by S. M. Shade
“Abby! I’m trying to keep you safe. Look at you. Your whole body is trembling. What if I hadn’t showed up?”
He’s right. I barrel into his chest, hugging him hard and pressing my face against his heart. “I’m sorry. Thank you.”
He sighs and kisses the top of my head. “Were you trying to meet with him alone?” I’m as surprised by the edge of jealousy in his voice as I am by the accusation.
“What? No! I just wanted a few minutes by myself. I didn’t know he’d be out here. I don’t want to see him, I swear.”
“I believe you. Let’s take a walk.” It’s not a suggestion. His hand grips mine, and he leads me toward the lake.
“I don’t want to talk about him, Joseph.”
“Of course you don’t. Fortunately, I don’t give much of a shit what you want right now, Abigail. I’m more concerned with what you need.”
“I need to prepare Carson.”
“So, you’re going to go through with it?”
“I don’t have much choice.”
“Sure you do. Airen and I will send his ass back to Indianapolis.”
“He won’t give up until he gets his way. We don’t need a new enemy to guard against. I won’t force Carson if he doesn’t want to meet him, but I don’t think that’ll be an issue.”
“Are you worried about his influence on Carson?”
“No, he’s had two great role models to emulate. He considers Airen his father, and you know he looks up to you.” I squeeze his hand. “I just don’t want him to be disappointed when he realizes what his father is like.”
“And you’re worried Jon will reveal some deep dark secret that will make us quit loving you,” he murmurs.
“We’ve covered that already.”
“It’s not going to happen, my girl.” The blare of Airen’s voice over the radio clipped to Joseph’s belt saves me from answering.
“Is Abby with you?”
“Yeah, we’re just taking a walk.”
“All right. I’m heading to Eric’s to patch the roof. Lane and Walker are with Jayla, elbow deep in finger paint.”
Joseph chuckles. “Thanks for the warning.”
There’s a pause before Airen’s asks, “How are you, Abby?”
“Fine. We need to talk tonight.”
“Sure thing, darlin’. I’ll see you later. I love you.” I’m flooded with guilt at the longing in his voice, the hope that I’ve forgiven him. I’m such a bitch.
“I love you, too. Be careful, Air.” I’m awarded with the sight of Joseph’s adorable dimples as a sunny smile brightens his face. “I’m still mad,” I mutter petulantly, after Airen signs off.
“You’re still scared,” he corrects. God, he’s infuriating, especially when he’s right.
“That too. Can we go home now?”
“Not just yet. Look familiar?” I look up from the leaf strewn ground to see the dilapidated barn where we once took shelter when we were trapped by a violent thunderstorm. We spent the night talking about our fears and hopes before curling up together in a pile of hay to sleep. It was a long time ago, before Joseph joined our relationship, before the cult, before our first kiss.
“Let’s go inside,” I suggest. Everything is just as we left it. The cool of the barn feels heavenly after our hike through the thick heat. Our pile of hay is intact, still covered by a saddle blanket, and Joseph regards it with a soft grin.
“That’s where it happened.”
“Where what happened?” He’d held me, and it was comforting, but nothing happened between us.
“Lying in the hay with you in my arms, I couldn’t quit staring at you, at how sweet and innocent you looked asleep. That was the moment I knew I was in love with you.”
His soft confession nearly brings me to my knees. It takes me a moment to reign in my emotions and swallow the lump in my throat. How am I going to survive losing him? “That…that long ago?” I whisper.
“Yes. I knew it was wrong, that you were with Airen, but I couldn’t help it. I think Airen knew, though he never confronted me about it until his trip to Indy.”
“Because he knew he could trust you. Because he’d fallen for you, as well.”
“God, I love him, Abigail.”
“I know.”
Soft green eyes gaze solemnly through the gloom. “Does it ever bother you? The way I’ve intruded on your love, your marriage?”
And he accuses me of being thick-headed. “You didn’t intrude on anything.” I slip my hand into his hair, stroking over the fuzz on the nape of his neck. “I thought I knew what love was, but what I considered love now seems weak and shallow. I’m overcome by your kindness and compassion, astounded by your strength and selflessness. Your love makes me a better person. Nothing in my life has prepared me for how I feel about you and Airen. No one has even come close. I love you, and I love him. I’m thrilled beyond words that you love each other. Do you realize how amazing that is? How hard this would be otherwise?”
