Back to the Drawing Board

by L. L. Collins

  He shook his head, leaning closer to me. “There’s a lot of shit I’ve never told her. I didn’t want her to live her life terrified of the boogieman, you know? When I moved to Los Angeles to try to have a music career, I got myself involved with some guys I thought were my friends. Turned out, they were lying to me. They were taking us all over for ‘gigs’ and telling us we had record labels coming to see us. When I found out what they were really doing, I left. I came back to Colorado. I wasn’t going to be a part of this crazy trafficking thing they had going on. But they found me. I knew too much. They blackmailed me into helping them, Carter. I had no choice.”

  “Why?”

  “They threatened Julia. They’d send me pictures of her, going to work, to the gym, out with her friends. Then they’d put notes on it, crude notes about what they would do to her if I didn’t cooperate with them. So I left without a word to her. I had to protect her. She’s the only one in my entire life who loved me for who I was. I was forced into the life. I never wanted that. When I got busted, one of the higher ups in the ring came to visit me in jail, even before my trial. I have no idea how he got to do that, but if I had to guess, he had someone on the inside. He reminded me what would happen if I snitched. He had Julia’s house key.”

  “How do you know it was her house key?”

  “They’d taken it right off her keychain. It was purple and had a sparkly J on it.”

  “Johnny.” I felt like I was going to puke. I forced myself to breathe out. “Is it possible that one of them got her?”

  His eyes widened. “They have no reason to. I haven’t said anything, and I won’t. I’ll be in here for a long time, but it’ll be worth it to know she’s safe. That she can have a life with you and be happy. That’s all I’ve ever wanted. Get her away from our parents, Carter. Give her the life she deserves, and let her have the life she wants, not the life she was forced into.”

  “I have to find her,” I said. “What am I going to do? Can you give me a contact of one of these guys?”

  “No way. Absolutely not. You will not contact any of these people. If they have Julia, they’d never tell you, and all it would do is get you killed that I even told you their names. Then I’d probably end up dead, too. I swear they have eyes and ears everywhere, even in here.”

  I rested my head on my hands. I hated the feeling of not knowing what to do.

  “There’s still time. She could show up.”

  I looked back at the door, feeling my sanity slipping. I’d come all this way, and the only thing I knew that I didn’t know before is that Johnny got messed up into some crazy shit.

  “Will they let her in if she’s late?”

  Johnny nodded. “There may be a line outside. It gets backed up on visitation day. I’d guess there will be another wave of people coming in soon. See around us? Some of the prisoners are still waiting.” I looked around, nodding in agreement at what he said. Good. There was still hope.

  I turned back to him. “Are they always going to threaten her, even once you’re out of here?”

  He sighed. “I don’t know. I just keep hoping that the big guy will get caught and his organization will crumble. Then all the people that know who I am will be gone, locked up or dead. I pray for that every day.”

  “How much do your parents know?”

  “About all of this? Nothing. They think I’m a drug dealer and I got what I deserved. The second I told them I wasn’t going to school to take over their business, they were done with me. I haven’t been their son for sixteen years. Julia doesn’t deserve this, though. If I could call them, I’d tell them so. Just because she comes to see me? I’m sorry, I know you work for them.”

  I was starting to wonder what in the world I’d gotten myself into. If it wasn’t for Julia, I might just be running back to Florida. “Don’t worry. My focus right now is finding her. I can’t sleep or eat. I’m terrified. I just want to hold her and tell her it will all be okay, that she can be rid of them and do what she wants to do now.”

  “So tell me,” a voice came from next to us. We both jumped. I looked at Johnny, and then back to Julia just to make sure what I was seeing was right. She was here. Her hair was in a bun and she wore a pair of jeans and a tee shirt. She was okay. Her face was pale and she looked like she’d been crying for hours, if not days. We’d been so intent on our conversation, I’d missed the new group of visitors that had been let in.

