Be With You (Loneliness)

by Alison Cole

  I choose to wear a sun dress with wide shoulder straps. It is quite warm out, so this dress is quite suitable. I slip on high-heeled shoes to complete my outfit, then style my hair into a French braid, so I can keep my hair off my neck. I brush on light cosmetics.

  Lizzie's dress is a miniature of mine - I found several really cute "mummy and me" outfits and bought them. She looks so cute! Her hair is now a light-brown and curly, rather than wavy. I comb it into a curly ponytail and tie a bright-pink bow around it so it matches the color of our dresses. She is wearing a darling, pink pair of sandals.

  Marcus wears a pair of khaki slacks and a short-sleeved green shirt that highlights his beautiful eyes. His hair is newly cut, giving him the casual look of a young executive.

  We have welcome home gifts for Millie and Robert. Marcus loads these into the back of our vehicle as I strap Lizzie into her car seat. We go into his parents' house, where he sets the gifts to one side and I help Ruby with dinner preparations. Marcus and Andrew, his dad, finish setting up picnic tables and chairs in the back yard.

  Shortly after, Millie and Robert arrive. She has chosen to wear a dark-grey minister's shirt with a high collar and a black skirt. Hmmm. She will be quite hot, as our temperatures have edged into the 60's. Still, she is an ordained minister.

  I notice that, when Millie looks at me, she's not as friendly as she was at the airport. I brush this off, believing she is jet-lagged from their long flight. I edge into the back of the group, just listening as I watch over Lizzie and gorge my eyes on the lovely sunlight and flowers in Ruby's garden. I sit with Marcus - we place Lizzie in between us so we can both help her with her food and keep her entertained. After we eat, Andrew asks me several questions about our band. I answer them and, as I glance at Millie, I see her give a disdainful sniff! I am in shock, so I decide it's time to talk about other topics, so I bring up Marcus's work and Lizzie's sayings and doings.

  Sometime later, I walk behind Millie to scoop up some more dessert for Lizzie and me - the bowl and spoon are behind her. As I'm scooping up our portions, I overhear Millie as she whispers to Robert - "She's a loose slut."

  Marcus has gotten up to help me, so he hears the same thing. We both look at each other in shock. We leave our bowls on the serving table and tell Ruby and Andrew that it's time for us to take Lizzie home.

  "I don't want her getting overtired and unable to sleep," I tell them.

  Marcus and I decide to wait until we get home to discuss what Millie said. He says only one thing - "I don't remember Millie being so judgmental in the past." At home, after we give Lizzie her bath and put her down for the night, we sit down with ale and wine so we can talk.

  "Marcus, I have a question - what kind of divinity school did Millie attend in the United States?" I ask.

  "I'm not positive, but I think she went to a pretty conservative school. She never used to be this narrow-minded and judgmental. She stuck up for those who were being picked on and now - she's doing the picking. I don't like it one damn bit," Marcus says.

  "Sweetheart, I am hurt by what she said. But I want to give her the benefit of the doubt," I tell him. "I want to keep peace in the family."

  After practice today, we pop round to Millie's and Robert's new home. Inside their house, Millie is, once again, cold toward me.

  Marcus, seeing this, takes her aside to ask her straight up what she is thinking and doing. I am left with Lizzie and Robert, so we discuss his plans to find a posting as a social worker here in Saint Albans. We're talking about the kind of social work he prefers when a loud argument develops in the sitting room. Millie is shouting at Marcus, telling him that he has made a mistake marrying me!

  "She'll cuckold you, Marcus! All performers do! Just don't you come to me when you find out that the next brat she's carrying isn't yours!"

  Lizzie isn't used to shouting, loud voices or arguments. What is going on in the Smythe sitting room frightens her and she begins to cry.

  "Oh, I'm sorry, my darling! It will be okay - you're with mummy and I'll keep you safe right here with me," I tell her.

  Marcus is as mad as I've ever seen him - and he has gotten mad about our situation with Cara and Melanie. He storms out from the sitting room and collects Lizzie and me. We leave straightaway, after telling Robert goodbye.

  I look at Marcus, who's stormy mad as he drives us home.

  "Well, it's official, isn't it? Millie officially hates my guts," I say. I don't dare say anything about Lizzie with her in the back seat!

