A young lady went out on a date with a young man she found quite attractive, so after dinner and the movies she invited him back to her apartment. Sitting him down on her couch with a drink, she proceeded to nibble on his ear, play with his hair, and so on, but the fellow only pulled up his collar and rubbed his hands together for warmth. The young lady pulled out all the stops, sitting on his lap, even directing his hands to appropriate portions of her anatomy. But he took no action whatsoever and violently resisted her efforts to unbutton even a single one of his outer garments.
Finally in desperation, after a particularly passionate kiss had met with no response, she said, “You know, I have a hole down here.”
“Oh,” he said with evident relief, “so that’s where the draft is coming from!”
*
It was late at night, and the tired cabbie was on his last run of the night. Reaching the destination, he said to the little old lady in the back seat, “That’ll be eight bucks, please.”
There was no answer, so thinking her hearing might be at fault, he said loudly, “Lady, the fare is eight bucks.”
Still no response. So he turned around, only to be greeted by the sight of the elderly woman hoisting her skirts and spreading her legs, no underwear impairing his view.
“Well, sonny,” she cackled, “will this be payment enough?”
“Aw, lady,” he sighed, “doncha have anything smaller?”
*
What do you call a JAP’s nipple?
The tip of the iceberg.
*
Why do women like hunters?
Three reasons:
They go deep into the bush.
They always shoot twice.
And they always eat what they shoot.
*
This middle-aged woman decides she’s not getting any younger and that it’s time to spice up her sex life. Since she has always had a crush on the Beatles, she goes to the local tattooist with a very specific request. “I would like John Lennon tattooed on the inside of my right thigh, looking up,” she instructs him, “and Paul McCartney on the left thigh, looking up. Now, are you sure you can handle this?”
The tattooist assures her that he’s the best in the business, and sets to work.
A week or two later, the recuperation period is over. The woman takes off the bandages and goes over to her mirror in great anticipation, only to discover that to her horror the two portraits bear no resemblance at all to Lennon and McCartney. She rushes over to the tattooist’s office in a rage.
“I don’t see what you’re complaining about,” he says soothingly. “I think the likenesses are astonishing. But clearly we need a third, unbiased opinion. So he goes out to the sidewalk and brings back the first person he encounters, a wino still reeling from the night before. Confronting him with the evidence, the tattooist asks the wino, “Now on that right side, does that look like John Lennon?”
“I dunno,” says the wino after a long silence.
“Well, how about the left one?” asks the tattooist. “Is that or is that not the spitting image of Paul McCartney?”
“I dunno,” says the wino after considerable thought. “But that guy in the middle with the beard and the bad breath, that’s gotta be Willie Nelson.”
*
What’s the only thing used sanitary napkins are good for?
Tea bags for vampires.
*
Why does it take women longer to climax?
Who cares?
*
How can you tell if a Polish woman is having her period?
She’s only wearing one sock.
*
What’s the latest disease in Poland?
Toxic Sock Syndrome!
*
Three guys were sitting around in a bar discussing whose wife was the most frigid. Harry was definitely sure he had the worst of it. “Listen, you guys,” he said, “my wife comes to bed with an ice cube in each hand, and in the morning they haven’t begun to melt.”
“That’s nothing,” said Phil. “My wife likes to have a glass of water on the bedside table, but by the time she’s carried it from the bathroom to the bedroom, it’s frozen solid.”
“Aw, hell,” said Herb, “my wife is so frigid that when she spreads her legs, the furnace kicks on.”
*
What’s the difference between a magician and a chorus line?
A magician has cunning feats and stunts.
*
God has just spent six days creating the heavens and the earth, and since it’s the seventh day of rest, He and Gabriel are sitting back and admiring His handiwork.
“You know, God,” says Gabriel, “you have done one hell of a job—excuse my language. Those snowy peaks are unbelievably majestic, and the woods, with those little sunny dells and meadows . . . masterful. Not to mention the oceans: those fantastic coral reefs and all the sea creatures and the waves crashing on the beaches. And all the animals—from fleas to elephants—what a job. Not to mention the heavens; how could I leave them out? What a touch, that Milky Way.”
God beams.
“I just have the smallest suggestion, if you’ll excuse my presumption,” says Gabriel. “You know those sample humans you put down there in the Garden of Eden?”
God nods, a frown furrowing His brow.
“Well,” says Gabriel, “I was just wondering whether, for all the obvious reasons, they shouldn’t have differing sets of genitalia as all the other animals do?”
God reflects on this for a minute, and then a smile crosses His face. “You’re right,” He exclaims. “Give the dumb one a cunt!”
*
When you order a Bloody Mary, how can you tell if the waitress is mad at you?
She leaves the string in.
*
Why do women rub their eyes when they get out of bed in the morning?
Because they don’t have balls to scratch.
*
Mrs. Smith was quite embarrassed when little Johnny burst into the shower, pointed at her pubic hair, and asked loudly, “What’s that, Mommy?”
