Back to the Drawing Board

by L. L. Collins

  “When I was gone last Friday? I flew to Oklahoma to see him.”

  “Why don’t your parents go with you?”

  She shook her head. “They don’t know I go see him. I’m strictly forbidden to have anything to do with him. But I . . . I love him! He’s my big brother! He put Band-Aids on my knees when I learned to ride my bike! He taught me how to play H-O-R-S-E! He was my best friend; he is my best friend.”

  She was forbidden to see him? Why? Was he dangerous? A feeling of protectiveness for her surged through my body and my heart started racing. “I don’t understand, Julia. Why in the world would your parents stop you from seeing him? He’s their son, right?”

  “He’s their firstborn, their only boy, the one that was supposed to carry on the family name and take over the business. He was ten years old when I was born, and he was there for me more during my life than they ever were. Not that they don’t love me, but they always loved their business a little more.”

  A rock settled in my stomach. No wonder she didn’t like my continued statements that having this job was the most important thing to me. I was such an idiot. “What happened to him?”

  “When he turned eighteen, he told my parents he had no intention of working for them. He didn’t want to go to college, he wanted to go pursue a music career. He and his friends had a rock band. They practiced in our basement when he was in high school. He’s awesome, Carter. He has more talent than most people have after years of practice, and my parents refused to get him lessons. He taught himself. Anyway, he was going to move to L.A. and pursue a record label, and my parents went ballistic. He left that night, and I didn’t see him for years.” She broke off, covering her mouth as another sob ripped from her body. “I was eight years old. He was my whole world. I screamed and begged for him to come back.”

  None of that explained why he was in prison, but it seemed at least that he loved and took care of his sister. I waited for her to explain the rest, but the curiosity was killing me.

  “One day, when I was twelve, he showed up on our doorstep. He knew my parents were at work, and our nanny Nancy answered the door and just sobbed. He was like a son to her. She was more our mother than our actual mother was. He’d been gone for four years. He looked rough, like he’d been homeless. He might’ve been; he’s never told me. After that, we’d see him every few months when he knew my parents weren’t around. As I got a little older, I would leave the house and meet him somewhere. He was still playing music, but had given up on LA.

  When I went away to college, he lived with me for a while. My parents never came by there, seeing me only at the office, so it was safe. I paid for everything with the money that my parents provided. I had no idea what Johnny did for money, if anything. He’d leave the house at weird times and be gone without much explanation. I should’ve asked more questions—-”

  “Julia, whatever he did is not your fault,” I interrupted, grabbing her hands. “Don’t do that to yourself. You can’t control anyone else.”

  “One day, he was just gone again. All of his stuff was out of my apartment. I called him for months, but he never answered or contacted me. I was terrified. I finally broke down and asked my parents if they had heard from him, and they were furious with me. They threatened to fire me and stop all support for college if I didn’t stop looking for him. I guess they knew more than I did about what he’d been doing.”

  “What had he been doing?”

  “So a few years ago we heard about this huge drug trafficking ring that had been busted in Colorado, with ties to LA and Mexico. I was watching the news when I saw Johnny’s mug shot on the screen with about twenty other guys. My brother. He’d been arrested for smuggling and selling drugs. Cocaine. My big brother, my whole world. That’s what he’d been up to. And the worst part of it all? He has all the information that the feds want to take down their supplier, but he refuses to make a deal.”

  Wow. He was in jail for selling cocaine. No wonder Julia was so torn up over him. I found myself wondering how in the world he had gotten involved in such a thing, but then I thought back to him being kicked out at eighteen. It wasn’t right, but I could almost understand him being lost. “Why?”

  She shook her head. “I don’t know. He won’t tell me why he won’t save himself.”

  I tucked a piece of her hair behind her ear and touched her lips with my fingers. “I’m so sorry. That’s terrible. So he’s in Oklahoma?”