  "We will be spending as little time as we possibly can around Millie and Robert," Marcus says quietly. "Of course, we will have to be around them at my family's gatherings - but we will simply be courteous for the sake of family peace. Interact as little as you possibly can with her," he suggests to me. "She has changed markedly. She's not as accepting of others - I need to research the politics of the conservatives in America, but she seems to have become a staunch conservative with very, very narrow views. I wonder what she'd make of Nigel!"

  I sigh. Nigel is gay, and in a committed relationship with his partner of some thirteen years.

  "I don't want to hurt your mum and dad with this, Marcus. Let's not say anything just yet to them. It's enough that we know what she is and how she is. We're adult and we can deal with it. All we can do is protect ourselves, Lizzie and any other child we may have in the near future," I tell him.

  "About that - I hope you know that I trust you absolutely and implicitly, Jo. I know that you're faithful to me and that Lizzie's mine - and that any other children we have will be mine, as well," says Marcus.

  I put my hand on his thigh. "I know. She's only hurting herself, her husband - and her congregation with her judgmental views. I can be around her, even if I need to bite my tongue. One thing - we will not be forcing You-Know-Who to interact with her auntie." I motion with my eyes to Lizzie in the rear seat.

  "Excellent idea. I'm fine with that," Marcus says. He's now calmer, knowing that, while I don't like the situation, I can handle it.

  Chapter 3

  Still, this means that we have to go round the elder Hadley's home several times a month. I dress as conservatively as I can and mind my P's and Q's at my inlaw's home. I monitor Lizzie very closely so she is not forced to spend any more time than necessary in her aunt's company. This is not difficult at all - after hearing her aunt and daddy in the middle of a screaming row, she refuses to have anything to do with either Millie or Robert! Because of this, I spend much of my time conversing with Ruby and Andrew.

  Of course, this becomes yet another bone of contention between Millie, Marcus and me. We are at one gathering, sitting in Ruby's sitting room. Millie beckons Lizzie to her. Lizzie simply shakes her head firmly, indicating "no." She's afraid of her auntie. Because I have decided I am not going to force Lizzie to spend any time with Millie, I let Lizzie climb into my lap. And...Millie goes off on me, accusing me of being a lax mother and spoiling my baby girl. She approaches me and grabs Lizzie from my lap.

  "Mummy, no! Daddy, no want!" Lizzie begins screaming and crying, kicking at her aunt. Marcus jumps up and grabs Lizzie, taking her forcefully away from Millie and refusing to give her back. He sits next to me.

  Millie looks at me, Marcus and Lizzie and asks him point-blank how he can be sure Lizzie is his!

  Marcus becomes absolutely enraged. He hands Lizzie to his mum and asks her to take her to another part of the house so she won't hear what he's about to say. Ruby, who does not like confrontation, grows visibly nervous and scuttles from the room to a back bedroom.

  Marcus pulls me next to him and wraps his arm around my waist.

  "Millie, when we leave, have a damned heart and take a good look into Lizzie's eyes. Once you do, ask yourself this question: 'Does the color remind you of anyone you know closely and say you love?'"

  With that, we go find Lizzie, collect her, her toys and my handbag and we leave. The outing has been ruined for us.

  The next day, Andrew, Marcus's dad, comes to the
house after we get home from my practice with the band.

  "Marcus, Johanna, I am so sorry for Millie's outburst. She was out of line, saying what she said."

  Marcus looks at me, giving me the decision. I decide it's time to speak up and tell Andrew what's been happening.

  "Dad, at their welcome home garden party, I - we - overheard Millie say that I'm a 'loose slut' by virtue of my singing career. That's why she said what she did about Lizzie and Marcus this past weekend. She's trying to convince him that Lizzie's not his birth child - that, somehow, I went behind his back and...I'm sorry, this will sound very crude...fucked someone else and got pregnant," I say.

  "Oh, my God! I didn't know it was that bad, although I had picked up on some tensions. I had a very stern talking-to with Millie after you lot left my house."

  I shake my head. "Dad, I don't know if that will help or not. I hope it will. But, just in case it doesn't, I will take Lizzie round to my parent's when we go to your house. I refuse to subject Lizzie to such treatment ever again."