  “Julia,” I cried, pulling her into my arms. “Oh, my God. Julia. I’m so sorry. I let them hurt you. I didn’t know what to do. I’ve been so scared, baby. So scared. Are you okay?” I pulled her back, scanning her again to make sure I didn’t miss any injuries. She buried herself into my chest and I held her tight, relief seeping through every pore. She was okay. She was in my arms. I murmured into her hair, feeling her chest shaking as she cried into my shirt.

  I looked over at Johnny, who had tears in his eyes. “Jules,” he said, rubbing her back. “You had us so worried. Where’ve you been?”

  She tilted her head back and looked at both of us. “You came,” she said to me.

  “Of course. Meeting Johnny was important for you, and I wanted to come. Plus, I was praying to God that you would show up. We have a missing person’s report on you, baby. Where have you been? I’ve been calling you for days.”

  “I’m sorry, Carter. I had to get away. I’ve been staying right outside of Oklahoma City, holing up in a hotel for a few days, trying to get my head straight. I’ve come to a couple of decisions.”

  She broke away and hugged Johnny tightly before sitting down next to me. I wrapped her hand in mine, needing to touch her. I couldn’t tear my eyes away from her face, tear streaked and all.

  “I’m sorry for making you worry. Both of you. Thank you for coming here, Carter. And for trying to find me. I appreciate it.”

  I didn’t like the way she was talking. I put my other arm over her shoulder and pulled her closer to me, kissing her temple.

  “Julia, I’m sorry for what happened with Mom and Dad. It’s all my fault.” Johnny wiped a tear from his eye. “How did they find out?”

  “I have no idea,” she said. “Don’t be sorry. They’re the ones with the problem. If they can’t handle that I want to be part of your life, my only brother, their only son, then it’s their loss. I refuse to allow them to do that to me anymore.” She looked over at me and squeezed my hand. “It took me a while, but I finally had some help seeing that sometimes what’s hard is what needs to be done. You’re my brother, Johnny. I’ve allowed them to direct my life for too many years. Yes, I’m good at my job, but I’m not passionate about it. I need to do something because I love it, not because someone else says I should.”

  My heart swelled. All along, Julia had acted like she was way stronger than me, but really she’d been hiding behind a facade of self-assuredness. It wasn’t until we both broke down our walls that we realized we both had some insecurities to get past.

  Julia turned back to me. “Carter, I want to thank you. For everything. Meeting you has singlehandedly changed my life. I now feel like I have the strength to do what I need to do to live my dreams. Even though we’ve only known each other a few months, you’ve taught me so much about who I am as a person. Thank you.”

  “I can say the same to you,” I replied. “You’re the reason I’m able to admit that being with you makes me happier than anything else. Anything. Yes, I started this journey because I wanted the job with your father more than I wanted anything in the world. But you showed me a different side of myself that I was denying. You called me out when it was necessary, and supported me at other times. You’ve changed my life in the last few months.”

  Julia nodded. “That’s why I have to let you go, Carter.”

  She couldn’t have surprised me more if she dropped a grenade in my lap. “What?”

  “I can’t ask you to choose between my father and me. I could never be the reason that you gave up your dream. I think you now see that your life can be
more than just your job, but I can’t go back there. I’m going to build my own life. I’m not sure where, or how, but I’m going to do it. I have enough money saved to survive for awhile while I figure it out.”

  “Julia . . .” Johnny’s voice made her stop and look at him. “What are you doing?”

  She reached over and kissed his cheek. “I love you, Johnny, but I won’t come back here to visit you. If you want to visit me, you get yourself out of here like I know you can. I can’t do this anymore. It kills me to sit here and watch you throw your life away because you won’t do the right thing.”

  “Julia,” I said. “You’re not leaving me.”

  She nodded. “I am. You’re just finding yourself, Carter. I have to find myself. I can’t hold you back. I won’t. If I do, you’ll end up resenting me someday.”

  I looked back at Johnny, silently begging him for help. He stood. “Julia, don’t do this.”

