“Hey, I got a big date tonight,” says Zelda. “My hair’s in curlers.”
*
Why are there no ice cubes in Poland?
They lost the recipe.
*
Did you hear about the Pole who keeps a store of empty beer bottles handy . . . for his friends who don’t drink.
*
What do Poles say before picking their noses?
Grace.
*
Joe Kowalski emigrates from Poland to America, filled with excitement at the promise his new land holds. He gets into a taxi at the airport and instructs the driver to take him to the Yimca Hotel. Perplexed, the cabbie goes over to another driver, who explains that his passenger means the YMCA. “He must be Polish—that’s where they always want to go.”
Joe is astonished when the cabbie asks him if he’s Polish. How did he know? he wonders. He makes a vow to learn perfect English and become expert in the ways of his new country so that never again will he be taken for a foreigner, let alone a Pole. So he studies and studies, and finally decides it’s time to give his English a field test. Repeating the phrase over and over to get it letter-perfect, he goes out to the corner store. Standing at the counter, he says in perfect English, “May I please have a quart of milk, a dozen eggs, and a quarter pound of Swiss cheese?”
“You Polish or something?” asks the proprietor.
“Why, yes, but . . . how did you know?” stammers Joe. “Did I not say it right?”
“You said it fine,” says the fellow behind the counter, “but this is a hardware store.”
*
Why don’t Polish women breast-feed their babies?
It hurts too much when they boil the nipples.
*
Why do Polish men make lousy lovers?
Because they always wait for the swelling to go down.
*
What’s this? (Puff out your cheeks.)
A Polish sperm bank.
*
What do you call a Pole with 1500 girl friends?
A shepherd.
*
Why are there no Polish ballerinas?
Because when they do splits, they stick to the floor.
*
Why are “Polish” and “polish” spelled the same way?
Because Webster didn’t know shit from Shinola.
*
What happens when a Pole doesn’t pay his garbage bill?
They don’t deliver anymore.
*
Did you hear about the Pole who won a gold medal in the Olympic Games?
He had it bronzed.
*
There’s this farmer with a two-seater outhouse, and one morning he happens to be sharing it with a Pole. “Dammit!” says the farmer, pulling his pants up. “I dropped a quarter in there.”
“Don’t worry, I’ll get it for you,” offers the Pole,who gets up and proceeds to pull out a five-dollar bill and throw it down the farmer’s hole.
“What did you do that for?” asks the bewildered farmer.
“Hell,” says the Pole, “you didn’t think I’d go down there just for a quarter, did you?”
*
Did you hear about the Polish parachute?
It opens on impact.
*
This Pole got married, but he was too dumb to know what to do on his wedding night.
“For God’s sake, Stan,” said his bride, “you take that thing you play with and you put it where I pee.”
So he got up and threw his bowling ball in the sink.
WASP
What does a WASP do when his car breaks down?
Fixes it.
*
How many WASPs does it take to change a light bulb?
One.
*
Two WASPs were walking down the street. One turned to the other and said, “You know, you’re my best friend but you never ask how I’m doing, how things are going, how’s business?”
“Okay,” said his friend, “how’s business?”
“Fine.”
*
What do WASPs do instead of making love?
Rule the country.
*
What does a WASP mom make for dinner?
A crisp salad, a hearty soup, a lovely entree, and a delicious dessert.
Handicapped
What do you call a guy with no arms or legs in the swimming pool?
Bob.
*
What do you call the same guy in the ocean?
Skip.
*
What do you call the same guy at your door?
Matt.
*
What do you call the same guy tacked up on your wall?
Art.
*
How did Helen Keller discover masturbation?
Trying to read her own lips.
*
Desperate about the state of her social life, a young woman resorted to the Personals Ads in the back of her local paper. In the ad she made it quite clear that what she was advertising for was an expert lover; she already had plenty of sensitive friends and meaningful relationships and what she now wanted was to get laid, to put it bluntly.
Phone calls started coming in, with each caller testifying to his sexual prowess, but none quite struck the young woman’s fancy. Until one night her doorbell rang. Opening the door, she found a man with no arms or legs. “I’m terribly sorry,” she stammered, “but my ad was quite explicit. I’m really looking for something of a sexual expert, and you . . . uh . . . don’t have all the . . .”
“Listen,” the man interrupted her, “I rang the doorbell, didn’t I?”
*
What’s the hardest thing about eating vegetables?
The wheelchairs.
*
What’s the definition of endless love?
Ray Charles and Helen Keller playing tennis.
*
Why do farts smell?
So deaf people can appreciate them too.
*
How do you tell the blind guy in a nudist colony?
It’s not hard.