  "I'm...I'm so sorry that it's necessary to do this. Will we be able to see Lizzie?" asks Andrew.

  "Of course! Any time you and mum want to come by, let us know and you are free to spend as much time with Lizzie as you want!" Marcus says.

  "Dad, you and Ruby are more than welcome to come round our house for a visit and tea. Just...not Millie or Robert," I say.

  "Johanna, I don't know why she became the way she is. She used to be so much more welcoming and accepting of others, but..."

  "Dad, we noticed that. When we learned she and Robert would be coming home, I told Jo that she has always held strong opinions, but that she was fair and she fought for others. Now...I don't know," Marcus says. "It's like...she is not the same person."

  I sense he's holding something back, so I don't say anything. I think it has to do with his research of American conservative groups and politics.

  Andrew leaves shortly after, once he has gotten a hug and kiss from Lizzie, who is happy to see her granddad.

  While I make dinner, Marcus and I talk.

  "Jo, I am so sorry for Millie's treatment of you and Lizzie. Her behavior has been abysmal ever since she returned to England..." he sighs with his head downcast.

  I set the cutting knife down and dry my hands - I have been cutting veggies for our dinner.

  "Marcus, sweetheart, it's not your fault. You didn't cause her to take on this hateful attitude. Yes, it's hurtful to me and potentially harmful to Lizzie and any children we may have in future, but we can do something about it - and we are. Don't forget - you told me even before she came back that she has always been opinionated and outspoken, even before she emigrated to the U.S. for school. Besides, we don't go to her church, do we? We go elsewhere, a church where the vicar and congregation accept you, Lizzie and me for who we are. If Millie asks us about that, we will simply tell her that we already have a church where we are established - and that we intend to continue on as members there."

  Marcus gathers me into a heartfelt hug, rocking me and apologizing again with his actions. He really does feel bad about this!

  We have dinner - roasted beef and potatoes, with spring veggies. I have to tempt Lizzie to finish her serving, after which I serve her a scoop of her favorite ice cream....vanilla bean.

  Marcus takes Lizzie upstairs and bathes her while I clean the kitchen and do the dishes. After she's in bed, I take the baby monitor, although she's unlikely to wake up and we go outside to water the lawn, trees and flowers. Marcus is pulling the hosepipe while I aim it at what needs watering. After several minutes, we hear a persistent honking from the rear gate. Marcus goes to check it out - it's Millie! I listen closely as I continue watering the trees and flowerbeds.

  "Let me in. I want to talk to you." I hear Millie's high-pitched voice trying to reason with Marcus.

  "No. You insulted my wife and scared my daughter half out of her wits. I'm not unlocking this gate," Marcus says, shaking his head.

  "Awww, c'mon, please! I'm your big sister!"

  "The big sister who insulted my wife. You don't come in!"

  Millie must have backed down. I continue to listen to their conversation.

  "Very well. I only came by to invite you to join my new church."

  "No, thank you. We're members of another church and we've already decided we're going to continue going there," Marcus says.

  I hear Millie's tone of voice going up again. Uh-oh. She's not happy!

  "What? I'm a minister now! You have to go to my church! It looks better for me to have my family attending my church, so you will go!"

  O-o-o-h, she's got a strident voice. I look up to the second floor, hoping Lizzie's bedroom window is closed. Thank God, it is. I shut off the hosepipe and grab the baby monitor, then go join Marcus at the gate.

  Millie is in full voice now, and she's regaling the entire neighborhood with her beliefs and convictions.

  "Why won't you attend my church?"

  "I just told you. We're members elsewhere. We are welcome and comfortable over there," Marcus repeats.

  Funny. She's wearing a minister's collar, but her attitude is...not God-like. She's hateful!

  "Well, just revoke your membership there and join my church. Y'have to."

  "Millie, we don't have to do a damn thing. We're going to church and Lizzie's getting a good, decent understanding of God where we're going."

  "Hmmmmph. I wasn't aware that your wife was a church-goer. I mean, she's got this loose, permissive lifestyle, and I shudder to think how little Lizzie will grow up, not knowing God," says Millie.

  I lose my patience at this statement. Looking at Marcus, I signal to him that I want to speak.