“That’s my sponge, honey,” she explained.
She was even more embarrassed when Johnny burst in a week later, because, to satisfy one of Mr. Smith’s kinkier requests, she had shaved herself. In answer to Johnny’s question, she hastily explained that she had lost her sponge. “It got dirty, honey, and I threw it out the window.”
Johnny was gone for a couple of hours, but came back with a big grin on his face. “I found your sponge, Mommy,” he cried. “I looked in the Browns’ window, and Mrs. Brown was washing Mr. Brown’s face with it!”
*
There was great excitement in the laboratory when the eminent scientist announced a new invention—the apple. That was nothing new, his colleagues pointed out; the apple had been around for a long time.
“Yes, but this apple tastes like pussy,” proudly explained the scientist. “Try it.”
A skeptical fellow took a big bite, only to spit it out all over the floor. “It tastes like shit,” he said disgustedly.
“Indeed,” said the scientist. “Turn it around.”
*
What’s the function of a woman?
Life-support system for a pussy.
*
What do you call a truckload of vibrators?
Toys for twats.
*
The elementary school lesson for the day was The Farm. “All right, children,” said the teacher, “who can tell me the name of the big building all the animals sleep in?”
“The barn,” piped up Melissa.
“Very good, Melissa. And who knows the name of the tall, cylindrical building next to the barn that the farmer stores the grain in?”
“The silo,” said Susie.
“Right, Susie. And who knows what the little metal bird up on the roof of the barn is called, class? Mark?”
“That’s . . . uh . . . the weather-thing.”
“Well, you’re right, Mark,
it is for telling us something about the weather. But who can tell us what the exact name is, and why?”
“It’s a weathercock,” explained Davey, “because if it were a weather cunt the wind would blow right through it.”
*
How can you tell if a woman is wearing pantyhose?
If her ankles swell up when she farts.
*
Why are hockey goaltenders and Polish girls alike?
They both change their pads after three periods.
*
Did you hear about the Italian girl who thought a sanitary belt was a drink from a clean shot glass?
*
Cinderella is thrilled about her invitation to the ball, but her feelings soon turn to dismay when she realizes she has nothing but rags to wear. “Don’t worry,” says her fairy godmother, and— Poof— a beautiful gown and sparkling pair of slippers instantly appear. “But there’s a condition,” warns the godmother as Cinderella preens in front of the mirror. “You must be home by midnight or your pussy will turn into a pumpkin.”
The dazzling Cinderella soon captures the heart of the most handsome man at the ball, and they are dancing away rapturously—until Cinderella remembers to look at her watch. “Oh my God,” she gasps. “It’s almost midnight! I must be going.” But the young man runs after her as she makes for the door, begging her to stay and insisting that she at least give him her name so that he can find her again.
“My name is Cinderella,” she says. “What’s yours?”
“Peter Peter Pumpkin Eater,” says he.
“Oh, in that case I’ll stay.”
*
Harry was delighted when he found a young woman who accepted his proposal of marriage, as he was sensitive about his wooden leg and a bit afraid no one would have him. In fact, he couldn’t bring himself to tell his fiancee about his leg when he slipped the ring on her finger, nor when she bought the dress, nor when they picked the time and place. All he kept saying was, “Darling, I’ve got a big surprise for you,” at which she blushed and smiled bewitchingly.
The wedding itself came and went, and the young couple were at last alone in their hotel room. “Now don’t forget, Harry, you promised me a big surprise,” said the bride.
Unable to say a word, Harry turned out the lights, unstrapped his wooden leg, slipped into bed, and placed his wife’s hand on the stump.
“Hmmmmm,” she said softly, “that is a surprise. But pass me the Vaseline, and I’ll see what I can do.”
*
Fred’s wife refused to wear underwear, and it drove him crazy. He didn’t think it was proper or sanitary or right, but nothing he said persuaded her to mend her ways. But when she caught a bad cold one winter, Fred had a brainstorm. Calling up the family doctor, he said, “Doc, I wish you’d come and look in on my wife; she’s got a terrible cold. And there’s something else you could do for me. You see, she’s got this terrible habit of going around without any underwear on, and if you could somehow persuade her that the cold was linked to that, why, I’d pay you double.”
The doctor came right over and found the woman wrapped in a blanket on the living room sofa, blowing her nose. Looking down her throat, the doctor said, “Mrs. Brown, I’ll give you something for this cold . . . but if you don’t start wearing underpants, it’s going to bother you all winter.”
“You mean to tell me, doctor,” she said, “that you can tell from looking down my throat that I’m not wearing panties?”
“That’s right,” he assured her.
“Well then, would you mind looking up my asshole and letting me know if my hat’s on straight?”
*
This couple is lying in bed one morning, and she takes it in mind to tell him the dream she had the night before. “Honey, I dreamed I was at a cock auction: there were extra-large cocks going for $90 or so, medium-size cocks selling for $50, and itty-bitty ones for $1.50.”