*
There’s this really shy guy who never leaves his room. Although he’s desperately lonely for any sort of companionship, he’s terribly self-conscious about the fact that he has a wooden eye, and even though it’s not very noticeable he doesn’t want to expose himself to ridicule. Finally his best friend says, “Look, if you ever want to do anything with your life you’ve simply got to get out and about. Come with me to the prom on Saturday.”
With the greatest reluctance he agrees, and Saturday night finds him sitting on the bleachers in the high school gym while his friend dances away, until he notices a woman on the other side of the room. She’s not beautiful—in fact she has a harelip—and he screws up his courage to approach her.
“Would you like to dance?” he asks.
Her face lighting up, she cries, “Would I? Would I?”
“Harelip! Harelip!” he shouts back.
*
What has 30,000 feet and still can’t walk?
Jerry’s kids.
*
This guy has a blind date, and when she comes to the door his worst fears are realized: she’s a paraplegic. But he takes her out to dinner and the movies anyway, being a nice guy, and in the movie theater it doesn’t take long for things to work up to the heavy-breathing stage. Still, there she is in her wheelchair, and he’s pretty perplexed about how to take things to the next stage . . . if there’s going to be a next stage.
“Don’t worry,” she whispers in his ear. “Take me to the playground, and I’ll hang from the jungle gym.”
So he does just that, and they manage to have a pretty good time. She gets a little dirty and scratched up in the process though, and he’s somewhat apprehensive when her father comes to the door to let her in. “You see, sir . . . ” he begins, but her father interrupts him with effusive thanks. “Don’t worry about a thing, young man. The last three
guys left her hanging there.”
*
Did you hear the one about the queer deaf mute?
Neither did he.
*
What goes, “Marc! Marc!?”
A dog with a harelip.
*
What goes, “Nort! Nort!?”
A bull with a cleft palate.
More Jokes for the Blind
Male Anatomy
This fellow married a virgin and wanted to go to special pains to make sure her sexual inexperience wasn’t to be a cause of any tension or trouble. He explained that he didn’t ever want her to feel pressured into having sex with him, but wanted it to come of her own free will. “In fact, darling,” he said to her tenderly, “I think we should set up a little system in code to make all this as simple as possible. Here’s how it’ll work: when you want to have sex, pull my penis once; when you don’t want to have sex, pull my penis a hundred times.”
*
What did the Pole do before going to the cock fight?
Greased his zipper.
*
What’s the difference between “ooh” and “aah?”
About three inches.
*
What do you get when you cross a rooster and a telephone pole?
A thirty-foot cock that wants to reach out and touch someone.
*
Did you hear about the man who couldn’t spell?
He spent the night in a warehouse.
*
Why can’t you circumcise Iranians?
There’s no end to those pricks.
*
One night after their proprietor was asleep, the parts of the body were arguing about which had the toughest job. “I’ve really got it rough,” bemoaned the feet. “He puts me in these smelly sneakers, makes me jog till I’ve got blisters . . . it’s brutal!”
“You got nothing to complain about,” maintained the stomach. “Last night I got nothing but bourbon, pizza, and aspirin. It’s a miracle I kept it together.”
“Oh quit bitching, you two,” moaned the penis. “Every night, I’m telling you, he sticks me in a dark tunnel and makes me do push-ups until I throw up.”
*
There once was a pro football player called Smithers, whose main role was warming the bench. Every game he would put on his pads, smear his cheeks with charcoal, don his helmet and run out onto the field with the rest of the team; but play after play, game after game, season after season went by without Smithers ever being called into action.
One Saturday near the end of the season Smithers was feeling lousy. “Helene,” he asked his longtime girl friend, “I want you to do me a favor. Dress up in my uniform, smear your face, put on my helmet, and sit on the bench for me this game. You know I never play, and nobody’ll ever know.”
Helene required some additional convincing but finally agreed, and sure enough, no one on Smithers’ team gave her the time of day. The first half passed without event; she hung out in the locker room during halftime; the third quarter went by smoothly, and it wasn’t until the last quarter that one man after another started falling to injuries. The bench grew emptier and emptier and finally, in desperation, the coach barked, “Smithers, get in there!”
Rather panicked, Helene went out onto the field, crouched down in the lineup, and was knocked cold within the first three seconds of play. When she came to, the coach was vigorously massaging her pussy. “Don’t worry, Smithers,” he said nervously, “once we get your balls back in place, your cock’ll pop right up.”
*
What’s the definition of conceit?
A mosquito with a hard-on floating down the river on his back shouting, “Open the drawbridge!”