“My girl,” he whispers, his lips brushing softly across mine.
“I don’t know exactly when I fell in love with you. You snuck into my heart when I wasn’t looking.”
“And now you’re stuck with me.”
My hands slide under the back of his shirt to feel his smooth sweaty skin as his lips worship my neck. “I hope so.”
“Forever, ladybug.” The soft patter of a sudden rain shower on the barn roof makes us both smile. “Now that has to be a sign,” he murmurs.
“Make love to me.”
He scoops me up and places me on the blanket while I love every hot inch of his mouth with my tongue. He takes me with such tenderness and passion, moving with such skill and grace, loving me right out of my mind. Instead of pushing until I crash into orgasm, he guides me gradually through the pulsing waves that roll through me, on and on, until all I can do is moan and cry his name. It’s intense and emotional, powerful and tender, affectionate and completely devastating.
* * * *
Airen asks Carson to join us in the living room after dinner. “What did I do?” Carson sighs, flopping into the recliner. I don’t know how to tell him.
“Your father’s here,” Airen blurts. Okay, I guess that’s one way to do it.
Carson frowns. “What?”
“Jon’s here. He showed up a couple of days ago, asking to see you.”
“Why didn’t someone tell me?”
“I’m telling you now.”
“Carson, I know it’s a big shock, and you don’t have to see him if you don’t want to,” I assure him.
“He got the letter,” he says, grinning at Airen.
Airen regards me cautiously. “Yes, he did.”
“You knew Airen left him a letter?”
“I asked him to, Mom.” Carson shrugs. “It’s not like he was going to be sitting in his old house when Airen and Eric showed up.” Shit. It doesn’t excuse Airen leaving the note or the fact that he kept it from me, but it explains why he did it.
“But, why, honey?”
“I want to see what he’s like,” he replies defensively.
“Okay. He’ll be here after lunch tomorrow.”
He eyes me, suspicious of my easy acquiescence. “Are you mad?”
No, I’m terrified. My whole world is falling apart around me, but no one else can see it. “No. I just don’t want you to be disappointed or hurt.”
“I just want to meet him. I don’t have any expectations. I’m well aware he doesn’t give a shit,” he says flippantly, failing to mask the pain in his voice. I want to tell him for the hundredth time that Jon’s attitude has nothing to do with him. It’s because he comes from me. It’s completely unfair. My strong, handsome, good hearted son is nothing like me or the rest of the family. He’s miles above us, a flower cultivated in a pile of shit.
Airen beats me to it. “You know that’s on him, Carson, not you.” Carson nods when Airen squeezes his shoulder. “And if you get the urge to show him what a roundhouse kick to the h
ead feels like, I’ve got your back.”
“Airen!” Joseph exclaims.
A grin spreads across Carson’s face. “Don’t worry, Dad. I know who my real family is.”
I spend the rest of the day cleaning and preparing for the days of cooking and canning awaiting me after the harvest. Keeping busy really isn’t helping to stem my anxiety and dread. What will Jon say to Carson? What if Airen or Joseph start a fight or argument with him? I have to make sure that doesn’t happen. It’ll only give him an opportunity to lash out and throw my past in their faces. He’ll do it eventually anyway, but I’m desperate to hold onto my guys as long as I can. How am I going to live without them? Fuck. Why did he have to find me?
Strong arms slide around my waist as a firm chest presses against my back. Airen’s scent wraps around me like a warm blanket. I’ve missed him. “Why didn’t you tell me it was Carson’s idea?”
“It was between me and him. Honestly, darlin’, I never thought he’d show up. I wanted Carson to know I tried everything. I wouldn’t have done it if I’d known it would hurt you like this. I’m sorry.”
It’s unfair of me to blame him. He has no idea what he’s done by leading Jon here. How could he? Turning in his arms, I reach to thread my fingers through his hair and place a soft kiss on his lips. His chest expands on a shuddering sigh and he rests his chin on my head. “I didn’t mean to hurt you. Can you forgive me?”