  “Yes. I’m sure my dad had something to do with that. He doesn’t want anyone here to find out that his son is such a loser. Not that everyone didn’t see the news report, but my dad is a big deal around here. Once he explained he had cut all ties with his son over ten years before the arrest, they were quick to forgive him. So I’m not allowed to have anything to do with him.”

  “But you go see him anyway.”

  “Yes. I have to. He’s my brother. He screwed up, but he doesn’t deserve to be left in there without knowing that someone loves him, despite his choices.”

  I knew before that Julia was a class act, but now I knew that she was way more than that. She wasn’t just Julia Gibbons, daughter of architecture moguls John and Aileen Gibbons. She was Julia, volunteer with an organization to help others who were down on their luck, and a loving and supporting sister. And she was a dutiful daughter who hid her dreams and talent to please her parents.

  “I’ll never forget the first time I went to see him,” Julia continued. “I hadn’t seen him in years, and I barely recognized him. He’d grown his hair out and he had this ratty looking beard. But it wasn’t just that. It was his eyes. He and I look a lot alike, and his eyes were always sparkling with laughter. Except when he walked out the first time, he was dead inside. This is why I go, Carter. Every time I visit, I get to see the light come into his eyes for just a few minutes. Even though he doesn’t want to talk about himself, just having someone there to touch him, hug him, and tell him they love him sustains him until the next time. He’s like an abandoned dog in a shelter where there’s no hope for rescue. Every single time I leave there, I feel like another piece of my heart has died.”

  “Julia,” I breathed, pulling her onto my lap. “You are the only reason that man still lives, I’m sure of it. Your visit is enough to keep him going until the next time. You’re so strong.”

  “I’m not,” she cried, putting her arms around my neck. “I’m not at all. I put on a good act, that’s all.”

  “Seems like we both are good at that,” I admitted.

  “Speaking of that, I’m going to say something,” Julia started. “I don’t want you to get upset with me, but it’s just an observation, okay? Since I’ve cried my eyes out to you and given you some answers to your questions.”

  We’d come this far, spilling my skeletons out of my closet to her and her to me. “Okay.”

  “You know how before you told me that you couldn’t be with me, even if you wanted to, because this job is your dream? Are you, in any way, kind of doing what Ronan taught you to do? Push away feelings, because being successful is the only thing that matters?”

  I looked away, her words hitting my stomach one by one like bricks. She was right. I was acting like Ronan. I knew my feelings for this woman were beyond anything I’d ever felt before, but I thought I was just putting my life in a logical order—job then family. Wasn’t that what a man did, establish himself so he could provide a good life for himself and his family? I just hadn’t recognized that I was acting like the one person who’d hurt me the most. And what if I was just like him and couldn’t ever really love a woman the way she deserved? What if my life would always revolve around my job?

  “I’m sorry, Carter,” she said when I didn’t respond, lost in my thoughts and revelations. “I know it took a lot for you to tell me what you did earlier, and I just threw it right back at you. Sometimes I’m just a little too blunt.”

  She had been blunt with me, but I respected that about her. So many women played games. That was not Julia. What
you saw was what you got. And after everything she’d said about Johnny, it was easy to see she was right.

  I turned back to face her, feeling like my chest was exposed and she could see straight through it to my heart. “Don’t ever be sorry for being you, Julia. Thank you for that. I needed to hear it. No one calls me on my bullshit. Well, that’s not true. My best friend Hayden does, but he’s not nearly as cute as you, so I don’t listen.”

  She laughed, putting her hand on my face. We looked into each other’s eyes for so long, I forgot that I needed to answer her. I wanted every part of her, right now.

  “You’re right,” I whispered. “I’m afraid to feel anything for anyone. I have been for a long time. I’m acting just like Ronan.”

  “Do you know who I see in front of me? Right now? The compassionate, loving part of you who wiped my tears as I cried over my brother? Who is that?”

  “Blake,” I said, reaching up and holding onto her hand. “He loves my mom so much, and he never stops showing it. No matter who he’s around. Everyone knows Liane McIntyre is his whole world, not the business he worked so hard to build.”