*
An international conference of sexologists was convened to determine once and for all why the penis is shaped the way it is. Each national delegation had done extensive research and was to announce its results.
Said the French spokesman, “We have spent five million francs and can now firmly state zat ze penis is ze shape it is in order to give pleasure to ze woman.”
“I say,” said the British representative, “we’ve spent thirty thousand pounds and are quite sure that the shape is in order to give maximum pleasure to the man.”
“We’ve spent a million bucks,” drawled the American, “and there’s no further doubt about the fact that it’s that shape so your hand doesn’t slip off the end.”
*
What’s the dumbest part of a man?
His prick. (It’s got no brains, its best friends are two nuts, and it lives next door to an asshole.)
*
When Paddy O’Brian died, Father Flannigan was there to console the bereaved widow. “You know, Molly, the whole community is here to help you through this time of sorrow,” he said, “and of course you know I’ll do anything I can for you.”
Parting her veil and drying her tear-stained cheeks, the widow whispered a single request in Father Flannigan’s ear. The priest blushed scarlet and refused outright, but the widow continued her pleas and finally he gave in. He left, saying, “Give me twenty-four hours.”
The next day he showed up at the house with something in a brown paper bag.
The widow popped the contents into a pot on the stove, and it was boiling away when a neighbor dropped by. “I say, Molly,” said the neighbor opening the lid, “isn’t that Paddy’s penis?”
“Indeed it is,” said Molly. “All his life I had to eat it his way, and now I’m eating it mine.”
*
What three two-letter words can best dampen a man’s ardor in bed?
“Is it in?”
*
How can a real man tell when his girlfriend’s having an orgasm?
Real men don’t care.
*
What’s a guy with a 12-inch cock have for breakfast?
Well, this morning I had two eggs over easy, whole wheat toast, and coffee . . . .
*
What has a thousand teeth and eats wienies?
A zipper.
*
What do you get when you cross a penis and a potato?
A dicktater.
*
Did you hear about the guy who got his vasectomy done at Sears?
Every time he gets a hard-on, the garage door goes up.
*
A woman sought the advice of a sex therapist, confiding that she found it increasingly difficult to find a man who could satisfy her, and that it was very wearisome getting in and out of all these short-term relationships. “Isn’t there some way to judge the size of a man’s equipment from the outside?” she asked earnestly.
“The only foolproof way,” counseled the therapist, “is by the size of his feet.”
So the woman went downtown and proceeded to cruise the streets, until she came across a young fellow standing in an unemployment line with the biggest feet she had ever laid eyes on. She took him out to dinner, wined and dined him, and then took him back to her apartment for an evening of abandon.
When the man woke up the next morning, the woman had already gone out. By the bedside table was a $50 bill and a note that read, “With my compliments, take this money and go out and buy a pair of shoes that fit you.”
*
What’s the difference between anxiety and panic?
Anxiety is the first time you can’t do it a second time, and panic is the second time you can’t do it the first time.
*
This 600-pound guy decides he can’t go on living this way, so he seeks the help of a clinic and proceeds to go on a drastic diet. It works: four months later he’s down to 160 pounds and feeling great, except for one problem. He’s covered with great folds of flesh where the fat used to be.
He calls up the clinic, and the doctor tells him not to worry. “There’s a special surgical procedure to correct this condition,” the doctor assures him. “Just come on over to the clinic.”
“But doctor,” says the one-time fatty, “you
don’t understand. I’m too embarrassed to be seen in public like this.”
“Don’t give it another thought,” says the doctor. “Simply pull up all the folds as high as they’ll go, pile the flesh on top of your head, put on a top hat, and come on over.”
The guy follows the instructions and provokes no comments until he reaches the clinic and is standing in front of the admitting nurse’s desk, dying of self-consciousness.
“The doctor will be right with you,” says the nurse. “Say, what’s that hole in the middle of your forehead?”
“My belly button,” blurts out the guy, “how d’ya like my tie?”
*
Did you hear about the flasher who decided to retire?
Yeah, but he changed his mind and decided to stick it out another year.
Female Anatomy
What do you call a woman who can suck a golf ball through fifty feet of garden hose?
Darling.
*
What’s the perfect woman?
A deaf, dumb, and blind nymphomaniac who owns a liquor store.
*
This well-to-do suburban matron makes an appointment for her annual checkup with a new gynecologist. Following the examination, he ushers her into his office to give her the results. “You’ll be glad to hear that everything is absolutely in order,” he says, leaning forward with a smile. “In fact, you have the cleanest vagina I’ve ever seen.”
“It should be,” she snaps. “I’ve got a colored man coming in twice a week.”
*
Truly Tasteless Jokes Two Page 3