“Yes. I feel terrible for what I said, Air. You’ve been a wonderful father to Carson. I’m so sorry.”
“Water under the bridge, sweetheart.” He kisses my forehead.
“I didn’t mean it.”
“I know. You were pissed. I understand.”
I grin up at him. “Well, if anyone would.”
A delicious little half smile graces his lips. “Are you accusing me of being quick tempered?”
“And hot blooded,” I add when his hand wanders over my ass.
“You know you like it,” he murmurs, squeezing gently.
Joseph smiles when he sees us with our hands all over one another. “So, you’ve made up?”
“Not properly.” Airen’s grin is wicked.
“I’ve lost track of our schedule. Whose night is it?” I ask.
Joseph kisses my neck before pecking Airen on the lips. “Doesn’t matter. You and Airen take tonight.”
“No deal, dimples. We’re both staying with our girl until things calm down.”
“Ladybug?” Joseph murmurs, tucking an errant lock of hair behind my ear.
I nod. “Stay, please.” I want to spend every moment I can with them before the shit hits the fan.
Cuddled between them in bed, I feel safe and warm, but my churning mind just won’t let me sleep. Joseph is snoring almost instantly, and Airen regards him fondly. “I know men are infamous for falling asleep after sex, but he could set a record. You’re lucky if he has time to pull out first.”
“Give him a break. Babysitting a crazy woman is exhausting work.” I grin.
“You aren’t crazy.”
“So you admit he was babysitting?”
“He was staying close, taking care of you. We were worried.”
“I know what you were thinking, and I’d never kill myself. You should know I’d never do that to Lane or Carson.”
His big hand grips my chin and lifts my head to meet his gaze. Coal black eyes, burning with intensity, stare into mine for a long minute. Unnerved by such probing scrutiny, my resolve crumbles, and I have to look away, shamed by his silent reproof. “What about me, Abigail? Would you do that to me? To Joseph?” His words are soft, but his tone is severe as he swallows back his anger.
They’d have each other, and plenty of women would give up a limb to take my place, but I know better than to say that. “I’m not going anywhere, so please stop worrying.”
“Then stop thinking of yourself as disposable. It breaks my heart and royally pisses me off. You’re precious to me, irreplaceable. I love you.”
“I know. I love you, too. More than you’ll ever know. I’m fine, really. I didn’t mean to scare you. I just didn’t see this coming.” Strong arms cradle me while my face finds refuge in his neck, my heart comfort in his words.
* * * *
“Damn, boy. You’re almost as tall as me,” Jon announces with a broad smile as he steps into the living room.
Carson grins. “At least I was spared the red hair.”
“Got hit with the freckles, though.”
Airen, Joseph, and I sit silently as Jon pours on the charm. They laugh and talk for nearly an hour, skirting the big questions I expected Carson to ask him. When Jon accompanies Carson to his room to see his karate trophies, Joseph squeezes my knee. “I’ll keep an eye on them. You can take care of Lane.” He leans against the hallway wall just outside Carson’s room.
Lane displays his adorable gap toothed grin when I scoop him out of his crib. “That was a short nap,” I mumble, changing his diaper while he twists and squirms. He’s a terror ever since he started to walk. Let your guard down for one second, and he’ll tear the house apart. He’s every bit as mischievous and stubborn as his father. And every bit as beautiful. His midnight hair is soft and smooth, his eyes as dark as night. Oh, he’ll be a heartbreaker someday.
“Da!” he squeals when he spots Airen standing at the fridge, filling his sippy cup with juice.
Airen’s face lights up with joy and pride, and he sweeps him up, tossing him in the air. “There’s my menace.” The sight of them together, the reaction they have to one another can make me smile through the worst of moments. He’s a daddy’s boy, and has Airen wrapped around his finger. He tugs Airen’s hand, leading him to the big box of blocks in the corner. They’re seated on the floor, surrounded by their creations when Jon and Carson return to the living room.
Jon cocks an eyebrow at me. “He your boy?”
“Yes, his name is Lane.” Upon hearing his name, Lane grins up at Jon.