  She nodded. “You can do this, Carter. It isn’t that hard. We see each other, decide if what we feel for each other is something more. Today at the house? Tonight at the restaurant? That was us. No alcohol, no barriers between us. Just us, acting on what we’re both trying to deny. I told you weeks ago I would never make an issue with you at work, and I won’t. No matter what. If we work, if we don’t. But don’t we owe it to ourselves to see where this goes?”

  I wanted to form the word. It wanted to come out. But it was so hard. I wanted to believe that was true, that whether or not we worked, my job would be intact. I wanted to date her, but I was terrified to say it loud.

  “Say it,” she pushed, brushing her lips against mine. “I can feel it coming off of you in waves. You want this, Carter McIntyre. You want what your mom and dad have, and you feel something you’ve never felt before with me. You want more than just to sleep with me, and I want more than that with you, too. You’re scared. I get it. But I won’t hurt you. Just say it, Carter.”

  It was one word. That was all I had to say. My heart and my brain warred with each other to see which one was louder. But the one thing I couldn’t stop from bouncing around my head was her calling on me acting like Ronan. She got me. For the first time in my life, a woman other than my mom could reach inside my brain and heart and find me.

  “Yes.”

  Her face lit up like a kid’s on Christmas morning, and my heart pounded. I’d just said yes to her. “You said yes,” she squealed, bouncing on my lap. She better stop doing that, or she was going to get a lot more than yes.

  “Thank you,” she said, gripping my face. She kissed me softly, licking my lips with her tongue. “Thank you,” she whispered again. “You’re so breathtaking. The first time I saw you, Carter? I almost tripped and fell flat at your feet.”

  She was thanking me? She was the one who fought for me, the one who pushed past my steel barriers, who made me wake up and realize the path I was on, and she was saying thank you to me? I would’ve laughed if she hadn’t pressed her lips against mine again.

  “It was flat-out lust, I admit,” she said when she pulled back. “But there was something about you, even in the few minutes I got to hear you talk. I felt drawn to you. I can’t explain it.”

  “You don’t have to,” I said, my fingers finding that bare skin of her legs. Her skirt had ridden up since she was straddling me, and it was taking a whole lot of willpower to not take them higher. “I felt the same for you. God knows I fought the good fight trying to push you away. You just wouldn’t allow me to do it. So thank you, Julia. Thank you so much.”

  She smiled. “No thanks are necessary, but you’re welcome. Just so you know, I’m not this way, usually,” Julia said. “I know that’s probably hard to believe since I’ve been the pursuer this whole time, but I’m not. There was just something about you that told me you were worth pushing a little. Or a lot. And I was right.”

  “No one has ever pushed me like you,” I said. “My mom is the only woman I’ve ever let close to me. She’s the only one that gets me the way you do, but that’s kind of her job.”

  We both laughed. “Tell me why you aren’t doing interior design if that’s what you want.”

  The smile dropped from her face. “We sure aren’t holding back tonight, are we?”

  “We might as well get it all out,” I said. She shifted, getting up off my lap. I felt her loss immediately.

  “Let’s go lay in my room, if that’s okay. It’s more comfortable, and we can talk.”

  She wanted me to go to her room and lay with her in her bed and expect me to talk? Oh, she was pushing it. I didn’t dare question her, because I was here and we were getting somewhere. I honestly didn’t care whether or not I slept with her tonight; it was much more than that to me now.

  I followed her down a hallway and into her room. It was flawless, just like the rest of the house. A large king size bed took up a good section of the room, but she’d made it look open and airy with the colors and decor. “Julia, you’re so talented. I know how amazing you are as an architect, but wow! This is your true calling.”

  She crawled onto the bed and patted the spot next to her. God, give me the strength. I laid next to her, both of us facing each other. I’d never done this with a woman. Had I been in their beds? Yes. But for things that didn’t require talking.