  She looked between the two of us. “I have to. I’m taking care of me. Johnny, I hope you make the right choice. I love you and this isn’t me abandoning you. Not at all. I need you to save yourself so I can have you as part of my life outside of here. Carter, I can’t wait to see what you do with your life. I bet you’ll take my parents’ company even farther than they have. I’m not going back to Colorado right now, Carter. You can tell everyone I’m fine.”

  She stood, turning away from us before we could stop her. We watched as she walked to the door and spoke to the guard. He spoke to her quietly while we both looked on, unable to move. He nodded at her and buzzed the door, letting her out. She never turned around once.

  “What the fuck just happened,” Johnny echoed both of our thoughts.

  “I think she just broke my heart and gave you an ultimatum,” I said.

  “The difference is, I can’t run out that door after her, and you can. Get your ass out there and stop her. Now.”

  He didn’t have to say it twice. I hurried to the door, begging the guard to let me out. He wasn’t going to, since it was against protocol, but when I explained why I needed to get out, he buzzed the door. Julia had told him she was sick, which was why he let her out. I wasn’t going to be allowed to come back in, and Johnny was going to miss the rest of his visit, but I was sure he’d be okay with it.

  As soon as it unlocked, I flung it open. I grabbed my cell phone from the locker as fast as I could and ran for the parking lot, willing her to still be there. I had no idea if she was driving her car or not, but I didn’t care if I had to sprint through the entire parking lot, I was going to find her.

  I looked back and forth, hoping and praying to see either her or her car. What if she’d somehow gotten out of the parking lot already? How was I going to find her? She’d told me where she’d been, but what if she wasn’t there anymore? She wasn’t doing this; I knew why she said what she said, but she didn’t mean it. I was convinced.

  I stopped, my chest heaving. Please, Julia, I begged. Please don’t be gone. After everything Johnny had said about why he was in there, she needed to understand everything once and for all. I turned around, looking up and down the aisles again when my heart stopped. I saw her car, nestled under a large tree at the edge of the parking lot. I’d know that bright blue anywhere. I sprinted for it, terrified that she’d pull away and leave before I could get there.

  She was slumped over her steering wheel, and seeing her like that hurt worse than a knife to the heart. I yanked the door handle, not willing to wait one more second to hold her in my arms. She jumped, turning her tear-stained face to me.

  I crouched down next to her and pulled her closer so I could wrap my arms around her, my chest still heaving with exertion. Sweat was pouring down my face, but I didn’t even bother to wipe it away. “Julia. Don’t do this, baby. Please.” She gripped onto my shirt, burying her face into my neck. I held on for dear life, despite the discomfort of my current position. I reached over and unbuckled her seatbelt and lifted her out of the car, still holding onto her.

  “I’ll only hurt you,” she sobbed.

  I pulled back slightly so I could look at her face. I was never good with words, especially ones explaining how I felt. That was something my therapists over the years had worked on with me, but it never came easily.

  “You leaving me is hurting me more,” I said. “Do you know what you’ve done for me?”

  “Let’s see, got drunk the night I met you and made a fool of myself, practically forced myself on you after that, now you’ll be fired or lose your dream job because of me . . .”

  I closed my mouth over hers to stop her rambling. Who was this girl talking? It wasn’t Julia. I tasted the salt of her tears as we kissed softly. “No. Stop. You breathed life into me, Julia, when I had no idea I was even missing anything. I thought I had it all getting this internship. The past couple months have taught me something way more important. God, I’m just no good at this . . . but I’m trying. You make me want more, need more in my life. You showed me that I needed to fight for what I wanted. This is me, fighting for you. For us. I wanted you to meet my family because you’re just that important to me.”

  She gasped. “Your parents were here. I’m the worst. I was so consumed with myself, I wasn’t there for you. Carter, you’ll be better off leaving me now and moving on. There’s someone else out there for you, one that doesn’t come with the baggage I do. If you go now, you can probably salvage things with my parents. Give them a good story about where you were and how sorry you are about what happened with me but you’ll step in and take my role. They’ll do it, Carter. You’ll have the job you always wanted.”