Dragging his arrogant gaze from Lane to Airen, Jon smirks. “No need for a DNA test on that one.”
Joseph laughs. “He’s cut right out of his daddy’s ass,” he agrees, taking a seat beside me on the couch. Airen’s look is quizzical when he regards me. Of course they don’t realize his comment was an insult, not an observation. A reference to the fact that I had to have a DNA test performed on Carson, but they don’t know that. Just a cheap jab to remind me he holds all the cards.
He turns to Carson. “I saw your horseshoe pit. Are you any good?”
“I can kick your ass.” Carson grins.
“Let’s do it.” They head out the door.
“Don’t take off anywhere, Carson,” I warn.
“Sure, mom. We’ll just be in the yard.”
Fuck. How long does he plan on staying? What’s he really up to? I know he doesn’t give a shit about Carson. As much as the idea repulses me, I need to talk to Jon alone and see what his actual motive is.
Airen sits beside me. “Are you okay?” Nodding, I lean my head against his shoulder.
“I thought it went okay,” Joseph murmurs, peeking out the window to check on Carson. Their ignorance of my situation and fear adds to my melancholy and makes me feel so alone. They don’t understand. They can’t. I can’t bring myself to agree with him, so I choose to stay silent.
“You need a break, darlin’. Some time away from all of this.” Airen pulls me into his lap. “Go out on the lake with us tomorrow. We’ll take the pontoon boat, and you can lie in the sun and relax. No kids or exes.”
Oh, that sounds so good. “I don’t want Jon to have access to Carson without one of us near.”
“I’ll recruit Gary to keep an eye on them,” Joseph suggests.
The thought of Gary hovering over Jon while he’s with Carson brings a smile to my face. Gary’s a big guy, well over six feet of solid muscle. His appearance is intimidating, the complete opposite of his teddy bear personality. “Sounds fun,” I relent. “Thank you.”
“I’ll go as
k Gary if he’ll help us out.” Joseph drops a kiss on my forehead.
Airen snorts. “Just tell him it’s for Abby. He’ll do anything.”
“That’s not true!”
Joseph chuckles. “Sorry, ladybug. I have to agree with Airen on this one. He adores you.”
“He’s friendly to me. He adores Emma. They’ve been seeing each other.”
“Good,” Airen growls.
“Don’t be such a cave man,” Joseph says, laughing.
“Pretty girl, mine,” Airen grunts, clenching my hair in his fist before kissing me senseless.
“Pretty girl, ours,” Joseph corrects.
“No clothes allowed on the boat tomorrow.” Airen’s grin is wicked, and suddenly the night can’t pass fast enough.
Aside from voicing that he’s fine, Carson refuses to talk about his reunion with Jon. Gary agrees to hang out at our house for the day in case he shows up, and I promise to have him and Emma over for dinner soon as a thank you.
It’s a beautiful day to be outdoors. The air is warm and a slight breeze tickles my neck, lifting my hair from my shoulders. We’re at the tail end of summer, and I hate to see it go. “What’s wrong?” Airen asks, slipping an arm around my shoulders. “You look like you lost your best friend.” Not yet.
“I was just thinking that summer’s nearly over.”
“Yeah, it is, so you need to relax and enjoy the day.”
I grin up at him. “I intend to soak up as much sun as possible.”
Joseph chuckles. “You’ll be one giant raisin when you grow old.”
“I like raisins,” Airen assures me, making me giggle.
“Don’t worry, Airen’s going to be gray in a few years.”
“Fuck off, dimples.”
An impish grin plays across his lips as he continues teasing him. “You’re getting gray through your sideburns and your scruffy face when you let it grow for a couple of days. I suppose that’s why you’ve been shaving every morning.”
I’ve noticed that little deviation in his habit. “Is that why?” I ask, running a finger down his smooth jaw.
“I don’t like it,” he grumbles, shooting daggers at Joseph. Airen’s never self conscious about his appearance. God, he’s the most gorgeous man I’ve ever met. Does he think a few gray hairs could change that? Sometimes, I think too much of his self worth rides on his looks. Perhaps it’s because that’s how he made a living before.