only one life, and my life is buying and selling. I can’t buy and sell without capital. Take my capital away, and it makes no difference to me who owns Earth and who doesn’t.”

  “Who the hell do you think you’re kidding?” he said.

  “I’m not kidding anybody. Honest, it’s the truth. Take my capital away, and it makes no difference if I’m alive or if I’m dead.”

  That last bit of hustle seemed to have reached him. Listen, there were practically tears in my eyes the way I was singing it. How much capital did I need, he wanted to know —five hundred? I told him I couldn’t operate one single day with less than seven times that. He asked me if I was really seriously trying to buy my lousy little planet back— or was today my birthday and I was expecting a present from him? “Don’t give your presents to me,” I told him. “Give them to fat people. They’re better than going on a diet.”