“Say, was mine in the auction?” the man inquires a bit anxiously.
“Honey, yours would’ve been too big to get in the door.”
A couple of days later they’re lying in bed again, and the man says, “You wouldn’t believe what I dreamed last night: that I was at a pussy auction. There were great big ones, and little hairy ones, oh, all kinds.”
“Well, did you see mine?” she asks.
“Baby,” he says, “the auction was in your pussy.”
*
The divorce case was an especially acrimonious one, as the wife was suing on the grounds that her husband had completely failed to satisfy her. “Frankly,” she advised the court in a stage whisper, “he was so poorly endowed—and I mean tiny—that it just wasn’t even worth the effort.”
The sympathetic judge awarded a large cash settlement to the woman, and as she left the stand and walked past her husband, she hissed, “So long, sucker.”
Sticking a finger in each corner of his mouth and pulling it as wide as possible, he said, “So long, bitch.”
*
What do soybeans and dildos have in common?
They’re both meat substitutes.
*
What do eating pussy and the Mafia have in common?
One slip of the tongue and you’re in deep shit.
*
What’s worse than getting raped by Jack the Ripper?
Getting fingered by Captain Hook.
*
Why is it so groovy to be a test-tube baby?
Because you’ve got a womb with a view.
*
Mel and Howie are frequent fishing partners, but Howie always catches more fish than Mel. One Saturday morning they’re out on the lake, and Howie’s pulled in a couple of nice-sized bass. Mel notices Howie sniffing his bait before putting it on the hook.
“How come?” he asks his friend.
“I have this friend who works in an autopsy room,” explains Howie, “and he slips me the cunts. They make great bait.”
“I can see that,” says Mel. “But why do you smell them?”
“Every so often he slips in an asshole.”
*
Why did a fellow trade in his wife for an outhouse?
The hole was smaller and the smell was better.
*
There was this girl who lived in New Jersey, and she loved it so much that she named parts of her body after places in the Garden State. One night she confided this to her boyfriend as he was beginning to feel up her right tit. “I bet you call this Mount Pleasant,” he said, and she smiled in assent.
Working his hand down her ass, he asked, “And this?”
“I call that Freehole,” said she.
Getting hot and heavy, he maneuvered his hand around to the front. “I bet you call this Cherry Hill,” he said triumphantly.
“Nope. That’s Eatontown.”
*
Why do women have two holes so close together?
In case you miss.
*
If God hadn’t meant us to eat pussy, He wouldn’t have made it look like a taco.
*
Did you hear about the bride who was so horny she carried a bouquet of batteries?
Homosexual
There are these two gay guys who decide they want to have a baby. So they find an obliging lesbian, have her impregnated by sperm donation, and are simply thrilled when she gives birth to a seven-pound baby boy. They rush to the hospital for the first viewing of their son, standing with their noses pressed against the glass of the nursery window and surveying row upon row of squalling infants. Except for one quiet, clean little baby, cooing softly to itself amid all the chaos.
Sure enough, when the gays ask to see their son, the nurse heads for the quiet baby and brings him over for the proud parents to ogle.
“Gee,” said one of them to the nurse, “he sure is well behaved compared to the rest of those howling brats, isn’t he?”
“Oh, he’s quiet now,” said the nurse, “but he squalls like all the rest when I take the pacifier out of his
ass.”
*
Two gay guys, Larry and Phil, were driving down the highway when they were rear-ended by a huge semi. Somewhat shaken, they maneuvered over to the side of the road, where Phil instructed Larry to get out and confront the truck driver. “Tell him we’re going to sue, sue, sue!” he shrieked.
Obligingly Larry got out and went around to the cab of the truck to deliver this message to the huge, burly driver, whose response was to snarl, “Ah, why doncha suck my cock.”
“Phil,” said Larry, coming back to their car, “I think we’re going to be able to settle out of court.”
*
What do you call a lesbian Eskimo?
A Klondike.
*
How do you identify a bull dyke?
She kick-starts her vibrator and rolls her own tampons.
*
What do you get when you cross a gay Eskimo and a black?
A snowblower that doesn’t work.
*
This guy is taking a leak in a public men’s room when a man enters with his arms held out from his sides, bent at the elbows with his hands dangling awkwardly, and comes over to him. “Would you do me a favor and unzip my fly?” he asks.
Figuring the man to be a poor cripple, perhaps an accident victim, the guy obliges, not without a flush of embarrassment when the man next requests that he take out his prick and hold it in the appropriate position.
“Shake it off” is the next instruction, then “zip me up,” and the guy follows orders, wincing at his own embarrassment and at the shame of being so helpless.
“Say, thanks,” says the man, flouncing to the door. “I guess my nails are dry now.”
*
What’s the definition of confusion?
Twenty blind lesbians in a fish market.
*
What’s the definition of a Bloody Mary?
A wounded faggot.
*
What do you call a lesbian opera singer?
A muff diva.
Truly Tasteless Jokes Two Page 4