  "Millie, I am a churchgoer. Just because I'm a musician and a singer, performing in front of thousands of people, doesn't mean that I can't be a faithful church-goer. I am committed to raising my child - and any other children we may have - as church-goers. What Marcus just told you goes - we will continue our membership where we are presently going. We are welcomed there and we feel comfortable there. Period."

  Millie's mouth folds in on itself, making it look as though she speaks, drinks and eats only through a narrow slit. I didn't know she could do that! She rolls up her window before putting her car into "reverse". She backs up swiftly, nearly striking a passing truck, then she leaves.

  I look over at Marcus and he shrugs his shoulders. What have I gotten myself into?

  Chapter 4

  We finish watering outside, then, after we roll up the hosepipe, we stash it in the shed and go inside. I am quiet, wondering how two such wonderful people as Ruby and Andrew could have produced two such different children! Marcus is very loving, accepting and supportive of all those around him. Even when he disagrees with another person's point of view, he's accepting of the person. In stark contrast, Millie is very narrow-minded and places attributes upon someone based upon their occupation. In my case, to her, "singer" means that I am a loose, promiscuous slut. No matter the evidence to the contrary. No matter that I am, and have always, been faithful to Marcus. No matter that he's the only man I've ever slept with. And, no matter that I'm raising our daughter to be a loving and giving person.

  "Hey, luv, why are you so quiet?" Marcus asks me.

  I explain what I've been thinking.

  "Dismiss her from your mind, luv. She's not worth one jot of worry - she's proven that already. Instead, let's go about making a second baby," Marcus says with a waggle of his eyebrows.

  I smile wholeheartedly at that - I am definitely game! We make sure the house is securely locked and buttoned up and wrap our arms around each other when we go upstairs.

  In our room, we lock the door after making sure we have the baby monitor with us. Marcus and I begin kissing each other deeply. I'm sitting on his lap and I feel his cock as it grows and stiffens, pushing against the backs of my legs. I rock my hips back and forth, already needing to relieve some pressure. Quickly, I unbutton his shirt and push it off his shoul
ders, then unbuckle the belt of his pants, unbutton and unzip his pants and slide my hand inside his boxers.

  Ooooh! It's already fully awake and saluting! I wrap my fingers around it and caress its length and silkiness.

  Marcus groans and thrusts against my hand.

  "Oh, my luv, that feels so fuckin' good! Keep holding it...yes, just like that," he says in a throaty whisper. He unzips my dress and eases it down my shoulders. He doesn't have to worry about a bra - the dress has a built-in bra. He grunts in surprise and happiness, then his hands encircle my sensitive tits.

  I arch myself into his warm hand, moaning all the while. I ease my legs open slightly, inviting him to play with the prize in-between.

  He eagerly takes my invitation, slipping his fingers under my lacy thong and playing with my ever-so-sensitive clit. As he does, I feel moisture seeping out from my pussy, dampening the lace of my thong.

  I give him a light slap on his thigh and he growls. I disengage myself from Marcus' arms and scoot back on the duvet.

  "Come here, lover. We're going to make love and make a little brother or sister for Lizzie," I say in a deep voice.

  Marcus follows me once he shucks his boxers off his body. I see him giving me a greedy, eager grin. He wants me!

  I want him just as badly. I have to force myself not to rock my hips into the duvet. As he nears me, my arms go up and around him, pulling him against me. I sink down against the fluffy pillows, kissing him deeply.

  Marcus wraps an arm around me and one hand returns to my clit, where he begins playing with it again. He sucks and licks my nipples, increasing my level of stimulation, which is already very high.

  I arch my back, keening a high-pitched sound - the twin sensations at my nipples and clit are combining to create an intense orgasm - which hits me - RIGHT NOW!

  "Marcus, now, dammit! I want you inside me, now!" I say from between my clenched teeth.

  Marcus heeds me and looms over me. He enters me and I come immediately, clenching hard around his shaft. The clenching sensation around his shaft pushes Marcus over the edge. He growls into my ear, thrusting two, three and four times, pouring himself into me. We stay joined like this for several minutes as we get our breath. Marcus goes to the bathroom and comes back with a warm washcloth, with which he cleans me off. We slide under the covers and spoon with each other, falling asleep. Several hours later, I wake, feeling Marcus' stiff shaft prodding my ass. He feels me shift and stretch and asks me if I want to make love again.