  “Ever since everything happened with Johnny, it was never an option for me not to be the one to take over the company. My parents knew I had an interest in interior design, but it didn’t matter. I was now the one they put all their hopes and dreams into, and they knew I had a talent for architecture. So, I never rocked the boat. I was too terrified.”

  “Do they know you do interior design with Colorado Cares?”

  “They know I volunteer there, and they like that it helps our company’s reputation. They throw a bunch of money into the organization because I like it, but no, they don’t know what I do for them specifically.”

  “So if you weren’t the daughter of GSJ Designs, what would your dream be?”

  Her eyes got a faraway look as she looked over my shoulder at nothing for a moment. “I would’ve gotten my degree in Interior Design and worked for a firm for awhile, then started my own. I want to get married and have a family. I never wanted to work sixty hours a week. I don’t want to run my parents company. But I’m good at what I do, so there’s that. I do get satisfaction in seeing a project I started through to its completion. So I don’t totally hate it, it’s just not what I would’ve chosen.”

  “That’s too bad,” I caressed her arm, wanting to touch her in some way. “You are extremely talented, but if you don’t feel the passion for it, it’s a waste.”

  “I want to feel a passion for something,” she said, scooting closer to me. “Do you think I could find some?”

  I caught her drift, and I grinned. “I don’t think that will be hard to find.”

  “So this Carrie Underwood you like,” I said, my fingers playing with her hair.

  “Yeah?” Julia lifted her head, and I saw how tired she was. We’d been talking for hours, and I could just see the sun starting to come over the mountains. We’d been up all night, and not one second of it had been having sex. I was surprisingly okay with that, because what we’d done together had made us even closer.

  “Will you play that song you were dancing to the other day?”

  Julia groaned. “I have no energy for that right now, but I will. You know what, though? I have a song I want you to hear.” She reached to the nightstand and pulled out a small remote, then grabbed her phone and started shuffling through songs. “Here it is.”

  From somewhere in the room, the song started through invisible speakers. Julia laid back on me, and I closed my eyes. She laced her fingers with mine as the lyrics began. I knew why she liked this lady; she could sing.

 
; “Listen to the words,” Julia whispered.

  “What’s it called?”

  “Inside your Heaven.”

  As I listened to the lyrics of the powerful song, I felt the now familiar lump of emotion building in my throat. Who was I becoming? I didn’t recognize myself anymore. I’d never gotten emotional over a girl or moving song lyrics. Had I ever heard this song on my radio, I would’ve been scrambling for a new station. Now I thought I might just seek out some more songs from this artist. If Julia liked her, I wanted to like her.

  Julia titled her head back so she could look at me, and I smiled. “I want to make love to you,” she said. I froze, my brain wrapped around those two words, make love. “Carter,” she said. “Don’t freak out. You and I both know this is more than just two people having sex. Am I right?” The song ended and went into something else, but I was no longer listening.

  “Yes,” I said finally.

  “I like that word from you tonight,” she joked. “Tell me one of your favorite bands and I’ll put it on. I want to hear what you like.”

  “Search for Skillet,” I said, sitting up. “Yours to Hold.”

  Julia looked at me, then back at her phone. “Found it.” The soulful sound of Skillet came through the speakers, and I hoped that Julia recognized how perfect this song was for her.

  “I know you don’t need someone to hold you, Julia. You’re strong enough yourself.”

  She shook her head, climbing over to me and straddling my waist. “No, I’m not. I want someone to hold me. Will you be that person, Carter?”

  Instead of answering her, with Skillet’s voice infiltrating the room, I flipped her onto her back and hovered over her, taking in her flushed cheeks, tired eyes, and long hair spread out on the pillow. I ran my fingers up her bare legs to the edge of her underwear, like I’d wanted to do for hours. Days. Weeks. She moaned and arched her back, urging me on. I felt my fingers shaking. What was my problem? It was terrifying me to touch her. This may not even be the first time I’d touched her like this.