  “You’re not listening to me,” I said. “I made the wrong choice that day when I saw you so upset in your parents’ office. I didn’t figure out what was wrong and help you, no matter the repercussions. I’ve kicked myself every second over the last five days for that. But Julia, if losing you this week has taught me anything, it’s that I can’t be without you. I. Can’t. Be. Without. You. Are you listening now? I know you think you’re doing what is right here, pushing both Johnny and me away so you can be miserable by yourself. There’s something else you don’t know, though.”

  “What’s that?”

  She let me kiss her, and I let myself get lost in how she felt against me for a minute. My nerves were shot, and I felt like I could pass out at any second. I had to do it. Do it, Carter. It’s now or never. She’ll walk away if you don’t, and you’ll regret it for the rest of your life.

  I looked around at the dreary prison. “I didn’t envision it happening this way, but desperate times call for desperate measures. Julia Gibbons, you can’t leave me because I love you.” I breathed out, hoping to God I didn’t just make a total fool of myself.

  She gasped, her hands flying up to her mouth as tears filled her eyes again. “You what?” She shook her head like she was ridding those words from her memory.

  I smoothed her hair back from her face and looked directly into her eyes, my comfort shot to hell. “You heard me. I love you. You aren’t leaving me. Not now, not ever again. Because you love me, too.”

  She was quiet for longer than I wanted her to be. “Carter . . .” If she said no now and walked away from me, I’d never be the same again. I knew that much. “Say it again.”

  I grinned, forcing myself not to shout out loud. “Julia Aylen Gibbons, you are the most drop-dead gorgeous woman I’ve ever known, inside and out. I love you more than anything. More than this damn internship, getting a job with your parents, or anything else. I. Love. You. You’ve brought me alive. Before meeting you, I was existing. Now, I’m living. I’m nothing without you. So please, Julia. Please don’t throw us away.”

  She lifted her hand and ran it along my face, one of my most favorite things she did to show me she cared. “I love you, Carter. I’ve loved you since the first second I saw you. My feelings for you have consumed my life and changed what I want, too. You’ve showed me that my dreams are worth pursuing, and you are number one on that list now. I . . .
I thought I was doing what was right, letting you go. It wasn’t what I wanted. I’m sorry.”

  A tidal wave of emotion came over me, and I found myself sobbing into her shoulder, hot tears soaking into her neck and shirt. It had been years since I’d cried. Since the time I found out my life had been a lie. On one hand, I felt ridiculously stupid, but on the other it felt amazing to finally let it go—- all of it.

  “Carter,” she said, stroking my back. “Why are you crying? You’re killing me, baby. Don’t cry. I’m sorry. I’m here. You’re right. I can’t walk away and leave you. Saying those words in there made a part of me die. I just thought I needed to let you go so that you could be happy. I didn’t know you loved me. I hoped and prayed for it to happen, but I didn’t know.”

  She pressed kisses along my neck and put her lips up to my ear. “Let it go, Carter. All of it.” She could read my mind, I was convinced. This was one of the many reasons why I loved her. I didn’t have to say it all; she just knew.

  “I need you,” I admitted. “It scares me to death, but I do.”

  “I know. Being vulnerable to someone is hard, especially when they end up hurting you. I’m not going to hurt you. Well, again. I’m not going to leave. If you’re sure, we’re in this together.”

  I lifted my head, and she used her thumbs to wipe away my tears, just like I’d done to her. “I’m sure. Sometimes I need a kick in the pants, but I know now.”

  She laughed, and a piece of my heart came back together. “I love everything about you. Well, except that you disappeared this week. I think I may have gotten my first gray hair at the age of twenty-three. Can you check for me?” I dipped my head down, and she laughed again. God, I loved that sound.

  “Let’s get out of here,” she said. “I can’t believe the first time we admitted we loved each other was here, at the prison.”

  “Tell me about it. This was not how it played out in my head.”

  Julia lifted my hand and kissed it. “I don’t care where it was, just that it happened. What do you say we go find a five-star hotel and put the room to good use?”